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White had a couple of concerns about the future.
Though they were mostly all personal, when they were not largely affected by the concept of climate change and global warming. They were concerned about the trajectory of their relationships with their ‘family’, with the decisions that they had made regarding it in the past. They knew what was going to happen and it still felt like a bit of a gamble, even if for themselves.
Was that something they needed? Would this go down well for them? It was really complicated, and White got a little frustrated by having to think so deeply into it.
It wasn’t like they were really considering the alternative, dumping Green so that they could regain their parents’ favour. They knew upon retrospect that was exactly what their parents wanted them to do to keep them in line, and White had already worked so hard to go their own way. It had been a few weeks since their argument with their parents, and contact hadn’t been any better with the newfound distance, but Green had been a wonderful help the entire time.
Their family, too. They didn’t seem to know everything that had gone on but they knew enough about their mood to be especially friendly to them. They started bringing them gifts from their farm, and inviting them over whenever they wanted to, integrating them properly into the family dynamic that they had made for themselves. Though it was still hard for White to consider them that way since they didn’t really feel like they deserved it, the security was something they could at least appreciate.
They were scared of having nothing, that was where the issue lied. That, at one point, Green would leave them, and White would face the harrowing reminder that Green’s family was not actually their family, and then all of a sudden they would have nothing. Well, maybe that would be an exaggeration, since they had all their money still, but they wouldn’t have anyone that they had a deep connection with. If anything went wrong, there would be no one there to catch them when they fell.
It wasn’t an idea they were able to grapple with.
They thought about this idea a lot while they were getting ready for bed. Green was staying with their parents that evening, and White dimly thought that they could just call them and ask for some reassurance, but couldn’t push themselves to actually do so. So they allowed their thoughts to fester all the way through brushing their teeth, getting dressed into their pyjamas, and slipping into their bed.
Their bed felt weirdly large. Of course it was large, this bed could fit about three people and still be roomy, but White had gotten so used to ‘large’ that it basically didn’t clock to them anymore. Except for tonight, when they were alone, no oddly warm partner intruding on their pillow space when they had a perfectly fine one on their own to use.
White had gotten way too used to Green using this place like a second home, that it felt like a large part of them was missing. That they felt incomplete, too cold and light under the duvet covers in that very way that they had been afraid of. When the day was over, when the sun was gone, this is what would come afterwards, and they didn’t exactly know how to cope with it.
They weren’t good with… ‘coping’. They never really experienced substantial hardship that they needed to cope with anything. And of course, a lot of problems are significantly easier to deal with when you’re as wealthy as White is, who could just pay someone to distract them until they weren’t thinking about their issue anymore. Green was like that for them without any sort of payment, just doing it for the love of the game and for their partner. But again, they were alone, and all they could do was shut their eyes and hope that the feeling went away by the time that the morning came.
–
They don’t wake up in the morning. It was still night when their eyes opened, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling.
They chalked it down to the fact that it was dark. They couldn’t see properly, so their eyes were perhaps misunderstanding their environment. They rubbed at their face in an attempt to scrub some of the sleep from their eyes, hoping to clear up their vision, but this didn’t help their comprehension.
Because White quickly realised that this was not their ceiling. The textures were different, and the overhanging lights had a new design that they didn’t remember substituting.
And they could feel a numbness on their arm, caused undoubtedly by the mass that White could feel pressing down on it.
What was going on? Where on earth were they? And who was–
Green was asleep on top of them. They could tell by the clumps of curly brown hair tickling their neck, with their partner’s head tipped downwards. They were very familiar, at least, with the birds nest that was their partners hair when they woke up from a particularly deep sleep, and that at least brought them some solace, but they were still lost on where they were. This definitely wasn’t Green’s bedroom– it was far too large for that, and there was no surrounding noise from any of their family members.
Something still felt off about their partner. They ran their hand down the top of their Green’s head and noticed that their hair was longer than they remembered, too much longer to be understood by any amount of time that they spent apart. And they noticed their partner was wearing different pyjamas, too, that they didn’t remember buying, with some cracked text on the front that White was only able to make out a couple letters of.
When did all this happen? Why hadn’t White known about any of it?
Seriously, what was going on? And why were they not getting any answers? It was starting to unnerve them a little bit.
They tried to rack their mind for when all these developments happened. When Green decided they wanted longer hair, when (they imagined) White decided that their room needed some redecorating, but nothing came to mind. And that was shocking for someone who could essentially remember their own birth with how good their memory was.
Nothing was right. Nothing was what they were used to, nothing held any sort of significant meaning to them. It felt like they had intruded upon someone else’s life temporarily, and their mind was trying to fill in the blanks with what minimal world knowledge they had.
This didn’t make any sense.
Slow, careful not to wake up their partner, White pushed themselves up onto their elbows. Maybe getting moving would help them to jog their memory of things. They rubbed their hand down their neck, surprised by the weird stiffness that they weren’t used to experiencing, and the brush of what felt like little bristles had them jolting their hand back in alarm.
Their hair was longer, too. It wasn’t significantly longer, but it was now starting to ruffle against the back of their neck, with a little swoop at the bottom. That, they can’t even begin to fathom. They had their hair trimmed regularly by a personal hair stylist who came over to their house, and they would never willingly let their hair get this overgrown. And yet, feeling through their hair, they couldn’t feel any dry ends, like it had been cut this way on purpose.
(They used to have a hairstyle like their father’s. Was that different, now?)
Their head felt a little blank. They were increasingly becoming more and more certain that they were not in their body, because they didn’t have any knowledge of letting their hair grow out like that. And when they pulled their hand away, glancing down at it, they noticed the same calibre of slimness, but a larger presence of veins betraying an age they hadn’t yet gotten to.
One hand felt down the other. It sure felt like their hand, but it didn’t look like it. They had private health care, after all, they tended to look a lot younger than they actually were in age.
So then… what was this supposed to be?
“White… why are you up?”
That was their partner’s voice.
Green, they could confirm it was actually them now, lifted their head, blinking groggily as they stared at White through the darkness.
But– hang on.
Green’s cheeks looked a little more deflated, shaping out a more angular expression on their face. There were faint lines forming on either side of their cheek, as well as each side of their eyes, betraying all the times that they had smiled throughout their life. Their eye bags were more prominent than what White thought, though their eyes were just as bright as they remembered. If not a little dulled by sleepiness.
When did they start looking so matured?
And why did that make White’s heart thump weirdly?
“What’s wrong?” They asked again, reaching up to cup their partner’s cheeks. They felt something cold press against one side, startling them into lightly moving the hand away to glance at the perpetrator.
A ring. With a considerably big diamond on it that White could only guess the price of. They watched it shine like a real gemstone, and spotted the fact it was specifically on their ring finger, and they stopped.
That was a wedding ring if they’d ever seen one.
Holy crap. Were they married??? Since when???
Their head snapped to the side, where their bedside table was. A small, velvety box sat beside a framed photo of the two of them in white, with White wearing a remarkably flashy dress. Somehow that still didn’t remind them of what their brain was missing out on.
“Whoof, uh. Yeah.” White responded, moving Green’s other hand away so that they could swing their legs over the end of the bed. This was a lot to take in all at once. Not only did they not know how to cope with the fact that they were married (for what they thought was young, but now they can’t be sure), but they had to cope with the fact they missed it.
White looked younger than Green in the portrait, they observed. They could see the make up on their face, but also the hollow dips that were forming in their face that they were evidently trying to conceal. It was probably the first time they could ever think where White would be assumed to be younger than their partner with a couple year age gap, since they didn’t really look that different when they were in their early 20s.
Now… How old were they now? How much time did they miss, and how were they supposed to make up for it?
They had pushed Green away like they were a stranger, which is what they essentially were. This Green… They didn’t know anything about them. They didn’t know how to interact with their new spouse.
“White?” Green went crawling after them, clearly not convinced by their breathy answer. They sat on their knees beside them, watching them with their pretty eyes.
“You… shouldn’t wear jewellery like that in bed. It could damage it.” White commented, trying to seem unaffected. The both of them knew that wasn’t it, but Green indulged it enough to pull the ring off their finger, and delicately place it down on the bedside table next to their side of the bed.
“Sorry.” Green giggled, retreating to their seat, “I keep forgetting. Usually my jewellery is fake.”
So it was real.
“You have to be more careful.” White scolded, but there was no real frustration in it, “I don’t think I woke up right.”
“That’s weird.” Green commented, resting their chin on White’s shoulder.
They’re right, it was weird. Even if they did wake up at–
–they checked–
–oh, it was 3 AM. Anyway, even if they did wake up at 3 AM, they still shouldn’t feel this disoriented.
“Maybe you’re still tired?” They suggested finally.
“No, it’s not that.” White answered, “It’s me. I don’t feel like myself.”
“Oh… right.” Green hummed, “Do you want tea? Tea always makes you feel better.”
“...I wouldn’t want to bother you so late.” White insisted.
Green sat up straight, “It doesn’t bother me! I want to do it!”
White ended up being pulled down the hallway. They began to learn that they lived in a completely different home now to the one that they remembered, and they noticed that there was a door with a little pink name plate on it. They’d already moved past it by the time that White could ask about it, going downstairs to their kitchen.
There wasn’t anyone there, but Green went on to boil the kettle anyway, all as White sat there quietly. They didn’t know who they were anymore, when they couldn’t find anything to talk to Green about. They glanced around them, trying to understand their new home a little more.
It was a nice atmosphere, far more decorated and colourful than White’s old place used to be. Even as the first time they had really been in it, they could still feel the amount of love that was in this household. They could see items left haphazardly around the place (like a toy, weirdly?), and framed photos decorating the countertops. One that particularly grabbed their attention was a picture of Green in a uniform that vaguely resembled that old Captain’s, saluting at the camera with a massive grin plastered on their face.
Oh… that was nice. Green got to achieve their goal after all. And they were still able to be together while that happened.
Maybe that meant the same for them. They could still have what they want, with their partner by their side. But mostly, what they wanted was security. Personal contentment without worry.
This whole time, they hadn’t been thinking about their parents.
“That reminds me. “Green spoke up, and White noticed that they were watching them, “Why do you like that picture so much? I mean, you’re always looking at it.”
Were they? White supposed they weren’t that different from this version of themselves, then.
“You look happy.” They responded, without having given it much thought, “It’s nice to see.”
“Gosh, and that’s so nice to hear, too… you always say the sweetest things.” Their head turned back when the kettle had finished boiling, wiggling it around to pluck it off the stand.
“Captain…” White commented, even if it was mostly a guess, “That’s big.”
“And really, really scary.” Green answered, as they timidly tried to pour water out into two cups, “I’m really happy! But I didn’t realise how much responsibility it would be to take care of so many people at once.”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it.” White assured, with a cup being slid in their direction once a tea bag had been placed into it, “You took care of your little siblings for so long, didn’t you? How is it any different from that?”
Green came around to sit beside them, “I didn’t think about it like that. That makes sense… if my crew are my family, then they’re kinda like my little siblings.”
“That’s the spirit.” White crooned. They reached over and lightly brushed one of Green’s cheeks with their fingers, tilting their head to the side, “I like what you do.”
They took great satisfaction in watching Green’s cheeks turn a little red, averting their eyes, “Well- you know. All in a day’s work?”
“Something like that.”
While sipping on their tea, White’s eyes wandered. They glanced at another photo that was along their display, and noticed a small face that they did not recognise. The face of an infant, being held by White as they glanced up towards the camera, bundled in a thick blanket and napping against their chest.
Who was that?
They’re not really at the level of fame where people just hand them their babies and ask them to kiss them, so it was something they had hardly considered actually doing. Not to mention, the baby seemed to look oddly like Green, which wouldn’t explain why White was in the picture. Their youngest sibling was already a small child by the time that White met them for the first time, so there would be no infant pictures that would have White in them. It could be a nibling or a new sibling of Green’s, but White was wearing what seemed to be a hospital gown, so unless Green just handed them a baby while they were recovering from something, that idea didn’t really make much sense either.
Who’s child was that? Why did something about them feel familiar, even though it wasn’t anyone that they recognised?
It was probably just the uncanny resemblance. They didn’t look exactly alike, but there were a lot of characteristics about that squishy faced child that reminded them of their partne– of their spouse? Was that the right word now? Of Green, was what they were meaning to say. Maybe they were just seeing their partner through them, making it a whole lot easier to feel something of a tenderness and familiarity towards the small being.
This whole experience was making them feel warm inside. They didn’t even need their partner nuzzling against them, or the steam from the boiled water twirling around their face, because this life was a permanent that wasn’t going anywhere. And no matter how far Green went from them, they were still right there with them.
In their home. Wherever this place was.
“Agh– mmm.”
…huh?
A sound came from behind them. They followed it with their eyes, to a white communication device sat on the counter. A small voice was whining continuously and gradually becoming more distressed.
“Do you think they heard us talking?” Green asked, hopping off the seat.
Where were they going? Who was that?
Were they supposed to come, too? Green seemed like they had it handled, but they were looking at them invitingly.
White slid off their seat, trailing once more behind their partner through the labyrinth of their large home. They stopped by the door with the name plate on it that White had been curious about before, with Green opening the door slowly as White peeked their head in like an impatient cat.
They were looking into a nursery. All done up in pastel colours, with a puzzle piece rug and a considerably large toy chest, as well as a little reading nook in the corner with a rack of books beside it. At the far end there was a crib, with an infant standing up against the bars and looking over tearfully.
That was the infant from the photo. Was that–
White suddenly felt oddly weak.
Was that their child? White and Green, they had a child?
Lord. That was their first thought.
White didn’t know how to take care of a child. Especially not a child who looked no more than a couple months old. They were an only child and spent almost the entirety of their life having other people do things for them, such that they never had to be this independent. And now, there was a tiny being reaching their hands out towards them specifically, making a grabby hand motion as if they wanted uppies.
Oh.
What do they do?
White looked behind them, as if expecting that a night nurse would swoop in and take up the child. That was the way that their parents dealt with them whenever they were sad, too preoccupied to handle someone so needy. Yet, no one came, and it was a bit freaky.
They suddenly realised how apprehensive they were to hold a child. Because their parents had never really held them growing up, and they never learned to do it. They never learned how to parent, other than the way that their parents moreso mentored them. But White didn’t have a business that this child was going to become the heir of, so there was nothing for this newborn child to specialise into.
This was just a child born out of love. Unconditional love from two parents together. White didn’t know what that was like.
“I think they want Mama.” Green leaned in and stage-whispered to them, impervious to White’s current thoughts.
…mama. So they were ‘Mama’.
‘Mama’ usually meant whoever carried the infant. Which meant that White had carried this infant.
That could at least explain all the body pain they were feeling. Or maybe that just meant that they were getting older.
“..Right. Of course.” White stepped up to the crib, looking over it at the infant. They flopped back so they were sitting down and continued the motion for a cuddle, now actively crying. They reached in and picked the child up by their armpits, holding them up to their chest, “Um. It’s okay. You’re loved.”
They were terribly awkward. But the child didn’t seem to really recognise that, snuggling in against their parent’s chest and settling down quite quickly.
That’s what they needed, right? Love? Was that something children were allowed to cry for? And were they allowed to receive it whenever they wanted?
It felt so…easy. Of course, they were nervous, their posture more like they were holding a limp stuffed animal compared to a child, but they could just… hold them. The process itself wasn’t difficult, even if it was still a major concern that they would drop them.
None of this was like the way that they had been raised by their own parents. Maybe, for as long as they were here, they could get used to i–
Snap!
A bright light flashed in front of the pair of them. White raised one hand to cover the child’s eyes as they glanced over, spotting Green holding up a disposable polaroid camera.
“Be careful!” They exclaimed, “They could go blind with a flash like that!”
After a couple loud churns, a picture popped from the top of the camera, which Green snatched out and began shaking, “I don’t think it works like that.”
“Well, you never know.” White looked down at their child, who seemed completely unaffected, “Maybe you’re right.”
“You should listen to the doctor more.” Green mentioned, watching as the photo rendered, “You’re so protective.”
That made White feel weird. They notice a couple of their own traits in the child, and suddenly start to worry about the way that this kid is parented. Maybe a nurse would be better, after all.
“In a good or a bad way?” They asked.
“It’s cute.” Green plastered a kiss on their partner’s cheek, “I just know that when they grow up, they’ll be grateful for a parent like you.”
“...of course.” They really weren’t certain. But the child was starting to go back to sleep in their arms, and that had to say something about the relationship they supposedly had.
Once the child was completely asleep, they placed them back down, pulling their little blanket over them.
“You don’t want to hold them?” Green stepped up beside them, side eyeing them curiously.
“Better to just let them sleep.” White answered, sounding strained, “Wouldn’t want to mess up their sleep schedule.”
“Hm.”
Green turned, and approached the stack of books. They pick out a thick purple one decorated in stickers with the title ‘memories’ in the centre of the front cover. A small beat passed before White followed, watching memories flick past that they couldn’t remember. Pictures of Green, of White, of their friends at various get-togethers, and much later of their child boring their eyes into the camera or chewing on something inedible. They stopped at an empty page besides one of them taking their child out strawberry picking, and took out a glue stick to stick it into place.
“My parents would love to see this once it’s done.” Green spoke, slapping the polaroid onto the paper, “There’s not that many pages left.”
White briefly wondered why they couldn’t just come around and see the baby themselves. There was a drive from where White used to live and where the parents did, but it wasn’t an unmakeable journey. Though if they lived elsewhere, that could be different.
“I don’t understand why they don’t just… come over more. See them for themselves.” Green continued speaking, correcting White’s thoughts quickly, “We live right down the road. They could probably just walk— there’s no pavement, but being in the countryside and all, the roads are pretty quiet.”
“Maybe they’re just busy.” White wagered. They thought that it made sense in principle. Green could never go particularly far from their family members, so that was the compromise they must have come to to live together.
“Maybe.” Green scribbled some writing down on the page below the photograph, “My dad never knows when to give it a rest. But I think they’re right about a lot of things.”
“Yeah? Like what?”
Green slotted their hand into White’s once it was free, leading them back down the hall. By that time, their tea was already a little cold, but that hadn’t really mattered in the moment.
“My dad used to talk a lot about you when we first got together. They were always really interested in meeting you, since they thought the person who always made me so happy had to be a good person,” Green sat back down on the chair that they had assumed, while White had to swap hands to reasonably sit on the other one, “They once said that they thought you were the best person for someone like me. And I really think they were right.”
A small smile played on White’s face, as Green chose to continue, “I want you to be as happy as I am. And you’re not acting like yourself. Why?”
White supposed they couldn’t hide it from Green. They caught a small glimpse of it in the memory book– they had been married for about four years now. Green would probably be able to notice even the minute changes about their character, even if they insisted that it was nothing more than just a funny feeling.
“I don’t really feel… here.” They answered, trying to focus on the slow rubbing of Green’s thumb along their knuckles, “I’ve felt so distant this entire time.”
“Oh.” Green murmured quietly.
“I don’t know what it is. I should be used to this kind of lifestyle.” They swirled their finger around the rim of their untouched mug, “But I feel weirdly hesitant about the whole thing.”
“Is this about your parents?” Green leaned forward to try and catch White’s eye again.
“Am I that obvious?” White sagged, flicking their eyes towards their partner.
“I think you want to be obvious.” Green answered, and admittedly it was a little nice to have some clarity. That felt about right, and there wasn’t any of that weird discomfort with it, “Cause you’re no good at talking about yourself, really.”
“Says you.” Whiter retorted lovingly, earning a snort out of their partner.
Once it concluded, Green scolded, “We’re talking about you. It doesn’t matter what I do.”
“Okay… continue.”
“I know it can be hard to let go of something– or someone– that caused you so much trouble all your life.” Green squeezed White’s hand, a minute gesture to get them to focus, “But you’re doing alright. You’re not defined by them anymore, so you don’t have to live the rest of your life thinking about them and how they treated you. But… you still can, if you want.”
“I don’t know what I want. I never had the choice.” White responded, “I just– don’t want you to…”
“...that’s it, huh?” Green sat a little back, “You’re not able to engage with anything, because you’re scared of losing it.”
“I wouldn’t put it like that.”
“Am I wrong?”
“...no.” White relented, “Removing such a big part of my life feels like taking a massive jump. And I don’t know where I’ll land. I don’t like not having the assurance that things are okay–”
“-Things are okay.” Green insisted, “We got a house under your own name, our child has really good grandparents– everything’s fine here.”
“White,” They held White’s gaze, “You’re the strongest person I know, it kinda surprises me sometimes. But no matter what happens, I know you’ll be okay. And I know I want to be with you.”
“Do you promise?” White asked hesitantly.
“I will repeat my entire wedding vow to you if you really want. But that thing was super long.”
That sounded like Green.
“No, it’s alright. I believe you. Maybe some other time,” And maybe they’d deserve to hear it at some other point.
In the end, everything was unfamiliar because what it represented was unfamiliar.
This wasn’t just family, it was independence. It was freedom.
It was a conclusion, as they drew near the last pages of their memory book. But White was certain that when that was full, Green would just get another one to start all over again. To start anew, in a way White thought they may just be able to.
They couldn’t just ‘forget’ their parents. Two decades of their actions weren’t easy to be undone. But they thought that they might be able to do things themselves, without the fear of them holding them back. That they could trust in an unconditional dynamic with Green in the same way they used to trust in an unconditional dynamic with their parents, but also entirely differently.
Entirely theirs. Like a fresh start, like a new life.
But no matter what happens, I know you’ll be okay.
Because they had Green. Because they had Green’s family. And at some point, they had the child that was sleeping in the hall.
Because they were still themselves.
They would be okay.
And they really made the right decision, the future them; marrying Green.
“Do you feel like you can go back to bed?” Green asked, “I have work in the morning, and I’m really tired still.”
“You can go without me.” White answered, though they do appreciate the fact that they stayed so long. And wanted them to keep staying.
“That means I want you to go with me.” Green corrected, “I really thought you would get that.”
White smirked, “Alright, let’s go.”
White was starting to get used to the house, to the covers that White and Green slipped themselves under. They now noticed that there was another baby monitor beside their bed behind their picture frame, and they brushed their fingers along it briefly before settling down with their partner, who made grabby hands to about the same degree.
White carefully placed a kiss against one of the lines next to Green’s eye, then hunkered down onto the pillow.
—
It was morning when they woke up, and they were back in their usual bed.
The empty bedside table and their veinless hands confirmed that they had been dreaming the entire time. Of course they were- they should have guessed. Several years into the future, and everyone had something to show for it except for them.
And yet it felt… vivid, weirdly enough. It most likely had something to do with the fact that the dream starred real people from their life, but it felt like if someone could experience deja vu towards future events. Like a prophecy? White ended up dismissing that, since they didn’t really believe in the idea of fate that much. They don’t mind when Cyan talked about it, certainly not, but it wasn’t something they could subscribe to beyond that.
Maybe they were just getting ahead of themselves. Literally and metaphorically. Whatever the case may be, it consoled that empty feeling, even when the bed, still, only held one person.
White reached for their phone and pulled up their messenger.
Three simple words, with the same meaning to White as ‘Thank you’.
White
I love you
Green
Ii love toy tii
White
Haha
Go back to sleep
Unrelated. How do you feel about me living in the countryside?