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Buck didn’t want to be that guy. Well that wasn’t strictly true, normally he loved being that guy. But he certainly didn’t want to be this guy. The bi guy in love with his straight best friend.
Sure, he had a little bit of a crush on him, everyone did. From the first day he entered the firehouse, everyone had known how good looking Eddie was. Even Hen thought so! So Buck knew that that was okay, normal, healthy even. If only it had stopped at being able to appreciate Eddie’s objective hotness. But it didn’t.
They became friends, Buck drawn like a moth to the flame that was all of the great qualities that made Eddie, Eddie. His more measured bravery was a perfect complement to Buck’s more reckless kind. They evened each other out, Buck drew Eddie from himself and Eddie kept Buck on stable ground. But he never made Buck feel less-than, even when they fought. Eddie saw Buck for Buck, inclusive of all his Evan Buckley parts. And it just- it felt easier to breathe when he was there, like a mask he wasn’t usually aware of failed to be necessary.
Then Eddie put Buck in his will. The two were already solidified as best friends, but this was something much more than that. It was trust Buck never believed would be given to him. The moment was so intimate that for a split second a traitorous, unchecked part of Buck’s overactive brain thought Eddie was about to make a different confession. He didn’t exactly know the shape of the confession that never was, but his heart had soared at the possibility of whatever just the same.
Eddie would scoff when people would ask if Buck was Chris’ uncle, because, no, he’s Buck. Eddie would say it like it encompassed everything and nothing of what the situation was. A scrunch to the brows and a shake of the head would follow the explanation, before brown eyes would find his baby blues as if trying to read something there. Buck’s whole attention would belong to those eyes whenever they’d meet.
They created a little family, independent of any labels aside from “best friend” and “Buck”. Eddie’s worries had long since become Buck’s worries, and he would do anything to see the other man alright.
It was only when asked about a future with someone else that Buck realised he didn’t just see a future with Eddie, he was already making one.
Buck began to wonder if he would ever find the kind of intimacy he had with Eddie, with anyone else. Of course they never kissed or anything more, but when he compared it to other relationships, he and Eddie were unusual in their closeness.
Buck would never cheat in a committed relationship, but he was more than willing to prioritise Eddie, as he’d always done. If others couldn’t understand that, and thought he was in love with his best friend? It was laughable.
But the joke was on him.
When Tommy said he was Buck’s first but wouldn’t be his last, a part of him was relieved. Another part of him was waiting to talk to Eddie about what the hell that was supposed to mean. Because whenever something happened with Tommy, he told Eddie. Eddie was his partner in everything, including navigating the turbulent waters of dating.
The suggestion of Buck being in love with his best friend wasn’t a new one, and that’s obviously why he responded the way he did to Tommy and to Maddie. He didn’t share with Maddie the wording he used with Tommy, he knew how it would sound. But it was in the heat of the moment, and Buck just says things sometimes. That had to be all it was. For his sake, and for Eddie’s.
He couldn’t be in love with his best friend. It was a gross stereotype, perpetuated by straight cis men who can’t handle having a queer friend.
Then who was in the wrong, him or Eddie? Because the way they were together, was devoid of any of the boundaries two platonic best friends have.
Buck started to believe it was him, obviously. He’s the queer one so he’s the one making things weird.
And he still isn’t in love with his best friend, said best friend is just hot and Buck clearly struggles to ignore that attraction.
Essentially, he made it about him, again. He continued to ignore things he would notice about any other guy and feel confident enough to hit on. He ignored the narrowed eyes of Hen, the gentle insistence of Maddie, and the implications of Josh. Not to mention every other queer man who crossed Eddie’s path.
Eddie was Catholic, a father, he’d dated women. Buck stuck to these facts the same way people stuck to their stereotypes, and refused to see the holes.
Eddie was an ally, he was super accepting. If he was into men, they’d know.
•
It was June, and they were sitting down to their weekly dinner with Chris when Eddie asked. The question was fine, the month could be blamed on not knowing, but the time it had taken him to ask was confusing.
“How did you know you liked men?” Eddie wondered, all-too casual as he went about serving out salad.
Chris beat Buck to the punch, blurting out “what?”
Eddie shrugged, then quickly winced. “Sorry, is that an okay question to ask?”
Buck blinked at him, turned to Chris for guidance but found none. He slowly lowered his fork and tilted his head while he watched Eddie, as if that would help. “No, you can ask the question. It’s just-.” His hesitation finally made Eddie look at him.
Eddie looked uncomfortable with the eye contact, seeming desperate for it to end but stubborn enough to stick it out. Which was just so him.
“I’m just wondering, why now?” It had been years since Buck came out, so what was different today?
“Well different people say different things, so I just wanted to know what you’d say,” Eddie again tried to fake a nonchalance Buck saw for what it was.
Buck had to stop himself from asking a million questions in response because how do you know? Why does it matter? Does it matter? What does it mean if it matters?
Instead he nodded and took a deep breath. “I could always appreciate a h-,” he went to say hot but stopped when he glanced at Chris, “attractive guy. I’d check them out. I could picture myself being with them, and when I did, it wasn’t dissimilar to how I felt towards women.” Buck watched closely for Eddie’s reaction.
Eddie looked down. “Oh.”
“Does that help?” And Buck hadn’t meant to word it like that.
Eddie’s head snapped up, fear and what was quickly turning into something close to anger bloomed behind his eyes. “What does that mean?” He demanded. “Help?”
Buck put his hands out placatingly and plastered his most defusing smile on his face. “Hey, I just meant that I hope I answered right.”
Eddie immediately deflated at that, frowning at Buck. “Anything you would have said would have been ‘right’ Buck, that’s not what-,” now it was Eddie’s turn to cut himself off. “I just wanted to hear how it was for you,” he admitted. “Thanks for telling me.”
“Of course, Eddie. It’s not like it’s a secret or I’m ashamed of it or anything,” again he apparently hadn’t chosen his words correctly.
“Yeah, because what reason would someone have to be ashamed, huh? It’s 2026 for Christ’s sake!” Eddie let out and rose from his seat, grabbing his unfinished plate and fleeing to the kitchen.
Chris and Buck looked at each other.
“Do you know what’s going on with your dad?” Buck hoped Chris would have a better idea.
“I don’t know. You’re Buck. Dad’s Dad. You’ll figure it out,” Chris said, pretty cryptically if you asked Buck.
“Okay…I’m gonna go talk to him,” Buck told Chris, if only so he would have to actually go through with it.
Buck edged into the kitchen only to see that his back door was open and Eddie was outside standing in the middle of the yard. The light from inside cast a soft glow over the man, making him stand out like some sort of beacon. Buck would have been drawn to him either way.
Buck stood beside Eddie and could see that his eyes were pinched shut. “Hey,” Buck tried lightly. “You okay?”
He opened his eyes at the sound of Buck’s voice, but all that showed there was the fear again. “Why do I do this?” Eddie murmured, pain clear in his voice.
“Do what, Eddie? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Eddie shook his head, the weakest laugh Buck had ever heard falling from his lips. “I make everything harder.”
“Hey, that’s not true. That’s not true at all. Where’s this coming from?”
Eddie tipped his head to the sky as if to tell it a secret. “I’m gay, Buck. I’m gay and I’m a god damn cliche!” Tears fell from his eyes.