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Sodachi’s eyes fluttered open. Through blurry eyes, she took her first look at the waking world for the day. What she saw was the ceiling.
A few minutes passed. Several attempts to keep her eyes open came and went. Eventually, however, she was able to pry herself into permanent consciousness. She sat herself up in bed, then looked around. The other side of the bed was empty, but unkempt. She sighed. Of course it was.
Sodachi dragged herself out of bed, then began getting dressed. As she did, she tried listening to hear if there were other sounds in the apartment. Her phone had no notifications, so while she hoped she wouldn’t be home alone, she wasn’t feeling optomistic.
Indeed, as she left the bedroom, she found that the apartment was utterly lifeless. A mess, but that was to be expected. And she was equally expected to be the one that would clean it. She was always tempted to leave it be, but that was punishing herself just as much as the intended target. She didn’t want to make herself miserable on purpose.
That’s why she was in this mess.
It had seemed so nice when she got a boyfriend. He was someone she had loved so much. What’s more, he seemed to love her back. Perhaps they had been hasty in moving in together, but Sodachi wanted that kind of companionship. That apartment next door to her childhood friend was nice, but living with a lover was more enticing.
It didn’t take long to regret it.
Not that Sodachi stopped loving him, but living with him exposed to her to sides of him she wouldn’t have otherwise seen. She had stayed the night at his apartment before, but that was only every now and then. That couldn’t be compared to what living every day of their lives together would mean.
He was annoying. Unbearably so. Sodachi had known he had irritable traits before, but she hadn’t realized how bad they would be once they were living together. There were too many incompatible traits for them to peacefully co-exist. He liked drinking. Sodachi flinched whenever alcohol came up. He liked having lots of people over. She preferred groups of three or four at most. He loved grilling meat as often as he could. Sodachi couldn’t stand the smell of meat.
It just wasn’t meant to be.
She knew that now, but it was a hard situation to deal with. She couldn’t just move back into her old apartment. If she moved out on her own again, her personal expenses would rise, which would be a shock to her finances. As-is, she was getting by just fine. If she left, she would be living lean for quite a while.
She was, after all, still a college student getting by on a part-time job. It was a miracle she was doing as well as she was.
Of course, when she put it that way, it began to feel as if she was trapped in the relationship. Sodachi was unhappy, sure, but she could break up with him if she wanted.
Maybe she should. Whenever she described her relationship, that’s what her friends told her.
As she got to school, she banished those thoughts from her head. She would focus on schoolwork. She didn’t need to keep thinking about her relationship issues.
She was successful at keeping them out of mind, but the school day ended eventually. As Sodachi boarded the bus heading home, thoughts began creeping back in. She would have to see him again soon. They would have the whole evening together. Sodachi should be looking forward to spending time with her boyfriend.
Yet she felt dread. She didn’t want to see him.
When she realized that, she nearly started crying right there on the bus.
She didn’t want to break up with him. She did love him. She just… didn’t feel like things were working out. It was easier for both of them if they could just stay together. For how long? Sodachi didn’t know. If she knew things weren’t working out, then she would need to figure out a solution eventually.
He was there when Sodachi got home. She greeted him and they hugged. It was brief, though. Usually, they hugged for longer. Sodachi just couldn’t stay in that position for long. Did he notice? She didn’t know.
From there, it was a typical evening. They studied, had dinner, and watched some TV together. They had the usual amount of skinship, but there was no meaning behind it. She was going through the actions for the sake of going through the actions. It made her feel even worse.
Sure, she had her problems with him, but did he deserve this?
When they were done with their night, they went to bed. Not to sleep, but for something else. Sex.
That was something about their relationship Sodachi was rather neutral on. She enjoyed it, sure, but if the relationship was strictly asexual, she wouldn’t feel like she was missing anything. She found it hard to blame him for this. She probably would have felt the same if she had been dating anyone else. Still, that lack of enthusiasm certainly showed tonight.
The only way she could describe it was middling. Middling sex certainly didn’t do anything to absolve all the difficult feelings she had. She spent the whole time wishing it was over.
Normally, when they were done, they chatted. It was a chance to catch up or talk about whatever was on the mind. This time was different. Sodachi simply rolled on her side and faced away from him. By now, he must have gotten the message.
Sodachi didn’t want to cause an argument. She didn’t want to break up with him. She certainly didn’t want to break up with him right after having sex. That meant that she had little to say. Silence felt like the better option for that moment was to stay silent.
Eventually, she got up. She grabbed a change of clothes, then headed for the shower. She hoped that the hot water might cleanse her mind and let her approach things with a clearer head.
It didn’t work. When she got out, all she was able to decide was that she would break up with him another day.