Chapter Text
"What's going to happen to Max?" is the first question Red asks her mother when it's all over.
"He'll be okay. The healers will take care of him", Bridget assures, but that's not what Red wants to know.
"What about after? Once he's healed, who's going to take care of him if his father's in prison?"
It's not that she doesn't understand her mother's decision. As much as she wants to believe in the good in Maddox, she can see they can't quite trust him yet. All things considered, the relatively short prison sentence is really letting him off easy, especially after what she knows to have been years, if not decades, of villainy.
But if there's one thing she's learned recently, it's that actions have consequences. And she's not about to let Max suffer once again the badly thought-out consequences of someone else's actions.
Bridget's features soften at her daughter's insistence, and in turn, Red feels some of the tension leave her shoulders. She doesn't let herself relax, though, not just yet, not until she's heard her mother's answer.
"Well", she begins slowly, choosing her words with care. "I meant to wait for a bit before suggesting it, but since you're asking… I was thinking, if that's what he wants, and you and Pink don't mind, he could live with us."
"Of course I don't mind!" Red exclaims before she can even think about it, all her concern evaporating.
Bridget smiles at her spontaneity.
"If that's what he feels is best for him", she reminds her gently.
Red nods.
"Right. Yes. Of course. Thanks, Mom!"
***
Pink takes a little more convincing, but she eventually agrees when reminded that Max was ready to sacrifice himself to save Red. From the moment she caves, and Bridget says she'll discuss it with Max once he's well enough to make a decision, Red is constantly buzzing with anticipation. So much has been left unsaid between her and Max — thanks, apologies, understanding and support. Despite everything, the connection that she felt to him during their Wonderland adventure is still strong. She longs to have deeper conversations with him, about their respective childhoods, their parents, the pain it has caused them both. They can support one another through the aftermath, she just knows it.
At the same time, she can't help but worry that Max might not accept Bridget's offer. The queen is the one who imprisoned his father, after all, and Red knows she can't blame him if he needs some distance. Still, after the hope that sparked in her when Bridge suggested adopting Max, she doesn't know how she would deal with the disappointment if he refuses.
She waits nervously outside the room as her mother talks to Max, pacing up and down the corridor under Chloe and Pink's meaningful looks. Hazel is pretending to ignore her, studying her hook, but she can feel her eyes on her every now and then.
"Red, you've got to calm down, you're making me nervous!" Pink protests. "Here, have a snack."
She pulls a cookie from her purse, and Red forces herself to smile and take a bite. The small treat feels heavy in her stomach, but Pink's smile as she does so makes it worth it. The feeling of a love that's not quite hers — more intense, more selfless — flashes through her for a split second, then fades. She takes another bite of the cookie.
Just then, Bridget steps back into the corridor, and immediately, the three princesses crowd around her, eyes wide with unspoken questions. The pirate, too, looks up from her hook, though she doesn't move from her spot against the wall. The Queen gives them all a smile, the warmth of it breaking through her still visible uncertainty.
"Okay, okay, girls. The offer's on the table. Whether he accepts it or not is up to him."
"What offer?" Hazel notes.
"Can I see him?" Red asks at the same time.
"I don't think there are any objections", her mother replies, with a glance towards Hazel, who just shrugs and repeats:
"What offer?"
Red doesn't wait to hear the rest of the conversation. She leaves her mother, sister and best friend to explain the situation to Hazel, while she herself slips into Max' room, heart beating with anticipation.
Max doesn't look at her when she comes in. His gaze is fixed on the outside, through the window, and he doesn't move when she closes the door, though she makes no effort to do so quietly.
"Hey", she breathes, the quietness of her voice surprising even herself.
Max turns to her with a look of surprise, that soon turns soft when he notices her hesitation.
"Oh, hey. I thought you were Hazel."
He motions her closer, and she comes, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"My mom's catching her up. Or more like, convincing her to ask you herself, I think."
Max nods.
"Good. I… I think I want to talk it through with her, to be honest."
"With Hazel? Why?"
"She's my best friend. And even if it's hard to see sometimes, she is good at giving advice. I value her opinion."
Red nods in understanding.
"What about you? Why are you here?"
She shrugs.
"I guess I wanted to hear your thoughts."
Max' gaze turns piercing.
"Secretly hoping I won't come and mess up your perfect life, are we?"
The bitterness in his tone takes her by surprise, and frankly, hurts a little, too. She huffs, standing up and crossing her arms in frustration, but she forces herself not to escalate the situation.
"That's not fair, Max. My Mom must have told you Pink and I both agreed, didn't she?"
"Yeah, well, you princesses are too polite to say no to your mom anyway."
"I thought we'd been over this? I'm not a princess. I wasn't raised to be polite."
Well, she was, but it never stuck too well. Max huffs and doesn't answer, so she goes on.
"I said I was okay with it the moment she asked. I don't say things I don't mean. Max, where's this coming from? I thought we were cool after we talked the other day. Why am I suddenly the bad guy again?"
As she speaks, his anger morphs into something else, something heavier. By the time she's done speaking, he averts his eyes, fidgeting with the edge of the blanket. Red takes a breath, forcing her frustration under control, and returns to sit on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to speak.
"I'm sorry. You're right, I… I just don't see how you'd want that after everything. After what I did to your friend."
"Oh."
Her breath catches in her throat. So that's what this is about, she realises. Deep down, the real reason is Max hasn't forgiven himself.
The realisation hits her like a bullet. She'd never even considered he might carry the guild of what happened in the maze. For her, it's always been so obvious that he was on their side, despite the mistakes he made when he felt betrayed. She's already forgiven him; there's barely anything to forgive at all, in her mind. If anything, she's the one who messed up. Not for a second did she consider he might feel differently.
"Well, I do", she manages lamely.
"But why?"
She thinks about it. Because you deserved better. Because I never want you to suffer again because of me. She doesn't think that's what Max needs to hear, though. So what she settles for is:
"Because you get how I feel."
Surprisingly, the answer brings a small smile to Max' lips.
"That sounds selfish."
It doesn't sound like criticism.
"Maybe. But it goes both ways."
"You think you know how I feel?"
"Look, maybe I gave you my pain, but remember that I felt it, too. I think right now, we both need someone who understands."
Max looks away for a few seconds and exhales deeply. When he speaks again, she can tell he's trying to hide the tremor in his voice.
"What about Pink?"
"She… wasn't so sure about it, at first", Red admits, unwilling to lie to him. "But… we were a team, out there. And that doesn't need to stop just because we've saved my mom."
She tries to catch his eye, but he's avoiding her gaze again. It hurts to see him like this. Throughout all the pain and the rejection he's endured, he's kept his head high, staying strong and proud and refusing to let others define him. She's seen him hurting, she's seen him angry, but this? The shame, the guilt, the confusion, the vulnerability? It breaks her heart, and the urge to comfort him is so strong it takes even herself by surprise.
"What about you?" she asks gently. "You've kept asking me what everyone else thinks, but what's your opinion?"
"I don't know", Max sighs, a little of the guilt fading away from his features. "I keep wondering where that came from. I wasn't expecting something like that, after… everything. Does she feel bad for imprisoning my dad? Or does she want to keep an eye of me, because she still doesn't trust me?"
The questions sound genuine, not rhetorical, so Red ventures an answer.
"I don't think so", she muses. "I think she's just too good of a person to leave a kid stranded without parents."
"I don't want any pity", Max mumbles. "It's not like I'm a lost puppy or something."
Red gives him a pointed look.
"We're both lost puppies."
The admission startles a laugh out of him, and after a while, Red joins in.
"Look, I know", she goes on after a while, her smile turning back to a frown. "It's hard to get used to. Having someone who cares, I mean."
"Yeah. It's just… What's the catch, you know?"
"I… I'm still wondering the same thing."
She looks away. It's true. It pains her to admit it, even to Max, who she knows can relate, but despite everything that's happened in the two weeks since they came back from the past, everything they've been through in Wonderland, and everything she's been discovering since about her new life, a part of her still struggles to accept that it's real. The idea that people can love her and mean it, unconditionally, is difficult to get used to. Especially when, up until two weeks ago, the only person who'd ever really cared about her was the man who is now the cause of all their pain.
A hand covers hers, and she looks up to find Max' eyes on her. She offers him a small, sad smile.
"Sorry", she whispers. "I just…"
"You don't have to apologize."
He squeezes her hand briefly, then lets go.
"I think you're right. We could both use someone who gets it."
She looks up at him with a jolt.
"Does that mean you'll do it?"
For the first time, Max' smile reaches his eyes, despite the hint of sarcasm behind it.
"It means I'll think about it."
***
He's always loved the fact that Auradon High is a boarding school. At first, it was because it meant he didn't have to see his father for an entire term.
Now, he's grateful it gives him time to think about Bridget's offer.
***
"I'm not making that choice for you." The hook twirls through the air and digs itself into a mannequin. "It's your life. Deal with it."
"I'm not asking you to. I just want to know what you think."
Hazel serenely crosses the room to retrieve her hook.
"About what? You hanging out with the — how was it again? — perfect princess nepo babies?"
"Haze, it's not like that and you know it!"
"Relax, pretty head." She comes back towards him and flicks the rim of his hat; he mumbles a protest and adjusts it back on his head. "I know."
Then she sits down next to him, and he knows he's about to get the answers he's been looking for.
"Does our trip to Wonderland mean I suddenly like nobility? No. But", she adds, her tone uncharacteristically serious, "I trust Red."
And she says nothing more. But he knows she means it with every cell of her body.
***
He's been worried that returning to school, to normal, would mean losing the tentative friendships that started to form in Wonderland.
When he sets foot inside the classroom on his first day back to class after recovering from his injuries, the silence is deafening. The weight of hostile eyes on him makes him want to shrink into his own skin.
Then Luis waves at him from his seat.
"Hey Max!"
All eyes turn to him, and the Madrigal returns an even look. The only crack in his expression is the raised eyebrow that dares anyone to say a word.
One by one, their classmates turn back to the front.
Max slips into the seat next to Luis, in front of Felix and Robbie.
***
Red never expected getting used to Auradon Prep to be easy.
But she also didn't think it would be that hard.
Of course, there's the prejudice. The way people look at the VKs — at her friends — drives her insane. In the beginning, Luis, Pink and even Chloe were hesitant to openly hang out with Hazel and her gang at school. Red, of course, would have none of it, and she made a point to call out to Hazel from across the courtyard and sit at their table at lunch. She was thankful for Robbie, who saw things exactly as she did, though for slightly different reasons; the boy has found a new best friend in Felix, and being the son of Robin Hood, Red soon noticed he also had a loser interpretation of fixed social categories, such as HK and VK.
The firm demonstration of support soon won over the other three, and now none of them have any qualms hanging out with their friends whenever they want to. Pink has even started to befriend some VKs in her year. But they remain an exception, and the rest of the school visibly disapproves; the princesses' status is the only thing that protects them from an open outburst. And besides the hostility of the other students, what makes it really hard for Red to tolerate Auradon Prep is the more subtle, more sneaky discrimination coming from school authorities — the fact that VKs are still required to take Remedial Goodness, or the way the dorms are unofficially separated with an HK side and a VK side. Hazel has mentioned that Uma is trying to change it, but it's hard when Fairy Godmother is still struggling to fully step down from her former role as principal, and keeps making well-intentioned suggestions.
But it's also the little things. It's hard to live along the rhythm and rules of the school. Getting up when the bell goes, having meals at fixed times, attending every class. It's a tough change, for someone who was used to getting up whenever she pleased, eating when she could find something, and finding Maddox when she wanted to learn something.
(The memory of former Maddox still hurts. She tries not to think about it too much.)
She misses being outside during the night. She'd never even considered the fact that she wouldn't be allowed to leave her dorm after curfew. Well, that's not exactly how it's phrased. But the first time she tried to take a midnight walk to watch the stars, she triggered an alarm, and when she tried to explain she genuinely just wanted to go for a stroll, the look on Uma's face told her that she didn't quite believe her. She soon learned that the simple fact of being out of her dorm at night is seen as suspicious.
Hardest of all, though, is having to constantly share a space with someone else.
Red never liked crowds, and she particularly dislikes the crowd of students at Auradon Prep, with their lingering ears always in search of gossip and their judgemental eyes. And, due to her mom's status, it seems like there is no way to escape it during the day. She sticks with her friends as much as she can, but even they are, well, people. That alone is hard enough, but even at night, she can't be on her own.
She loves Chloe. She really does. The two girls are mending their relationship and learning to communicate their needs, after the Wonderland disaster. Chloe is still struggling to come to terms with the darkness within her, and Red feels responsible for pushing her over the edge, but they're working on it. But being together at every hour of the day and night is draining. Theoretically, her friend could go home on weekends, since Charmington is not too far from Auradon Prep, but to Red's frustration, Chloe decides against it, explaining that she needs to feel close to the people who understand what she's been through. Red can't blame her, of course, and she doesn't want to risk hurting her by saying anything wrong, so she stays quiet. But by the end of the second week, she feels like she could scream if anyone so much as looks at her the wrong way.
And then Max finally comes back to class.
***
It takes him approximately two seconds and a half to notice.
By the time third period rolls around, he feels like if his classmates stare any longer, they're going to drill a hole in his skull. Younger students rush out of his way with a squeak, while older ones give him barely hidden looks of distrust. At least his friends, old and new, are on his side, but all they do is glare back at other students and look at him like he's going to shatter if they drop him, and that doesn't help, either.
And then Red drops down next to Chloe for lunch, and gives him nothing but a glare that dares him to say a word, and Max, ridiculously, finds himself thinking it's refreshing.
While Chloe and Hazel launch into a passionate rant about girls not being allowed to take Advanced Chivalry as an elective — Max knows for a fact that Hazel would rather swallow her hook than ever set foot in a chivalry class, but she's arguing out of principle, and no less passionately at that — Red eats in silence, glaring at her plate. When a student speaks a little too loudly from the other side of the room, she jumps. When the Smees accidentally crash into her on their way to the table, she actually hisses.
Max feels like he's looking in a mirror. A glance around the table tells him no one else finds Red's behaviour unusual.
He doesn't even need to consider it; he already knows.
He swallows a few more mouthfuls of his lunch, then stands, grabs his jacket, and leaves the table without a word.
"Max?" Luis calls after him.
He doesn't look back, but he can hear Hazel answer:
"Don't worry, he just needs some space", before immediately returning to her conversation with Chloe.
Silently thankful for his best friend, Max makes a beeline for the door. But instead of rushing through the corridors like he usually would, he sits on a bench next to the refectory and pulls out his phone.
To: Redhead
Come with me
The message shows as read almost immediately. There's a beat, then the three dots indicating that Red is typing appear. Then they disappear again.
Moments later, Red storms through the door, her eyes immediately falling on Max.
"What?"
"Come on", he answers, standing up from the bench and motioning for her to follow.
"Max—"
"We don't need to talk. Actually, I'd prefer it if you didn't."
"Yeah, same", Red mumbles under her breath.
Max smirks.
"Figures."
She follows him through the halls, away from the sounds of chatter and plates clinking in the refectory. She doesn't shiver as they step into the cold autumn air, instead breathing it in as if she'd just resurfaced from underwater. Max knows he's doing the same. They exchange a knowing glance, and Red, though she doesn't manage a smile, gives him a small nod.
He guides her through the gardens, away from the main entrance and the picnic tables, past the tourney field, towards the old garden pavilion at the edge of the school grounds and the hole in the hedge. He pulls the bush aside, revealing the small passage. Red glances at him hesitantly.
"Go on", he insists. "Or have you lost your VK spirit already?"
Red raises an eyebrow in response to the challenge, and wordlessly slips through the hole. Max follows, replacing the bushes behind him. He watches as Red looks around, taking in this part of the forest, the closely growing trees and the complete lack of walkable paths. Then she looks back towards him questioningly.
"Only Haze and me know about it. I come here when I need to be alone. You looked like you could use it."
For the first time all day, Red gives a genuine smile.
"Thanks."
***
A hand snatches his hat off his head. He starts, reaching for it, but the kid holds it right out of his reach.
"Give it back."
"Or what? You'll go mad, like your daddy?"
Whack.
A fist collides with the other boy's jaw. Red pays him no further attention as she snatches the hat from him and hands it back to Max.
"What the fuck?!" the bully yelps, having finally recovered from the shock of Red's intervention.
Red turns back to him. She's glowing with a rage Max has genuinely never imagined the princess could display.
"Max Hatter is my friend. I thought we'd made that clear enough."
"His father kidnapped your Mom!"
"He's not his father."
The immediacy of the answer, the absolute, unshakeable certainty of her tone, fix something in him.
"You don't know that."
"I do."
The other kid's face scrunches up in disgust.
"Yeah, well, don't count on me to save you when he locks you up in a dungeon somewhere."
Red's fingers twitch. The bully flinches. Max doesn't bother hiding his smirk. The girl doesn't waste any more time before turning back to him.
"You okay?"
"Yeah", he says, but he's shaking his head.
Red studies him for a moment, but she doesn't insist. Instead, she holds out her hand to him.
"I'm meeting with Chloe after Swords & Shields. You coming?"
"Okay", Max agrees, taking her hand and letting her lead him away.
Before they leave, though, Red turns to the bully one last time.
"If you ever try to pull that again, I won't stop at one punch."
***
She gets detention for it.
She couldn't care less.
***
"People think we're together."
Max says it's casually, like he's commenting on the weather. Red groans.
"Ugh, no", she mutters before she can even think about it.
Then she realises what she's just said and for one horrifying moment, she's afraid she's hurt him. Worse, what if he actually has feelings for her? But Max bursts out laughing, and so do the rest of their friends, and she relaxes at once.
"I know, I know. Don't worry, me neither."
He tries to pull her braid, but she ducks, grabbing a pillow to shield herself and sticking out her tongue at him from behind it. Max grabs the first thing he can find — a pencil — and throws it at her.
"To be fair, I'm not surprised", he admits. "I mean, I know what we look like from the outside. If anything, I'm more surprised it took this long for the Auradon Rumour Mill to get its hands on that."
"Especially seeing that they've been looking for reasons to gossip about us forever", Red muses.
Max hums in agreement.
"Well, I prefer that to the shit about my father."
"Don't worry", Hazel puts in from her spot on top of Chloe's desk, legs dangling off. "They're still going with that too."
"Gee, thanks, Haze. You always know what to say to make someone feel better."
The pirate mockingly tips an imaginary hat at him.
"At your service."
***
The nightmares start coming mid-November. Suddenly, Red finds herself glad that Chloe doesn't go home on weekends.
***
The first weekend of December, Ella insists on having Chloe home for what is apparently a Charming family tradition.
"You'll be okay?" Chloe asks her roommate, worry clouding her eyes.
"Of course. I may have been shit at showing it lately, but I can live without you", Red jokes back.
The attempt at a joke falls flat. Chloe just shakes her head, and pulls her friend into a hug. Red tucks her face against the crook of her neck, breathing in the familiar scent.
"I'll be fine, Chlo. It's just a few nights."
***
She's not fine.
***
Her eyes snap open and she fumbles for the light switch. She lets her gaze roam the room, in a desperate attempt to replace the images in her mind with those of her dorm. Ella's eyes, Ella's face, Chloe's terror, her mother's voice, her own…
"Treason."
"Off with her head!"
No. No, no, no, no. It's not real.
But it was, and it hurts, and she can't breathe, and before she knows it, tears are streaming down her face. What is it that Chloe usually says in those situations? Nothing seems to make sense anymore. Chloe, she needs Chloe. No. Chloe's not there. Think, she tells herself, screams at herself in her brain. Chloe's at home. She said to call if needed, but— What time is it? She reaches out blindly for her phone. It's three in the morning. Chloe's definitely asleep by now, and she always turns off her phone for the night.
"Treason. She's guilty of treason."
It was her fault. She did that. Ella was executed, all because she was too scared to stand up against her tyrant of a mother. She's a coward, that's what she is. She's complicit, she's no better than the Queen…
Stop. Think. Breathe.
She needs Chloe, why can't Chloe be there, why did Ella have to call her back home—
She tries to do the exercises Chloe taught her, filling in her lungs with air, blocking, taking another breath in before exhaling, but she can't stop crying for long enough to do the full routine. She can't do this alone, she needs Chloe, she needs someone, anyone.
Think.
Chloe's not here. Who is? Who might be awake at three in the morning?
Can't breathe, can't think, can't get the voices out of her mind—
The answer comes at once, crystal clear. She doesn't let herself question it, refuses to give the doubts time to creep in. She unlocks her phone, and types a brief message through a haze of tears. Just don't get tears on the screen, she thinks to herself, and she almost laughs at the futility of the thought.
The moment she manages to press 'send', she throws her phone to the side, leans back against the headboard, and curls up on herself. Breathe. She inhales, counting the beats, and tries to exhale for longer. Again. The third time, her inhale is cut off by another brutal sob that racks her own body. She gives up.
She's still crying when he knocks on the window. Somehow, trembling all over, tripping over her own feet, she makes it out of bed and manages to open the latch. He doesn't wait for her to open the window fully; instead, he pushes it open the moment he can, and climbs into the room in one swift motion.
"What do you need?"
His voice is gentle, but firm. It makes a way through the haze of her thoughts, offering something to hang on, an anchor, a lifeline.
"Can't… Breathe…" she manages through choked sobs.
"Okay."
He thinks for a second, and although the moment is brief, Red just stands in front of him, arms wrapped around herself, feeling stupid.
"Can I touch you?"
She shakes her head no.
"Alright, I won't. Just keep breathing, okay? You can. I know it feels like you can't right now, but I promise you can. Trust me?"
She nods.
"That's right. Just keep breathing. In, and out. In, and out."
He marks his words with inhales and exhales of his own. Red follows his rhythm.
My fault, my fault, my fault…
She breaks into sobs again.
"No, no, you're okay."
"I can't—"
"You can. Just keep going. In and out."
It takes a while, and multiple tries, but eventually she manages to get her breathing back to a normal rhythm. She's shaking, sweating, too hot and too cold at the same time. At some point throughout it all, she's let herself drop to the floor, her back pressed against the wall, and she has no memory of it.
Max talks her through all of it.
"Sorry", she mumbles at last, curled up over herself, shivering, and feeling particularly small.
He shakes his head without a word, and offers his hand.
"Come on. You're cold."
She takes his hand, and lets him pull her to her feet and guide her back to her bed, where he grabs a blanket and wraps it around her shoulders. They both sit, and she leans against him, resting her head on his shoulder. Carefully, Max wraps an arm around her shoulders in return.
"This okay?"
She nods. They sit in silence for a while.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"I just…"
She didn't mean to. But somehow, when he asks, she can't be anything but honest. And so, all of a sudden, she finds herself spilling out her guts, her head in his shoulder, at three in the morning in her dorm at Auradon Prep. Max doesn't interrupt, doesn't judge, just listens until the end.
"I killed her", she blurts out, and Max doesn't even flinch at the brutal admission, just rubs her arm in support. "Well, not really, but it was my fault, I…" She takes a deep breath, and forces herself to start from the beginning. "My mom… Not this one, the other one… She staged a coup, and Ella tried to oppose her. And she… She told me to pronounce the sentence. She did that sometimes. Said it was good practice. I was scared, I was confused, I just wanted my mom to see me… I know it's no excuse. I sentenced her to death. I own up to it. And she was executed, and it was my fault."
"So that's why you changed the timeline in the first place", Max understands.
"Yes. Instead of fixing my mess, I ran away from it and went and stole the life you should have had. I'll never tell you enough how sorry I am, Max. All of this started because I was too much of a coward to speak up for what's right."
It's not self-pity; it's stating facts. At least, that's what she's trying to do. What she doesn't expect is for Max to pull her closer and suddenly press a finger to her lips.
"Shush. Don't even start."
"Wha—"
"Shush."
She pulls away from him and stares at him in utter confusion. He returns her look, boring her eyes into hers with breathtaking honesty.
"You're incredibly hard on yourself, Red, you know that?"
She looks away.
"I don't— It's just the way it is."
"The way it is? I'll tell you the way it is. A bloodthirsty tyrant forced you, a 16-year-old, into her cruel political intrigues, you did what you could to change it with the tools you had, and I, reckless idiot, judged you without knowing the entire story and took it out on you. That's the way it is."
Red's head snaps up. She raises an eyebrow, and jabs a finger between his ribs.
"Oh, no, you don't get to shift the blame. If I'm not allowed to blame myself, then neither are you."
"It was different."
"It wasn't."
"It was."
"Shush."
Max rolls his eyes.
"Not the point."
"Mmm'kay", Red half-agrees, though only because her breakdown has drained her and she doesn't have the energy left to argue.
"The point is, it wasn't your fault."
"I don't know", she breathes, suddenly vulnerable again.
"I do."
He reaches for her again and she lets him, leaning her head on his shoulder once again.
"I don't blame you. No one does. No one but yourself."
She sighs, curling up against him, feeling herself relax in his embrace. For a while, they don't speak. Thoughts are still swirling in her mind, but they feel more manageable, less overwhelming now. She lets them pass, watching from the sideline instead of getting swept up in the hurricane. Gradually, they start to make sense again.
"I think…" she begins after a while, realisation sinking in as she speaks, "I think the reason it's so hard is, I don't want to be her. I never wanted to be her. But that's what she wanted, and she had so much control that…"
"You're scared that you might be like her", Max finishes for her.
She nods.
"I know", he breathes. "I've spent my whole life trying to prove I was nothing like him. And the moment it mattered most, I fucked it up."
"All she ever did was hurt people, and I thought I could never. Until I did."
"And everything reminds you of it, am I right? Every little detail, every day…"
"Yeah. And apparently you're supposed to live with it, cause the world keeps on turning, but you still feel stuck back there while your life is running away from you."
Max lets out a sound that could be a snort.
"How do we even start living with it?"
"I don't know."
***
Talking to her is like looking straight in a mirror. It's like someone tore open his chest, wrenched out his heart, and put it into words with the ruthless accuracy of one of Robbie's arrows.
And yet somehow, the pain has never felt more manageable than tonight.
"Hey Red", he whispers, breaking the strangely comfortable silence that has settled between them once again.
"Yeah?"
"Tell your mom okay."