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Hailey looked up and her gaze was met by tens of thousands of eyes. Most kids would panic, but she was right where she wanted to be. She got her bearings quickly; she was standing over a prone Raquel Rodriguez, who had just been on the receiving end of a rose plant. Right! She had gotten so excited about pulling off the move, that must be what called her out. She bounced on her toes, wrestling was so exciting! She knew the other headmates would be upset about her fronting during a match, but she loved wrestling, and never got to do it anymore! Her eyes darted to ringside, fans were cheering, she wanted to go say hi! Sliding under the bottom rope, opponent forgotten, Hailey made quick to hold out both hands for high fives as she sprinted around ringside in a loop, unable to stop an elated squeal. She stopped dead in her tracks about three-quarter way around the ring - Lyra was here! The little launched herself into the shorter woman, wrapping her up in a tight hug. She always loved to see Lyra, she was their rock. Lyra didn't look happy to see her though. In one smooth motion, Lyra turned Hailey back towards the ring and gave her a small shove.
“Go!”
Right. The match. Hailey lurched forward. Taking a too-big step in her too-big body. Muscle memory kicked in as her hands touched the apron. Pulling herself up and into the ring. Raquel, having had time to recover, was ready for her; catching the body of the other wrestler in a lariat as soon as her feet hit the mat. Hailey snapped back, shoulders hitting the top rope. Leaning back on the ropes forced her to look up at her opponent, she looked big. And angry. Hailey tensed in the expectance of more pain.
“TAG!”
Lyra had managed to stretch far enough to slap the shoulder of their body. Hailey didn't know what to do. She didn't even know this was a tag match. Muscle memory once again saved her, as she found herself stepping out of the ring. She didn't want to step out! She wanted to wrestle!! But she knew better than to break the rules in front of the referee. A small pout appeared on her lips. This wasn't fair, Bayley and Deliverance got to wrestle every day! She squeezed her hand as a reminder to not interfere.
Lyra came in hot, but her body showed her exhaustion. She must have been wrestling most of the match, Hailey thought. She wished she could remember, watching Lyra wrestle was one of her favorite pastimes. She always looked so strong, made them all feel safe. Hailey's mind wandered. She wasn't the part most prone to dissociation, that went to Bayley, but they all struggled with it. When emotions got too high, they all seemed to just shut off. A brain’s last defence in times of crisis. Right now it was mainly a frustrating response instead of a helpful one. She looked like she was just focused on the match, but a switch inside had been flipped. Hailey, once while watching TV, described it like a Power Ranger getting out of their Zord. The mech stays behind, but with no one to power it. The body stays put, but no one is there. The bell rung, snapping her back to reality. Lyra had taken a tejana bomb, pinned in the center of the ring. She looks upset, Hailey noted. I bet she's upset at me. I caused us to lose. A voice chimed in, not one anyone else could hear. Deliverance.
“I would be pissed too. You can't do anything right. This is why we don't let you do important stuff.”
Hailey scrunched up her face and shook her head. A childish gesture she hoped the cameras didn't catch. She just needed to get the voice to stop. She already knew she was a screw up, she didn't need her own brain reminding her. Taking a step back, Hailey waited for Lyra at ringside, not wanting to try and get involved and mess something else up. Lyra stepped out of the ring and walked straight back towards gorilla, not stopping for her partner. Hailey dutifully followed in tow. Head hanging down, she knew logically Lyra wouldn't yell at her, but the body was still electric with anxiety. They made their way back up the ramp, hearing The Judgement Day celebrating in ring behind them. As soon as they were through the curtain, apologies started spilling out of her. “I'm really sorry Lyra, I promise I tried my best-” Lyra put up a hand, Hailey's mouth snapped shut. Looking at the shorter woman with eyes brimming with tears that threatened to fall.
“I need a minute to calm down, I'm gonna go change out of my gear.” Lyra said with a practiced calmness. There was no anger in her voice, but Hailey was still convinced she could hear it just under the surface. She had ruined the match by getting too excited. Lyra had to be angry with her. Anger was the response she always got when she made a mistake, she didn't know what to do without it. Lyra lowered her hand with a sigh “you stay here.” Hailey missed the glint of love in Lyra's eyes under the exhaustion “We'll get you changed into comfy clothes when I get back, ok?” That didn't sound ok, Hailey really didn't want to be left alone right now, but she nodded anyway. She wanted to be good for Lyra at least once tonight.
Hailey watched her tag partner walk away, staying still as a statue. Lyra had told her to stay here so she was going to stay right here. Hyperactive kids are famously great for staying still, right? Hailey knew that the rest of her system called Lyra their wife, but that never felt right to her. She saw Lyra as more of a big sister. A guiding hand she loved deeply and fiercely. She really, really, really hoped she wasn't too mad at her. As her mind wandered, she started to fidget in her spot. She was hungry and craft services was only a few rooms away. Surely Lyra would take at least 10 minutes to change, she could be there and back and no one would even notice! This was a good plan. She looked conspicuously around, making sure no one was looking at her, before slinking out of gorilla towards her prize. It was easy to find, someone had taped a sign to the wall with a big arrow on it. That was one of the best things about their job, she decided, new buildings every week meant that no one expected her to remember where things were. This week, the catering was just ok. Lots of cold-cut sandwiches and big bowls of salad. Salad was gross, she thought, but a sandwich sounded alright. She grabbed one and wolfed it down, hunger starting to recede. It was weird getting to pick her own food. No adults were going to make her eat her vegetables, but this also meant getting in trouble from Bayley or Del when she chose ice cream for dinner. Looking for the drinks, Hailey spotted a keurig. She liked coffee just ok, but knew Lyra loved tea. Maybe if she got Lyra a tea, she wouldn't be mad anymore. It would make the nagging feeling of fear in her chest stop. But the little was also the klutz of their system. She wasn't really supposed to handle very hot things, like a cup of boiling water. The body she was in always felt too big. She would misjudge the length of her arms, or trip over her own feet, leading to no short supply of mystery bruises. If she was really really careful, she supposed, she could get it back to gorilla without any spills. And then, she hoped, Lyra would be proud and forget to be angry.
Hailey can't remember a time when Lyra was angry with her, really truly angry at least. She couldn't remember much from before now. It went- elementary school, nothing, NXT, more nothing, then now. Flits of scattered memories filled the space between, they felt more like a repeated story than real events. The feeling of Not Knowing was always so scary. It didn't feel like those times never existed, it felt like they had been redacted. Like someone had gone over the story of her life with a fat black marker, scribbling parts out. Waiting for the machine to brew her tea, she looked at the other wrestlers in the makeshift cafeteria. There were a lot of faces she didn't recognize. The knowledge of who they were was in her head, she could even pull up most of their names, but that's all they were. Faces and Names. Cardboard cutouts of people with no memories attached to them. Very few other wrestlers knew about their system. Hailey didn't mind telling people but the other two made sure it got kept private. They were always in her head telling her to not tell anyone that she exists. It was lonely, hiding behind a face that's not yours. So as a compromise, a select few of their coworkers knew. Punk and AJ, Iyo, and obviously Lyra and Tatum. None of those people were in this room. It was exhausting having to pretend to be an adult. Tatum was also a kid sometimes but it was different. Tatum, at the end of the day, was an adult with adult memories and adult developmental skills. Hailey struggled with things like tying their shoelaces or understanding big concepts. She couldn't keep up with long conversations and people talking about things like sex made her sick to her stomach. She couldn't turn off being a kid like Tatum could. She was stuck in a scary world where nothing made sense. Tears welled up again. She wanted to go home. She was tired and aching and scared, wanting to curl up as small as she can and just disappear for a bit. She picked up the tea; the flimsy paper cup was hot against her hand, uncomfortably so, but she didn't let go. Steeling herself with a resolve to do at least one thing right tonight.
The hot water burned against her hand, the cup sleeve she had found doing little to help. But she walked carefully down the hallway with baby steps. She didn't know exactly how much time had passed but it probably wasn't long enough for Lyra to have come back, right? Lyra always took forever changing. She had made it back to the backstage entrance one tiny step at a time, enough time had passed for the drink to be hot, but no longer scalding. Hailey gripped the cup with both hands, not wanting to take any chances. Turning the corner back into gorilla, her stomach dropped. Lyra was talking to a man in a stagehand uniform quite frantically, before he pointed over her shoulder. Right at Hailey, well, right at who he thought was Bayley. She contemplated running, but a flash of an unpleasant memory kept her still. Running only ever made it worse. Lyra practically sprinted over to her as soon as they made eye contact. Hailey braced herself, she just had to get through the yelling and then she could give Lyra her tea, and everything would be ok. It had to be ok.
“Oh my god there you are, I was so worried!”
Oh. That wasn't what she expected at all. She was expecting thunder and lightning, maybe to be shoved against the wall. But- Lyra never did those things, did she? Hailey couldn't remember one single time their partner had truly screamed at any of them. Scolded, definitely. But never screamed. So why did she still feel like she was going to throw up?
“I- I'm sorry I got really really hungry and I went to go get a sandwich. Then I saw the tea maker thing and made you some tea so you wouldn't be mad at me anymore.” The words tumbled out of her mouth like a Jacob's ladder. “I for-real tried my best and I'm really sorry I screwed it up for you.” She shoved the cup into Lyra's chest, a bit of water sloshed out the lid and back onto her too-big hands. It hurt, but she barely flinched. Their body gave up on flinching a long time ago. Lyra took the cup with careful, callused, hands. Rubbing a thumb over the small red splotch that appeared from the spill. She looked tired, Hailey noted. Tired and sad. She took a sip and gulped hard, like she was swallowing something down. She looked up at her tag and life partner with a small, gentle, smile.
“I appreciate it, that was thoughtful of you” She reached out and took Hailey's hand, which had been nervously fidgeting in front of her chest. “Let's go get you changed so we can go home, yeah?” Hailey nodded hard, making her head spin slightly. Lyra chuckled, leading the little towards the locker room. Once they were away from the hustle of backstage, Lyra paused.
“I'm sorry I snapped at you in the ring, you didn't deserve that. I knew going into this that I was going to be tagging with all of you, it's ok to make mistakes.” Lyra looked at her partner with earth-shattering sincerity “Kids make mistakes. And you're a great kid.”
The breath caught in her throat, for once, Hailey didn't have any words. The tears that had been threatening her all evening finally dropped down her cheeks in fat blobs. Lyra’s face quickly contorted in panic before the little managed to squeak out an- “I'm fine!” She wiped at her face messily with hands balled into fists. “I'm ok.” Lyra took a big breath in, and then out slow. Repeating the action until Hailey's breath synced up with hers. Slow and steady. “I really am sorry I messed up. I just got so excited ‘cause I don't get to wrestle no more.” Lyra took her hand, squeezing it gently. No words were exchanged but the message was clear. “I’ve got you.” They finished the walk to the locker room in silence only broken by the occasional sniffling breath. Thankfully it was empty, Hailey sat down on the bench while Lyra rifled through her purple and gold gym bag. Bayley had picked it out. She turned back triumphantly, holding sweatpants and a tank top. The sweaty spandex outfit suddenly seemed so much more uncomfortable now that she could see her soft clothes. The outfit got plopped down next to her, but not before Lyra reached out to ruffle her hair.
“Let's get you home, kid.”