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Tonight, well… It was the first night, the first time she had ever lived on her own. Cold, empty, barely anything set up. Still a few days until she would go to school for the first time, still a few after her surgery.
It was recognizably lonely, which wasn’t something new to her, but still something she desperately wished wasn’t true. To have someone, anyone, with her would be the greatest thing in the world to that poor girl.
Dark hair, contrasted by her bright red glasses - her most prized possession. Covered only by purple pyjamas that barely fit her anymore.
She lay still in her bed, worn out and with springs that didn’t go down properly, and tried - tried so desperately - to fall asleep. It took her so long to set everything up today, and yet even now she refuses to rest.
It made sense why. She was alone, utterly and completely. Not just emotionally - which was sure to change after she started going to school - but physically speaking, she was alone too.
It wasn’t like that back in the church she grew up in, nor was it the same in that hospital room she became so familiar with. Today, she was entirely alone.
She was used to it, of course; she had experienced loneliness for so, so long. It wasn’t a surprise to her, not anymore.
In some sense, it was her only friend.
She really hoped it wouldn’t stay that way.
Was it today? Or is it already tomorrow? Homura thought to herself, unsure of just how it even was now. Maybe that was okay.
Because soon, not now, not tomorrow - but very soon nonetheless, she would have a chance to not be alone.
She would make friends; she knew she would - she was sure of it, mostly. And she would have a chance to be happy around them, always.
She should’ve known that it would be lonely, just for the next few nights - because soon, she would never be alone again.
Having friends would be a dream come true for her, something she wished and had wished for, for so long. It was soon to be in reach, very soon. Incredibly so. She would see it. Everything was coming up roses for her. She just knew that was true.
It had to be, because if it wasn’t…
No, no… I’m happy. And I will be happy when I have my friends. She thought to herself. Desperate. She needed it to be true.
She had so many plans, so much she wanted, fundamentally needed, to do with those she could call friends. Those whom she could care so much about. Those she could, and would, be able to share happiness with.
She should’ve known by now what friendship would be like, but love just didn’t go her way. Not yet. But now, it was sure to change.
Still, she had one way - just one - to try and make sure of that.
Her hands clasped each other. Palms upon palms. And so she began.
She prayed, she prayed so that she would get - so that she would find a friend she could truly care for. Someone who could, who would, care for her back in the exact same way.
Please, god. Please let me find, let me make, a good friend. Someone that would care about me, as much as I would care about them. Please.
It was a little bit later. Still before she knew what hell was, and what waited for those who signed the devil’s deal. A mistake she would need to make in a few weeks’ time.
Still, her worry wasn’t on herself becoming a Magical Girl. Not yet, not right now. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, be worried about herself. Not when Madoka was injured.
She said she would walk it off; she said that it didn’t really matter. That it would heal, and that she would be fine. Homura didn’t want to believe that. Because she knew it wasn’t true; it wouldn’t have ever been true. With a cut that deep and long - she was saving face for Homura. That had to be true.
To think, to know, that she would go through this every day. That it was her duty as a Magical Girl to fight the evil of this world - Witches - and to know that they could injure her like that…
Red pouring down, arm sliced halfway from the elbow up to the wrist. Only stopped by chance, and yet the skin was still flayed and rough outside. It looked almost white dangling out. And yet… Madoka just continued to fight.
It was mesmerising; it was beautiful in a way Homura would not yet understand. She couldn’t appreciate it. And most of all…
It was dangerous, incredibly so. Even if it was going to heal, slowly, to fight on with something like that happening to her arm…
Homura couldn’t believe it. She wouldn’t believe it. Believe that it was okay for her to just shrug it off and keep on living.
It’s not like she had the power to do anything about it, but that still didn’t make it an attractive prospect. She was weak, and frail, and needed to be protected.
If she didn’t, maybe Madoka’s arm wouldn’t have been injured.
The night was late, old and brittle; she should’ve been asleep. Yet her mind was still too occupied by today's events to ever dream of doing such. It’s not like she had all that much in her kitchen, just a few things.
Just enough so that she could make something to drink. Her choice, as always, being a hot chocolate. Something easy that she could actually make for herself. It tastes good too, which is important.
It was done now, ready to drink. Still, she had something else that she needed to do first. She would pray, yet again; this time, she would pray for Madoka’s safety.
Hands clasped, elbows on her kitchen counter.
Please, god. Please let Kaname-san be careful, and please let her survive. She’s my only friend, so please. Please don’t let her die.
Not so alone, yet so, so far away from where she needed to be. The 11th time now, still getting used to everything. Still far away from seeing her beloved happy.
She knew now how she felt about her; she also knew that life wasn’t one she’d ever be likely to live. Not like it mattered, not like it ever really could as long as she continued to fail. Day by day, never ever seeing the sunlight of May.
Sayaka was in the hospital - locked out of consciousness; she was comatose. Injured before she could even contract. Unlikely to ever wake up. Doctors told Madoka earlier today, in fact.
Madoka was worried by all hell because of it. Even before today. Staying by her side every hour she could, 7 days a week. Barely knowing Homura because of it.
At least it made sure she wouldn’t contract. Even if this was the first time she couldn’t truly say that Madoka knew her as a friend. That could change by the end, as it did for a few of the other ones. Homura hoped that it wouldn’t.
It was safer for her to keep her distance. Even if she always seemed so sad like this, it was the only way for her to survive. A Madoka that was saved but wasn’t happy with life was always preferable to the opposite.
Homura couldn’t deal with knowing that Madoka had died, again, because of her own failures. She couldn’t, not again.
So if Madoka was alive, and just alive, that would be okay with her. Not preferable, obviously not. What she wanted…
It was highly unlikely that she’d ever get a chance to date Madoka Kaname, even after this was over. It was also highly likely that her doing so would put Madoka in danger, either through physical proximity or inspiration.
Both of which Homura would not allow to infect her beloved.
Her own happiness, her own desire… both didn’t matter if they impeded protecting Madoka. Madoka mattered, more than anything and anyone ever could.
If she had to suffer being alone so that Madoka could always smile, she would make that trade in a heartbeat.
Mami was alive, still. Kyouko wasn’t here yet. Still early on in this loop. This one she would need to be the last. Beyond any and all reason or desire. If it could end now… Maybe she could still forgive herself for all of her failures.
Maybe she didn’t deserve to.
She could think about this later.
“You didn’t need to buy me this. Not that I wasn’t hungry, just-” It was her, the one that Homura did all of this for. Her very best friend.
“Please. You need to eat. When was the last time you ate something, Kaname Madoka?”
She stayed there, by Sayaka’s side, all night. Only being called back home 30 minutes ago by her Papa. Worried sick about her, he asked her to ride the last bus home. She told him that she had a friend that could walk her back. Someone strong enough to protect her.
He agreed to it.
And so Homura tried to walk her back. Leading to them going into this fast food joint so that Homura could buy her something. Just about anything would’ve worked, as long as she ate.
Homura could take her back quickly after that. After she finished, Homura could go home and try to rest for the first time in a while. Just for a little bit.
“I had a big breakfast.” Madoka sheepishly replied. Ashamed that she would have someone else pay for food she herself could’ve bought.
Not like Homura would’ve ever let her say no.
“Please. It doesn’t cost me anything. So just eat, okay?” Homura said as the two walked out of the building. Ready to make their way to Madoka’s home.
Madoka stood still, causing Homura to turn around. She knew now what was going to happen next.
“It’s just a ten-minute walk; I’ll take this if you let me go on my own”. Madoka smiled at her, the first real smile Homura had seen in a long time. A long, long time.
“No.” Her response was swift.
“Please, Homura-chan.” A name Homura hadn’t been called at all in weeks. Alone enough to get her guard down. “I’d really like to walk on my own, so you can go home now. I know you want to protect me, but I’m not going to make a contract, so you don’t need to worry”.
“I don’t think-” Homura tried to speak, tried to continue. Madoka just gave her a hug.
“It will be okay, Homura-chan. We are friends, right?”
“We are…” It seemed almost impossible to hear this Madoka now say it to her, and yet she just did.
“So you can trust me, right? I’m not making a mistake. So please let me go home by myself.”
It was an offer she shouldn’t have accepted. Something so stupid, so beyond reason, that any version of her after today would rather shoot themselves than make the same type of mistake willingly.
She shouldn’t have ever, in a million years, decided to say yes.
And yet, Homura did. Justifying it to herself as being the easiest way to get Madoka to eat. Justifying her own carelessness. Her own stupidity. All because Madoka was nice to her, all because, again, Madoka gave her a sliver of kindness.
And so she made her way back home. To her own cosy bed. Away from any danger that could envelop her. Away from anything that could’ve been a problem for her.
And there she clasped her hands together again. And so she prayed again.
Please, god, please let this be the final timeline. Please let this time be the time I save her, while I still have a friendship with her. Please.
Madoka’s body was found a few hours later. Early on the morning of the 15th of April.
Homura never knew if she died from a Witch, or something else.
She would never let herself make a mistake like this again.
Her home was cold. As it always tended to be. Not like she cared at all to change it. There wasn’t a reason to, since she was barely home anyway.
Go to school, hunt wraiths, go home and sleep.
Over and over, over and over and over. Every day, over and over. It was all that she was capable of doing. Ever since that day, she held two ribbons in her hands.
Every day since, every hour since.
She didn’t even know if Madoka was real. Not like it really mattered. The law of cycles was going to take her away one day, if Madoka had nothing to do with it… Then, well, it’s not like anything would change.
A dream of someone she loved, and who loved her back. If she was going to die anyway, maybe having that dream die alongside it wouldn’t have been a bad thing.
Maybe Madoka was real, once, and maybe one day she would take her to Magical Girl heaven. And maybe the tooth fairy and leprechauns were real too.
Maybe she herself wasn’t even real; maybe she was the only thing that was real. Not like it would’ve made a difference, not at all. It would be impossible for anything to change, by the looks of it.
She was stuck here. Trapped. Just like she was in some sort of loop of suffering where she would never, ever, be able to break from. Not until she died, which seemed like it wasn’t ever going to happen.
Not like that really mattered all that much, anyway. She couldn’t change it. All she could do was try to suffer through it, which was far easier said than done.
This cycle she had been put through, this suffering, was not going to end any other way. Not until she either got an answer on whatever ‘Madoka Kaname’ was, or died. If Madoka was a real person, or not. If she should still even care or not.
How… How could I ever know? Her mind spoke for her. She couldn’t, and that’s what she hated most of all.
She was stuck in a maze unending, clinging onto something that probably didn’t exist, begging for that something to take her away.
It was cruel in ways Homura could never understand. Even as she remained in her bed, hours on hours on end, trying to sleep. All she could do was ruminate on this over and over.
Her entire life was a circle, all because she became a Magical Girl for some stupid reason she couldn’t even remember. Unless Madoka Kaname was real, then that would’ve explained it. The choice she made, and why she was now in this hell.
Still late. Still cold. Still unable to sleep. She began to get up. Something told her it was right.
She was compelled to it, more so than she ever really should’ve been, but she clasped her hands together. It felt right to do, at that moment. And then she did something she had not done for such a long, long time.
She prayed.
Madoka, please. If you’re real, and if you’re the Law of Cycles… Please let me die. Let this cycle end so I don’t have to suffer without you. Please, just please, let my suffering end already.
Please. I just want to see you again.
It was different now. A fiction where her prayer was answered. Although once she learns the truth. The world she made wouldn’t last.
The incubators had learnt all sorts of things from her.
Thus, a world where she could be happy as she lay down dying was created. The dream of a happy forever is a dream of something real, and something she could never attain in life. Not yet.
So it was here, in this fiction, that she got to fight the nightmares of her world with the one she cared about most.
Kaname Madoka.
By her side once again, as a Magical Girl. Pretending the impossible dream of hers could be true.
Not like she really knew that last part. As any sense of what came before, of all her prior struggles, was forgotten when she became a Witch. Not to be remembered until she realises the falseness of what was surrounding her.
However, the feelings in her heart remained the same even now.
In her bedroom, she sat again. Staring up at the ceiling, unable to do or say anything besides thinking about it.
The pull on her heart. The way her chest would tighten any time she would talk to her. The way her laugh could play out in Homura’s ear for hours on end. That smile she gave Homura after every mission. All of it came together in a menagerie of feelings she wasn’t quite sure she was ready for.
She wasn’t even sure that she should feel this way. If she was allowed to, if it was normal to. If doing so was somehow wrong… she didn’t know if she wanted to be right.
She couldn’t stop it anyway. The desire she had, the appreciation of it all. It just wouldn’t go anywhere. Her heart called out for Madoka Kaname.
She loved her, sometimes. Loved her in every possible way, even if she was yet to know it. Yet to describe it as such.
Question was, did Madoka Kaname feel the same?
She couldn’t have, right? This isn’t normal.
So unfamiliar. She hadn’t even yet realised what her feelings were. A crush. Oh, to be young like this once again.
Still, that question needed to be answered… How did Madoka feel about her? It’s not like I could ask her. I mean, she would just say we were best friends… Do best friends feel this way?
If Homura had any idea about what she was actually feeling, she would’ve immediately understood the best way to get an answer. To ask out her beloved Kaname Madoka on a date…
…Which was something she absolutely was not ready to do.
Like, even considering the possibility was something she just wasn’t ready for. Doing it while knowing how she felt… Well, she never did that back then.
There was no reason for her to man up now and finally ask Madoka out, which she couldn’t even do yet, considering the fact that she didn’t even understand her own feelings.
She could’ve asked the others for advice, and maybe that would’ve been the right thing to do. But if this emotion wasn’t normal, if it wasn’t right… She didn’t want to lose her friends. Not after finally making some.
If she couldn’t ask Madoka, or anyone else… Then who exactly was she to ask?
The idea popped in her head suddenly, not unexpected, not something she had done since she had arrived back here. Yet, it felt almost uncomfortable doing so. Like she hadn’t done it in who knows how long.
If she wanted answers, and she did, this was probably going to be the only way for her to get them - at least, that’s how she rationalised it.
Palm onto Palm. She closed her eyes and began to ask. Hoping that this would finally give her an answer.
Please god, please let me understand how I feel. If… if this emotion really is love, then please give me the strength to ask her out. Please.
Some apartment she had never been to. Large hole out of the wall. Looking. Apartment stained now with blood, tears, and Homura. Who remained unmoving. Looking out at the distance to see it finally happen.
Failure compounded on failure, which compounded once again.
Mistakes.
Mistakes.
Mistakes.
And yet, the goddess tried to save her - tried to make it so she could live as a human once again. Fighting against the Wraiths of this world by her side.
And yet, once again, Homura had failed her. 1 more mistake, 1 more lie. One realization made by the girl she loves so much. 1 moment. And now, it was it.
It wasn’t something she noticed before: that Walpurgisnacht looked like half of an hourglass. Bottom half, uneasy. Ready to have sand drip down upon it from the top side. 100 times she fought it, and yet it remained unknown to her.
After the first time she saw Madoka become a Witch, she should’ve realised it.
Together, they really did look like an hourglass. It almost seemed fitting, someone like her needing to fight something like that.
Her greatest enemy, her beloved. Combined in an unholy symphony. It was the end of the world. What a fitting way for this story of hers to end. She doomed it already, after all.
2 others in that room. Both of them were problems for her, although, if this wasn’t the end of all of them, she would now recognize Miki Sayaka as her friend.
Not like she could notice either of them. Staring out, looking at that unholy monster that conjoined the flesh of Walpurgisnacht and Gretchen… mesmerised, Homura could do nothing in that moment.
She wasn’t the only one who was unable to do anything. Sayaka went from staring at the end of the world to screaming at Homura to do something. The other one, on the other hand…
“I’m so… I…” Hunched down. Shaking violently and utterly unable to speak. Betrayed by someone who she thought she could trust. She had gone to war against Homura, and this is where it had led to.
Choka, betrayed and barely able to speak. Selema, smiling and knowing that after today there would be no more need to worry, to cry, about the entropy of the universe.
“I just wanted to save the Cycle… I didn’t know… if.” Choka struggled to speak, murmuring to herself. Homura could barely hear it. Everything around her seemed numb.
Sayaka continued to scream at her, and yet that too barely registered. Nothing did except her final mistake personified.
“This is something only you can do.” Sayaka’s voice would finally break through to her. Coming out after so long. “So please, save her, Homura. Save Madoka.”
Homura sank to the floor. Her legs gave out, yet she would not fret. This time… this final time.
“I will save you, one last time,” Homura muttered. Madoka saw all she had done and knew she did no wrong to her, knew something Homura herself would never believe, and so she tried so hard to save Homura once again.
Only to turn into a Witch from the meddling of those who wished to see the Cycles be dismantled entirely. Who saw her death, her final martyrdom, as this universe’s salvation.
This time, this final time with Madoka still suffering. This will be how Homura finds her redemption. Not from Madoka, no, but from herself.
“Homura?” Sayaka ran up to her and tried to hold her after she fell to the ground.
“If I die, and if the world doesn’t end… Could you do something for me?” Homura would begin to ask. Turning her head to Choka, she would continue. “You as well. It’s better if I ask both of you.”
“Akemi Homura.” Choka managed to choke out as she tilted her head to look at her. Sitting almost beside her. Homura just gave her a small smile.
“I am going to save Madoka. And I’d rather tell her this myself, but if I can’t, then I want you both to do it.” She began as she turned back around. Looking out of that hole once again. Choka and Sayaka both looked at her, speechless. “Please, tell her that I loved her. Loved her in every way a person could ever love someone else. And whatever happens, as long as she can live a wonderful life… I will be happy.”
Homura didn’t yet get up; instead, she continued to sit down. Now clasping her hands into one another once again. Knowing that what happens next was likely going to be the end for her.
If Madoka was saved, she would be happy.
“I’m going to pray now. After I’m finished, I will go out there and save Madoka from her fate.” She once again tilted her head up to look at Sayaka. “If I don’t make it, I want you to be the one to protect her, Sayaka. Can I put my trust in you?”
Sayaka just smiled and nodded at her. No words needed to be exchanged between the two. They were very unnecessary.
And so, the devil herself began to pray. To whoever and whatever was left, she would need any and all help she could possibly get.
Please, God, Madoka… whoever is still out there. Please give me the strength to save her. I love her, so please, just this once, let her be happy. I’m not asking for myself, so please.
Please.
A different place, a different time. A different Homura and a different Madoka, one that remembered everything long before anything could happen.
One who knew every action Homura had taken almost immediately after Homura had created this world. One whose suffering only came from herself, and what she had done and was unable to do.
If she was just a human, maybe it would’ve been easier trying to cope. Maybe.
She woke up late. It was still night, remarkably. Not like it mattered much when she woke up; it was her holidays after all.
If it was just her that was awake, she would’ve gone back down. Pink pillows and plush toys all around her. They weren’t the only things around her that reminded her exactly where she was.
Trying to be quiet, Madoka turned her head, looking out from around her bed into the darkness. She could still recognize things in this dark, even now.
Her laptop, located just underneath her bed frame, unused at all in the last few days.
High school jersey, not worn at all this month and yet still out. Lay across her floor. I’m going to need to put that away.
Pill bottles that didn’t help were on the desk right next to her bed. Mocking her.
The stink of the things teenagers do when they are alone together still remained on her skin; likewise, it would too for the one who was next to her. Who woke her up accidentally.
Who else could it have been?
It was her, Homura Akemi. Her beloved. Her one and only. Elbows on her pillow, the big round one Madoka bought a few months ago, hand clasped in each other.
She was praying. Madoka knew immediately what and who she was praying for.
Who else could it have been?
She listened to Homura pray, pretending to still be asleep. Maybe it was better that way.
...Please, please… whoever is there, god. Just, please. Please let her be happy. Please give Madoka true happiness… I’ve tried everything, she’s tried everything… so please. Please let her, let Madoka know what she has given to all of us, given to me…
Homura would continue for a while. It wasn’t the first time Madoka had seen her do this. It broke her heart each time.
She’d finish eventually. Madoka was still awake, even by that point, unable to go back to sleep. Still listening to her girlfriend. For a second, there was silence.
Then she felt Homura hug her tightly, arms over her chest and tummy. It almost made her feel better about the fact she did nothing while her girlfriend cried and prayed for her, almost.
“I know you're awake.” Homura was the first one to speak. “Don’t say anything, let’s just cuddle for a while, okay?”
Madoka just turned around in her bed; the hug broke but was re-forged almost immediately. Madoka’s eyes stared at Homura’s. They were beautiful, indescribably so.
“One day I will make sure you're the happiest girl in the world, okay? I love you, Madoka.”
And one day, she did.