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Part I: The Sibling Bond
Living with Cheng Xiaoshi and Qiao Ling had taught Lu Guang a thing or two about the sibling bond.
That they would willingly offer up their kidneys for one another? That was a given.
That they would fight tooth and nail for the last jiaozi? Also a given.
That there was, apparently, no age at which one was too old to walk into the other’s room unannounced just to let out a fart and run? Horrifyingly, Lu Guang noted, also a given.
At times, he'd tried to understand the variables. Why Qiao Ling would be the first to mercilessly tease Cheng Xiaoshi for his “stupid-ass ponytail” which “looked like he was compensating for something,” and yet snap at Lu Guang if he dared to poke fun at how Cheng Xiaoshi still instinctively reached for her hand during horror movies.
He'd once even asked, and they'd both rolled their eyes in perfect synchrony. “Lu Guang, you're an only child, you just wouldn't understand.”
Still, Lu Guang felt he was learning. He'd learned that taking sides with Cheng Xiaoshi was a terrible, terrible idea. And, admittedly, that he would be playing third-wheel to their sibling shenanigans at times. Not that that mattered. Because wherever the siblings went, there would be laughter; more than Lu Guang had ever envisioned in his life. He couldn't imagine a future without both of them in it.
So, Lu Guang had come to accept a few core principles, which he could count off on his fingers:
One: There would be petty squabbles that he'd need to excuse himself from. Two: There would be tears sometimes, when one of the two took it too far, but never for long. Three: Occasionally, there would be moments of sweet payoff, when Qiao Ling made a point to her brother which Lu Guang agreed with. Four: Inevitably, there would also be times when Lu Guang got caught in the crossfire of a war he never started, nor attended the military boot camp for.
… He reconsidered number four. Mostly come to accept.
Today was one of those days.
—
Part II: The Plan
Perhaps Cheng Xiaoshi had provoked her. Perhaps she had seen videos trending on Douyin and grinned like a sweet little bunny gone rogue. For whatever reason, Qiao Ling now had a plan, a spray bottle, and a God-given opening.
Her plan? Catch Cheng Xiaoshi while he was engrossed in some mind-bogglingly dumb video game (iPad kids, she sighed), fake a sneeze, spritz. Make sure to target the back of his neck. Then, play dumb. If he got suspicious, tell him she was coming down with a cold. With her acting skills, this would be a piece of cake.
The only catch? She was using Lu Guang's cold as cover. You see, for weeks she’d been waiting for the moment. And it just so happened that Lu Guang had gone and caught a cold. Cruel? Well, she would never leave Lu Guang in the dark like that, even if Cheng Xiaoshi ABSOLUTELY deserved it. She reasoned that if all went well, she'd tell Lu Guang, and they'd both have the last laugh. In fact, she would even treat Lu Guang to something afterwards. That was that, she had made up her mind.
With that set aside, she focused on her gameplan. While her brother would easily fall for the bait, the real trick was making sure Lu Guang didn’t notice. Qiao Ling saw her first chance that morning.
—
Part III: Action
Cheng Xiaoshi was hunched over his gaming console, while Lu Guang sniffled miserably from behind a cup of tea. Perfect conditions for the trial run. She waited until she was certain Lu Guang was looking away, and…
“ahh… at’shiu!”
Spritz.
Bottle slipped effortlessly into her hoodie pocket, she sniffed once with a finger under her nose. Lu Guang had barely looked up over his tea before deciding “Nope, not today Satan.”
Cheng Xiaoshi paused. Like a cartoon caveman realizing he’d been bonked on the head with a rock, he slowly turned to her.
“What,” she said, like she was in absolutely no mood.
“... Did… did you SERIOUSLY just sneeze on my neck, Jie?”
“It’s a reflex, Cheng Xiaoshi. Girls sneeze.”
“…”
Cheng Xiaoshi looked at her, mouth gaping. Then he looked at Lu Guang. Lu Guang sniffled once pointedly, as if to say “Not before my first coffee.”
“Seriously, girls can’t even aim.” Cheng Xiaoshi huffed, rubbing the back of his neck with an exaggerated shudder.
Oh, this was just getting good.
Qiao Ling stomped over to where Lu Guang was sitting, plucked a tissue from the box with a flourish, and made no attempt to hide her words as she mockingly blew her nose, “It’s not my fault your neck is as thick as a log.”
Lu Guang coughed with suspicious timing at that, and Qiao Ling filed that away as a fantastic start.
—
Part IV: Re-Action
The second “sneeze” came just before lunch.
Execution was key. Too similar to the last set-up, and he’d catch on. Her opportunity presented itself as she walked back into the shop, milk tea balanced in a plastic carrier bag.
Cheng Xiaoshi had his neck oh-so-beautifully exposed with his back to the door. Lu Guang was attempting to focus on some or other photograph on the counter. Go for it.
With the nimble ease of a martial artist, she slipped the bottle out with one hand. This time, a little closer. Ready, aim…
“hah’schiuu!”
She faked a stumble forwards, tucking the bottle back into the plastic bag in a swift movement as if she'd heroically tried to catch it from falling—and Cheng Xiaoshi whirled around.
“Oh my GOD Qiao Ling!!! You did it again!!!”
Strike. But, had Lu Guang…?
“... There are tissues here,” she heard his faintly congested voice from the counter, as he ignored his boyfriend’s outburst, sliding the box over.
Just the encouragement she needed.
“No, but seriously, Lu Guang did you SEE that?!! I mean, Qiao Ling, that’s like—”
“Cheng Xiaoshi, I don’t want to hear another word,” she whipped her head around, walking towards the counter spitefully.
Another tissue. “I bought you milk tea and all you can think about is what, a sneeze—”
Cheng Xiaoshi turned, hands raised in the air like he’d been slapped across the backside, not merely spritzed with clean water. She wasn’t done.
“On my neck??” he spluttered.
“I’m catching a cold, Cheng Xiaoshi, the least you could do is bless me—”
Helpfully, Lu Guang coughed once himself, as if summoned by the heavens. Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes tracked between his ill boyfriend, his sister, and the milk tea, before deciding to back down with pained restraint.
“Fine! Just, don’t aim DIRECTLY towards me next time—”
“It was you or the milk tea. Pick wisely.”
Thoroughly enjoying herself, she watched Cheng Xiaoshi open his mouth to fight again, only for Lu Guang to lean over and accept one of the milk teas with a sniffly “thanks”, mercilessly not noticing the bottle.
Qiao Ling snatched Cheng Xiaoshi’s from the bag, marching back over and pressing it into his hands. Teasingly,
“What do we say, little brother?”
Cheng Xiaoshi avoided her eyes, reaching for the drink,
“Cover your mouth when you sn—”
Qiao Ling evaded his grasp, aiming the sharp end of the thick straw towards his chin before Cheng Xiaoshi mumbled,
“—Thanks, I mean.”
“More like it.”
She didn’t even fight back when Cheng Xiaoshi mumbled something about “... Gonna take more than a sneeze for God to bless you.”
After all, milk tea, like revenge, is best served cold. And right now, she had both in droves. She was so utterly tickled. And it was barely even noon.
—
Part V: … Equal & Opposite
So far, the plan had been working out better than even imagined.
Still, she reckoned that one or two more “sneezes” were about all she could eke out of this bit before Lu Guang was bound to catch on that she wasn’t actually falling ill.
Besides, she didn’t exactly want to shoot herself in the foot by inciting Cheng Xiaoshi’s inevitable revenge, if caught. She had to make this worth her while. So, she let things cool off for a breath.
It was evening now, and the time was just right.
Lu Guang was curled up on a chair by the couch. Out of commission entirely now, defeat silently announced by the blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and the book that lay abandoned by his side. He'd barely moved except to cough.
Cheng Xiaoshi's posture was the antithesis to his boyfriend's: stretched out across the whole couch, lying comfortably on his belly, one arm draped over the side of the couch, one leg stretched off to the side.
His eyes were lazily closed, looking quite the picture of comfortable vulnerability. Judging by his breathing, he was not quite asleep yet. Delightful.
Qiao Ling’s job lay open before her. All she needed to do was walk in, fake a stretch, making sure to get close enough, and that would be that.
Timing. She could do this. She began to enter the room. Lu Guang squeezed his eyes shut at the sound of her footfalls. Cheng Xiaoshi grunted in acknowledgement, barely lifting his head. She stretched, finger on the trigger.
Now.
Qiao Ling faked an in-breath, breaking the silence just as…
Lu Guang sneezed. Loudly.
Qiao Ling jumped out of her skin, finger pulling instinctively.In a split second, her own fake sneeze had been abandoned for Lu Guang’s very real sneeze, the spray bottle deploying nonetheless. The damage was instant.
Cheng Xiaoshi practically levitated out of the couch like a cat struck by lightning. Turning in horror, he clutched at his neck like he'd been stung.
“L-Lu Guang, was that YOU??!”
Total, unbridled betrayal.
Qiao Ling was as good as invisible now, watching from the sidelines as Lu Guang looked up at him in shock.
“Cheng Xiaoshi, I—I didn’t sn—”
“But you literally just did!! Geez, Lu Guang, a-are you even okay??”
“I—no! I mean yes! I—It was just a sneeze, but I didn’t sneeze ON you—”
Lu Guang was red with embarrassment, certain that it was impossible, and yet he had no evidence for Cheng Xiaoshi, staring at him wide-eyed and bewildered,
“No seriously, GuangGuang, I swear I felt that all the way over here. Why didn't you tell me it was this bad, did—did you hurt yourself??”
Cheng Xiaoshi was closing the distance, reaching for an indignant Lu Guang as if to examine him anew.
“Cheng Xiaoshi, I'm serious, it’s not possible! I covered, you know I would never—”
At the sight of Cheng Xiaoshi stumbling over blankets to reach him,
“You're worrying me, AhGuang—”
Qiao Ling couldn’t contain it any longer. She burst out laughing. Fell to her knees.
Lu Guang turned a groggy head towards her, as if trying to understand how she could laugh at such devastating times. Cheng Xiaoshi’s head whipped around.
“C’mon Jie, don't laugh—I mean, did you see that? He definitely sneezed, right??”
Cheng Xiaoshi looked one second away from losing his last marble as Qiao Ling rose from the ground.
“Cheng Xiaoshi,"
she said, eyes gleaming the way they only do when she’s thoroughly enjoyed herself at her little brother’s expense. She lifted the bottle with, voice dangerously sweet,
“‘Achoo!’”
She spritzed the air for all to see, grinning like she’d caught him.
For a moment, the boys froze in place.
Qiao Ling almost-expected Cheng Xiaoshi to throw Lu Guang at her out of passion. Lu Guang’s mouth fell open (which, for the record, never happens), face turning from red to very pale. Cheng Xiaoshi's thoughts almost audibly clicked into place like a mechanical clock. Qiao Ling was about to apologize to them both, beg for her life perhaps, when Cheng Xiaoshi actually spoke up.
“... I’m honestly kind of relieved that the last one wasn’t Lu Guang.”
“WHAT?? I mean, you’re not mad at me?? After ALL THIS—”
“I’m kind of relieved too.” Lu Guang sniffed, faintly chiming in.
Now It was Qiao Ling's turn to look surprised. She looked from one to the other, before looking back down at the bottle. Everyone breathed out for a moment.
“...”
“...”
“...”
“... Bless you?” she suggested.
Cheng Xiaoshi considered the words for a moment.
Lu Guang froze.
“Please don’t—”
“Oh HELL NO, QIAO LING, YOU ARE SOOOO DEAD TONIGHT!!!!!"
Yeah, more like it.
Qiao Ling was running, mercilessly using the spray bottle as self defense. Cheng Xiaoshi jostled Lu Guang slightly as he leapt up, pushing the table aside in hot pursuit, “YOU!!! SERIOUSLY, TWICE???”
Qiao Ling was dodging him nimbly, shrieking with laughter as she called out, “You should have SEEN your face!!”
Cheng Xiaoshi threw a cushion her way, which she caught and threw back,
“AND THE MILK TEA, I EVEN THANKED YOU!!!”
“I even blessed you…” Lu Guang mumbled from the couch, barely audible above the pandemonium.
Cheng Xiaoshi cornered her, and she threw her hands up in the air, “I Surrender!! Guilty!! I’m sorry!! You can have the bottle, okay?? TRUCE!!”
Cheng Xiaoshi tackled her to the ground, dramatically exclaiming, “THAT’S FOR MAKING ME THINK MY BOYFRIEND HAD A SNEEZE SO POWERFUL IT COULD CHANGE WEATHER PATTERNS!!—”
“I HADN’T PLANNED IT THAT WAY, I SWEAR!! IT WAS JUST GOING TO BE ME, HE JUST HAPPENED TO SNEEZE REALLY LOUDLY AT THAT EXACT MOMENT OKAY—”
Just then, the two of them stilled, tangled mess of limbs on the floor, as they heard something from the couch. Lu Guang had his face in his hands and—
they were on their feet, voices lowered identically as they rushed to his side. “Wait, GuangGuang, please don’t be upset!! We didn’t mean it, I swear—" they called out in unison.
But Lu Guang wasn’t crying. He was laughing.