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The air felt crushing in the car as Mira drove herself and Rumi home. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Rumi pressing her fingers into the meat of her right forearm, rubbing heavily at the scarred muscle there while wincing. It was why she was the one to drive them home, Rumi’s arm started throbbing halfway through their therapy session and it was still clearly bothering her. Mira wanted to ask about it, wanted to hear her mate’s voice, but she couldn’t bring herself to break the silence. Everything between them felt raw, the silence harsh, constricting, yet hard earned.
Because that day’s session went terribly.
Mira’s eyes ached and burned, from tears that had been shed, from being awake far too long. She couldn’t sleep. She tried, but Rumi didn’t come to bed until far too late. Even with the space between them, Mira couldn’t sleep until she knew Rumi was with her. She’d barely slept in months, Rumi’s insomnia had gotten terrible. Until today, Mira hadn’t admitted how badly she was sleeping. Rumi was used to being up for far too long, Mira was not. She had no intentions to bring it up, not until the therapist finally drilled into her so hard it came spilling out of her in a roaring frustration. And the look Rumi gave her? It hurt. Twisted in pain, rendered speechless, to the point their therapist couldn’t get a word out of her for several minutes. Like she’d forgotten just how much Mira needed her around just to get through a fucking night.
Pulling into the driveway, the car rolled to a stop, Mira turning it off, yet neither of them moved. Her ears still rang from her own shouting, like it had just happened instead of an hour ago. She wished more than anything she could take it back, yet it lingered in the space between her and Rumi. And looking at her mate, she was staring at the floorboard, her hand now still on her arm, expression devoid of the warmth that Mira so desperately missed.
The last few months had been hard on them both. Leana was long gone, but the damage was done. Even thinking of the omega made Mira’s heart twist in agony, flinching and looking away from Rumi. It was hard to even look at her sometimes, knowing that she was so hurt because of her. Because she didn’t listen to her or acknowledge how terribly Leana had treated her. It felt so selfish to need her so much when she didn’t deserve her partner’s love anymore.
In the painful silence, Rumi’s inhale was thunderous, catching Mira’s attention instantly. “Do you…” she started, her voice quiet, unsure, “Do you want to try what she said?”
Mira had almost forgotten the last few things their therapist said. She’d been adamant that Mira’s lack of sleep was only going to make things worse, and before their next session, she needed to at least try and catch up on sleep. When Mira told her that pills hadn’t been helping, she recommended that they try something even simpler: Take a nap together. She made it sound so easy… it should have been. It always was before…
Peeking over at Rumi, she was still looking down, slowly flexing her scarred hand, a motion Mira knew meant she was past the spasms that hit her earlier. They’d been happening a lot lately, Celine mentioned stress made them more frequent, and that only made Mira feel worse. Because she couldn’t just stop at ruining their relationship- she had to physically cause Rumi harm too.
Rumi turned her head a little unexpectantly, the gentle eyes of the woman she loved so much carried an exhaustion that Mira felt reflected deep in her chest. Holding her gaze was hard, looking away was even harder, trapped in those soft brown eyes that for a moment, Mira could forget everything. The hurt, the aching chasm between them, every stupid mistake she made that got them there to begin with.
“Yeobo?”
Mira’s heart stuttered. Throughout everything, despite everything, Rumi never stopped calling her that. Like she still deserved it. Like she still meant it. Swallowing harshly, Mira tore her eyes away from Rumi’s, fidgeting with the keys in her hands before shrugging non-committedly. “Not going to force you to,” Mira murmured, palming the keys in one hand so she could reach for the door.
“You’re not forcing me to do anything,” Rumi’s statement made Mira pause in her retreat, fingers frozen against the door handle, “I’m asking.”
Now Rumi was making it sound so simple. As if they hadn’t spent the last several months with half a bed between them… As if they hadn’t both placed that space there. Because they both needed to breathe, even though the space was sheer agony some nights. Or worse, the space was there because Rumi wasn’t, wandering their house instead, leaving her to stew in countless, restless hours that felt like hell on earth.
Mira wrapped her hand around the handle, but didn’t open the door, chewing on her lip. Of course she wanted that space to disappear, of course she wanted Rumi to touch her again, more than just the occasional brush of their hands or their shoulders bumping as they moved through the kitchen. But she didn’t feel like she deserved it- deserved her.
“…After lunch, maybe,” Mira finally forced out, grimacing at how strained her voice was. Maybe by then, Rumi would change her mind, and Mira could find a corner of the house to hide in.
Rumi definitely would have noticed, but she was merciful enough not to comment on it, saying instead, “Okay.”
They both got out, moving through what had become routine with the therapy sessions. Remove their shoes, discard keys and wallets, head for the kitchen, search for food. It stung that their fridge had mostly been taken over by leftover boxes from takeout orders, along with the few precooked meals Jinu and Roman sent them. From the moment she had access to a kitchen again, Mira prided herself on making good, wholesome meals. It was one of the first things that made her feel like she had any control of her life again.
Lately, she barely had the heart to cook. Rumi tried, but she wasn’t fairing any better, especially if her lightning scarred arm started spasming. They lost a glass container when a spasm hit her so badly, she lost control of her hand completely. That was one of their worst nights in the new house.
They at least agreed they needed to eat, even if Mira could barely stomach anything recently, she still tried. She knew how much it worried Rumi when she didn’t eat at all, and she couldn’t bear to worry her any more than she already had. So she forced down one of the half boxes of stir fry, just to try and ease the ache in her stomach. By the time lunch was finished, Mira expected them to continue their routine: Clean up, say a couple of things to each other, then part ways until it was time to figure out what dinner was going to look like. Clean up happened as usual, Rumi washing their utensils, Mira drying them and putting them away. Once that was done and Rumi’s hands were dry, however, she reached for Mira’s hand, starting to gently pull her towards the living room.
Rumi brought her to the couch, releasing her hand and adjusting the pillow at the arm of the couch before half laying out on top of it. She looked up, finding Mira hesitating, wringing her hands together nervously. “Are… are you sure?” Mira whispered, not even able to meet Rumi’s eyes.
“Yeobo, come here,” Rumi’s answer was soft, opening her arms out to her alpha.
It took a moment for Mira to finally move, slowly, painfully easing down to settle between Rumi’s arms. Once she rested against Rumi’s shoulder, her arms wrapped around her, and- and-
A deep whimper burst out of Mira before she knew it was even in her throat, her hands gripping into the fabric of Rumi’s shirt, clinging to her tight.
She was so warm. How could she forget that Rumi was so warm?
Rumi startled slightly, but all she did initially was lift her hand, starting to card her fingers through Mira’s hair slowly, letting Mira nestle closer to her. The earthen scent of her mate surrounded Mira just as easily as her embrace, filling a void in her chest she didn’t even know was there. It could have been seconds, it could have been minutes, but as soon as she was comfortable, the exhaustion in the back of her mind surged forward and finally, finally, Mira fell asleep with ease for the first time in months.
The only light that Mira woke up to was from the kitchen, groggily opening her eyes to find that she managed to sleep the rest of the day away. Rumi hadn’t moved, but Mira had, her nose pressed against Rumi’s neck, a precious few inches from her scent gland. She was close enough that every breath was full of her scent, of earth after fresh rain. One of Mira’s favorite smells in the entire world. God, she missed this. Feeling Rumi’s fingers idly playing with her hair, however, guilt started to brew in her gut. Rumi probably didn’t sleep, she barely slept recently, so she’d just been a captive on their couch for hours.
If Rumi knew she was awake, she said nothing, still just idly brushing her fingers through thick, pink hair. Mira couldn’t bring herself to move away from her, she couldn’t. Her warmth, her scent, the way she held her and made her feel so unbelievably safe- The idea of putting that space between them again forced her to swallow a pained whimper, shifting to properly tuck against Rumi’s scent. Rumi let out a chuff, a warm sound that usually made Mira laugh or smile. It was such a fond sound, her mate expressing that she was happy to see her.
Now, the sound only made the guilt in her chest worse. She was so fucking selfish.
For a moment, she didn’t move, taking slow, deep breaths of Rumi’s scent, wishing it was enough to calm the raging emotions stewing in her chest. When she did finally lift her head, she only moved to rest against Rumi’s shoulder, not able to look up at her, whispering, “Why… why are you still here?”
The question lingered for a long time, Mira didn’t need to look up to know Rumi was frowning at her. “I… you’re kind of on top of me?” Rumi’s answer gave away that she didn’t know what she was actually referring to, sounding confused.
Mira shook her head, clutching onto her shirt just a little more. “Why are you still with me?” She asked again, trying to be clear, “After everything… I hurt you.”
“Oh,” her response was quiet, understanding. Mira still refused to look up at her, another moment passing in a silence that felt like it was trying to crush her under a weight she couldn’t shake off. Rumi took a long, deep breath before she spoke again. “You’re my mate,” her answer was simple, followed by the faintest of shrugs, “why wouldn’t I be?”
Mira lifted her head then, staring up at Rumi incredulously. Soft brown eyes stared back at her, completely serious, completely sure of herself and her words. After everything, Leana’s treatment, Mira’s neglect, the-… Tears filled Mira’s eyes, forcing herself to let go of Rumi’s shirt before she tore it, trying to keep her emotions in check, but it was impossible to believe that it was so easy for Rumi. “I-I hurt you, Ru,” she told her like it was new, shocking information, “I keep hurting you, I let her hurt you so fucking much-“ Rumi flinched at that, “you- you have every reason to-“
A sob broke free, the tears in her eyes breaking free like water from a dam. Rumi’s hands were immediately cupping her cheeks, holding her steady, smoothing her thumbs over her to catch and brush away the tears that fell. “Mira, I’m not going anywhere,” Rumi declared firmly, tears of her own brimming in her eyes, “I’m not.”
“Why?!” Mira cried, flinching at her voice raising in pitch, quickly forcing a breath through her tears to school her tone back down, “You don’t stay in bed anymore, I can hear you moving things at night and it’s fucking terrifying. If-if you’re going to leave, at least tell me.”
“Mira, what are you-“ Rumi paused, her brow furrowing before her eyes widened, realization sparking in her eyes. “Wait, is that why you won’t sleep unless I’m in bed? You think I’m leaving?”
Rumi almost certainly got her answer by the way Mira couldn’t even begin to speak again, not past the sobbing that spilled out of her. The therapist had tried to poke at why she was struggling to sleep so much, but Mira didn’t want to say it. She didn’t want to admit the truth: That she stayed up terrified that Rumi would leave her in the middle of the night. That she would wake up completely alone again. That she’d have no one, and the last shred of sanity she had with Rumi would leave with her.
Her partner’s hands left her face, only to reach down and pull Mira up slightly, enough that Rumi could wrap her in a hug so tight she almost couldn’t breathe. Not that she could breathe anyway, not while she was weeping into Rumi’s shoulder. She didn’t care, she couldn’t, all she could do was wrap her arms around Rumi where she could reach her, clinging as tight as she could. From the way Rumi’s shoulder shook, she was crying too, knowledge that just tightened the vice around Mira’s heart more. What kind of alpha was she if all she did was hurt her mate?
Even when she ran out of tears, Mira couldn’t bring herself to move, hiccupping and shaking against Rumi. Her grip loosened after a while, one of her hands sliding under her hair to rest against the back of Mira’s neck, thumb rubbing against her gently. “Yeobo, listen to me,” Rumi whispered, shifting enough so her forehead bumped against the side of Mira’s head, “I’m here. I want to be with you, I’m not going anywhere. Yes, I’m hurt, yes, she hurt me, I don’t fucking care. You tell me to leave or you’re stuck with me, got it?”
Mira clawed at Rumi’s shirt again, trying to find every and any way to cling closer to her mate, sobbing, “Pl-please don’t leave.” That selfish feeling rose up in her again, wishing it didn’t feel so wrong to beg her to stay, but the thought of letting her go hurt so badly she was afraid she was going to throw up.
“I’m here, Mira,” Rumi kissed the side of her head, resting her forehead back against her, “my sweet yeobo… why do you think I could ever leave you?”
Mira couldn’t answer briefly, trying desperately to fill her lungs again, her head spinning and her head aching. Mercifully, each breath was another draw of Rumi’s scent, which she made no effort to hide. Her partner waited for her, her only movement being the gentle rub at the back of her neck, a reminder that she was there. Ounce by ounce, tension slowly ebbed away, leaving Mira completely lax on top of Rumi, her breathing finally evening out, her head lulled almost bonelessly against her shoulder. Even then, finding her voice again was hard, but for the first time in months, the silence that lingered wasn’t so soul crushing that she felt like she needed to run and hide.
When she finally could speak, she swallowed thickly, voice barely a murmur, but their house was so quiet that it didn’t matter. “I was so fucking stupid, Rumi… I wanted her to be the one so badly I… I let her get away with hurting you. Every time. How can you forgive me for that? I-I don’t understand, you should be furious at me, you have every right.”
“…I didn’t say I wasn’t upset about that,” Rumi admitted with a little shrug, and Mira dared to look up at Rumi, finding her looking away, a tired, sad look on her face, “it… She made me feel like I was insane for being there, but every time I’d think about leaving for good? Mira, I can’t.” She looked back at her, fresh tears in her eyes, “I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment I tripped over my stupid feet trying to dance with you that first time-“ A choked laugh broke out of Mira at the memory, “you’ve been the only reason I’ve stayed, I want to figure this out and get past this, I want to be us again. If that’s what you want too.”
“More than anything, jagiya,” Mira sniffled, unlatching her hand from Rumi’s shirt so she could reach up for her mate’s cheek, taking her turn to wipe away her tears with trembling fingers, “I’m so sorry, Rumi… I won’t let anyone get between us again, I’ll figure out how to make this up to you, I swear.”
“Just don’t leave me too,” Rumi whispered to her, lifting her hand to press against Mira’s on her cheek, holding her against her and closing her eyes, “you’ve been hiding, Mira… please just be with me. I can’t… I can’t watch you drift away from me again.”
“Never again,” Mira promised, pushing herself up on a shaky arm so she could press their foreheads together, a touch she knew her partner enjoyed.
A trembling breath left Rumi, her eyes drifting shut, both of them simply basking in the presence of each other. “…If all we needed to do to talk again was cuddle, I’m enforcing cuddle time for now on,” Rumi informed her, a small, weak smile on her lips through the tears still slowly falling down her cheeks.
Mira couldn’t help but laugh, closing her eyes and resting against her, just letting herself feel her partner against her again. “If you call it, I won’t fight you on it, jagiya, just say the word.”
“Hm… in the store?” Rumi’s tone was light and teasing, and Mira found herself with a growing smile.
“Too public.”
“Aww.”
“Why do you want to cuddle in front of people, you dork?”
“So people know you’re mine,” Rumi responded without hesitation, Mira blinking her eyes open in surprise, “and to back the fuck off. I wanted to knock that fucker out the other day for insulting you.”
“I thought you were going to rip his head off,” Mira chuckled softly.
“Ugh, this sucks,” Rumi grumbled, leaning back just so she could drop her head onto Mira’s shoulder, “if I see that stupid fucking bitch again, you can’t stop me, I will rip her head off. Posting all that goddamn bullshit about you…”
Rumi’s continued grumbling became muffled as she nuzzled her head into Mira’s shoulder, and Mira just sighed softly. “I’m… I’m sorry you’re caught up in this, Rumi,” she whispered, letting her chin rest on Rumi’s shoulder in turn.
“We’ll deal with it,” Rumi murmured, “we always do.”
Mira let herself smile a little more, wishing she could borrow her partner’s confidence more often. For now, though, she’d settle for just being close to her again. “I love you, jagiya.”
“I love you too, yeobo.”
~
Weeks passed, and life got a little easier.
Not perfect, there was still so much hurt to heal, but Mira could finally sleep again. She still slept best when Rumi would join her, but now every movement outside their bedroom didn’t jolt her awake. Her beloved mate wasn’t leaving, there wasn’t anything for her to be afraid of anymore.
After meeting with Roman to arrange a trip, one she decided it was best she abstained from while their contracts were still rocky, Mira came home to find the front porch covered in dirt and plants. Blinking slowly, Mira came out of the car rather quickly, standing just shy of the start of the mess to figure out what was going on. They weren’t very large bushes, covered carefully like they’d been transported and delivered to their front door, so she couldn’t tell what exactly they were. Just that they were covered in dirt… and that the dirt beside the walkway to their front door had already been torn up.
Just before she could call for her, Rumi appeared from the other side of the house, tugging a hose behind her. She was filthy, covered in dirt, which clung to her by the sweat dripping off of her, her hair escaping its braid at her temples and clinging to her cheeks… Why was she still so goddamn hot?
“Oh hey! You’re back already?” Rumi called when she spotted Mira, smiling sheepishly, “Sorry, I meant to have the way cleared before you got back.”
“Ended up being a short meeting,” Mira shrugged, shifting her weight to one leg and resting a hand on her hip, “I’m not going with him, if the company catches wind of the rumors, they’ll drop us and we need this contract before we go under.”
Rumi’s smile dropped into a frown, then she sighed, pulling the hose a bit more to her side. “I’m sorry, yeobo, that’s… hard.”
“I’m just glad we have work at all right now,” she admitted in a sigh, then pointed towards the covered plants, “now what exactly are you doing?”
“Well, I wanted to surprise you, but since you’re here, pull the top off one of them,” Rumi gestured, starting to spray down the dirt she tore up for the four bushes she had.
Raising an eyebrow, Mira glanced at the dirt splayed out over the walkway, then sighed, she’d just have to wipe off her shoes later. Stepping to the closest bush, she took a bit of time removing the coverings, mostly because she didn’t want to accidentally hurt the plant at all. Rumi was quite serious about her plants. When she finally pulled the last of the wrapping off, the bush didn’t expand like she expected, it just fell to the sides. Most of it was green, but in several places around the top, closed flower buds were gathered in a thick collection, unbloomed from being covered, though Mira was sure Rumi had a plan for that. What stood out immediately to Mira was the color. The flowers were pale pink, definitely not the same shade as her hair, but if Mira had learned anything from Rumi over the years, it was that flower colors had meaning.
Looking over at Rumi, she was still getting the dirt wet, but now she was looking at Mira, a warm smile on her dirt smudged face. “Are all of them pink?” Mira asked, glancing over the other bushes.
“They are,” Rumi confirmed, turning off the water, her focus completely on her mate, “they’re for you, yeobo.”
Mira’s heart was already threatening to burst before she could even ask the question she knew Rumi was actually waiting for. “And what do they mean?” She asked, already smiling.
“They’re pink hydrangeas,” Rumi informed her proudly, her smile growing bigger by the second, “a symbol of love and affection. There’s a lot of symbolism that can be associated with gratitude and acceptance, but-“
While Mira usually adored listening to Rumi talk on and on about whatever plant she was working on, she was equally unable to stand still. Not when her heart was trying to explode out of her chest, not when she needed to be near her partner now. The dirt and mud were forgotten, Mira walking straight towards Rumi, all but jumping on her and throwing her arms around her shoulders to kiss her. Rumi let out a surprised, muffled yelp, but her arms immediately wrapped around Mira, stumbling back a step before catching herself, holding her close as they kissed.
It wasn’t their first kiss since things got easier, but for Mira, it was everything. All her love, all her adoration for the woman that stood by her through every mistake, every trial she failed, yet loved her anyway. When they parted, Mira bumped their foreheads together lightly, smiling so brightly she was sure her face would hurt later. “I love you, Ryu Rumi,” she whispered in the small space between them, “I love you so, so much.”
“And I love you, Kang Mira,” Rumi whispered back, a happy rumble like a purr resounding in her chest, “…And I’m also sorry I ruined your shirt.”
Mira laughed, dropping off of Rumi to look down at herself. She hadn’t picked anything fancy, thankfully, she and Roman had been informal with each other for a while now, so she hadn’t seen the need. That turned out to be a good thing considering her shirt and jeans were now smeared in dirt and sweat.
“It’ll wash,” she waved off her mate, glancing down to see her shoes were absolutely soaked, but she didn’t care enough to complain. Looking back up at Rumi, she found her mate smiling at her, eyes soft with love, her smile as easy as it had always been. She’d ruin her entire wardrobe right then and there if it meant seeing her mate smiling like that more. “Since I’m already gross, do you want a hand?” She offered, gesturing to the awaiting bushes, “I imagine they need to get planted soon.”
“Shit! Yeah, actually, if you want to,” Rumi gathered up the hose and set it aside, waving Mira on with a grin, “sooner we get them planted, sooner we can both shower.”
“Is that an invitation?” Mira teased, smirking as Rumi paused and blushed.
“…Ask me after we get these planted.”
“Deal.”
In truth, Rumi barely needed the help, but being around her again, offering her tools or moving things as asked? Mira felt the most normal she had in months. It was easy to smile again, watching her mate and listening to her continue to talk about the hydrangeas excitedly. There was still more to do, still countless mistakes Mira needed to make up for, but for now, for today? She’d indulge in the normalcy. In the closeness with Rumi, in just one happy, peaceful day.
That was enough for her.