Chapter Text
It had started as an imitation at best.
"Team leader. Do you want to die?"
"…Wow, look at this punk…"
Both of them had known it was a joke. Both of them understood, to some extent, the many questions buried underneath it.
"Call me hyung. Then I'll tell you."
"…"
So Kim Rok Soo hadn't known the reason until an year later, when Lee Soo Hyuk eventually gave up. Not at being called hyung for once, but at his dongsaeng's persistent gaze he couldn't quite refuse.
"It's so I can look far, you know?"
Tap
"Check for anyone who's left behind. For anyone who can be buried."
Team Leader had said that, standing stop a pile of debris where skyscrapers stood once. The height was enough for Rok Soo to maintain a good distance, unlike the other who wandered freely near the edge. If he had taken a step further Kim Rok Soo might've really hit the back of his head, dragging him back. Even if there wasn't an actual danger per se, he didn't want to take unnecessary risks outside of a mission.
"Will looking change anything?"
As far as Kim Rok Soo had known, they always checked their vicinity thoroughly after the wreckage of yet another monster outbreak. Their team had the most success in that regard—finding bodies to bury, that is.
"Well."
Lee Soo Hyuk had met his gaze then.
That was the one of the first times Rok Soo had noticed how human he looked, how unfamiliar.
"Why don't you try looking yourself?"
But when he'd actually done that, the man had laughed in surprise and dragged him back.
Kim Rok Soo had never seen the Team Leader stand on a building's rooftop after that. Something about how it was dangerous and he shouldn't do it either, that death was as quiet as a falling leaf.
That was why, until the time he became the Team Leader, he hadn't tried it either.
There hadn't been a need to.
Lee Soo Hyuk was in charge of looking for lost bodies, Kim Rok Soo was in charge of whatever had led to that outcome.
So until the time those responsibilities changed and he realised what a funeral actually was, there hadn't been a need to wander near a place so dangerous, when death would be the least of their concerns. He'd joked about this back then too, saying how the Team Leader would fall straight into the jaws of another monster. That death would be a mercy, if he fell.
"… Have I ever told you you're scary?"
Kim Rok Soo had felt himself smile for the first time in weeks then. It was because the Team Leader had laughed despite claiming his words to be scary.
Tap, tap
It had become a lost habit, though. When his body had changed and his surroundings did, the habit was as gone as good.
That was, until the threat of war started looming over their heads, and when the imminent battles started, Cale's home being the first target.
Tap, tap
It wasn't his fault, not quite.
Whoooosh
It was a rooftop usually, in the dull of an eerily quiet night. Or a tall tree, the height enough that he had to squint to focus on what was right down below.
Tap
But if neither was an option, the balustrade of his balcony would do it. When the children would be away to play and his butler outside for other chores, Cale would walk upto his balcony and jump over the same, sitting on the edge of a cold railing.
Sometimes he'd let his arms down too, not supporting his body.
His feet would always hang in empty air, that was the way he preferred it to be.
Whooosh
Time would pass in counts of how many times a breeze ran eastward, ruffling his hair. Records would quiet then, and only then, for a single night alone.
****
Whooosh
Tap, tap
"Haa…"
A sigh left his lips before he'd even sat down.
Whooosh
Cale withdrew the wind supporting him in the air, walking over the slightly slanted rooftop.
Tap, tap
It had been an annoyingly long day.
To start with, Raon had been targeted, though it was hardly a risk with the ancient dragon personally guarding the child. Ohn and Hong were his responsibility, and though their fog and poison would've helped a lot, Cale had told the children not to use any of their powers, and to stay at his side no matter what happened.
Whooosh
It wasn't anything special.
The White Star, the Bears, the vast multitude of black mages that never seemed to end.
A rainstorm of blood red thunderbolts, the gazes of his children as if stuck to his figure alone, the many, many corpses.
Tap
During the battle the noise quieted down. The urge to sit and stall as if disappeared, and his ears rang faintly, blood trickling down his neck.
It was how Cale preferred it to be, though he wouldn't admit it to anyone.
The chill of his own blood over the remains of the past, the shouts with a name different than his own. It was relieving. To not be called Rok Soo anymore, Cale thought it was the most relieving part of his changed life.
Whooosh
Thoughts like that flickered and faded.
The gasps, the shrieks, his own battered body that he hadn't noticed until Raon cried.
It was a minor wound at best. But the child was scared, and Cale should've paid attention, he should've done better.
Tap
But he hadn't, and the children were upset, the adults concerned.
It wasn't what he wanted to see, again.
It made something bitter surge inside, something akin to annoyance but not as mild.
'I should contact his highness tomorrow…'
There were matters still left to discuss, and since they were heading back home anyway, Cale decided to meet the Crown Prince personally rather than on a call.
Tap, tap
"…"
Slowly, nothing remained. No plans to make up, no further calls needed.
Whooosh
The wind remained and the barest of his psyche did.
The thought of what was good about it all. The same breeze could be felt on the safety of a balcony, the clarity stretched over hours of something not quite a nap but that was how Cale labeled it as anyway.
As Kim Rok Soo he hadn't really thought about it.
He hadn't remembered then, lost in a rare moment of peace.
There had been ability users who could both scout or check their vicinity upto miles, but Lee Soo Hyuk had still mentioned he wanted to check it himself.
For what reason?
Whooosh
'It's quiet.'
Was it because of that?
Or because, for a moment alone, the sky stretched so far you'd mistake the crimson for a minute blotch, like there was only one wrong cloud and the entire world was okay, normal, blue and green and white, again.
Whooosh
Team Leader had tricked him.
There was nothing visible from here.
Neither bodies nor a soul. The horizon was only a line. The faint moonlight a blur.
Cale wanted to ask.
What it was about this bleak sight that Team Leader had wanted to see after every mission.
He wanted to ask.
"…"
Whooosh
The night morphed into another dawn.
Cale stared, empty eyed, into the never-ending shuffle of the clouds, of time itself.
There was no one to answer him now.
Why hadn't he said these same words before, even once?
****
Afternoons had grown hazier, the inevitability making itself more prominent. Cale had known the disputes would only increase, that once a war started it would be one battle after another.
As such, he found himself frequenting such places more.
Feet hanging in a muted silence, gaze fixed onto nothingness.
It was better than staying asleep, when records would plague his dreams too. He preferred it to be real, the blankness of everything. Not in a dream or yet another nap, Cale wanted to be left alone and have the time pass as a witness. He wanted to live while the silence went on. Because living was the best, because he wasn't yet a corpse. Kim Rok Soo wanted to see his thoughts still as he sighed, for the illusion of future and memory to disappear altogether.
Whooosh
"…"
Quiet.
It was so quiet Cale didn't notice the knock at the door, the shuffle followed by giggles and a plan of surprising a certain redhead.
Tap, tap
Because of that.
Because he had been so lost he had forgotten where and what he was altogether.
"Cale!"
"Human!"
Fwish
"…!"
A hard flinch was all it took for his figure sitting on the edge, the narrowest of support, to fall down.
'…!'
"…Cale…!"
Fwish
The height he'd assumed to reach the skies lessened in such a swift instant his body went limp with fear.
'Shit-!'
Swish-
A series of jumbled screams reached his ears as his body fell down, passing the tall branches so quickly he was scratched all over.
'…!'
Whooosh
His heart pounded in his ears.
Cale stared wide-eyed at the ground that was only a feet apart from his head, then balanced himself slowly with the wind.
"…"
It took a while.
It took a whole minute for his ears to catch anything except the ringing, for the rush of adrenaline to calm down only slightly.
"…Huff…"
"Cale-nim!"
"Young master!"
Something fierce grabbed his arm. If the voice wasn't familiar Cale might've attacked the other out of pure reflex.
"…!"
"…"
It was Choi Han and Rosalyn.
"Cale-nim…"
The redhead stood blankly as the two kept checking his body, despite there only being minor scratches at most. He felt guilty for surprising them by suddenly falling from his own balcony, but really, he was fine now.
"…I'm okay."
Fwish
The redhead roughly pushed away the arm as sounds of footsteps approached near.
Tap, tap
"Human!"
"Cale nya!"
The children, who were immediately about to rush into his arms, stopped when they saw the scratches littering his arms.
Pat, pat
Cale patted the scales of the dragon who'd started tearing up.
"I'm fine, Raon."
"Young master."
Cale regretted checking the latter's expression. Concern? Fear? Or was it annoyance? The redhead had never seen Ron's gaze so shaken, so he didn't understand.
"…Mm…"
Ohn and Hong nuzzled against his legs. He wanted to pick them up, but he didn't want to show his hands that were still shaking from the aftermath of the chaos.
"Young master, what happened?"
"Cale-nim, was it an attack? Are you okay? Did someone push-"
"It's not like that."
Tap
'…Huh?'
Cale held in all the questions he had as he watched both Rosalyn and Ron taking out healing potions. These paper scratches would heal in a minute at most, so why waste such precious resources? No, before anything, how did they have healing potions at hand already…?
"…Cale nya."
It was Ohn. The redhead tried to steady his gaze and his quickened breaths.
"Hmm?"
"…Why were you-"
Tap
Whoooosh
"Why were you sitting so close to the edge...?"
'… huh?'
Silence ensued.
"Well, it was just-"
'Wait.'
Cale's thoughts halted abruptly. The noise in his ears quieted down. His own breath was too loud.
'Wait…'
It was a habit.
As Kim Rok Soo, it had been a habit.
"…"
But how was he supposed to say that?
Even if he excluded the Rok Soo part, how was he supposed to explain a habit like this?
"That, well-"
'…'
No words formed. He racked his head to think of an excuse but even the simplest of lies didn't emerge on his tongue.
"…Um…"
"…"
He could hear Raon sniffling. He could feel everyone's gazes even if his own was directed elsewhere.
'Shit…'
Despite the urgency of the situation he found himself thinking back to the first time he'd seen Team Leader on the edge of a rooftop.
Hadn't he misunderstood too?
But Team Leader, whose motto treasured life, wasn't like that.
Cale wasn't either.
"…It's not…"
But the words clawed through his throat, his head throbbing every second.
"…Human."
The gazes were concerned at best, yet being at the focus of it all, Cale felt himself shrink and shrink again.
It was hard.
It was getting harder to breathe and to remain quiet and still.
"…Young master."
The butler's tone was almost sharp enough to cut. Cale knew it wasn't directed to him per se. It still hurt.
"Let's go inside for now."
The children's gazes were etched in his mind. He wouldn't be able to forget, that much he was certain of.
Tap, tap
****
"Cale-nim."
"Let him speak first."
The redhead awkwardly watched Choi Han and Ron glaring at each other. Maybe because of the mess he had created, the two were left annoyed like that.
"…Right. So."
Rosalyn was present too.
But the most annoying factor was the blond standing near the door, his gaze complicated.
'Damn it all…'
It was Alberu, who he had called since he was too lazy to go to the Palace himself. The matter hadn't spread, well, the fact that Cale was on the balcony on his own accord hadn't, but the blond had been informed of nearly everything by the children a moment ago.
'…shit…'
It was a giant, annoying mess. His head throbbed even more.
"…First of all, it's not what everyone thinks."
What did they think, anyway?
That he was doing something like that, that Cale was?
He treasured his life more than anything.
Was it not obvious to others?
"…It's a habit, a recent habit…"
But his words grew more jumbled, a sense of incongruence as if stinging his chest. It felt as if explaining was making it worse.
"…You have a habit of sitting on the edge of balconies?"
'…'
He wanted to commit treason, just for a moment.
"…Well, in a way."
"…"
'Damn it.'
It wasn't that Cale didn't realise he was making it worse. That was how he had lived most of his life, anyway.
It was just, something.
"No, well…"
'…'
A discomfort lingered. The sensation crawled underneath his skin, the fabric of his shirt burning the scratches that had healed long ago.
"…Well…"
It was because he couldn't convince himself either.
'Living is the best.'
And it was.
It was.
Cale, no, even as Kim Rok Soo, he'd heeded the words and ingrained the same over his heart. Being alive was the best. He'd chanted the words like an anthem, like a prayer, the numbers lost and the alphabets morphing into his entire life.
He wasn't someone who ever wanted death.
He hated pain and he hated being bothered even more.
A slacker life was his dream.
"…I-"
Why would he want to ruin it with his own two hands?
"I wasn't trying to hurt myself…"
But he couldn't meet the gazes of others. Not Ron, not the swordsman who knew of his past.
Cale couldn't meet his own gaze, and the day ended like that.
Perhaps the fact that the children didn't prod on it afterwards was what hurt the most.