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Koichi immediately puts their baby up for adoption. He stands in one of the crowded hallways of Fuji TV and shouts, “FREE BABY,” to amused staff members until his manager takes the little bag of rice away from him and brings it to Tsuyoshi instead.
“I think this means I’m winning,” Tsuyoshi says, stuffing the baby in his pocket.
Koichi flops down on the sofa across from him. “I’m going to quit and get a college degree in something,” he decides.
Tsuyoshi grunts encouragingly and updates their baby log.
Day One,
Points deducted for questionable parenting: 1
Points deducted for attempting to eat the baby: 0
Total Score: something, whatever
--
“So,” Nakai says, “people watching this show might not know about the side project many Johnny’s groups are doing, so why don’t you explain what it is?”
Takizawa and Tsubasa glance at each other.
“Well,” Takizawa says, clearing his throat. “The project is…well. I…uh. It’s kind of—”
Tsubasa holds up a purple velvet pouch with pink thread for hair and small blue gems for eyes. The audience choruses, “Awww!”
“Wow,” Nakai says, whistling. “You customized it.”
“Isn’t she cute?” Tsubasa asks, beaming. “We did it together.”
Takizawa flushes and waves his hands frantically. “Wait, wait—we didn’t do it, that sounds—”
Nakai leans in and pats the baby’s head. “Very cute!” he says. Then, with a small smirk, “But isn’t this kind of like giving your baby plastic surgery?”
Takizawa and Tsubasa freeze.
--
Jun makes a noise of horror. “What did you do to him?”
Nino waves his hand and yawns. “Look, it was getting dirty in my bag. This’ll keep it clean.”
“Washing him would also keep him clean, you know.”
“Babies don’t like baths,” Nino says.
“That’s cats,” Jun says, slightly hysterical. “Okay, look, I think you’ve spent enough time with him. Just let me do—” He cuts himself off and frowns. “You’re trying to get out of this by being a horrible father, aren’t you?”
Nino makes a halfheartedly indignant noise. “Would I put a hole through our baby’s head for that? I just thought he’d make a cute keychain.”
“We’re getting a divorce right now.”
--
“So, we should update everyone on how our baby’s doing,” Hina says.
“Stop calling it that,” Yoko groans.
“And you stop calling Anko it.”
“It’s a bag of rice! You’re the one who sounds weird calling it a ‘her’!”
“You were singing to her yesterday!”
“It was a joke!”
“No, no, hang on. This guy, right? He’s in the dressing room all by himself with our baby—”
“IT’S NOT A BABY.”
“—singing ‘Glass no Shounen’ to her.”
“I WASN’T SINGING TO HER. I WAS TRYING TO PRACTICE MY SINGING AND SHE HAPPENED TO BE WITH ME BECAUSE YOU KEEP SITTING ON HER.”
“I only did that once!”
“TWICE. YOU DIDN’T NOTICE THE SECOND TIME.”
“Why didn’t you tell me!?”
“I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO GUILT ME INTO SAYING SOMETHING.”
“THAT MAKES NO SENSE.”
“DON’T YELL IN FRONT OF THE BABY.”
--