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Dave sat on top of one of the many stonehenge-y looking rock formations, his friends gathered below. Karkat groaned. "Strider, what in the name of shit did you gather us here for?" Dave merely held up a stack of papers, colored with crayons, and stapled together. "I wrote a book. Story time, children."
After much groaning, the small crowd grew quiet, and Dave began to read.
Once upon a time, in a poorly drawn forest, there lived a dope ass little boy named Little Red Striding Hood. Little Red Striding Hood lived with his mildly alcoholic sister who liked to psychoanalyze people against their will.
One day, Little Red Striding Hood's sister told him that their grandmother was very, very ill. She had been diagnosed with a condition called "Being Old As Balls." It was tragic as shit, so she wanted Little Red to take her a basket of random crap to make her feel like less of a gross hag.
So Little Red was like "Okay that's a tight plan" and he went off into the scary ass forest despite the fact that he was a small child, but hey, that's what you get when your sister is either drunk off her ass or hungover like 24/7.
Little Red Striding Hood was walking along, working on his raps when he heard rustling in the bushes. So, like all good little kids, he pulled out his katana, ready to beat the shit out of whatever was gonna come at him.
An angry furry blocked his path. So Lil Red was like "Yo I need to get through here" but the furry was like "Nah bro not unless you give me that basket, bark bark bark." So Lil Red was like "Sorry dog chick but this is for my grandma, she's Old as Balls." Dog chick gave her condolences, but she still wanted the basket.
"The fuck would a furry even want with this basket, it's all old lady junk" Little Red wondered to himself. Suddenly dog chick attacked him like a damn wolverine or some shit. Actually probably more like a wild dog but whatever. He kicked ass with his sword usually but carrying the basket was slowing him down.
He only managed to scare off the wild furry instead of killing it. He was chill with that though, because he was a chill dude and he was also pretty sure that furries are endangered. Government would probably be on his ass if he killed one, those things are majestic as fuck.
Anyway so Little Red Striding Hood finally made it to his granny's house and found her in her room, apparently bedridden due to her illness. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning when you're Old as Balls. Something was off though.
"Yo granny" Lil Red said, "What dorky bucked teeth you have." Granny said, "My dentures are a little fucked up, so sue me."
"Damn Granny what unsightly doggy ear-shaped growths you have sticking out of your skull," Lil Red noted using his insane powers of observation. Granny said, "It's called fashion, look it up."
"Granny, let's just cut to the chase here, I fucking know you're that furry from the forest earlier," Lil Red said. "God damn," said the dog chick, "I really thought I had you but I guess you're just too rad" Little Red Striding Hood was, in fact, just too rad for that bullshit.
There was a big ninja fight scene that was really cool, and soon Little Red Striding Hood had the dog chick cornered. "Where's real granny?" He asked in the most badass way possible. "Damn son I have chills" the furry admitted "Shes in the closet"
Little Red looked in the closet and saw his granny all tied up only it wasnt granny, it was just his bro in an old lady nightie. "What the fuck bro?" Lil Red had to ask. His bro responded, "For the ironies, bro." All was understood.
"But whyd you need the basket bro, youre old but youre not Old as Balls" Little Red asked. His bro opened the basket and dumped it on the floor. Like fifty fucking plush rumps fell out of there and coated the carpet, squeaking like dog toys.
Dog chick flipped her shit. Lil Red finally understood what she was after.
So that night Little Red Striding Hood went home and had a cool glass of aj to finish off his day of ironic adventures.
Karkat glared. "That was the shittiest thing I have ever heard."