Chapter Text
Ron Weasley doesn't care about appearance. He's a Weasley, surrounded by an entire family who look exactly like him with the same soft blue eyes and bright red hair.
Actually, he really couldn't imagine caring about what he looked like.
He distinctly remembers overhearing Ginny crying to mum about what she looked like a couple years back. Ron was stuck at home with mum and his baby sister. He was wondering about the house when he heard it.
Loud, heartbreaking sobs. It made even him feel a little bad for Ginny. He felt awkward listening in on the emotional scene. All he heard was Ginny declaring she was "hideous," as her classmates had stated.
It confused Ron. He'd never put any thought into ugliness or handsomeness or applied any standards to himself. That was the first time Ronald had thought about what it meant to be ugly. It was simple. The definition he came up with was that old people were ugly and fat people were ugly. Ron was neither of those, so he never did bother with feeling insecure.
Finally, Ron was off to Hogwarts. An entire new place where he didn't have to permanently be the annoying little brother or lazy older brother. He didn't only have his family to talk to, he made friends, amazing ones at that.
Harry and Hermione quickly became two of the most important people in Ronald's life. They were a perfect trio, each fitting with each other like three puzzle pieces that immediately clicked together.
It was only during his fourth year at Hogwarts that Ron put more than a passing thought into what he looked like.
The other wizarding schools were staying at Hogwarts for the Triwizard Tournament. This included Durmstrang which meant Viktor Krum was coming to Hogwarts!
Ron stayed up late, thinking of every possible way he could meet Viktor and seem cool and laidback. Maybe Krum could be his friend? But... Krum is disgustingly good-looking. And Ron is... well, Ron!
He casts a spell to muffle every noise coming from his four-poster bed and transforms the clock on his nightstand into a reflective sheet.
"Lumos." he throws a spell to see how he looked.
Ron looks into the mirror, and what he sees suddenly seems very... lacking.
He had boring blue eyes and the signature Weasley red hair.
The longer he stared, the more his entire face seemed to morph into one of a troll.
The troll had a slight double chin, even with good posture. It had unkempt hair and messy-looking stubble.
His heart picked up. No, no that wasn't him. Ron Weasley wasn't ugly. Ron Weasley wasn't - fat. The boy in the mirror is fucking huge and hideous.
Is this what had Ginny felt?
He transforms the sheet back into a clock and throws it onto a pile of laundry beside his bed. He sinks his teeth into what he now realised was a soft and chubby finger.
He hears Harry's blanket shifting as he rolls in his sleep, and finally goes to sleep with the worst thoughts he'd had in his life.
The next day, he wakes up late as usual. He can see the other boys getting dressed and almost stays in bed until he remembers - fit people don't stay in bed doing nothing.
He jumps up too quickly and shuts his bleary eyes as he finds quickly that everything looks a bit blurry when he forces himself out of bed.
"Y'alright, Ron?" Harry asks with too much life in his voice, "Careful, you'll be needing glasses like mine soon,"
Ron laughs, "piss off. I'd rather die than wear those things."
He thinks a lot about last night. The realisation that maybe he isn't as average-looking as he thought, rather that he's below average.
He slips off his sleep shirt and stares at his stomach.
Did it always stick out like that? Has he really let himself go?
He pulls on his shirt, jumper and then his robes. He's feeling quite miserable. Is this really what girls go through when they say they're insecure?
He must be the only boy to think like this. A Weasley shouldn't feel like this. His entire family has struggled for food his entire life. He's lucky to even eat, he shouldn't try to control himself.
He's already had years of watching his parents' plates be smaller than all of his siblings and so he knew the value of a good meal. But maybe he's been so caught up in Hogwarts' unlimited food at mealtimes that he’s forgotten to control himself.
"Ron, you coming?"
He nods and follows Harry as they make their way into the great hall. They spot Hermione sitting down at the Gryffindor table beside two empty seats she’s saved for him and Harry.
He sits down and looks down at his thighs. They don't look too huge. He looks to the side at Harry's thighs and Ron's chest immediately aches with envy.
They're tiny. Wait, no, Ron's so insensitive for thinking that. Harry's been starved for most of his life with the neglectful Dursleys. That must be why they're so tiny.
But even Hermione's legs look like sticks compared to Ronald's. She's always too busy studying to sit down for the entire duration of supper most nights.
Ron always stays until the bell goes off. Expected of me, he thinks.
"Ron, I'm surprised you're not scoffing down ten different chicken legs at once right now!" Hermione jokes.
Harry laughs. Hermione laughs.
Ron feels like his chest is being squeezed, sadness crawling up his spine and seizing his heart.
Still, he presumes what his designated role as the greedy funny friend.
He lets out a laugh of his own, hoping it sounds normal.
Last week, he wouldn't even bat an eye at such a joke. He knew he lacked table manners and a normal appetite but it never bothered him. Mum always said it was because he's a growing boy, but Ron's not grown an inch this entire year.
"Ron, look!" Hermione points to the middle of the great hall where other schools' students are passing by "Isn't that your crush? Viktor Krum?"
He scoffs defensively, "he's not my crush!"
"Oh right, he's only "the best player ever!"' Harry mocks Ron's past words.
Harry and Hermione continue talking about classes, the Triwizard Tournament and joke around. They don't realise Ron's being a bit quieter than usual.
He's thinking about what Viktor would think of him. I mean, he now knows he's ugly. Perhaps Viktor is kind enough to talk to ugly people? Surely not, he's too handsome for that.
Ron officially knows he fits his own criteria of what he thinks ugly means: he's fat. He needs to lose weight.
He has to work out a few things first. Like his average daily calorie intake, how much he weighs and he needs to take measurements of his body because if he's going to lose weight, he wants to know that he is.
He can already taste it. The sweet feeling of fat melting off from his waist, thighs, hips, stomach. He'll feel normal again, it'll go back to what it was before. When he felt like a normal, average-looking boy. Not feeling like the ugly troll he is today.
He walks to his first class of the day, his thoughts consumed by his success in avoiding eating breakfast and the calories he was working off by walking. It was progress, no matter how small.
Unfortunately, Divination was still a mandatory subject in fourth year.
Ron wasn't the best student at school, usually scraping by with barely passing scores but he still liked Divination. He sat beside his two best friends and got to make fun of the loony teacher they had and he didn't have to worry about how well he was doing in this class because nobody else had a clue about what they were learning.
He sits down, Hermione on his left and Harry on hers.
Professor Trelawney suddenly pops up at her desk like magic. It's stopped startling people because of how often she does it.
She begins her usual spiel about astronomy and Ron begins to find himself thinking the strangest thoughts.
Does Professor Trelawney ever feel fat? Does she ever feel ugly? He begins to think that she looks infinitely better than him when once, he would make fun of her obnoxious magnifying glasses and insane facial expressions.
Even she's more attractive than Ronald at the moment. Victor Krum would never speak to him with his looks. He'll only be at Hogwarts this year, so Ron's going to have to look better quickly.
He traces his plans into the table with his finger. Because he has so little time, he's going to have to be extreme.
He doesn't deserve a full meal like he used to always eat. There are so many skinny people who deserve the food more because they're thin. Because they're good-looking.
Ron's day is uneventful. Nobody sees anything wrong with him and nobody points anything out.
Even when he's silent when usually he’d be taking the mick out of Professor Snape. He’s too busy thinking about how to avoid food the most effectively.
Lunchtime rolls around, and so does Ron's excuse.
Except, he never has to use it. Harry and Hermione don't even look for him when he goes up to his room.
He goes to the rest of the lessons of that day. Not eating feels incredibly easy. For now.
This cycle continues for a few weeks. He's recently dared to measure himself again and notes that he's lost a couple of inches off his waist, which means it's working. He's not all too sure about the ins and outs of weight loss, but he's not dense enough to not know that that was a large amount to lose.
Ron decides to transform his clock back into that cursed reflective sheet. He has to see the progress for himself.
Except.. oh. There is no progress. He looks just as well-fed as he did before, even though he's been surviving off what were basically crumbs at mealtimes!
How could this have happened?
Logically, he knows that yes, he's lost a substantial amount of weight. Although he thought he was fat to start with, he knew he wasn't obese. Losing the amount he did should've at least made him thin now.
He's lost the inches off his stomach and thighs. But he’s staring back at the same greedy Ron.
His chest quickly feels like it's been sunken underground and trampled on.
He didn't have any classes today. It was supposed to be a day for studying, but Ron took it as a break.
He left his room, physically feeling the looser fit of his clothes but not casting any spells to fix it. He knows he's not done enough, but he still wants to feel the progress he's made.
It's hard to remember what his life was like before. Before all he could think about when doing anything was his jiggling arm fat or his ugly double chin.
His body was filled with fat. Ugly, hideous fat. Fat he can't get rid of.
He walks until his feet feel like they're gonna fall off and run away from the exercise he's putting them through. He eventually makes his way outside, circling the grassy lands in front of Hogwarts until he sees... sees them.
Hermione and Krum. Laughing. Together. How? How could this have happened?! Hermione knows, she knows what Victor Krum means to Ron!
And... and Hermione was his. His crush. He's made Hermione laugh way harder than that boy ever could!
Except... Ron's not been making anybody laugh recently. He's been miserable, too caught up in his own thoughts to make a funny joke or point out something silly. Fuck. He's lost Hermione.
Maybe if he wasn't so ugly...
Viktor Krum is a beautiful man. He's tall, taller than Ron, thin and has thick dark hair and eyes.
He's nothing like Ron.
Hermione is beautiful. She was perfect. Bossy, not afraid to speak out and had pretty brown hair. She was always pretty to Ron.
This Viktor Krum doesn't even know her! He doesn't know about the large front teeth she used to have, or the late nights he and Hermione spent talking about the inequality of the wizarding world - well, she did most of the talking - he didn’t know her!
His chest that felt like it was sinking now felt like it was being crushed by the heaviest anvil created. His lungs were being wrung out, leaving him only able to take shallow breaths. He turns right back around into Hogwarts and finds a dark hallway to immediately break down in.
He lets out a defeated breath and slides down the wall, head between his knees. He tries to regulate his angered breaths.
He feels like a true troll right now. He doesn't fit anywhere, he's big and he's really fucking ugly.
He hears firm footsteps approach where he's currently sitting and doesn't even have the mind to collect himself because he physically can't.
He doesn't even care who's there! Let them fucking watch him be pathetic.
His fingers dig into his arms, leaving bloody crescents under his robe's sleeves.
"Weasley?" a smug voice practically accuses.
That was Malfoy's voice.
"Merlin, you're looking thin. Daddy doesn't make enough money at the Ministry to feed you?"
Ron knows it's supposed to be an insult. He should be angry, Malfoy's just insulted his family. But it makes him fucking ecstatic. His earlier panic is almost immediately forgotten about what forms in its place is giddy, ill-placed excitement.
He's looking thinner!
He finally finds the right words to bite back at Malfoy. Just because Draco's validated him doesn't mean he's right, or that Ron should be grateful.
"Piss off, Malfoy," except his voice wavers. Clearly his body hasn't forgotten the panic he's just been through.
"Gonna cry are you, Weasley?"
"Leave me alone,' he looks up at Malfoy.
He must look pretty fucking horrible because Malfoy is speechless for a few seconds. Malfoy's will to fight has clearly left him.
“Hah, you've gotten yourself ill. Where's your little Potter boyfriend? Shouldn't he be making you a soup as you stay in bed?"
"I'm not ill,"
"Try telling that to anybody else. Seriously, where is your stupid group? Because..."
"Cause what, Malfoy?"
"Just... cause. Don't go attention-seeking in any other hallways, Weasley. Or I might really pick a fight with you."
And with that, Draco turns on his heel and leaves.
Ron's spirits are officially lifted. He allows himself to smile. I mean, who cares about Krum if he's finally lost weight? He doesn't care about Krum anymore. He's just looking out for himself and looking the best he can.
He sits there for another few moments until he decides he's had enough time outside his dorm and returns to his room.
After the long walk back to the Gryffindor boys' dorms, he swings open the door.
Neville, Dean and Seamus all go silent and turn their heads to Ron. Almost as if they'd been talking about him.
"Hi," Ron finally says as he begins to take off his outer robe and shoes and socks.
“…Hello," Seamus replies.
Ron isn't completely oblivious. He can feel the stares on his back as he's left in his baggy jumper and trousers only.
"Your clothes have gotten bigger. Need me to shrink them, Ronny?" Dean asks humorously.
Ron snorts, "I don't need you to do anything, thanks, Dean. And don't call me that,"
"Seriously though, I thought your clothes were hand-me-downs. Shouldn't they be small on you? They're concerningly... loose-fitting," Seamus points out.
Now Ron's becoming a little suspicious. It's almost as if they're prodding at Ron to get him to say something they want to hear. Maybe they really were talking about him.
"They're fine. My brother is just a little taller so they're baggy on me."
Ron slips off his jumper next, and then his undershirt. He hears a gasp and can feel an almost silent bubble enclose around the room.
He turns around, an eyebrow raised in question.
"Err, Ron. Ron, your back," Neville points out nervously - or worriedly?
"My back. Yes, what seems to be the matter with it?"
"It's erm... are you ill?"
"No, I'm not ill,"
"We can see your shoulder blades, Ron," Dean says, his face relaxed but eyebrows pinched in confusion.
"Yeah, well, surprise! I have bones,"
"No, you don't get it. They're sticking out. That's not normal,"
"I'm just naturally skinny"
"No." Neville suddenly counters him seriously.
“Whassat s'posed to mean?"
"No, you're not naturally skinny. Well, you are, but not like this,"
"Yeah. Nothing about that is natural," Seamus continues.
Ron huffs out an annoyed breath.
"Ron, we've... err... we've noticed you're not eating." Neville says matter-of-factly.
Ron stares at each boy in turn before he turns right back around, sits on his bed and pulls the curtains around it so nobody can see inside. He feels abnormally angry at them all.
It doesn’t feel as good to be worried about by some of his friends as it did for Malfoy to point out his significant weight loss.
He's nowhere near handsome. They don't have the right to interfere until Ron’s reached his goal.
He feels so exhausted that he passes out as soon as he strips the rest of the way which is odd. He's only been on a walk today. Is that all he has energy for now?
It's a necessary repercussion to him. He loses weight, becomes prettier and in turn loses his ability to do anything he could’ve done before. He sleeps with memories of a carefree Ron replaying in his mind.
He comes to with Harry's face leaning right over his.
Ron yelps, glad his blanket is covering what is necessary.
Harry reaches out a hand and touches Ron's throat, then his collarbone, then his sternum. Harry's face is hard-set and his mouth is in a firm line.
"Malfoy told me you were sick,"
"Hnghh, what? Malfoy?"
"Yes. You look really ill, Ron," Harry says worriedly.
You would've noticed if you checked up more, Ron thought scornfully.
"Ron, the Triwizard Tournament was cancelled,"
This stops Ron's brain for a moment. They were cancelled?
He doesn't even remember when it was supposed to start. He tries to recall why it was cancelled but it makes his head throb so he ceases his attempts.
"I don't..." Ron begins.
"You don't remember?" Harry finishes, "I know you wouldn't,"
"Huh? What does that mean?"
"It means, you've been ill for a while. Is it a stomach bug?"
"Erm..."
"Even then, I can't expect you to have been so sick as to not remember..."
Ron rubs his eyes, confused and sleepy.
"Tell me about it. The tournament, why it was cancelled."
Harry nods, crawling beside Ron on his bed and retelling the events of the past few weeks. Ron feels weird. How could he have missed something so important? He was too absorbed in himself.
It's when Harry begins to explain how he was mistakenly chosen as a candidate and that’s what lead to the school realising it had been tampered with in the Dark Lord’s favour that Ron realises he's too exhausted to listen to anything else.
Sleep reclaims him, Harry's sweet voice is the only thing he can pay attention to.
He doesn't think about his weight. Not now, not this morning.