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The aftermath of a break-up has never been easy.
In fact, it has to be harder than when the two part ways with clear intentions.
What feels clear will always be and has always been better than those left you stunned, all from a restless mind still thinking about the wrong that lies between you.
With the aftermath, it feels like you lost everything, and you need a long time to get used to that loss.
It feels empty and silent, like a daunting place waiting for someone that will never come back again.
It feels like the reminiscence of your loved one is still there, still in your mind and still in places you have ever been before.
It feels like a heart being hanged somewhere too close but also too far away, a distance that no one or nothing can ever answer.
As for Seible, it's also the same.
Maybe even worse than that.
Freo has broken up with him in that February snow, all pure white and cold to his aching heart. His eyes still remember the sight of the teal-haired man walking away, until his silhouette blended in well with the heavy snow. Seible still remembers everything both of them said, all with broken hearts and left-hanging promises.
"Why?" is all he can ever ask his Furi-chan. He thought they still had something together, he thought everything meant something to both of them, to the memories they share and to the love they carry on.
But no.
"I don't know," is all that the other man can answer, leaving Seible standing there stunned in the middle of the snow, not knowing what had gone wrong in their so-called relationship?
Even until now.
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It's been months since that day.
The day that Seible got left in that damn February snow, lost in thought about what has happened between them two.
He can't sleep, no matter how hard he's been trying to. His mind keeps thinking about that day where his Furi-chan left him in the snow, feeling lost to himself like a broken game. He keeps thinking about that night when all Freo can do is saying sorry, though his mind has already been going crazy after hearing those words coming from the other himself.
He keeps lying to himself that surely this isn't it, though he himself already knows the surreal of this tragedy. He keeps looking at the goddamn apartment door like it would be open and Furi-chan would get home soon, again and again and again like a dog waiting for its owner to be back again with treats and never-ending love.
But no.
Nothing's there.
No matter how much he's been waiting for days, weeks, or even months.
His Furi-chan has chosen to leave.
He made a choice all by himself, with his tears falling behind in Seible's mind, but his steps have already been going forward. He goes all by himself with his made-up mind and a will so strong that no one would ever break it. Not even Seible and not even the love they share.
Freo makes his choice to leave.
A choice of leaving everything behind.
All the memories and all the love they share.
Seible lies in bed as he turns around, looking at the pictures left on his walls, like haunting reminders of the missing presence shared in this apartment of his. He remembers everything, every single one that holds memories within.
He remembers that picture where he first hung out with Freo, when they were just teenagers with high hopes for the future ahead, all with a never-ending passion for dear music. They met each other at a music club, talking to each other and getting along better than expected. Then, they hung out more at the tokbokki place near the riverside, eating and talking about music and futures just like any teenager with high passion would do.
He remembers that picture of them taken in their music club, all with smiling faces and delicate touches, afraid of ruining something too precious between them both. It was so cheerful and endearing that when they moved in together, Freo quickly accepted Seible's request to hang it on the wall, making it their place to save their precious memories.
He remembers the picture of them by the park with their friends, having a picnic in February spring, and the love confession came shortly after, bringing the brunet to tears from such happiness. That was when their love finally bloomed like flowers on the grass and like the fireworks in the sky, marking a new chapter in their life.
He remembers the picture of their cats lying together, marking their first time moving in to live together, with Seible helping Freo to bring his stuff in and make his apartment look liveable for two. All the cups, the decorations, the books and shelves make his place look more like a place for someone to live in, not just a place of luxury.
And now?
Those pictures are the cruelest, most brutal reminder of all.
That it never feels the same.
It has never felt the same since the presence of the other one, the one that shared this space with him, has now gone.
Because now?
"I'm sorry, Swablu."
He still remembers that goddamn beautiful sunset-colored eyes looking at him with such sadness, something that shouldn't have been there, coming from the other man himself. Freo looks at him in the snow, his face red from the cold and his hands shivering. Yet, his words cut sharper than any piercing cold he felt, leaving him with a wounded heart that doesn't know where to begin.
"Let's break up."
Such words cut deeper than anything, deeper than anything that has pulled Seible down so far in his tragic life. It feels like his mind is being drowned, while his heart is being chopped into shattered pieces, the one that you can never fix no matter how much you've been trying to.
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"What…?"
Why would Freo leave him hanging like that? What has gone so wrong in the relationship between the two of them? Seible never gets it why they got to be here, all with empty heads and hearts that are colder than anyone else.
They are supposed to be together forever.
They are supposed to be lovers until eternity, that same couple that has always loved with passion and everyone has strived to be. Not them being separated into two places and two different hearts, now becoming and creating their own self?
Seible doesn't have that self without Furi-chan.
And Seible doesn't know how he can do this without the other on his side, without the other's presence to cheer him up when his days are rough or too much. The words are still there in the back of his mind, of the silhouette still waiting there for someone who can never come back once again. What words has he said wrong, leading them to where they are right now? What has he done to be here, to be alone in the shadows and to be all by himself in this supposedly shared apartment?
What can he do without Furi-chan?
He doesn't know how to do this without his Furi-chan.
He's lying in bed, clearly losing sleep as the memories rush back in like a seemingly endless tornado again and again. Because every time he closes his eyes, his mind will always wander back towards that very same place he stands underneath the street light, in the cold that devoured him as a whole. Because every time Seible closes his eyes, he will always think about the sight of his dear, his most beloved Furi-chan of all.
The aftermath of a break-up sure is hard.
"Please come back, Furi-chan…"
And Seible doesn't know how to do this without the help of his most cherished of all. He doesn't know what to believe in, or how to make his heart stop aching for something that has already lost its way. Seible doesn't know if his life can still go on without the love itself, without the one who is there to support him through his ups and downs, through places he has never been and places he has already been.
It hurts.
It truly does.
And Seible's soul would always be trapped under that damn February snow. The night when it changes everything in his life, the sight of someone that lost and never comes back to him no matter how much he wants to.
He can never move on.
Not now.
Not ever.
The February of tragedy.
Of the snowstorm that never ends.
Of the unfinished promises of love.
Of the ones that lost and never come back.
Never again.