Work Text:
2014
Feelings sucked. Eighteen-year-old Cheol had decided this with resolution and assuredness. Feelings sucked, especially when they were someone else’s and there was nothing he could do about them but he felt responsible for the feelings so that just made him feel guilty and sad and stressed and just all of those feelings that didn’t just suck but really fucking sucked.
And the feelings he was feeling most right now were frustration and panic and guilt and worry. Like constantly. All of the time. He felt like he was going to throw up, also all of the time. Which may be due to the frustration and panic and guilt and worry, but could also just be due to his really quite atrocious diet. The jury was still out.
But right now, that didn’t matter. Right now, what mattered was finding out why one of his members crying uncontrollably in a dark room. ‘Exactly what my training as a singer prepared me for’ he thought to himself, rolling his eyes with a huff.
He eased his way into the room, slowly sliding down to sit awkwardly next to the sobbing boy he had known for only a year. Any other day he would think about how close the two of them had gotten, how much he trusted the other, and enjoyed his company. Right now though, he was just realizing how little they actually knew each other. How little he actually understood of what being a leader was. He took a shaking breathing along with the sob that racked the other boys huddled up form.
“What happened Jeonghan? Why are you upset?” Cheol tried to keep his voice as soft as possible but even as he spoke, he winced. He didn’t know how to handle these things. He wasn’t good at this. Why did people think just because he was the oldest, he knew what he was doing? But approaching the other seemed to be the right thing because he looked up from where he had buried his face in his arms, nose and face wet with tears and snot.
“I fucking failed, Seungcheol, that’s why I’m upset. And you know I did, so don’t even try to tell me I didn’t,” Jeonghan wiped his face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, breaths short and hiccupping. “I feel like such an idiot.”
Cheol’s eyebrows furrowed, “You are not an idiot, okay? You are not an idiot. You made a mistake but that’s okay. You realized you made a mistake, and you can do better next time.”
“But what if I can’t?” Jeonghan whimpered, wrapping himself up tighter, pulling at the sleeves of his sweatshirt before letting his head drop to Seungcheol’s shoulder.
“I’m not going to let you fail, you know,” Cheol whispered, resolute ignoring the flutter in his stomach as Jeonghan’s cheek pressed against his t-shirt.
“I…Never mind,” Jeonghan bit his lip, cheeks flushing, like he was scolding himself for even thinking of something.
“What? What is it?” Cheol shifted slightly, trying to make eye contact with the singer. “You can tell me anything, I promise.”
Jeonghan sighed, “Just want to chop it off.”
“Chop what off?” Cheol asked gently.
“My hair,” Jeonghan spit out, “It’s stupid, I know.”
“Did…is your hair what caused your mistake?” Cheol asked quietly, confusion clear on his face and Jeonghan hiccupped a small laugh.
“No, idiot. I just…It’s just gross. I just…Every time I mess up it just reminds me that I’m not here ‘cause I can sing, or dance, or am good at talking, I’m just here to be…pretty.”
Seungcheol opened his mouth to say something, because he knew that couldn’t be true, but Jeonghan continued.
“I hate that this is the only thing I’m worth. I hate that this is the only thing I get compliments on. I hate it. And it doesn’t even feel like mine. Like it’s…it’s everyone else’s even though it’s on my head. Even though I grew it,” Jeonghan shrugged, defeated.
He had been informed a few months ago he would be debuting with long hair. The thought appealed to him at the time, assured that it would be the thing to draw people in, to capture attention of fans and brand deals and gigs. But as every centimeter grew, something began twisting in Jeonghan’s stomach. He sighed, opting for the easiest words that would come to him.
“It doesn’t really make sense but I…I want to do well. And every time I fuck up, and my voice cracks and my placement is shit and I can’t get a dance it just reinforces that I’m only here cause of my hair? Which is so fucking stupid. Like that’s the only value I have, which I know logically is not true, but it really feels that way. And I’m not even in control of how I look right now. The only thing I can control right now is performing well, and I fucked that up and…and…it’s frustrating, you know?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I know,” Cheol sighed, shifting to let his hand rest open on his leg. Jeonghan naturally let their fingers intertwine, like he had seen his hyung’s do so often with their younger members when offering support. They had all been reeling at the idea that their appearances and bodies weren’t truly theirs in the same way their peers were. Dressing the right way, weighing the right amount, having the right hair. Cheol knew it affected the other members, but he hadn’t realized the toll it had already taken. He scolded himself momentarily in his head for not realizing what was occurring sooner before stopping himself. Scolding himself wasn’t going to help Jeonghan, who was still curled up next to him with a pink nose and watery eyes.
“Is there anything I can do?” Cheol asked, keeping his voice low and steady.
“No,” Jeonghan pouted.
“Really? Nothing? Nothing works to make you feel better? Feel like you have some sort of control over your hair? Anything?” Cheol asked, smiling slightly as Jeonghan pouted even more, although his tears had finally stopped.
“I mean. Kind of,” Jeonghan trailed off, worrying at his cuticles.
“Hm?” Cheol asked and Jeonghan blushed furiously.
“I mean it’s not anything you can do. I just need to do it I just kinda. I wallow and then feel worse and worse and then I do it and feel better,” Jeonghan explained like a petulant kid, refusing to maintain eye contact. But his tears were gone, and his breathing was even and Seungcheol decided the most leader-like thing to do was to push it.
Cheol smirked, “Okay what is it? Do we need to go get drunk or something?”
Jeignhan smacked him half-heartedly and Seungcheol giggled, praising himself in his head for the smile on the other boy’s face.
“No, idiot. I uh. Well, when I was little, if I ever had a bad day, my mom would make me a bubble bath. And she would wash my hair, and comb it, and it always felt so nice,” He became shy again, blushing furiously and Cheol giggled, squeezing his hands.
“That’s adorable,” He smiled as Jeonghan blushed even more, curling in on himself.
“No, it’s fucking mortifying that I told you that now go away,” Jeongahn said, voiced muffled by his sleeves, but Cheol could hear the smile in his voice.
“Nope. Sorry but as your leader, I am required to take care of you,” He grinned, standing and pulling the other up. “We don’t have a bath, but we are going to make the most of it, okay?
He had bought whatever smelled the nicest and cost the least from the corner drug store. He thought of Jeonghan’s smile, of having a bath one day, where the other boy could relax into the bubbles, and he’d light candles and play music, and- nope. He immediately shut it down. Not right now. They were just friends. Coworkers, really. He was just making him feel less bad. And that was important. That was his job as a leader. His growing hair was like half of the reason they had any fans anyways, and making sure Jeonghan was in a place to let it keep growing was a tactical move.
He jogged back from the convenience store, sunset already bleeding onto the low-hung horizon as he swung through their common area, dodging the younger members clambering over each other and squabbling about who was getting which dishes or whatever they were fighting for. He skidded to a halt at his room, knocking softly.
“Come in,” Jeonghan’s voice floated over the noise from the other rooms and Cheol pushed in, shyness suddenly stopping him dead in his tracks.
“Cheol?” Jeonghan asked tentatively, and Cheol shook himself, stepping forward silently to dump his haul onto the bed. Jeonghan gasped in excitement, and the anxiety in Cheol’s chest erupted into tingles at the sight of his bright smile. The other boy quickly began examining what he had bought, bringing the shampoo and conditioner up to his nose to inhale the scent deeply, eyes fluttering shut, sweet floral scents already bringing a calmness to him that hadn’t been there moments before. He smiled at the small bottle of shower gel and lavender body lotion, letting Seungcheol massage a small amount into his arm for him to test. They hadn’t gotten such nice smelling shower stuff in a while, having to stick to the cheapest bulk types that had scents like “rain” that really didn’t smell like anything other that being on a very tight budget. Jeonghan didn’t realize how much he missed that small luxury.
“Okay, go shower, then come back here, alright? Take your time, everyone else has already showered so use all the hot water that’s left,” Cheol piled the stuff he had bought and the fresh pajamas he had dug out from his drawers into his arms and herded him down the hall to the bathroom.
Cheol sat nervously the whole time, fiddling with the cheap comb he had also bought. God feelings were so stupid. He almost wished he had the ones from earlier back now because feeling warm and tingly for this long must mean he was coming down with a cold or something.
Jeonghan came out of the bathroom almost forty minutes later, glowing and smiley, all wrapped up in the freshly washed sweats Cheol had brought him, smelling of rose and lavender and Cheol just wanted to hug him and bite him? Nope too weird Choi, even for you. But he couldn’t stop himself, bringing the only slightly younger man into a hug, before sitting on his bed cross legged, grabbing the comb from where he had left it.
“Okay. Sit,” He motioned in front of him. Jeonghan sat obediently in silence, letting the album Cheol played from his mp3 slowly wash over him, eyes closed and breathing slow and calm as Cheol gently combed his hair, making sure to card through with blunt fingernails, smiling in success every time the other boy shivered slightly. And maybe he did spend a few extra minutes scratching his scalp. So what. He pulled the strands back, squeezing gently once more with a towel before glancing down at the instructions he had scribbled onto the piece of paper, separating his hair into three somewhat even pieces. Jeonghan’s heart lifted into his throat as he realized that Cheol was clumsily braiding his hair, and a smile played across his lips.
“There we go, all done,” Cheol whispered, never wanting the moment of peace and quietness with his member to end, while simultaneously being the most embarrassed he had been in a while.
“Thank you, Cheollie,” Jeonghan whispered quietly, and Seungcheol tried to stop the butterflies that built in his chest at the nick name and before his knew it, Jeonghan was pressing a warm kiss to his cheek, and he smelled like rose and lavender and Cheol stopped breathing all together.
Jeonghan gave him the sweetest little smile, eyes crinkling in in most infuriating way once more before retreating from the room, tracing fingers over the braid in his hair with a shy smile. Cheol flopped back onto his bed, throwing an arm over his face, grinning uncontrollably. He was fucked.
2016
Cheol found the missing member hiding in his room, once more sobbing into his hands, shoulders shaking and high breathy gasps shivering through him. Cheol sat down heavily next to him, immediately straightening his legs to allow Jeonghan to curl into his chest, hand carding through his auburn hair. They were more comfortable now, well-worn ease of touch and comfort pulling them to each other. Leadership still sat clumsy and heavy on Cheol’s shoulders, but at least uncertainty around what his members needed wasn’t there as he wrapped a secure arm around Jeoanghan’s waist. Cheol waited until Jeonghan’s sobs had subsided, scratching soothing patterns into his back, “Can I try to make you feel better?”
Jeonghan huffed a laugh, but his voice was rough and wobbly, face pink and blotchy, “In a moment. Let me just pout here for a little bit.”
Cheol smiled, nodding, “Okay. You can pout for five more minutes, and then I’m going to take care of you, okay?”
Jeonghan nodded in return, cuddling back own into the others chest before grabbing the other’s hand and putting it on top of his head. Cheol laughed gently, massaging his scalp as gently as possible, scratching the base of his skull with blunt fingernails until he could see the tension release from Jeonghan’s shoulders. The hair was dry between his fingertips and Cheol forced himself not to flinch at how damaged he knew Jeonghan’s scalp was from the bleaching and dying and straightening treatments their hair crew seemed to basically dunk the young man’s head into. He gently pulled apart a knot, knowing that most of Jeonghan’s prep times these days were painstakingly combing his hair, tears forming in his eyes out of frustration and exhaustion.
“Do you still hate it?” Cheol asked gently, watching as the locks fell naturally between his fingertips. It was longest it had gotten, and they were going to do their last performance before the stylists cut it, at Jeonghan’s insistence.
“Everyone likes it,” Jeonghan mumbled.
“Well, that wasn’t my question,” Cheol gently chided him and Jeonghan sat up with a sigh.
“I…I like how it makes me feel. I like how other people interact with me. With it. I like that the members play with it. I… but I don’t like that other people touch it. When they aren’t the members. And when people act like its theirs. Cause its mine,” Jeonghan said resolutely and Cheol’s chest swelled with pride slightly at the progress he had already made since their debut.
“That’s my boy,” Cheol smiled, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head, “I’m proud of you. For deciding to cut it. I think it will make you happy. And I’m glad you told our directors about it too, okay? That you stood up for yourself.”
Jeonghan huffed a laugh, knowing full well that Cheol had played a key role in the convincing process as well. But he let it slide, instead nodding in agreement “Yeah. I think I’ll feel better when its off.”
Cheol agreed with a hum, continuing to card his fingers through the roots of his hair, avoiding the ends. He didn’t need Jeonghan thinking about the length right now. Or what he liked. He wanted to comfort him, scratching calming circles along his hairline, smiling as the younger shivered slightly and pressed into his touch.
Minutes ticked by in comfortable silence and finally Jeonghan sighed, “Okay. Well?” Jeonghan glanced up at him.
“’Well’ what?” Cheol laughed at Jeonghan’s pout.
“I’m ready for you to make me feel better,” He said wrapping his arms around the other’s shoulders. Cheol sighed over dramatically before looping his arms under the other man’s knees and around his waist, hoisting them both up to standing.
“Well then, come one,” He cackled at Jeonghan’s shouts to be put down, both giggling and ignoring the “shut up!” that rang from the other bedrooms as they tumbled down the hall to the groups shared bathrooms.
He turned the shower on as Jeonghan sat on the sink, watching him contentedly. He shucked off his shirt and pants, testing that the water was hot enough with his hand, which was silly, the mirror was already fogged, before taking Jeonghan’s hand and pulling him into the spray. Both blushed profusely, still giddy at this new development over being undressed in front of each other, but the awkwardness had slowly begun to seep away into familiarity and comfort.
Jeonghan stood and let the warmth of the water run in rivulets over him as Cheol began to massage his hair, making sure it was thoroughly rinsed. He squeezed the final bit of shampoo onto his hands, claiming to be the scent of “day-break and memories of a warm summer” but really just smelled like vanilla and some flowers. Not his thing, but Jeonghan adored it. He lathered it up, working it into Jeonghan’s scalp, smiling as he watched the tension bleed from Jeonghan’s shoulders. He had lit a tiny candle in the bathroom earlier, and while the pine clashed slightly with the body soap and hair products, the light from the flame danced and warmed the room to a soft glow. Cheol combed Jeonghan’s hair carefully, watching the rivulets of bubbles wash down his body and into the drain, swirling around bare feet. It made Cheol’s heart ache a little.
Once the shampoo and conditioner were rinsed out to Jeonghans approval, and he had massaged the others neck and shoulders and temples, Cheol turned the water off, grabbing the fluffiest towel in the dorm his could find, which was a stretch even calling it fluffy, and passed it to Jeonghan, before efficiently drying himself off. He threw on his pajamas as quicky as possible, embarrassment now the shower was over catching up with him, but he let Jeonghan take his time, rubbing vanilla scented smelling lotion into his arms and legs. Cheol grabbed the leave in conditioner Jeonghan had resorted to using to keep his hair from breaking, rubbing it in his hands and gently combing it through Jeonghan’s drying hair. He sat on the counter this time, Jeonghan standing in between his thighs and leaning against him as he carefully braided his hair, the same simple three sections plait he had learned hurriedly those two years prior, now a little more practiced. The motions were slow and steady despite some fumbling, and the younger couldn’t help but breath with the gentle motions, and he could swear that his insides were melting at the attention Cheol was pouring out onto him. While nothing special or even pretty, Jeonghan’s eyes still lit up when he ran his hands over the uneven french braid, a pleased smile dancing across his lips.
They snuck back down to Cheol’s shared room, careful not to wake the rest of the dorm as they crawled into bed. Once they were finally cuddled under his thin dorm blanket, Cheol took a deep breath.
“You’re going to be okay,” Cheol said quietly, pulling the other young man close to him, fingers tangled against his scalp, thumb caressing the other man’s cheek softly, “And if anyone makes you feel bad about your hair, just let me know, and I will punch them, okay?”
Jeonghan snorted gently, “Promise?”
Cheol looked at him with shocking sincerity and Jeonghan’s heart leapt in his chest, “Promise.”
Jeonghan sat up a little closer, “Swear?”
Cheol let his hand cup the back of his neck, fingers intertwined with hair, “I swear.”
They stared at each other like this for a moment, breaths mingling, tension pushing them away and pulling them closer, knowing they were about to step onto unsure ground.
“A true swear requires a kiss” Jeonghan mumbled.
“Is that so?” He asked, twirling a strand between his fingers and Jeonghan nodded coyly. “Well then,” Cheol grinned, moving ever so slightly closer, “I swear it.”
Jeonghan grinned in return, surging forward to meet him, vanilla and summer and warmth flooding Cheol’s senses.
2019
Feelings were stupid. Twenty-six-year-old Seungcheol had decided this. Feelings meant he felt trapped and scared and anxious. Feelings meant guilt piled up around him as the number of emails and messages piled up in his inboxes. Feelings meant that the members looked at him with pity and worry and with tears in their eyes. Feelings meant he could feel himself spinning out. Feelings buzzed and roiled in his head and churned in his stomach all like an overfull pot of noodles spilling over the sides. He felt like he could burst. Like he could break.
He felt like he could cry.
The hotel felt too quiet, too empty, despite knowing that his room was one of hundreds. But these feelings always bubbled up whenever they were travelling, whenever they were on tour, he missed the comfortable closeness of the dorms now more than usual. He never thought he would ache for the days he had to sneak to the bathroom at two a.m. to not wake his four roommates, stepping over piles of sleeping members in the living room, bumping into hungry members in the kitchen.
He and Jeonghan had arrived at the hotel not four hours ago, and had silently made their way to Jeonghan’s bedroom, curling up into bed together. Neither had said a word yet. They hadn’t said anything on the drive back from the concert. All their words had been spent in the dressing rooms, assuring their members they were okay. That they were just going on a short break. That the tours and the award shows and the performances could continue without them. The members were moving on to the next stop. Cheol and Jeonghan were staying at the hotel one more day, and flying home the next.
“We will still be here,” Jeonghan had repeatedly softly over and over again as the younger ones had sniffled, some crying more obviously than others when they updated the rest of the group on the situation, and Cheol had wanted to hide in a hole somewhere to never been seen again.
He squirmed at the memories of leaving his members, panic tightening in his chest as he thought about all of the broken promises and broken commitments and broken-
“Cheollie? Babe, just breath,” Jeonghan’s voice commanded and Seungcheol obeyed out of habit, pulling air in through his nose, a steady stream out through his mouth, “That’s it. A few more for me love.”
Cheol shut his eyes, hot tears dripping from his eyes as he forced himself to inhale through his nose, pulled into the present as Jeonghan cuddled closer to him, warm hands linking with his, legs tangled together, lips pressing small kisses to his neck and cheeks and shoulder and he let the air stream out through his lips.
“Hey Hannie?” Cheol finally whispered, hating himself for how sensitive his voice sounded, how helpless and needy he was.
“Hm?” Jeonghan asked gently, thumb tracing quiet loops to the others inner wrist.
Cheol sighed, words dying on his lips, “No, it’s stupid,” he said, lip wobbling.
“No, no what is it?” Jeonghan rolled over on top of Cheol, chest to chest. His short brown hair stuck up in bed head and Cheol once again had to remind himself to breath. Even like this, dark circles under his eyes and hair askew and lips chapped, he was beautiful. He told him so. Jeonghan sighed, rolling his eyes.
“And you are very handsome. Even with snot all over your face,” He said so gently that Cheol couldn’t be mad. “But that isn’t what you were going to say.”
Cheol closed his eyes, smiling as he felt Jeonghan scoot even closer, pressing a kiss to his lips, chapped and dry but still sending a shiver down Cheol’s spine, warmth glowing slightly, illuminating the dark panic that seemed to have a death grip on his chest.
“I…Could I wash your hair?” Cheol asked quickly, embarrassment making his throat tight. Jeonghan sat for a moment, bewildered puzzlement crossing his face.
“Why?” Jeonghan asked quietly, no judgment present, never judgment, but some sort of awe almost, “You haven’t washed my hair in what, three years? I mean…it’s not as nice as it once was,” Jeonghan paused and Cheol let out a small huff as they both remembered the dry brittle bleached hair he had previously sported. With a small shake of his head, Jeonghan continued,” You’ll be disappointed.”
“What do you mean? I love your hair,” Cheol said, twisting the short strands between his fingers.
“You love long hair,” Jeonghan smiled at the teasing, but Cheol only grew more serious.
“I love your hair, Jeonghan, because I love you” Cheol said with a ferocity that stole Jeonghan’s breath for a moment. “Long or short, your hair is yours and part of you, and I love it.” He took a shuddering breath, hand cupping the others face, “And honestly I feel like absolute shit, and I know you do too. I feel fucking useless and scared, and I’ve disappointed everyone. Feel, like I have disappointed everyone,” he corrected himself before Jeonghan could. “I just want to do something useful. And nice. And not just laying here wallowing in…in…in absolute garbage.” Cheol finished with a sigh, “Just let me make you feel nice at least.”
“Oh Cheollie,” Jeonghan bent down, and their lips met in a kiss, soft and warm and tender in a way that made Cheol just want to cry harder. They parted a moment later, Cheol chasing his lips with gentle kisses as Jeonghan let his forehead rest against the other man’s, “Okay. Okay sure. Run a bath.”
Jeonghan stepped in after him, immediately scooting back to rest into Cheol;'s chest, letting the older member trace his hands up his arms and shoulders, goosebumps rising from the drips off his fingertips despite the steam that filled the air. The neutral scent of the hotel’s soap filled the air around them, and just like that Cheol was limbo, separate from the outside world.
He lathered up the soap, gently massaging Jeonghan’s scalp. It’s all he could do, really, but he loved watching the other sigh and react softly to his attention, watching him squirm as Cheol massaged his neck, scratching at the base of his skull, sending tingles down his spine. No tears were shed, and neither of them really knew if that was good or bad at this point. It felt like they should. Felt like they should cling to each other and sob. But Cheol poured luke-warm water gently over Jeonghan’s scalp, washing the shampoo out, washing off the days sweat, the days dissapointment and pain and confusion with it, calloused carefully pushing hair and soap away from Jeonghan's face.
His fingers stroked the back of Jeonghans head, with now practiced precision plaiting a few tiny four strand braids with the longest parts of his hair, combing them out again with his finger tips.
They sat in the tub liek this until the water turned cold, and maybe even a little longer after that. No music played, only the splashing of water against the edge of the tub and occasionally breaths echoing against the tile.
“They are going to be okay,” Jeonghan murmured when they finally stepped out of the tub, rinsing off with warm water, wrapping themselves in the fuzzy hotel bathrobes. Cheol nodded, shoulders still tensed, despite everything.
He curled a piece of Jeoghan’s hair between his fingertips, squeezing a drop of water to the floor. “I know,” He said finally, teeth closing with a snap as he took another unsteady breath, the feelings of guilt and failure looming.
“Hey,” Jeonghan caught his chin with his hand thumb tracing the muscles in his jaw, “You are also going to be okay.”
Cheol sighed, eyes once again welling up though no tears dropped, “I-I know.”
Jeonghan pulled him into a hug, “No matter what happens. Or what we need to do. They aren’t going to leave you Cheollie.” He pressed a kiss to his cheek, “I’m not going to leave you. you just don’t…Just don’t leave me, okay? Don't leave us.”
Cheol buried his face into Jeonghan’s still wet, dripping hair, the scent of the hotel shampoo and soap somehow bringing him back from the edge of panic. The fact that was even a fear in the other mans mind was like a knife twisting in his stomach and the tnesion in his body dropped like a string held taut was suddenly cut. Despite everything that was happening outside of those walls, Jeonghan was right in front of him. And Jeonghan needed him.
“I would never leave you love. Any of you.”
Jeonghan pulled back, holding out his hand, “Promise?”
Cheol linked their little fingers together, “Promise.”
“Swear?” Jeonghans voice quavered, and for a moment he was eighteen years old again, the uncertainty of his future once again weighing down on his chest, feeling impossibly, incomprehensibly big. Looking to Cheol for any sign that there was going to be a future where anything could be okay.
“I swear.”
Jeonghan smiled, drops of water tracing down his face, mingling with salty tears that he didn’t realize had started unbidden again, “You know what they say about swears, babe.”
The leader laughed in spite of himself, salt blooming in his mouth as he pressed forward, sealing their lips, “Literally only you say that baby.”
2024
Cheol ran his hands through Jeonghan’s red hair. It was getting long again, silky smooth strands weaving between his fingers. It hadn’t been this soft and this long in years. While it had been longer in the past it had been dry and fragile from bleaching and dyeing. Jeonghan hadn’t let him touch it much when it was like that. But now Cheol ran his hands along his scalp, smiling as Jeonghan shifted and wiggled at the sensation.
“Can I wash your hair?” he mumbled into his neck during their water break as they leaned against each other.
“I’m sweaty and gross Cheollie,” Jeonghan smiled, dropping a kiss to the top of his head.
“Well yeah that’s why we are washing it silly,” Seungcheol smiled. “Please?”
Jeonghan sighed in defeat although anyone could tell it wasn’t a burden, “Okay. I think the kids are going to the gym with Hoon after rehearsal, so we should have the dorm to ourselves.”
Cheol smiled, winking at Jihoon who just rolled his eyes in response, “Oh what a good coincidence.”
They stood as the water ran over them, gently swaying back and forth. Contours of their bodies had shifted and changed over the years but they still fit together perfectly. Jeonghan stayed content and curled up in Seungcheol's arms, which rested assured around his waist and over his shoulders, hands on the back of his neck, massaging gently. Jeonghan pressed gentle kisses to his neck, letting his teeth run gently over the others skin until he playfully scolded him.
“Do you want the makeup crew to fucking murder me again?” He mumbled and Jeonghan just giggled, placing a final kiss on his shoulder.
“Absolutely not. You are much cuter alive,” Jeonghan smiled up at him and Cheol’s heart leapt in his chest. His hair was wet and plastered to his face, his eyes were tired but still sparked with a light that had been there since day one. His face was bare from makeup, small freckles dotting his cheeks as rivulets of water cascaded down and Cheol promised himself in that moment to never let Jeonghan go.
“Alright then love, turn around,” Cheol smiled as Jeonghan giggled, turning to face away from him. Cheol poured the shampoo into his hands, remembering the cheap shit that he bought for Jeonghan all those years ago, smiling as he inhaled the scent- eucalyptus this month, bright and vibrant and comforting. Like Jeonghan. Like this ritual they had developed. He lathered it in his hands, waiting for it to foam before reaching forward to begin working it into the roots of Jeonghan’s hair. He gently worked it through, smiling as Jeonghan naturally tilted his head back so he could massage his hair line, sure movements preventing any suds from getting in his eyes.
Jeonghan sighed as Cheol’s blunt fingernails scratched into his scalp, applying pressure and working away the last bits of tension Jeonghan hadn’t realized he was holding. They stayed in relative silence, letting their “hair washing” playlist echo in the steaming bathroom, hums of contentment falling from Jeonghans lips, Cheol grinning at the others happy sounds. The mirrors fogged and the candles danced, bathing them in a warm orange glow, shadows enveloping them in the safety of their little ritual.
He combed the shampoo from his hair with his fingers, pushing the hair from his forehead with well-practiced motions, rubbing the stress and tension from his forehead. Cheol ran his fingers through the back of his hair a few more times, assuring no suds were left.
Jeoghan handed him the conditioner, pressing a quick kiss to his lips, licking at water droplets. Cheol scrunched his nose and smiled warmly, taking the bottle and turning him back around. He ruffled his hair, excess moisture flying out, before applying the smooth thick conditioner, running it through the strands over and over again. Jeonghan let his eyes fall closed at the repetitive motions, the hot water and steam and Cheol’s familiar assured touch allowing his sore and tired muscles to finally relax, breaths slow and steady.
“Still with me baby?” Cheols voice was rough and tingles sparked down Jeonghan’s spine as lips traced the lines of his shoulders, hands wrapping around his waist to join on his stomach, thumbs swiping across ribs.
“Mh,” Jeonghan leaned back into him, confident that Cheol would be able to hold his weight, and he grinned as his boyfriend naturally shifted, grip tightening to accommodate the other.
“Hey remember predebut?” Jeonghan whispered into Cheol's neck, hands intertwining with his, and the other snorted a laugh. “You were fucking terrified about saying something wrong,” Hannie laughed and Cheol gasped in mock annoyance.
“Um sorry that I never got training for what to do when the most attractive member says that the only way to make him happy is to give him a shower,” Cheol whined, biting Jeonghan's ear and promptly spluttering at the soapy taste of conditioner.
Jeonghan span around, grinning, “So you did have a crush on me?” He giggled and Seungcheol snorted, guiding him back into the spray of water to begin working the conditioner out of his hair.
“Shut up,” he said, bumping their noses together.
“Make me,” Jeonghan replied, grinning as Seungcheol swooped down, bringing their lips together, soft and warm and wet and Jeonghan brought his arms up around Cheol’s strong shoulders, squeezing impossibly closer into his hold. Water droplets dewed across Jeonghan's eyelashes and Cheol's shoulders, and strands of hair clung across Jeonghan’s forehead and Cheol took a second to comb them behind his ear with gentle fingers, pressing final pecks to his lips and cheeks and nose.
He finished washing Jeonghan’s hair like this, Jeonghans clinging to him as he dropped kisses, and occasional playful bites, every here he could reach. When the water finally ran clear Jeonghan quickly scrubbed himself clean and Seungcheol did the same, only stopping to glance at each other, giddy smiles unavoidable.
Cheol got out first, offering a hand to help Jeonghan over the edge.
“Why thank you sir,” Jeonghan said, smiling so cutely that Cheol couldn’t do anything but press a kiss to the back of his hand.
“Of course, my lord,” Cheol said, grabbing a fluffy white towel, plush and soft, a far cry from the rough used towels of their dorm years ago. Jeonghan even had a microfiber towel for his hair now. His face softened as he watched his boyfriend wrap his hair in the small soft towel, wiping steam from the mirror and dumping out the various creams and serums he was using now a days.
“You're gonna need to buy a ticket,” Jeonghan teased, making eye contact with Cheol in the mirror. He huffed a laugh, sure a blush would stain his cheeks if his face wasn’t already bright pink from the heat of the shower and the kisses Jeonghan had already stolen.
Cheol stepped forward, leaning his back against the counter so he could watch the other man. There was comfort in the silent companionship they found in each other. They weren’t crammed together 24-7 anymore, but somehow that didn’t make these moments of being together feel desperate or panicked like it would have been five years ago.
Jeonghan sighed, squeezing extra moisturizer onto his fingers, gently rubbing it into Cheols cheeks, “Being in love with me is no excuse to skip your skin care Cheollie,” he giggled as the leader rolled his eyes, batting his hands away.
“Okay, okay fine,” he grinned, finishing rubbing in the product as Jeonghan let his hear down, running his fingers through the damp strands.
“What color are you thinking next?” Cheol asked casually.
“I don’t know. I think it’s healthy enough to go blonde again,” Jeonghan shrugged, “I haven’t really thought about it.”
Cheol grinned. “You know I think little baby Jeonghan would lose his mind to hear you say that.”
Jeonghan smiled, “Yeah, well. It’s just hair.”
2025
The tile was still cold against Jeonghan’s feet a year later as he stared at himself in the same mirror, longer than he usually did now a days. His blonde curly hair reflected back at him, blue tips winging out in a halo over his shoulders. Cheol appeared behind him in the reflection, his warm clean scent washing over Jeonghan. They were uncharacteristically silent as Cheol wrapped an arm around his waist, kissing his shoulders, up his neck, lips dancing on the edge of his hair. Jeonghan let his eyes close, head dropping back to the other man’s shoulder. Cheol pressed one final long kiss to his temple, breathing him in.
“It’s just hair,” he whispered into his ear. “It is not your worth. You are still beautiful, and handsome, and worthy, no matter what love.”
Jeonghans heart skipped a beat, and he tangled his fingers with Cheols on his stomach, squeezing in acknowledgment.
“It’s just hair,” He repeated back, before taking a deep breath, shaking himself. “Well, the military probably won’t change their policy no matter how hot my boyfriend thinks I look with this hair, so, get cracking mister.”
Cheol laughed, stepping back to grab the borrowed clippers from the bag he had brought in. Jeonghan brought his shirt overhead, tossing it to the corner.
“You first?” Cheol asked, plugging the clippers in after finding the correct clip length.
“You,” Jeonghan whispered, turning back to the mirror.
Twenty minutes and a shower later they laid in Jeonghans bed, hands running over his freshly shaved head.
“It’s just hair,” Jeonghan smiled, bringing his leg over Cheol’s to sit in his lap, arms resting casually on the leader’s shoulders. The other man's hands naturally found his waist as he nodded in support.
“Yeah, I know baby,” he murmured, nuzzling into the other man’s inviting neck, the short hairs at the nape prickling against his cheek.
“It’ll grow back,” Jeonghan gently ran his own hand through Choel’s hair, and as his voice quivered slightly he was unsure if his said that for Suncheol's benefit or his own.
“I know,” Cheol repeated but his own voice shook in the same cadence as the weight of what was happening slowly settled down on their shoulders. Jeonghan had planned dinner with everyone for tomorrow, but tonight was just the two of them. It felt too personal.
Jeonghan pulled back, wiping a tear from his cheek, “Baby we knew this would happen.”
“You just look so fucking hot with short hair babe, I’m just so emotional cause I thought I loved my boyfriend just for his hair but tragically he is hot no matter what-hey!” Seungcheol joked even though his voice trembled. He let Jeonghan push him back with a playful shove.
“You just like the idea of a man in uniform,” he said, letting their fingers tangling, pulling back in just as easily as he pushed away.
Cheol laughed, “I like the idea of you in uniform babe,” He smiled, their lips finding each other in the moment of levity. “I’m just…I’m going to miss you, Hannie,” he murmured, hand finding his cheek with ease. Jeonghan let his head drop gently into the warmth of his palm, his eyes shutting as he basked in the other mans gaze. They sat in comfortable silence for a moment, letting the bustle of the world outside smooth the edges of the room until it was just the two of them. Like it always ended up being at the end of the day.
“More importantly. How are you feeling about it, baby?” Cheol finally murmured, and Jeonghan smiled, eyes blinking slowly open.
“I think…I think I feel okay,” He said, finally pulling away to look the other man steadily in the eye. “I think…I’m never going to like being told what to do with my hair. I think that’s just the part of me that got into the wrong industry.”
Cheol huffed a laugh as the other man continued, eyes searching the room like he was trying to find the right words laid out in front of him. “But honestly, as frustrating as it is still, feeling like I am not in control of my own body…I feel lighter. I’m still me. Regardless.” He blushed furiously as he glanced back down at Cheol’s adoring gaze, hitting his shoulder, “And you’re still fucking embarrassing babe.”
Cheol laughed, pulling him into a hug and flipping his over so his back was on the bed. He peppered his head with kisses, short, soft hair prickling against his lips, the scent of citrus and fresh linen filling his chest.
“I love you. So, so, so much. And I am so, so proud of you,” Choel murmured. Jeonghan smiled, pressing a kiss to his jaw, basking in the leaders affection.
“I love you too. And for the record, because I didn’t say it before. I’m gonna miss you too Cheollie. Probably more than I will miss my hair. Maybe.”
“Didn’t know you also had to cut off your boyfriend to join the military,” Cheol pouted as Jeonghan continued to giggle.
“See! That one was funny! C’mon I-Cheol!” Jeonghan shrieked as Seungcheol lifted his shirt, tickling him. “Cheol we were having a touching moment! Babe our last night together cannot be like this! That’s not romantic!”
2026
Jeonghan’s black hair glistened in the afternoon sun as he jogged towards where Cheol was waiting for him. The air was warm and dust motes floated lazily on the thick lazy breeze, Jeonghan's hair, once again long enough to tuck behind his ears blew across his face.
“You’re a free man!” Cheol joked, wrapping his strong arms wrapped around his waist, spinning him around and around until Jeonghan tapped his shoulder in defeat, laughing as he stumbled back unsteady, the giddiness bubbling up not entirely the fault of Cheol’s celebration.
“Baby you saw me like two weeks ago,” Jeonghan chided and Cheol rolled his eyes.
“Yeah maybe. But now we can go drink together and I can brag about you in public, okay?” Choel pressed a kiss to his head as they linked hands, their feet automatically taking them towards their lunch destination.
“True. And, I have an idea of how to celebrate,” He smiled, tossing his head to look up at Seungcheol with huge persuasive eyes. Cheol blushed, tucking a lock of Jeonghan’s hair behind his ear.
“I think I have a few ideas as well,” He murmured. Their steps paused for a moment as their lips found each other with the ease of years in the motion, and 30-year-old Seungcheol decided that maybe feelings didn’t suck as much as he thought.