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I didn't realize this is what she'd do when I said no.
I didn't know she'd take my place.
I don't know what I expected honestly. That she'd find someone else for us to train? That she'd waste months and lives for my cowardice?
She wouldn't have. She made it clear from the start that she would do anything to save as many lives as possible.
Maybe I thought she'd make me get on that ship anyways. Force me to be brave. Make me be a hero.
I didn't think she'd do this. I didn't think it would be her getting on the Hail Mary. I didn't think she'd leave the Petrova Task Force for me to lead but she did and I don't know why and I can't go back and change her mind and get her to stay here with me.
Why did she go?
Did she decide she couldn't bear to send me on that ship against my will? I like to think I would've forgiven her for it.
I don't want her to be gone. She didn't tell me what she'd be doing. Did she worry I'd be able to change her mind? Part of me hopes she did another part of me breaks at the thought.
Why did she have to be brave for me?
Why did she leave me here?
This wasn't supposed to happen.
We were supposed to watch the launch together and then disappear where no one would find us. Not until the world needed her again.
I want to think that had I known I would've said yes when she asked me to save the stars but I honestly don't know.
All I know is that Eva Stratt is as good as dead and I didn't even get to say goodbye.