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“Now, obviously I don’t want you to die, Arthur, but don’t you think you might be being a little bit dramatic?”
Arthur whimpered hopelessly as he clung to the ceiling. “I am surrounded. By hundreds. Of man-eating plants.”
“Well, they don’t seem to be doing any harm to me,” Ford argued, reaching out to pet one of the snake-like vines. A bud at the end of the vine snapped its jaw-like petals playfully at his fingertips and he chuckled, booping it.
“That is because you’re a Betelgeusian! Your species evolved on this planet alongside these horrific things! I am a human, Ford! And if you don’t help me I will be a dead one!” Arthur crossed his arms and glared at him, suddenly taking on the same disappointed posture he uses while standing upright.
“I think they just wanted to play with you,” Ford said, scratching the plant under what appeared to be its chin. “Besides, this is the green house. You’re not stuck here, there’s a door right over there.” He pointed helpfully. “We can leave.”
Arthur’s scowl softened. It had been a long time since he felt like the universe wasn’t out to get him. Maybe he was overreacting a little bit. Just this once. Hesitantly, he floated down from the ceiling and stood a safe distance away from the planter. “They’re… domesticated?” Arthur watched as Ford walked over to a work bench and picked up a green bag with alien writing on it.
“Yes. They are a common household pet. We have a whole greenhouse full of them because one of my uncles breeds them.” Ford opened the bag and tossed a handful of dried insects into the planter. “They’re perfectly safe and they only eat bugs, so they keep the house insect-free.”
“Huh…” Arthur slowly walked over, standing behind Ford cautiously. “Are you sure they won’t eat me?”
“Look, no offense, but carbon-based life from the Betelgeusian system has a more glucose-heavy biology, alright? You are salty. Everything they would naturally eat would be sugary, like me. To them you would be unappetizing. Plus, I’m right here and I can pull you away if anything goes wrong. We can face this together.”
Arthur nodded and very carefully reached out towards a bud that was affectionately nuzzling the palm of Ford’s hand in the hopes of getting more treats. He touched it gently, flinching on instinct, then relaxed as it ruffled its petals in excitement.
“Oh,” he said, laughing. “It really is just a pet.”
Ford chuckled, then hummed happily as he watched Arthur play with the vines. He couldn’t stop himself from pressing a kiss to Arthur’s cheek. “You’re adorable.”
Arthur snorted and nudged him with his elbow. “I feel a bit foolish.”
“You are a bit foolish, but I don’t blame you. The last time you interacted with a carnivorous plant it almost turned into a feed me Seymour situation.” Ford came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. Then he rested his chin on Arthur’s shoulder, smiling into the collar of his new flannel shirt. “You look good in these new clothes.”
“Thank you for buying them. It would’ve felt wrong to meet your parents in my pajamas.”
Ford blushed. “It sounds so official when you say it like that…”
“We’ve been dating for over a year and a half, Ford. Earth years.”
“And ten Betelgeusian years…” Ford added quietly.
“I’m in love with you. I’m excited to see where you grew up.”
“I…” Ford pressed a quick kiss to Arthur’s jaw. This part was always difficult for him. “Yes. Same.” He sighed a breath of relief when Arthur chuckled. “It’s changed a lot. From their perspective I’ve been gone much longer. Relativity and whatnot. My mothers are very old now. I’ve spent far more time away from them than I did with them.” Ford tucked his face back into the crook of Arthur’s neck.
“Is that why you rushed us off to this place,” Arthur asked, petting a vine that had tried to go up his sleeve. He felt Ford nod his head. “That’s alright. We can wait in here until you’re ready to face them. Although, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. They seemed very excited to see you.”
Ford sighed shakily. “I need a drink. Or several.”
“No, you don’t. You’re doing great. I was so afraid of these things,” Arthur said, gesturing at the garden bed. “You showed me I didn’t need to be. Now I’m emotionally attached to this strange plant that keeps nipping at the buttons on my shirt.”
“They like shiny things,” Ford murmured softly.
“What? They don’t even have eyes! How is that even possible?”
Ford didn’t need to see Arthur’s face to know that it was pinched into a confused scowl. “Absurd, innit?” Over the years, he had found this phrase worked better than anything else to soothe Arthur’s frustration and confusion over all things new and alien.
“Wildly.” Arthur paused, nodded, then continued, “As I was saying, I thought that this would be a life or death situation. It turns out it was perfectly safe all along. And also I would really like one of these guys.” He let the vines playfully wrap around his arms, snapping their jaws happily at each other. “Can we please buy one?”
“Of course.”
“Good. I’d like to name it Zoodle.”
Ford smiled and laughed silently. He squeezed Arthur’s waist affectionately.
“Ah. I’m afraid I’ve gotten distracted. Oh, wait! Yes. I was going to tell you that I believe when we talk to your family you’re going to realize that it’s all perfectly fine as well.”
Ford hummed thoughtfully. He swayed them both side to side as he shifted his weight between his feet, reluctant to leave behind this lovely little moment. Arthur smelled so good, his flannel shirt was soft, his body was warm and squishy and so pleasant to hug, and he was so beautiful to look at, especially when he was giggling with excitement and gently playing with Ford’s preferred species of pet. He didn’t want to burst the little bubble of peace they had unexpectedly found themselves in. Moments like these were so rare as a hitchhiker.
“Come on,” Arthur said softly, pulling out of his grasp and taking him by the hand. He led Ford over to the door. “Our ship is right there. We can always run away and never come back if it turns bad. You’re not stuck here. We can leave.”
Ford nodded. They would face this together. He took a deep breath and pushed the door open.