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The referee‘s whistle was loud and harsh.
They had lost.
They had disappointed their fans.
No.
Jude had disappointed the fans.
Even though England had been leading the whole time by one goal, Argentina managed to score twice in the last 10 minutes. If he had just scored one more goal, then maybe they would have had a chance.
He sank down onto the pitch, burying his face in his arms so no one would see the tears which were slowly falling from his eyes.
“God, this is so embarrassing” he murmured, more to himself than to anyone else. He was pretty sure no one had heard him anyway, because the other players were either celebrating their victory or consoling the others by telling them empty words like “You played well” or “It’s not your fault”
Well, obviously they hadn’t played well, because if they had, they would have won.
But they didn’t.
And that was the harsh reality they all needed to accept.
The only problem is, Jude couldn’t.
There were too many moments where he could have done something differently.
What if he had run faster?
What if he had caught the ball?
What if he had made a better pass?
What if…?
All those What-if’s swirled around in his head, driving him mad.
Mad that they had lost.
But it also made him angry that he was crying over a loss while other players were already giving interviews and managing to smile for the cameras.
He wished he were like them.
But he wasn’t.
Pretending to be happy and smiling for the fans wasn’t as easy as it sounds. Not after such a loss at an important match.
Some people find it easy. Like Erling.
But for him it wasn’t.
He still wondered how Erling was able to give such a good interview and even praise Jude for the two goals he scored against him after they had lost an important match.
Just thinking about Erling made him feel a little better.
Erling had stayed longer at the hotel after Norway had been knocked out by England so he could watch the match and spend a few more days with him. And Jude was glad about that, because nowadays they barely see each other since they both left Dortmund.
A voice pulled him out of his thoughts, asking if he was okay.
He didn’t need to look up to know that this voice belonged to his captain, Harry Kane.
No, he wasn’t okay.
But he also didn’t have the strength to talk to anyone.
Instead of answering Jude simply nodded after swiping his tears away.
He looked up to see Harry, who held out his hand to help him on his feet. Once he was standing again, they headed towards the changing room, not wanting to give anyone interviews about what could have gone different.
He slowly stripped off his kit and put comfortable clothes on while the rest of the team talked about the match, but he wasn’t listening.
He couldn’t.
His thoughts drifted back to every mistake he had made.
All he wanted was to go home, curl up beneath the blankets and sleep.
After arriving at the hotel, he went straight to his room instead of celebrating with the rest of the team.
He felt like they wouldn’t want him there anyway after the way he had messed up at the match a few hours ago.
The door creaked softly as he pushed it open.
He was walking towards the bed when his phone suddenly rang. Even though he didn’t want to see who was calling, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the screen.
It was Erling.
He was probably worried about him and just wanted to check on him, but Jude wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. By the time he had decided whether to answer the call or not, the vibration had already stopped.
Jude felt guilty about not letting him know how he was doing, but he couldn’t answer the phone.
He was just too exhausted.
The bed squeaked under his weight as he lay down and rolled onto his side, trying to get comfortable.
The moment he closed his eyes, memories of the match came flooding back.
The disappointed expression on the faces of his teammates.
The fans.
He had let them all down.
Once again, he was pulled out of his thoughts by a knock on the door.
Maybe whoever it was would realize that he wasn’t in the mood for a conversation right now if he didn’t answer.
Or maybe they would think he wasn’t even in his room.
But sadly his wish didn’t come true when the person knocked again.
This time more urgently.
With a heavy groan he stood up and walked towards the door.
He wrapped his hand around the door handle and pulled it open, only to find Erling leaning against the door frame with a worried expression.
He wore grey sweatpants and a casual black sweater while his hair was loose, falling down onto his shoulders.
There he was.
Whether he was happy to see him or not was something he would decide later.
“Hey,” Erling said, his voice full of concern.
Jude stared at him. Couldn’t get a single word out.
“Can I come in?” He asked but didn’t wait for a response. Instead, he pushed the door open a little wider and slipped into Jude’s room.
“What are you doing here?” Jude simply said. He wasn’t capable of saying more because his throat felt tight.
Erling was walking towards the bed while keeping eye contact with Jude. His eyes were already glossy with unshed tears.
He already knew that Jude can’t deal with losses. He never could.
Not in Germany and not now.
Especially not when it’s about an important match.
He sat down on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to him as a request to sit beside him.
“You were ignoring my call, and I was worried.” Erling responded while Jude sat down next to him, looking down so he could avoid eye contact because he knew that if he looked Erling in the eyes, he would start crying.
He tried to find his gaze but Jude looked away, embarrassed by the tears in his eyes.
Normally Jude wasn’t that emotional but on some days he just couldn’t control his emotions. And Erling knew that.
That‘s why he was here. Trying to comfort Jude.
He noticed how Jude fidgeted with his fingers, so he took Jude’s hand in his and looked at him softly.
“You wanna talk about it?” He asked Jude, but instead of answering, he just shook his head, still looking down on his hands while he felt his eyes tearing even more until a single tear dropped from his eyes.
Jude was quick to swipe it away, but it was useless because the next tears were already rolling down his cheeks, leaving hot marks.
Instead of swiping them away again, he let them drop on his shirt. He couldn’t care less about Erling seeing him cry or what he might think of him.
Erling just pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around him, resting one hand on the back of his head while the other one rested on his waist. Jude buried his head in Erling‘s sweater while his arms were wrapped around Erlings neck and his finger were holding onto the collar of his shirt.
Erling allowed him to sob into his chest as long as he needed to calm him down. Only whispering consoling words in his ears sometimes.
After several minutes, Jude's cries began to fade, and he settled down.
They stayed in that position a little bit longer until Erling lifted his hand to wipe away Jude’s last tears.
“Do you feel better?” He mumbled softly in his hair.
He didn’t expect an answer, only a nod or something else. That’s why he was surprised when he heard a quiet yes whispered into his chest.
Erling pulled him into his lap, so Jude was sitting on top of him while lifting his head up trying to lock their eyes. Jude starred at him. His hands were still on Erling‘s neck.
The hand which was resting on Jude’s was now resting on his other cheek, slowly stroking up and down trying to comfort him.
Their faces were so close that they could feel each other’s breath on their skin.
Jude couldn’t help but let his eyes wander to the lips from the other man.
Noticing that, Erling’s heart stopped for a second.
He never thought that there might be a chance that Jude also had feelings for him like Erling had for Jude.
Since they played together in Germany he always thought of wanting more than just a normal friendship with Jude. He knew he needed to take this chance.
When Jude didn’t pull away he took this chance.
“Can I?” He asked, his gaze flickering down to Jude’s lips.
Jude gave him a small nod.
and
That was all the answer Erking needed.
He tilted his head slightly to the side. Jude leaned in to meet his lips halfway.
It was a soft kiss.
A kiss with filled with every emotion they hadn’t shown each other since Dortmund.
Jude’s hand slipped from his neck into his hair, gently holding him in place.
After a few seconds they pulled away, catching their breath and smiling at each other.
There were so many words that had been left unsaid and now it was finally the time so unpack them.
“I love you Jude,” Erling confessed shyly, still keeping the eye contact.
Judes eyes widened.
“I love you too,” Jude whispered before leaning down once again to meet Erling’s lips with his.