Archive of Our Own

Run for all you know that's coming

(run to show that love's worth running to) 

+++++++++++++++++++++

My feet almost slip out from under me as I hurry across the beach to my first class of the day. It doesn’t help that I didn’t bother to tie my shoelaces before leaving the house and now every stride needs to be extra long so I don’t step on them and fall flat on my face. I feel like a gazelle just without all that grace they usually have as they prance across the savannah. 

I’m running late and risking bloody knees because Adrian and Rocky have no self-control when it comes to binge-watching which is a nightmare and a half when the show they have decided to obsess over this month has ten fudging seasons! And if that wasn't bad enough they kept me up half the night with their passionate argument over whether or not Rachel and Ross were on a break. My very reasonable (and increasingly desperate) objection that the answer doesn’t even matter because Ross is a pathetic loser either way and “Please please please, just let it go you two, you are driving me crazy!” was deliberately ignored in favor of rewatching the episode and breaking out the charts and the pros and cons list. 

So. This is my life right now.  

I’m tired and the opening tunes of that godforsaken show are playing in my head on repeat like a 90s’ earworm from hell. By the time I burst into the classroom, finally tripping over those shoelaces but able to catch myself on the table before anything worse happens, all of my pebbles are already in attendance. I’m not ‘late’ late but I usually turn up a good amount of time earlier than necessary so I can prepare the classroom in peace. If I do it while the pebbles are already here I have to spend way too much of my attention answering their inquisitive questions because apparently they need to know the reasons for absolutely every single one of my decisions. Why have you put the whiteboard over there? Why do you need to replace that test tube? Why aren’t we going to use the microscope today? I love them to death but you can only answer a “But why?” question so many times before the urge to fall back on the age old “Because!” gets too big.

I prepare myself for the excited chittering and chattering that usually greets me when my pebbles notice me and am therefore caught off guard when my arrival comes and goes without any kind of acknowledgment.

My pebbles are all gathered in a circle around something in their midst, excitedly trilling among themselves. None of them pay any attention to me. 

Ok. Ouch. But that’s alright. It’s ok. Just because they completely ignore my existence doesn’t mean that they don’t like me anymore, right? 

I shake my head at myself. That was kind of pathetic, even for me. Maybe it’s time for me to find some other forms of enrichment besides preparing lesson plans and school. I clearly need some more grown-up friends. 

Rocky doesn’t count, by the way.

I creep closer to the barrier, acting as if I couldn’t care less what has them so captivated that they ignore their favorite teacher in the whole wide world. “What’s all the racket about, huh?”

One of the pebbles shifts to the side and I can finally see what they are all gathered around. Turns out that it’s little Tori who is the center of attention this morning. They turn around themselves in circles all while holding up one of their limbs, waving it from side to side as if they are conducting a symphony. Their movements seem frantic and uncoordinated and they keep tripping over the three remaining limbs as they spin around and around.  

I guess the fright from their accident still sits deep in my bones. My heart immediately starts to jackrabbit in my chest. I press my hands against the xenonite and barely keep myself from bonking my head against the barrier as well. 

“Tori! Everything okay? Are you hurt?”

Tori immediately stops spinning and breaks through the crowd to scuttle closer to me. They sway a little from side to side like a drunken sailor and I wonder if Eridians can experience vertigo like a human. I have no idea how that would work without an inner ear canal but maybe Eridians have something similar? I should ask McCoy when I see them for my next check-up or maybe I can convince Rocky to offer himself as a guinea pig for some practical experiments. Maybe we can even conduct them in front of the pebbles. We could turn it into a lesson and maybe-

Focus Grace!  

The other pebbles part like the sea to let Tori through and then follow them. Before long I have a gaggle of pebbles all pressed against the wall vying for my attention. 

I can’t even enjoy it because I’m still too on edge.

“Teacher Grace! I am very excited.” Tori waves their little limb at me much like they had done for their peers. “Parents have decided I am ready for my mark-of-growth.” 

All the tension leaves my body and I breathe a sigh of relief. So Tori is alright, just a bit hyper with excitement. Before I have time to feel embarrassed about my exaggerated reaction Tori demands my full attention. They repeatedly tap the barrier which is more or less code for “Look look look!” 

I grin and obediently crouch down. They hold up the two limbs that bear their family crest. I’ve seen it before, of course. Pretty much every pebble in my class has made it a point to come up to me and direct my attention to the lines and symbols carved into their exoskeleton that represent their family. Family crests span over both limbs and form a complete picture whenever those two limbs are pressed against each other in front of them. 

It’s what Rocky had done when we first met and he tried to introduce himself before I rudely cut him off and declared that his name would be Rocky from now on. I still cringe a bit every time I remember that moment. Rocky loves to rub it in but it’s hard to take him seriously because every time I offer to find him a new, more appropriate and dignified name he freaks out and acts as if I have suggested we chop all of his limbs off.  

Even though I have seen it before I take my time studying the lines on Tori’s carapace once more. All crests are different, depending on the family. Tori’s crest almost exclusively consists of different sized circles that are overlapping each other. 

This cultural phenomenon and the traditions behind it are fascinating to me. The first time Rocky explained the significance behind the markings I was blown away by how complex this topic truly is. Apparently every time two mates have their first batch of eggs they consult specialized artistic Eridians who then combine both of their family crests into a new one that has characteristics of both parents. That new crest is then revealed in a big ceremony to family and friends shortly before the eggs are about to hatch.

(“Like a gender reveal party?” I’d asked, laughing. Rocky had immediately watched some youtube videos to understand the reference and then spent a whole afternoon giving me the cold shoulder because it is NOTHING as crude as a gender reveal party and how dare I compare the two of them? I haven’t made that mistake again.)

As soon as the pebbles hatch, another kind of specialized Eridian etches their new crests into their shell. It has to be done in the first hours after they break out of their eggs because by then the exoskeleton is still soft and malleable which makes the etching easy and completely painless. Like scratching lines into malleable clay before it hardens. When that Eridian grows up, finds a mate and has pebbles of their own, the tradition gets repeated. This way every crest is unique but carries a little piece of its ancestors with it. 

Since every pebble of the same cluster gets the same crest upon birth, there is another milestone in every Eridian’s life to celebrate their individuality. Some time before they turn 100 years old, there will come a moment when their crest gets altered by adding a unique signifier or mark. It is supposed to demonstrate their maturity and growth. I like to compare it to a coming-of-age ceremony although I haven’t said it out loud in case it might be considered the same kind of faux pas as my gender reveal comment. It is a big deal in a pebble's life and something that all of my pebs have been looking forward to immensely. 

I have heard them once or twice wondering when they will get their mark-of-growth because apparently the decision on that lies solely with the parents or guardians. They determine the moment you are ready to receive it and they also decide what kind of mark it will be. 

The add-on is supposed to be something that is unique only to you, something that tells everyone that sees it who you are as a person. Your strengths, your personality, your place in the universe even. I don’t really understand how the carving of a line or a circle is supposed to represent all that but I’m not conceited enough to think that this is something meant to be grasped by a puny human and his squishy brain. I’m sure there are a lot of hidden messages in the way a line is added by how deep or wide or pronounced it is that I will never be able to pick up on.

I really wish I could, though. Sometimes I find myself tracing Rocky’s or Adrian’s marks and wonder what they could mean. Is this etching meant to convey Rocky’s bravery? Is that dot Adrian’s serenity? 

All that to say, getting your mark-of-growth added to your family crest is a big deal. The general sense of excitement in my classroom is more than understandable now.

“Wow!” I exclaim and lean closer. “That is amazing. I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank thank thank.” Tori squirms in place and it is such an endearing sight I melt on the spot. “Parents say I earn it for bravery. For going to school and making friends despite fear. Brave enough to play and get hurt, they say. Brave enough to get my mark.”

They point to the barely discernable crack which is all that’s left of their accident. I swallow around the lump in my throat and think back on the impotent fear I had felt in that moment. It is hard to believe that anything positive could come out of that day. But Rocky did say that on Erid getting your first injury is considered a sign of maturing. For a human it would be unthinkable to consider your child getting its first scar a reason for celebration but I have long since stopped trying to apply human logic to Eridians. 

“Tori is the first to get one,” Len pipes up. They are vibrating on the spot tapping at their own crest that is a map of triangles and wavy lines. “Very exciting!”

“I’m sure I’ll get mine too!” Sam stomps their claw. “Soon!”

“I’m sure you will,” I placate and then because I’m a bit worried about the mood shifting from excitement to jealousy I address the rest of the class: “I’m sure you all will.”

“We are trying to figure out what it will be,” Roo tells me. “I think it should be another circle. Anything else would completely disrupt the symmetry of the harmonious ensemble.” 

The other pebbles mutter in confusion but I smile a little. Compared to the other pebbles, Roo is quite mature and well-spoken for their age. They are also very posh. When I met their parents on student-teacher night I had to field many questions about my wardrobe and what humans consider aesthetic ideals so their child’s interest in ‘fashion’ and appearances is not that surprising. If I had known Roo longer before assigning human names I’d probably have called them Rarity. 

“I don’t care about an in-sample,” Tory pipes up, completely butchering the unfamiliar word. “I hope it’s straight lines. Four of them. One for each of my limbs.” 

The others chatter about how much they love that idea. Even Roo admits that it might be “a nice break in the pattern to highlight its unique qualities”. 

I silently watch them all, especially Tori. It feels like only yesterday that they were hiding behind their parents during our first meeting, nervous and afraid of being left behind and an outcast because of their disability. They have come such a long way, it brings a tear to my eyes.

“Whatever it is, I'm sure it is going to be just right for you,” I say and rap my knuckles against the barrier. “I can’t wait to see it. But how about we-”

My attempt to get them to their seats so we can begin the day is rudely interrupted.

“Where is Teacher Grace’s family crest?” Quinn asks, jumping up and down like a bouncy ball, almost bowling Roo over who shrieks in outrage. Too much energy, that one. 

“Uh.” Before I can explain that humans don’t really have anything like that (at least nothing that gets carved into their skin) Sam taps against the barrier.

“Right there, stupid. On Teacher Grace’s arm-limb.”

I look down to see what they are pointing at.

It’s Rocky’s clawprint. The one he left behind when he pulled me to safety after the Adrian fiasco.

I stare at it for a while. I’m wearing a t-shirt today so it’s in clear view. Not that the pebbles need a direct line of sight thanks to their echolocation but it allows me to examine it which I admittedly haven’t done in a long time. Sometimes I kind of forget how stark it stands out against my skin. The discoloration is only one part of it. It clearly stands out because the skin is raised and a different texture than the rest of the arm. You can’t really overlook it, echolocation or not. Some days it looks worse than it is but it doesn’t really hurt. 

“Oh. This?” I ask and shake my head. “It’s not really-”

Sam is still bickering with Quinn and ignoring me. So we are back to that, aren’t we? “My parents say that Savior Rocky made the mark themselves, alone. The crest artists say it’s too crude but the elders have officially acknowledged it because there was no other way and because Teacher Grace didn’t have his own yet anyway. So now he’s part of Savior Rocky’s cluster.”

Good thing my pebbles are too busy discussing the origins and lore of my scar because I don’t think I could string two sentences together right now if my life depended on it. My mouth is so dry it feels like I have shallowed sand.

Quinn presses themselves against the barrier and points at my arm. “But this is just for Savior Rocky. What about Honorable Adrian? Doesn’t Teacher Grace want to be part of Honorable Adrian’s cluster too?”

“They are the same cluster, dummy! They are mates!” Sam is getting worked up. The others are getting into it as well. It’s turning into a class discussion, dear Lord. “And Honorable Adrian wasn’t there when Savior Rocky did that, didn’t you listen? Savior Rocky and Teacher Grace were still in space. Did you fall asleep when they covered this in the reenactment during the parade?”

“Reenactment?” I splutter. I can feel my face grow hot in embarrassment. I’m aware that there had been a planet wide parade in our honor upon our return but I’d still been slipping in and out of consciousness at that point so it went by me without too much notice. As far as I know Adrian forced Rocky to attend and at least show himself but my friend escaped early on back to my bedsite. All Rocky told me about it was that it had been big and loud and that there had been too many politicians and elders in attendance who all wanted a piece of him. He never once mentioned something like a theater production. What the heck?

“It was my favorite part,” Roo sighs and clasps their two claws together. “Oh, the emotional devastation and then the cathartic relief. It was exquisite storytelling."

“I did not like that part. But the rest was fun even if they made Teacher Grace too serious,” Tori offers up their own critique. “Teacher Grace is so much better in person. Also the puppet was creepy.”

A hysterical laugh escapes me. A puppet show? Really?

“But Quinn is right,” Len says and they sound contemplative. “Teacher Grace has been on Erid for a long time now. Honorable Adrian should have added their own mark by now to complete it.”

Their voices are all suddenly overlapping.

“Why haven’t they?”

“Are they waiting for something?”

“Are Honorable Adiran and Savior Rocky fighting?”

“Teacher Grace, is everything okay at home?”

“Has Honorable Adrian rejected you?” 

“NO! How dare they! Teacher Grace is the best!”

“Woah woah woah. Okay. Stop! I need you all to stop, okay? Those are not appropriate questions for your teacher!” My face must be beet red by now. I feel a little lightheaded actually. This is getting way out of hand. I’m uncomfortably reminded of the time some of my human kids saw me talking to a female teacher after school and immediately assumed that we were ‘a thing’. They pestered me about it for weeks and tried to give me tips for romantic dates. It was a nightmare. 

I unconsciously put a hand over the scar on my arm. My head is reeling. I know that mated Eridians can claim other Eridians as part of their cluster. As far as my understanding goes it is not exactly comparable to a marriage or adoption but rather an acknowledgment that you are more than a mere friend and that they want you to be a part of their life and future forever. When you are claimed by a mated pair as part of their cluster it is universally accepted that you have the same rights and importance as all the other cluster mates. It is apparently not that rare and there are whole groups of a dozen or so Eridians that form a cluster with only a few of them also being romantic mates and sexually involved.

And apparently this is what all of Erid thinks happened between me and Rocky? This is all news to me. How come this has never come up in a conversation before? As far as I know Rocky and Adrian have never invited anyone else into their cluster. Not even while Rocky was away did Adrian seek a deeper connection with someone else or ask to be added to another cluster, something that I know for a fact has been offered to many of the other surviving mates that got left behind on Erid. Rocky even told me once that he was honestly surprised that Adrian had waited for him and him alone with nothing but their wedding bands as a sign of belonging to anyone. It would have been completely understandable if Adrian had looked for connection somewhere else and nothing Rocky would have ever held against them.

Knowing how devoted Adrian was to him had made Rocky (and me, I’m a sympathetic crier to no one's surprise) very emotional. 

And now Erid thinks Rocky added me to their cluster while out in space? Enough to put on a play about it?

Does Rocky know about these assumptions? How could he not?

And Adrian?

What do they think about all of this? How must they feel, knowing they stayed by themselves all these years, waiting for Rocky to return, just to have him return and everyone assuming that he added a third to your family without your input. Do they know what all of Erid assumes about my scar and my relationship with Rocky? Are they okay with that? 

And if they are okay with it… why haven’t they ever-?

I shake my head. My hands are clammy. If Adrian is not aware of the rumors, I have to inform them and clear the air. It would be unfair not to. And if they know and haven’t approached me about it, then…

“Has Honorable Adrian rejected you?” 

My head hurts. Adrian has admitted that they resented me at first, for putting Rocky in danger and taking up so much of his time when he should have been spending it with his mate. Did they maybe also see the scar and assume what everyone else is assuming? It would make their initial feelings even more understandable, honestly.  

It’s hard to believe that they don’t still hate me but as much as my mind is spiraling right now, I’m not too far gone to forget how gentle Adrian is with me. There is no revelation, no matter how shocking, that would make me doubt their affection for me. 

But not resenting someone and wanting them to be part of your family are two very different shoes. Rocky is their family, their cluster. Not the leaky space blob he brought home. I’m the first to admit that I don’t have the best track record when it comes to family so my perception might be just a little bit skewed but I have a hard time accepting that they are completely okay with any of this.

Our dynamic has always felt a little bit extraordinary but I hadn’t put too much thought into it because I told myself that I shouldn’t look at it from a human perspective. Being this entwined with both of their lives had always felt natural. All the cuddling and spending time with each other and sharing everything and being called Dearest Grace and Adrian asking me for advice when Rocky has one of his days where he is closing himself off from everyone and Rocky asking me to watch him sleep when Adrian is not available even though it means he’ll have to sleep in his xenonite suit and there must be so many friends and family available and willing to watch the Savior sleep and-

None of what my pebbles told me should change anything but I can’t help but examine everything that was ever done and said and wonder. Wonder if Rocky ever intended it to be that way. Wonder if he knew what he was getting into when he brought a dying human home. Does he feel responsible for me? Does he think he owes me? 

Does Adrian? Are they just tolerating me because of what I did, because of what everyone thinks I am to Rocky? Is that why they haven’t added their own mark to welcome me into their cluster? 

Do they even want that?

A part of me knows that it’s ridiculous to think that way. A part of me knows that I’m being unfair and insecure and once again my own worst enemy.

But another part feels like a burden, a mess.

A homewrecker.

Again.

(My parents arguing in the kitchen about bills, about each other, about me. Always me. 

I’m making a noise, a small one, and they turn towards me, faceless and tall, so tall.

And then my mother, her face nothing but a dark void, leaning over me, telling me that if it wasn’t for me they could have afforded their dream house by now, they could have traveled more, bought nice things, she could have followed her dreams, she could have made something of herself, the least I could do is just keep out of her way, just stay in your room Ryland dear God why do you always have to be around why do we always have to hold your hand stop sniveling why can’t you just-)

The memory hits out of nowhere and I stumble to my feet with a gasp. I don’t remember a lot about my childhood but the way my stomach cramps every time I think about it or the way I can never remember my parents’ faces tells me everything I need to know. 

My pebbles fall silent. They don’t have faces but somehow I can feel them all staring at me anyway. I swallow the bile and smile.

“Come on, pebs. Enough of that. I have some fun experiments planned for us.” 

I turn away and busy myself with the set-up for today. I can hear them rumbling behind me, whispering among themselves, but I’m too shaken to pay them too much mind.

I really should have. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Rocky finds me sitting on the beach and staring at the waves.

This is becoming quite a habit but at least I’m not holed up in my house this time. The waves are less strong today so I sit close to the shore with my shoes and socks off and my pant legs rolled up. I sit close enough to the water so that every time there is a wave incoming it covers my feet and nothing else. The repetitiveness of it all is very soothing, almost hypnotic. My knees are pulled upwards so I can hide my arms between my body and my legs. Hide the scar. I’m still only wearing my t-shirt and one of my hands is tracing the raised tissue. I make sure to keep my fingernails far away from the skin. Even the hint of a scratch will result in another emergency meeting like the one after I accidentally hurt myself in the wake of Tori’s accident. I don’t need that kind of attention right now. 

I’ve been sitting here brooding for quite some time and I’m not surprised that the team that always seems to keep an eye on me has alerted Rocky. They get anxious when I’m inert for too long. Usually I don’t mind but today I wish they were a little less trigger happy. I’m still trying to sort through my feelings because they are, as usual, way more complicated and convoluted than they probably need to be. That’s what being a chronic overthinker gets you, unfortunately.  

My friend clicks rapidly and then plucks at my hair and my shirt, searching for an injury. I roll my eyes, fond and exasperated. 

“We have to teach those worrywarts that it’s completely normal for a human to stare at nothing for a little while. Sorry they bothered you again.”

Rocky is silent for a long time. 

“Grace has been staring at nothing for many hours.”

I am genuinely startled by that. Has it really been hours? Wow, I didn’t even realize. Maybe they were right to worry. 

“My bad,” I say and take a deep breath. “I just… have a lot on my mind.”

He hums and leans against me. “That is rare,” he teases and my lips twitch with an involuntary smile. He’s such a brat. Hearing that, he presses on, humor dripping from every musical tone. “Must be very overwhelming for you.”

“I feel very loved right now,” I deadpan with no inflection at all. Only when the words have left my mouth do I realize what I just said. Everything I’ve been trying very hard not to think about comes crashing right back down. The scar on my arm starts to itch and I know it’s just psychosomatic at this point but I still flinch at the sensation. 

Rocky notices. Of course he does. 

“What is on your mind, question?” 

I should talk to him about this. I should ask him if he knows what his people are assuming about the scar, about us, and whether he’s okay with it. Now that I have been sitting with my thoughts for a while I was at least able to convince myself that I’m surely not just an obligation for Rocky. Even entertaining the thought had been a betrayal to him. If I know him half as good as I think I do I’m convinced that he’d be more than alright with us being considered cluster mates. He’s never made it a secret that he loves me completely.

Love, I have learned, comes easy to Eridians. Sometimes it feels like that’s the main emotion they are running on. If it wasn’t, I don’t think I would be alive anymore. Sure, they are all grateful to me for helping save their planet but no amount of gratefulness can explain the length they have gone to to not only keep me alive but also happy and healthy and comfortable. When Erid loves you, it loves you with everything it has. It loves you to the point of invention, as the saying goes.

It’s a very overwhelming experience for someone like me. Back on earth, love had always been a double-edged sword in my life. I loved my parents but they only loved me when I was out of the way or bringing home good grades. I loved my friends in college but most of them would look at me weird when I told them, especially the guys. I loved Linda, my one and only girlfriend, but never in the way she wanted me to, only just enough to follow her lead in the bedroom but never enough to enjoy myself like she expected me to. I loved the Petrova task force, all of them, loved them with wild abandon, just to realize that I’d apparently just been a means to an end, a backup plan, a ‘maybe one day we’ll have a need for you so you are allowed to stay’. 

Something convenient. 

Love, I came to learn, only comes with strings attached. It never just is, there always has to be a quid pro quo and you, Ryland Grace, don’t have a lot to offer so you better be prepared to keep your head down and do everything you have to do to earn it, be it sex or your brain or your time. 

The first time Rocky told me he loves me I hid in Mary’s bathroom for hours, shaking, scared of how our relationship would change now, what I would have to give up to keep it, to earn it. 

I should have known better of course. Rocky might be a brat most of the time but he has a certain kind of wisdom to him as well. Something about my behavior must have clued him in. I don’t know if he ever actually deduced all of the things wrong with me (I doubt it, not even I can articulate everything wrong with me) or if he’d just decided to go with his gut feeling. But after that day he’d made it a point to tell me that he loves me at least once a day on our journey to Erid while otherwise not changing his behavior at all. Drilling the fact home, so to speak. 

By the end of it I could even say it back without breaking into a cold sweat. 

After some soul searching I have come to the conclusion that I really don’t mind that people assume I’m part of Rocky’s cluster. The idea makes me happy, actually. And I don’t think Rocky would mind either.

But we are not on the Mary anymore where Rocky wakes me with a ‘love you’ every morning without fail.  

It’s not just the two of us anymore and while I sometimes shamelessly miss those easier days, those familiar days, I’m happy for us both. Rocky has Adrian again and to some extent I also have Adrian now. Just maybe not in the way I have Rocky? I want that but… can I really be that greedy? Is that allowed?

I’m still debating just swallowing my feelings like usual and ignoring the issue until it goes away when I look up and see Adrian amble up the beach towards us. My heart immediately quickens and Rocky straightens up. He’s known about his mate’s approach a lot longer than me of course but now I can practically feel him studying me. He’s zeroed in on the problem now. No escaping anymore. He will grill me until I tell him what has me so nervous. 

Stupid body. Stupid echolocation. 

Rocky, to his credit, doesn’t immediately demand an explanation. He must know that my reaction has something to do with Adrian but he patiently waits for his mate to reach us. 

Adrian settles down on my other side without a word. There is a tension and a sense of anticipation in the air and a horrible suspicion forms in my head.

“Hello dearest mate. Hello dearest Grace.”

Rocky hums a greeting but I hunch down. Fold into myself. That greeting sounded very pointed. 

“I had an interesting encounter on my way here.”

Rocky presses harder against me, pushing me against Adrian in the process. This feels very claustrophobic all of a sudden.

“Oh yeah?” 

Why is my voice breaking? Get it together, Grace!

“Some of your pebbles approached me. They were quite agitated on their beloved Teacher Grace’s behalf.”

“Oh my god!” I groan and bury my face in my knees. Adrian sounds amused which is the only reason I haven’t jumped up and run for the hills yet. Not that I would get very far. 

Rocky radiates smug curiosity. “Why?”

“Apparently they just realized that I haven’t marked dearest Grace yet like my wonderful mate has done and that means I don’t appreciate what I have.” Adrian pauses for a second and they sound a little bit put out. “I am apparently no longer considered Honorable Adrian but Dumb Boulder-head Adrian.”

Rocky keeps it together for all of a second before he bursts out laughing, rolling across the sand, limbs flying everywhere. I could scoot away from Adrian now but I don’t. They are warm against my side and anyway, I’m too flabbergasted by Rocky’s reaction to do more than gape stupidly.

“You already knew!” I point a finger at him and he just keeps laughing and rolling through my accusation. “You know what everyone is saying and you didn’t think to tell me?”

I have used the arm with the scar to point at him and jump in surprise when Adrian takes it and softly runs their claw over the mark. I swallow and hold very still.

“To be fair, they did make a whole audio serial about it. It was very popular,” Adrian says and they sound amused and fond again.

“A play and a serial?” I splutter. Rocky has stopped laughing and is currently pulling my legs down flat so he can crawl on top of them, keeping me pinned down. Keeping me from running away. The little bugger knows me too well. The water reaches my calves now and the lower part of my pants grow wet. Not that I care. “And you didn’t… tell them the truth?”

I only realize I’m holding my breath when Rocky bumps against my chest and puts his claw against the scar, right over Adrian’s. “What truth is that?”

“Rocky.”

He settles down at my strangled voice. I guess he can hear the tremor hiding in there and I suddenly have his undivided attention. When he speaks, there is no more teasing to be found. 

“We both know how it happened and why,” he starts. “In the moment it wasn’t meant to be a claiming mark but when everyone assumed, I didn’t mind. It felt right, afterwards. Grace understand?”

I nod my head. I do understand. I felt the same way, after all. It’s nice to know that everyone who looks at this scar thinks it means that Rocky and I belong together. 

“It also made things a lot easier after we reached Erid.” At my questioning grunt he elaborates: “When they saw my claw as a mark on your skin, the elders automatically assumed that I claimed you as part of my cluster. I could have corrected them but it gave me certain freedoms when it came to your care. You weren’t conscious and decisions had to be made about the next course of action. As your cluster mate, I was authorized to make those decisions on your behalf without anyone challenging me.”

I blink. Some puzzle pieces are slowly falling into place. It always astonished me how I woke up from my malnutrition induced coma and pretty much everything had been taken care of. How every doctor and politician and scientist deferred to Rocky when it came to my care and future. I had assumed that it was a combination of Rocky being considered the human expert after spending so much time with me and his general bossyness that kept anyone else from taking control of me or my autonomy. But apparently it was because he was considered my next-of-kin. My proxy. 

“I should have cleared it up when everything was said and done,” Rocky continues when I stay silent. He sounds genuinely sorry for a second before a note of stubborn steel enters his voice. “But I did not want to.” 

I snort because yeah, that’s my Rocky.

“But I should have told you about it.” he concedes.

I nod my head. “It might have saved me some uncomfortable questions today,” I say but I’m smiling and pulling him into a hug. “But… I actually don’t mind. I mean, you know?”

Rocky trills happily and Adrian puts one of his limbs around both of us. It’s nice but it reminds me of the elephant in the room. I lean my cheek against Rocky’s carapace and glance up at Adrian through the fringe of my hair. 

“Are… are you okay? I mean…this is quite a surprise, isn’t it?”

Adrian tilts their whole body to show me they are listening. “I have been aware of the ‘misunderstanding’ for quite a while.”

My heart seizes and I can’t help but flinch a little.

If they had known all this time and never mentioned it to me, that probably means that they don’t want any part in it, don’t they? It’s understandable, of course. They don’t know me like Rocky does, we don’t have the same kind of trauma bond. They like me, I don’t doubt that, but I don’t think they need me like Rocky does. It probably wouldn’t affect them nearly as much as it would Rocky (and me) if I decided to go back to earth all of a sudden. And as far as I know, a cluster mark is a really big deal that is reserved for very special bonds. I shouldn’t expect Adrian to feel the same for me or want this kind of connection for the both of us. I should be happy that they are so understanding and allow me to stay by Rocky’s side as much as they do. 

(“I never wanted you in the first place! I had dreams, you know? Plans! You ruined everything for us, Ryland!”

“We’ve been together for months but you feel like a roommate, you know that? Do you even like me?”

“Dude, don’t say that, we're both men! That’s weird.”

“You’re smart. You’ll figure it out.”)

My voice is small.

“Oh.”

I can feel Rocky vibrate in my arms and I tighten my hold, praying that he won’t interrupt and try to mend what isn’t broken. We have a good thing going, the three of us, no reason to muddy the waters with my messy emotions and abandonment issues. 

Adrian tightens their hold and pulls me closer. I feel very much squished. “I apologize, dearest Grace. It seems I might have made an error in judgment. I was under the impression,” they say, slowly. “That you knew about this as well and chose not to bring it up with me.”

I jerk a little so I can look at them better. “No! I had no idea! This guy didn’t think to inform me about any of this, as you just heard.” I nod my head at Rocky who has become very still all of a sudden. Yeah buddy, you better keep your metaphorical head down! We are so going to have a talk about important information and sharing. “And no one else has mentioned it to me either.”

Adrian hums. “Clusters are very private matters. No one would have dared to question you about your status directly. Speculative and popular serials are another matter, of course. And impertinent pebbles, it seems.”

“So… you thought I knew and never mentioned it to you.”

“And you thought I knew and never mentioned it to you.”

We both look at each other for a long time until Rocky decides to break his vow of silence. “Both mate and Grace are very stupid. It is a good thing that Rocky has the patience of a saint.”

Adrian and I both start to laugh and I slap at Rocky’s carapace. “Oh gosh! Is this seriously the miscommunication trope? Are we really doing this?”

“Like Ross and Rachel!” 

“NO!” I shout and try to push Rocky off my legs. “Not like Ross and Rachel at all!”

“We were definitely never on a break,” Adrian agrees and I feel myself blush a little.

“Uhm,” I’ve never been good at this. When I told Rocky that I like to keep a wall up in my relationships, that was mostly because I always felt like I needed to do that to protect myself. One of the only times I didn’t I was shot into space. And even though there have never been more walls in my life, clear xenonite all around, I’ve also never felt more connected and close to two individuals. With a sudden start I realize that I don’t want to lose this. It is scary and I feel completely out of my depth but I’ve never wanted anything more in my life, I’ve never felt so content, so willing to risk it once all once more. It’s time to take a leap of faith. “Does that mean, that, maybe you’d also like to-?”

Adrian takes pity on me and catches me before my leap can carry me down too far. They once again press their claw over Rocky’s mark. “I would be honored to call you cluster mate. I already do in my hearts.”

The breath I let out sounds a little like a sob but my two friends, my cluster mates, are nice enough to ignore it. 

We sit in silence for a little bit just long enough that I can get myself back together. 

Adrian keeps stroking the scar on my arm. “I admit I have been thinking about this quite a bit.” They sound almost embarrassed and I think it’s cute. The knowledge that this has been on their mind for a while now actually makes me feel all warm and mushy inside. “I can’t copy dearest mate’s method, it would hurt dearest Grace.”

I wince. Yeah, I’m not too keen on getting branded again but I am quite surprised at myself that for a short second I’m seriously considering it as a possibility. Geez, my meter for normal human behavior is all out of whack. Even if I was actually willing to go for it, Adrian and Rocky would never allow it. We have managed to synthesize medicine for me but a brand is basically an invitation for all kinds of infections and I do not want to lose an arm even if Rocky could probably fashion me a xenonite prosthetic a la Winter Soldier. 

“We’ll find another solution,” Rocky interrupts my thoughts and settles down more firmly. I’m not going anywhere any time soon it seems. “We always do.”

They brainstorm ideas and I know I should be involved in this discussion but instead I just lay back and let their voices wash over me. Whatever they decide, I’ll be okay with it.

I feel loved. That’s enough. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

For obvious reasons I can’t attend Tori’s coming-of-age ceremony but we have our own little celebration the next day. Tori proudly shows off their new marks, everyone oohing and aaahing over them. I don’t know if their parents took Tori’s wishes into account or if they just felt that it was the right choice but four new lines now adorn their limbs, two on each limb, slashing through the biggest circles. 

“I love it,” I tell them and clap my hands three times. Tori dances on the spot but then grows very still. 

“What is that?”

They point at my arm and I feel myself grin. I push up the sleeve of my cardigan and show off my new accessory. It’s the first time I’m wearing it to class since Adrian and Rocky only brought it over yesterday. I expected it to feel cumbersome and weird but I have grown used to it very quickly. I have spent almost all morning running my fingers over it. 

The other pebbles come closer and also take a look. 

The cuff made of xenonite sits just under my scar, snug around my wrist. It is two inches wide and around the edges there is a thin border that is filled with lines like Rocky’s and oval shapes like Adrian’s, so delicate and interwoven you can barely decipher them. Most striking are the three gemstones sitting in the middle side by side. Brown for Rocky and turquoise for Adrian, framing something that looks like a pearl. It is ivory white and its counterparts now also adorn Adrian's and Rocky’s shells, right beneath their marriage stones. 

I’m not afraid to admit that I burst into tears the moment I saw that. I mean, I know that they wanted to include me in their cluster, but somehow I never even realized that would mean that I would be immortalized on their bodies as well.

Yesterday was quite overwhelming, to say the least.

There is no clasp or anything. It is just a band with no seams, no way to take it off. Rocky actually fused the ends right around my arm, making it so that I can’t take it off. It’s like one of those eternity bracelets you can get on vacation with your best friend.

Xenonite is basically unbreakable. 

It’s perfect.

Sam practically jumps against the barrier. “Finally! Honorable Adrian took much too long! Now it is a complete family crest. Happy happy happy.”

Adrian refused to tell me which of my pebbles accosted them outside my dome but I do have my suspicions and I think one of them was just validated. 

I sigh and try to sound stern. I’m grinning too much for that to work. “So it is Honorable Adrian again, is it? Just so you know, I do not appreciate you ambushing my… my cluster mate. Okay, everyone? Don’t do that again. Teacher Grace’s private life is none of your business.”

They all chirp their agreement but none of them sound as contrite as I’d like. 

“When are you meeting cluster mates’ parents?” Quinn shouts and I groan into my hand as the others immediately start to discuss appropriate gifts to bring for a first meeting.

So. This is my life right now.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.