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“Ito! The last one is handpicked by my partner. Grabe pa pag-insist niya para basahin ko ‘to that it made me almost not include this here, kasi bakit mo ba ako pinipilit?” Seungkwan chuckles, looking at his partner behind the camera who is wearing a small melancholy smile.
“Well it’s a bit of an unconventional kasi. You’ll understand why when you read it, promise. Also, I think this one needs to be heard and you have a voice for that.”
“Grabe na ang pambobola dito talaga, naririnig niyo ba yan?” matawa-tawang sabi nito. “Okay so for our last sender, this one is from saniside_up”
“Before I start I want to put on a disclaimer–” Seungkwan’s brows shot up at tumingin muli sa kaniyang kasintahan, not sure kung paano babasahin ang kasunod na mga salita.
“Go on mahal, read it.” His partner, Vernon, quietly says mula sa kinatatayuan niya.
He cleared his throat for his second attempt.
“Disclaimer, this is not my story but I would like to share this to the world, for everyone to know. Not to shame or anything related to it, quite the opposite actually. It’s because two people loved each other so quietly that no one even noticed, walang sumigaw para may taong makarinig ng damdamin nila kaya ako na lang ang gagawa.” He pauses for a second as his eyes glaze over the next words.
A gasp, and then silence.
Sandaling katahimikan sa mga salitang hindi niya lubos maintindihan kung papaano niya bibigyang hustisya ang anumang susunod na lalabas sa bibig niya.
“I think it’s time for my dad to be free of this emotion that he’s been carrying for a long time, whether it's free of him or the emotions that comes with it. Kahit ano para sa kung anong ikagagaan ng puso niya.”
Seungkwan chokes upon finishing the disclaimer. “Mahal ano ba to” naluluha luha nitong sambit. “Hindi ba pwedeng happy ending na lang ang lahat? Like what do you mean your dad? Alam ba ‘to ng tatay mo jusko!”
“One day a snail mail came, he was out for work that day and I was home. Also, who sends snail mail these days? Apparently there’s one and I know him very well. Someone who had been inside our home, someone who knew me kahit wala pa ako sa mundong ibabaw. He was in our lives but he never imposed, I remember him as the quiet tito and he was my favorite growing up. Silence with him brought comfort and understanding that didn’t need words, that's how he is.”
Seungkwan looked up with the sad pouty face he does whenever he sees something that’s making him sad. Unfortunately for him, kaya na niyang hulaan ang ending ng kwento at kung bakit ito pinabasa sa kaniya ng kaniyang kasintahan.
“But I also remember the day he stopped coming, I was 8 at that time. Though, I kept receiving gifts up until I graduated high school, pero hindi ko na siya ulit kailanman nakita. I remember kung paanong titigan ni dad yung mga padala sa akin ni tito — how he looks at it a second too long na para bang sinisigurado niya na ang sumulat mismo ng pangalan ko ay siya. That he still exists, na kung nasaan man siyang lupalop ng mundo ay okay lang siya. And a part of me wonders if that’s also one of the reasons why all these years we never moved houses. That maybe sa bawat linya ng pangalan ko nararamdaman niya ang presensya niya. But the gifts stopped coming eventually like I said, and I didn’t know then why my dad looked at his handwriting the way he did. I know now.”
Seungkwan let out a long exhale.
“Damn,” Seungkwan says. “Need ko huminga sandali”
“Tissue, mahal?” Vernon offers, the least he could sa mga sandaling iyon dahil gaya nga ng sabi ng kasintahan niya siya rin naman ang dahilan kung bakit binabasa niya ito ngayon. The cuddles and hugs can wait after the recording, that he can do.
Tahimik na inabot ni Seungkwan ang box ng tissue mula sa kamay ni Vernon. “I don’t think I’m emotionally ready for what’s next.” he says with a shaky breath. “Please read the letter before proceeding. — Hala! Nilagay niya din dito yung letter mahal!”
“I know, mahal, I know.”
Binalik ni Seungkwan ang tingin sa kaniyang ipad bago nagpatuloy sa sunod na paksa ng kwento.
[Hello Min,
It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
I don’t know if this letter will ever reach you. I don’t even know if you still lived in the same house. Pero kung may isang bagay akong sigurado tungkol sa iyo is that you don’t easily let go of things that are dear to you – you are sentimental like that. So, I am choosing to believe that this will eventually find you.
I was cleaning up then I saw a lonely blue crayola in one of those boxes I packed up but never dared to open again. Is it the laziness and the thought of organizing it that held me back before today? I don’t know. Then it took me another trip a few days later to a place where every other house is painted yellow, it’s one of their attractions and I think you’ll love it once you see it.
You’ve always been the bright one between the two of us.
So, I guess it took a forgotten blue crayon and a place full of yellow houses for me to finally gather the courage to write to you.
I’m sorry it took me this long, Min.
We were both in kindergarten when we met, and the first interaction we had was because of that 24 box of crayons you used to bring. I forgot mine at home so you shared yours. I remember picking up the blue crayon because out of every color iyon pa rin ang pinaka-mahaba like it was a color you rarely used. Then you picked the yellow one, because you said it reminded you of the sun. We spent the entire afternoon drawing on different sheets. I don’t remember what we drew or if we ever finished it, only that we sat quietly beside each other.
Next thing I knew I was spending every class and every summer vacation with you. All of my childhood, teenage years, and a good chunk of my adult life I spent with you, we were together all the time na hindi pwedeng walang Min si Woo, at Woo kay Min. It was a rare sight to see us apart but look at us now, I haven’t seen you in almost two decades — and that’s a lot.
Being friends with you is easy, but pretending that was all I wanted was not.
I don’t exactly know when and how it happened, just that I woke up one day drowning in my own emotions.
Was it when you walked me home after school?
We weren’t neighbors and I’d always tell you na it was out of your way pero makulit ka eh. Maglalakad ka lang sa tabi ko kahit naririndi ka na sa mga sinasabi ko hanggang sa maabot na natin yung bahay namin. Everyday I’d tell you to stop wasting your time, and everyday you’d ignore that. Pasok sa isang tenga, labas sa kabila.
Or the time when I got sick?
I caught a flu one day, I don’t remember kung gaano ako katagal absent pero pagbalik ko sa school you gave your notebook to me. I remember being confused because I didn’t ask you to take notes for me. Pagbukas ko it was still the same handwriting, it was still terrible but every page was written and organized neatly because you know I don’t like mine messy. When I asked you about it, sabi mo bored ka lang.
Or during one of our sleepovers?
We used to lay down and stare at the ceiling talking about our dreams and aspirations in life. We’d stay awake long after everyone else had fallen asleep. We’d talk about everything, anything, under the sun. Sometimes we’re just quietly basking in each other’s presence. Most of the time you’d tell me your dreams, and I’d tell you mine. A time when our plans included a “you” in yours, and “us” in mine.
But then your mom came in one time and caught us sleeping in one bed, she laughed like we were being ridiculous before saying that we were too old for that. I also remembered how we stopped sleeping together after that. Regardless, if it keeps me awake at night is something I won’t admit. Either way, I made a choice long before I was old and wise enough to know what would cost me.
During college years is when it gets harder. We got into the same school, started living together sa dorms because like we said, it was the most obvious thing to do.
Living with you was easy. Convincing myself it didn’t mean anything became harder.
And so I kept pretending.
I kept pretending na sa bawat pagtingin ng mata mo sa akin ay hindi ko napapansin. That every time you saw me in the midst of the crowd or in our meeting place, I kept pretending I didn’t hear you say “finally” like it was a relief to see me show up. Like I was the only one you were waiting for this whole time. Like I was the only one worthy of that time. Like you were afraid of me disappearing away from your sight.
Remember that one night we were drinking beers sa lapag ng unit natin? Kakatapos lang ng finals and that was our way of celebrating — away from the loud parties. You asked me, “You think mahahalata ng isang tao if you like them?” randomly in the middle of my buzzed state, but I still remembered. Because I remember telling you that it depends, and you asking back if there’s a difference if it was of the same gender and that shut me up.
We never talked about that, despite our friendship lasting for over a decade, we never even touched the surface and what comes with said topic if we fully open them. So, we let it stay closed. But there was always one certain thing to me when it comes to you, and that is that my feelings were far beyond what I could comprehend.
And it was the most beautiful and gut-wrenching thing in my life. ]
Seungkwan gently put his ipad down on the table, quietly reaching for the stack of tissue his boyfriend gave him earlier. He was quiet, eerily so, not like his bubbly self where he can pick up the pace and make the mood lighter — no, this one’s different.
“Why is this so unfair?” he asks particularly to no one, like whispering it to the wind would get him answers easily.
[ Reminiscing now about the things that we did would probably sound ridiculous to outsiders but it made sense to us, only to Min and Woo. It was so easy to excuse kasi back then, right? It was so easy to just deem it as us being childhood buddies and everyone left it at that. But all of that was one step closer to something we could not afford to name, because we were boys — and boys weren’t supposed to blur the lines like we did.
The way you never fail to place your hand on my lower back whenever you guide me in a certain direction. When you cook ramen kahit pa hating-gabi yan, pero dahil nag-crave ako gagawin mo. And when you wait for me kapag inaabot ako ng disoras sa labas because of org or group works that stressed the hell out of me tapos you were there arms open wide, ako na lang ang kulang and you were just waiting for me to dive in. And god those hugs; should I even explain it? I think I can still feel them sometimes, Min. Sometimes, I delude myself into thinking that I can still feel you.
Deep inside I think we knew why. Maybe that’s why we never questioned it out loud. It was easier to let everyone believe we were just Min and Woo than to ask whether we were allowed to be anything else, and maybe we did too.
I knew what my parents would have said. I didn’t even have to ask what yours would say. Because we were sons of our parents, and we grew up in a home where there’s only one version of the future for us.
“May balak pa ba kayong mag-asawa or habang buhay kayo maglalaro ng bahay-bahayan?” I remember my dad saying that, tapos tayo kaka-renew lang sa kontrata ng apartment natin. We kept calling it convenient because calling it home would’ve been too honest.
Everyone laughed, I remember you shaking your head while gracing everyone with that sweet smile of yours, but then life has a really funny way of reminding just how unfair and cruel they are just because they want to. Not long after, your dad made a comment that made our life inside those four walls shatter.
“Hindi yan! Hindi bakla ang anak ko ah!” then the laughs got loud while your smile slowly faded. Hindi ko alam kung napansin mo na napansin ko, kasi kung oo, alam mong nasa iyo lang ang atensyon ko buong gabi no’n.
I think that was the first time I truly understood what fear looked like on your face.
How unfair.
Was it really that bad? Was the idea of us spending our life with each other that bad? Because all this time it’s the only thing I wished for, the only thing I spent daydreaming — waiting for a shooting star to make it come true.
I wanted a life that’s so painfully ordinary with you.
Just like the one we already had.
Do you remember what you told me after the silent drive back home? You said that you think your mom wants an apo before she gets old. I wish you could hear how my heart cracked because I think back then I already realized that my time with you is already limited. But god how I want to say that I want that too. I want kids too, one with you.
Not long after you started seeing someone, sabi mo reto ng mom mo from church. You said it so casually na parang binabalita mo lang sa akin yung lagay ng panahon. I remember smiling. I remember congratulating you. I remember asking what she’s like. The rest? I think my own brain blocked that memory for me, para hindi ko siya madaling balik-balikan.
So when you finally introduced us to each other, I so badly wanted to find a reason to not like her. Pero sobrang bait niya, I remember thinking na pwede na niya palitan si mama Mary. Because if she had been cruel, it would be so easy to convince myself that she was not the one for you. She was everything but that and I think that was the first time when I felt my stomach sinking, thinking na “ito na ‘yon”. For the longest time after that day, I wondered if you saw the fear in my eyes every time you looked at me — which became less and less by the way — like the one I saw from that damned family dinner from years back.
She was safe.
Safe to love.
Safe to choose.
Safe to build a life with.
And so you did just that. You chose to build a life that was predetermined for you. One that an option for us didn’t even exist, wasn’t even considered.
Tell me, how do I even grieve you, Min?]
“Wait wait wait ano daw?!” Seungkwan had to calm himself down, re-reading the last parts over and over again.
“Tell me, how do I even grieve you — why would you say that?!” he cries. Bumunot ito muli ng isa pang tissue continuously dabbing the tears that didn’t seem to have an end.
[ You asked me once if people know when someone likes them, pero I think the question should be — can you tell when a person is trying very hard not to? Because I spent years hiding you in me.
And when you got married; god you were so beautiful. You never laid your eyes on me that day and I think it was for the better. You smiled at everyone but me and that’s when I knew that the door to the apartment had finally found its lock. Not when you introduced us, not during all those wedding planning you dragged me into, not even during the reception when I gave the very rehearsed smile and speech I practiced when people asked me how it felt to see my best friend tying the knot.
After the reception, I remember driving back as fast as I could just so I could breathe. And for the last time bago ako lumipat, I spent my last nights there inside the apartment crying my heart out, because I finally could.
I don’t know what kind of life you live now, Min, and I’m sorry I’m not there by your side anymore. And if in fact that I’m not living up in the clouds all this time and you still carry me in your silence, you can stop doing that now. You don’t have to do that anymore. You don’t have to keep wondering if I ever hated you, kahit konti, for choosing the life you lived for. I didn’t; alam mong hindi ko yan magagawa sa iyo.
You don’t have to keep looking back, I’ll do it for the both of us, Min. It’s okay.
Ito ata ang resulta after spending the past few days looming over what will I even tell you and looking at the damned colors that started this. Maybe yellow and blue do not belong to the same sheet forever. Maybe some colors are only meant to spend an afternoon together before life asks them to finish different things. But I’ll never regret choosing blue that day, because it led me to you.
I just wish we have a finished work that exist somewhere, kahit isa lang sa ilang libong pagkakataon na hindi.
I will forever be grateful because I lived in a time where you existed, because I was graced by you. Because in your own way, you loved me even if it only existed in that four-walled apartment, on the blue couch that you loved so much. And for your love that never made me feel lonely.
Yours,
Woo ]
Seungkwan stared at the bottom of the page. For a prolonged second everything went quiet, Vernon was watching him react, and Seungkwan just silently placed the iPad down.
“Bro…”
Tumingala ito para tignan ang kasintahan.
Then another, “Broooo” like a wire glitched in his system from that letter broke him. He dragged both of his hands down to his face, damp tissues still strapped in between his fingers.
“WHAT WAS THAT?!” he exclaims.
From behind the camera, Vernon bit back a chuckle from his partner’s delayed reaction.
“Stop that! ‘Wag mo akong tawanan kasalanan mo ‘to!” pagrereklamo nito, nagawa pa nitong ihagis ang tissue sa kasintahan. He looked back at his iPad as if magbabago pa ang mga nilalaman nito.
“Okay. Sige — okay. Kaya ko to” bulong nito habang kinakalma ang sarili.
He scrolled through the letter once more as though he was making sure that he hadn’t hallucinated everything. “Ang sakit naman nito!”
Vernon finally let out a small laugh as Seungkwan dropped his head against the back of his chair, staring at the ceiling.
“Ang dali sana nito kung binabasa ko ‘to ng mag-isa eh, tapos sa isip ko lang. Like, I could’ve stopped every five seconds, scream into a pillow, huminga ng konti, hanggang sa matapos ko siya.”
He gestured helplessly sa set up nila.
“But no eh, I have to say it out loud and actually hear myself say these things.” He looked down at his device again. “Ngayon, I have to sit here and process the fact that this man, Woo, spent his entire life being in love with his best friend while I am the one reading his fucking letter out loud.”
Seungkwan breathed in deep.
“Grabe…. just grabe”
He stayed silent for a few more seconds, eyes lingering on the final line of the letter. Eventually, he scrolled down— the letter ended there, pero yung entry ni saniside_up? Not yet.
“Okay” he breathes out, “Sige, continue tayo.”
“My father didn’t write back, wala din naman returning address so there’s really no way to send one kung gugustuhin man niya. I remember him locking himself in his office the day he came to know about the letter. Nung lumabas siya, he just asked me if I read it, and I said yes but he didn’t say anything after that. He didn’t question me, just like how I did the same to him after kong mabasa yung liham.
Looking back, I think everything kinda makes sense; everytime I ask something about my dad when his friends are around they always push me to Tito Won for answers because according to them, he knows my dad hanggang sa lalim ng paghinga nito. And I guess they were right. I understand Tito's letter, and I understand a part of my dad now. But understanding the contents of it doesn’t erase the life that my father lived.
If anything, it made me realize how complicated love is, it was never really simple as I thought it was. That maybe loving someone deeply doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else, too. My dad chose my mom. He built a family with her, they had me. He loved her, because I lived that my whole life. Knowing about Tito doesn’t make any of that less true.
Minsan mapapaisip ka na lang din, how did love become such a quiet constant in my father’s life? How could a love that was never named come to an end, yet still remain in someone enough to shape the person they became?
I think Tito Won will always be the love he carries, silently.”
For the last time, Seungkwan slowly lowered his device onto his lap, his fingers still resting against its edge na parang hindi pa siya ito ready na pakawalan ang kwento.
“Okay” he sniffled.
A small and shaky laugh escaped him.
“Okay, user saniside_up.” he says. “Gets ko na” His voice quieter now than it had been throughout the whole recording.
“Gets ko na mahal, kung bakit gusto mong basahin ko ‘to.” Seungkwan took a deep breath. “I don’t know where Woo is now. I don’t know if Min knows na may ganito ang anak niya. I don’t know if they ever knew how much they meant to each other, but I hope they do now.”
Looking straight into the camera, “User saniside_up, if you’re watching this. Thank you for loving your dad enough to tell this story for him.” His voice cracked at the last word that made him and Vernon laugh at the absurdity of it all.
“Hay nako, look what you did to me” Seungkwan reached for another tissue. “Okay that’s our last letter for tonight, magkaniya-kaniya na tayong lahat!”
Vernon laughed from behind the camera.
“Hindi ka na maga-outro?”
“Ayoko na.”
“Host ka po, mahal.”
“Host din ako na may limit.”