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"Oh I know," Pansy said, loudly as ever, inspecting her nail as it was shaped imperceptibly by the nail file that floated above her desk.
"It's just ghastly the way poor Astoria was treated, imagine being sat there, next to them. I would have left. The place has gone downhill since they changed management, they'll let anyone in these days." Her eyes flicked indiscreetly towards Hermione, who noticed despite her best attempts to ignore the conversation between her and Daphne Greengrass, just a metre from her own desk.
Pansy was her colleague in the loosest of forms. They shared a small office in the DMLE, both working as trainee Counsels - the Wizarding equivalent of a solicitor. That was where the similarities ended. Hermione had worked hard to get to where she was, getting Outstanding in all of her NEWTS and completing several apprenticeships before starting.
Pansy's uncle was the Chief Counsel, and having walked into the job on day one and seen who she would be sharing an office with, Pansy had made it her ambition to outdo Hermione every step of the way out of spite.
This wasn't as difficult as it should have been, given how underqualified she was for the position. Apius Parkinson was not shy with his disdain for the result of the war or, indeed, anyone who was not a member of the sacred twenty eight. He never had called Hermione a Mudblood, but it had been close. Which meant that all Pansy had to do was smile sweetly at him, and he would hand her opportunities like sweets.
They were supposed to work on projects together, but Pansy opted to only do the bits that gave her more exposure, leaving Hermione doing all the grunt work, knowing bitterly that complaining would be futile.
Apius wasn't the problem though, only a symptom. Hermione had naively hoped after the war that things would change. That everyone would finally see how utterly ridiculous blood status was. But while there had been speeches and promises and even a policy that businesses were not allowed to discriminate on such matters, even that was starting to be ignored without consequence.
"I've moved to that new place, I told Astoria about it after I heard. Very exclusive and their cleansing soak is to die for, you come out feeling ten years younger. Here, let me write the name down for you. I'm going tomorrow evening with Hestia if you'd like to join us?"
Pansy scratched a name onto some parchment, and handed it to Daphne. That was what they had got to, establishments that weren't supposed to exist being conspicuously flaunted under everyone's noses - their technical illegality making them even more desirable than before.
"Anyway," Pansy said, standing from her chair, and giving her manicure a once over. "Must dash, I've got a two-o'clock."
Daphne stared at her. "Don't tell you've actually got to do some work?"
"Merlin no! Draco's taking me for cocktails. Granger, tell my uncle I've gone to… Oh I don't know, make something up for me if he asks. Make it sound worthwhile."
Hermione rolled her eyes without lifting them from the parchment she was reading, only collapsing back in her chair when the door clicked shut.
That evening, Hermione was curled up in bed, reading a book from her mother - all about the ways scammers used bad science and the promise of feeling good to prey on the needy, stupid and entitled. Some were funny, some were predatory, and some were downright evil. She remembered Pansy and her "cleansing soak" from earlier, laughing at the thought of it being nothing more than water and cat piss, then wondered about how much of it existed in the wizarding world as well. Magic made it easier to actually deliver some of the promises, but also much harder to weed out the good from the bad.
…And the population much less inclined to think rationally when it came to empirical evidence.
*** One month Later ***
"Oh I know!" Pansy was manicuring her nails again. Daphne was sitting in the one other chair n their office, flicking through Witch Weekly. "Apparently, she tried to get onto the Elevated Witch course, you know the one I was telling you about? But she wasn't accepted."
"Really?" Daphne looked up from the written gossip to catch the spoken one.
"I know. Gracie - the lady who runs it - explained that she must be choosy when selecting participants. It's all to do with one's magical aura. Only those of pureblood witches are powerful enough to really benefit from what she does." Pansy looked meaningfully at Daphne then flopped back in her chair.
"Oh, I wish you could make it, Daphne. Gracie is wonderful. She's worked with some of the best in America. Not to mention that she is absolutely stunning - blonde, skinny, perfect skin - she knows her stuff. We started with something called yoga. We had to do all these stretches and balances. It was quite funny actually, Elphaba Smith - you know, Zacharias' mother, lost her balance doing a downward dog - fell face first on the floor."
"Her nose is already wonky," Daphne giggled.
"Oh, and we each got new outfits!." Pansy stood up and struck a pose. She was wearing black and emerald green lycra that was just a little bit tight in some places despite her small figure, and loose in others, giving the overall effect of an elephant in Spanx.
"Wow," said Daphne. Pansy either didn't notice or chose to ignore her tone.
"I know! Any witch who's anyone in California wears them all the time."
"So what happened after the yoga?" Daphne asked.
"Oh! So then we did a session where we had to stare into a mirror for thirty minutes, then sit in a circle and say what we liked most about ourselves - it was wonderfully affirming."
"What did you say?"
"It was so hard to choose, of course. But in the end I chose my wits. Oh! You'll find this hilarious - do you know what Narcissa said? Her looks, can you believe it? I mean, I know she used to be a beauty, but the war really didn't do her any favours, these days she just looks old. It's quite sad really. Don't tell anyone I told you though, it's supposed to be a ‘safe space'."
Daphne nodded, then asked eagerly, "What did my sister say?"
"Her hair, which, fair enough," Pansy replied with a dismissive wave of her hand, sending the nail file flying into Hermione's cheek. Pansy retrieved it with a snigger.
"Anyway, then we had to go for a walk in the woods, which, eugh, but apparently would make us all much more receptive to the days main activity which was this mud bath -"
"Mud?" Daphne interrupted with a wrinkled nose.
"Oh not like that. This was special mud from Iceland, it helped open our pores and to channel our magical aura. It did smell a bit funny, but really I felt like I could achieve so much when I stepped out of it."
Daphne didn't look convinced, but as Pansy went to continue, a memo zoomed through the door and paused before landing on Pansy's desk.
"Oh dear, someone needs my opinion on something. Don't worry Hermione, I've got this. If you could have those notes I need for my meeting tomorrow written up though? See you for those drinks later Daphne?"
Hermione kept her head down, but for once, Pansy didn't get to her as much. It had been worth violating Gwen Stefani's personal space to get some of her hair for the polyjuice potion. She stood up, checking her bag for the bottle of Firewhiskey she'd promised the Erumpent keeper for his help with procuring an ‘Icelandic mud bath' and went for lunch.
***The next week***
"Oh, I -" Pansy stopped, covering her mouth to hide a yawn. "Sorry, Gracie has got us doing sun rise sun salutations."
Daphne raised an eyebrow.
"It's a yoga thing, it helps us recharge our magical aura for the day. You should try it! It's only day three, and I can already feel the benefits. I feel so much connected to my magic!"
"Isn't sunrise at five am at the moment?"
"Well yes, but it's totally -" Pansy yawned again. " - worth it."
Daphne looked unconvinced. "How was this week's mud bath?"
"Oh, we didn't do that again. This week, we cleared our auras of interference. It was fascinating, actually. We had these devices with candles, and we put them in our ears and lit the candles. They drew out all the grubby bits that had gathered over the years, you could actually see it when we finished."
"Grubby bits…?"
"Yes, you know, like Nargles and Wrackspurts. They were all there, a ball of rainbow flecks all floating together. It was rather pretty."
"Despite being called grubby," Daphne remarked. "Wait, wrackspurts? Aren't they what Loony Lovegood used to bang on about in school?"
"I know! Mad isn't it? Who would've thought that little crackpot was actually onto something. Of course, all the older witches like Mother had much more to clear out than us younger ones. Lavender Brown was quite clogged up as well. Which came as a surprise to exactly no one - too many years hanging out with the Gryffindors."
"I rather like Lavender."
"Oh, she's fine now. If a little much sometimes. You should have seen her this week. She'd transfigured her yoga outfit so that it's got these pink flowers all over it. Oh it's ghastly. Anyway, Gracie said - "
Daphne started to flick through her magazine again, and Hermione went back to her work. She knew exactly what Gracie had said.
"Did you do the mirror thing again?" Daphne asked, keen for more gossip.
"We did! Gracie says self-awareness is vital; knowing our strengths is the key to unlocking our magical aura's true potential. This week's question was ‘what has been your biggest achievement?'. Obviously I said the time I managed to sleep with every member of the Wimbourne wasps in a week."
Hermione kept her head down, it had been almost impossible for Gracie not to laugh at that one. Not to mention Mrs Parkinson's contribution of winning Witch Weekly's best smile… Junior edition… forty five years ago. Most of them lied of course - Pansy being the exception. Hermione had looked through the feedback from the mirrors which were enchanted to record any conscious thoughts of the person looking into it. The older witches all thought of their children, which was rather sweet really. Though Narcissa's guilt and regret for Malfoy had been harder to stomach than Hermione would have liked.
"Oh yes!" Daphne exclaimed, clapping her hands. "Your Quidditch Bingo Bango!"
"Eugh," Pansy's smile dropped. "You spend far too much time hanging out with Theo."
***Another week later***
"What on earth is that thing around your neck?" Daphne asked, more loudly than was necessary as she walked into their shared office next week.
Pansy's hand went to the large ugly pendant sitting on top of her latest activewear outfit - another gift from Gracie, this time made with semi-sheer fabric to absorb the sun's energy and elevate one's aura for the day (and reveal your underwear to everyone).
"It's my new amulet, carved from the great Sempervirens tree in California. Gracie imported them for us especially. They ward off bad any bad spirits that might feed of our -"
Daphne completed Pansy's sentence at the same Pansy did, only with a rather different intonation, "magical aura."
Pansy's normally perfectly smooth forehead creased into a slight frown.
"See, this is why you should come too, you simply don't get it," she snipped.
"Sorry, I just hear all of this from Astoria too, and Flora. I feel like I'm about to drown in auras."
"I bet they don't tell you all the juicy gossip though do they? They're far too good for that. Gracie says what happens when we elevate, should remain amongst the elevated. But where's the fun in that?"
"You're right," Daphne sighed, plonking herself in the seat next to Pansy. "What happened this week?"
"Well. Yoga was hilarious as always, Mother overbalanced while attempting warrior two. She should have known better really, she just isn't warrior material these days. And Lavender ripped a hole in her pants, right down the seem of her bum. Gracie had to send a few of us out of the room until we stopped laughing. And then this week we each had a personal consultation with Gracie about our hair and skin, and she mixed up personalised creams for each of us. Soon I'm going to be as beautiful as she is, I can tell."
"I thought this was all about your magical aura?" Daphne asked, shrewdly.
"Well, yes, but the aura is the whole self, Daphne - looks are just as important as magical clarity!"
Daphne looked like she wanted to interject, but then the door opened and one of the senior Counsels stuck their head around it. "Pansy, Apius has asked me to bring you along to the international hearing in courtroom five, he thinks it will be good experience for you."
"Shall I come too?" Hermione asked hopefully. The counsel was new, having just moved from a prestigious law firm in Glasgow, so she didn't know the pecking order yet.
"No," Pansy said sharply. "We've not finished that report that needs to be handed in tomorrow morning, so you'll have to do that."
You've not finished your part of the report you mean, Hermione thought bitterly. She knew she should have added more guano to Pansy's face cream. But she needed the effects of the hair growth potion to be subtle. Not even Gracie could convince her stupid little flock that suddenly sprouting bushy eyebrows and a moustache was good for the soul.
Pansy stood up from her desk and the Counsel took a step back, her mouth open. "Is that all you've got to wear?" she asked.
"Yes, what's wrong with it?" Pansy countered, affronted. "It's what everyone wears in California."
"But, this isn't California," the counsel said, obviously confused. "No, I'm sorry. You can't represent British Wizengamot wearing something I can see right through. I think Hermione, you'll have to join us while Pansy finishes that report."
"But my uncle told you to bring me!" Pansy blustered.
"I'm sure he'll understand," the counsel said, with barely noticeable hesitation. "Hermione, we'll be starting in fifteen minutes, see you down there?"
Pansy didn't sit down when the door closed, and Hermione didn't look at her for fear of showing too much glee.
"Well, I'm still not writing that report. You can do it tonight Hermione - it's not like you have any kind of social life anyway. Come on Daphne, let's go have some lunch."
Hermione flicked her hand towards Pansy as she stormed out, just in time to see a rip form in her leggings, right down the seam of her bum.
*** Another week later ***
"You're no fun anymore, Pans."
It was Malfoy invading their office today, which meant it was louder, and she had even less space than normal.
"You used to always be up for shenanigans, but now you're too busy doing yoga and not eating carbs. You're all as bad as each other, Mother has banned all bread from the house and Astoria won't leave the flat while she's doing some kind of juice cleanse. "
"But you just don't get it Draco!" Pansy countered, "soon we'll all be so much better than we were! Our magical aura's will be full and -"
"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before." Malfoy turned to walk out the door. "Owl me when you can eat pasta again."
Pansy huffed as she sat down taking the last few sips of a purple brown juice in a cup emblazoned with ‘Enlightened Witch'.
Ten minutes later Daphne came in, taking her usual seat. "How's the juice cleanse going?"
"Fine," Pansy said.
Daphne gave her a look and Pansy slumped onto her desk.
"Fine, it's hard okay? These juices taste like a house elf's pillowcase, and I'm hungry."
"Are you having to run to the loo every half hour as well? I saw Astoria yesterday, poor thing seems to be house bound."
"No," Pansy lied. "Besides it's only for a week, and it will totally be worth it. Gracie says We have cleansed from the outside, now we must reach deep within ourselves and cleanse the inside."
"Of course. Pansy have you considered that you might all be taking this a bit far?"
"What? No! Why would you say that?" Pansy demanded sharply, her eyes a little wild.
Daphne opened her mouth, reconsidered, then closed it again.
"Nevermind," she said finally, "Did anything funny happen at this week's get-together?"
Hermione wondered if Pansy would tell the story of their wilderness walk, just after their first juice. The memory of watching them all run for a private place to empty their bowels in the middle of a forest was safely stored above her pensieve at home.
"No, sadly." Pansy said. "Oh, do you know what your sister said her greatest fear was though? That one day, you might be more popular than her."
"What! That little cow, why does she have to make everything into a bloody competition? I'm her sister, not her love rival."
"I thought you'd find that interesting. Remember, you can't tell her though! I've trusted you not to share this any further, because I want you to hear all about it."
"Right, yeah." Daphne crossed her arms in front of her. But suddenly perked up. "Hey, are you still coming to the Carrow's ball on Friday?"
A flash of doubt crossed Pansy's face, but then she glanced at Hermione and sat up tall.
"Of course! Everyone who's anyone is going to be there."
"Oh good! I was worried after talking to Draco. He was complaining that you weren't coming out."
"He's being melodramatic, I just can't go on an all night bender with him this week. No, I'd never cancel all my social plans, You know I start to struggle if no one's noticed for more than a couple of hours. Imaging being so inconsequential that everyone walks right past you all the time?" Pansy smirked straight at Hermione, who promptly scrapped her current idea for the Elevated Witches homework for next week. She'd had a much better idea.
** Another week later **
The office was beautifully quiet as Hermione sat reading through the notes she had made so far on her assignment. Nothing but the odd scratching of a quill from the desk opposite.
Her "social detox" idea was inspired, if she did say so herself. And then, to make it even better Astoria had handed her the perfect reason for it: If witches were starting to break the circle's trust, and divulge other's secrets that had been shared in a safe space, perhaps there was some deeper introspection needed before they could embrace their true selves. And true introspection required true silence. So, for a week, the witches would have to remove themselves from the attention of others. Either by staying at home, or by Disillusioning themselves, and speaking to no one.
Apius came into the office, and pulled a face at Pansy's not quite empty desk.
"I understand Pansy, that there are certain things a Pureblood witch must do to maintain their excellence. But this cult of yours really is becoming quite a pain. You've been letting yourself down in meetings for weeks, not paying attention, yawning, and last week you kept running off. Now it's like you're not here at all. I expect you to pull your socks up next week, or may have to reconsider how suitable you are for the role."
He turned reluctantly towards Hermione. "I guess you will have to come to the briefing on the Cardiff case. Let's go."
"Of course sir," Hermione said with a smile.
Daphne came in later only to grumble "Oh, you're doing that silence thing too of course. Maybe see you next week then?" and leave again.
There was a strange snuffle from the other desk, but Hermione did not feel in the slightest bit guilty.
Hermione wondered briefly if she could convince them to do another week of it.
*** Next Monday ***
Pansy rushed into the office in a flap at midday on Monday.
"Oh dear Pansy, everything okay?"
"No it bloody isn't you stupid Mudblood cow!" Pansy shouted.
Her eyes widened in panic. Hermione smiled.
"What's happened?"
"I don't know, I woke up this morning and whenever I try to say anything, a bunch of other stuff comes out as well. Everything that I'm actually thinking! It's mortifying." Pansy's face contorted as she spoke the last sentence, like she was trying desperately for it to not come out.
"How unfortunate."
"Yes! Mother has it too, we had a blazing row this morning, and I owled Astoria and she's the same! I think something must have gone wrong at the Elevated Witch this week. I've owled Gracie but she's not responded."
"Oh dear."
Then Apius walked in. "Oh Pansy, good, I've got something for you later, my office at two?."
Pansy nodded mechanically..
"What am I going to do?" she asked when Apius had gone. "Come on, you've always been the smart one. Please help me, I don't want to lose my job."
She hadn't meant to say the last bit. Hermione smiled sweetly, Merlin it felt good be in control. She would miss Gracie, but it was time for a different kind of fun.
"Well now," she said, affecting Gracie's valley girl uptalk. "Don't you think a bit of honesty might be good for your magical aura?"
"Stop taking the piss, you sound exactly like her, what are you doing?" Pansy said.
"And remember what I said on Saturday: Honesty will set you free. And y'all took a vow to speak truthfully and carved it into the back of that amulet. It was a beautiful moment. Even if you were all talking bullshit."
"How do you know that?" Pansy stammered.
"Oh Pansy," Hermione said, returning to her normal voice. "I think you know."
But to drive the point home, she waved Pansy's panicked note to Gracie in front of her.
Hermione listened to Pansy's tirade for a bit: Hermione was a bitch. She would pay for this. Pansy was going straight to the aurors, the Daily prophet, Hermione would regret every minute of the rest of her life. Until she got bored and raised her hand.
"That would be a fun headline: Muggle born bamboozles the social elite." she mused. "And what precisely would you go to the aurors with? You followed Gracie's advice of your own volition, and you never came to any harm. And as for making my life hell - maybe you'd like to consider how much I've learnt about you in the last six weeks, and how much I might be willing to divulge, before you go making that kind of threat."
Pansy's fire died. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish.
"Now, would you like to be the one to tell the Elevated Witches that Gracie was a crook, after your money, but she's gone now and you've worked out how to cure your affliction - be the heroine you've always dreamed of! Do you know, I was rather flattered?" Hermione smiled at the horror on Pansy's face as she revealed just how much she had learnt about them. "Or are we going to have to do it the hard way?"
"Fine, you win," Pansy said flatly, "Like always. What do we have to do?"
Hermione summoned the amulet that Pansy was still wearing, and set it on fire (just to be dramatic). "Stop. Being. Sheep."
She picked up her bag to go and get some lunch, but turned back before closing the door.
"Oh, and I've not finished those case files from Friday yet, if you wouldn't mind?"