Work Text:
"have you ever been in love before, kanade?" said mafuyu.
it was a very abrupt question, it was after the daily nightcord meeting, and they were enjoying some ramen in kanade's kitchen, an occasion only allowed by mafuyu every so often, as she worried about kanade's health. mafuyu tended to ask questions that could seem out of place or odd, but before she asked these she usually asked about how their day went, or for kanade, how her demo was playing out and to make sure to not overwork herself.
the kitchen was silent for about 10 seconds before kanade very politely responded by choking on her steaming hot cup of fresh instant ramen noodles before replying.
"i can't tell, honestly. i've been trying to figure it out for a while now. do i like them? do i like them not? i can't really find the difference here. but, maybe," kanade said while her voice softened
"me too. it's quite hard to figure it out isn't it?" mafuyu replied, matching the tone of her voice to kanade's.
what mafuyu didn't tell kanade was that the person mafuyu was trying to figure out if she liked was infact kanade. kanade yoisaki. yoisaki kanade. an angel, really. why was it so hard for mafuyu to tell the difference between platonic love or romantic love? even homoerotic love. it was too confusing. debating between whether the concept of dating was enjoyable to you. deciding whether you wanted to kiss them, or if you just wanted to admire them. the feeling of believing you will lose the possibly romantic love you have for them if you enter a relationship with them. the wonder why you gained these unnecessary feelings for your good friend. then there was the art of wanting them to stay by your side at all costs. when you missed them every moment they weren't around you, holding you dearly in their arms. the looks they gave you, over and over, like they were trying to tell you something.
"why do you ask?" kanade's voice pierced through mafuyu's thoughts, putting her back on track. kanade had thrown her cup of ramen away and put the chopsticks in the sink, signaling for mafuyu to do the same and that this was a conversation for the couch.
mafuyu had walked over and sat on the couch next to where kanade had taken her spot, and began to speak.
"because, i believe i am in love with you. i'm sorry. i never wanted to be, i knew it would make it harder for the both of us. i'm so sorry i had to fall in love with you."
"don't say sorry, mafuyu. it's not wrong. it's not something you can control. if you don't mind me asking, what are some things that helped you realize you were inlove with me?"
"i don't know, really. it's just because you're you, kanade. the way you always care about me, all of nightcord. i find it nice that you struggle with self care, and i help you, it makes me feel really happy."
at this point, mafuyu was starting to cry a flow of never ending tears, dry shirt gaining spots of hot wet tears.
"the-the way i always want to be around you, hugged by you, looked at by you, it hurts. so please, say something else, answer my statement, please."
"i-i'm sorry, mafuyu but i just don't think i like you like that. sure, i love you, but only platonically, but i hope we can still be friends." kanade said, sounding like she too was about to cry.
"it's alright, kanade. i wasn't expecting you to feel the same. in truth, i was hoping you would say that. i do hope we can still be friends, but the reason i'm glad you rejected me was because of you had liked me, i would've not known what to do. i would've done something stupid. so, thank you." mafuyu answered. the tables had turned when mafuyu made another statment. "can i ask why you always were so touchy and close even though you don't like me like that? i don't mind it, but now that i know, it feels like you were forcing yourself to act that way. the way you always held your hands out for a hug, the way you texted me first whenever you had a problem. i don't know if it was casual, or if not. the way mizuki and ena told us that we should be in a relationship. the way you latched onto me. the way you admitted that you liked me more than all the other members of our friend group. was it casual? it probably was. but it didn't really feel like that, did it?!" kanade didn't quite know how to respond to that. internally, she was panicking. panicking a whole fucking lot. but there was one thing she hadn't told mafuyu. she let out a shaky breath and started to speak. "mafuyu. i don't know. was it casual? was it not? i can't tell. i can't tell anything anymore! i wish i could know! i really, really wish i fucking could!" this tone of kanade's voice was louder and harsher than mafuyu had ever heard her speak before. it was all of kanade's built up emotions over all the years coming out of her mouth with a tsunami of anger. hatred and anger. it was anger and hatred towards herself for letting her father get hospitalized. she was angry at herself for letting her mom die. it wasn't in her control. it never would be, but maybe she could find a way. "maybe i like you, maybe you're the love of my life, maybe we're soulmates, or maybe we were never meant to meet at all, mafuyu! but i don't know! i don't understand my own feelings anymore. everyday i wish i could." kanade was now choking on her tears, not seeming to have a ending. kanade then rushed into hug mafuyu, still sitting on the couch, so really just her waost going forward and burying her face into mafuyu's stomach. "i-ii'm sorry, mafuyu... i really am.." "let's just..forget this." said mafuyu in return.