Work Text:
“...Choi.”
Choi laughs humorlessly, lifting his head up from the table. His right hand is still tightly dripping a bottle of soju which has long been emptied. His vision swimming, he fixes his gaze on the familiar blue of the bureau jacket, and then the blue of its owner’s eyes.
“...Jaekwan-ah.”
“You’re drunk, Choi.”
“Wow, really?” he says sarcastically, forcing himself to sit upright. The world spins for a moment and then rights itself as he stares at the table in front of him. Right, he and Jaekwan had the most depressing team dinner known to man, and Choi had let himself go and drank himself into a stupor. What a mess of a sunbae he is.
And it’s all because of that stubborn, self-sacrificial hoobae of theirs.
Agent Grapes.
“I’ve already paid the bill. I’ll take you home.”
Choi meets Jaekwan’s eyes again. He looks so serious, maybe a little disappointed, but he can see the confusion and hurt that he’s sure are reflected in his own eyes. And he knows just as well that no matter what he says, Jaekwan won’t leave him alone tonight.
“...Fine,” he says, standing up slowly. Jaekwan’s arms instinctively move to steady him, but he waves them off and makes his way to the exit. “Let’s go, Jaekwan.”
The walk back to his apartment is uneventful for either of them. Jaekwan doesn’t make it a habit to stay over at his sunbae’s place, but certain circumstances have made it necessary in the past. Now, though, his familiarity with the place pays off as he takes the keys from Choi’s stumbling fingers and unlocks the door with ease, and then immediately rushes off to get him a glass of water once he’s settled on the couch.
Choi drinks it up gratefully, feeling his mind clearing up already. Unfortunately, his mind tends to run when he’s clear-headed, and to his dismay, the memories of Grapes’ final letter and sudden departure resurface with startling clarity.
Grapes… had never once implied that he hated his time with them. He never expressed that he wanted to quit Daydream at all, but he took his hand at Jisan, and his condition improved when Jaekwan had gone to see him in the Glass Prison. He may have been a spy, but Choi doesn’t believe for a second that everything he’d seen was a lie; he was trained in detecting them for a reason. And yet… Grapes had dropped everything at the prospect of “going home”. Doesn’t he know that Daydream’s Wish Tickets are too good to be true? Or was there simply something that he couldn’t let go of, no matter what? If that’s so… then what about him? And Jaekwan? Why couldn’t they be…
“Grapes-ie…”
Jaekwan, who was kneeling in front of him, frowns slightly. Choi can’t resist the urge to reach out and smooth out his eyebrows like before. A soft, familiar motion. Jaekwan leans into his touch, and Choi finds himself relaxing.
“Jaekwan-ah… did you know?”
The question is loaded with infinite possibilities, but the answers all converge at one person. Jaekwan shakes his head.
“...Would you have stopped him if you had?”
Jaekwan hesitates, but then shakes his head again. An expected response. If Soleum was truly desperate, Jaekwan would have let him go. He’s a better man than Choi, who would have fought tooth and nail to make him stay. He sighs, shaking his head from such useless thoughts. In their line of work, what-ifs are worthless, and only the present matters.
“...I need a cigarette.”
Jaekwan frowns again, but he doesn’t argue. Man, Choi must be really pathetic if Jaekwan’s allowing him to smoke when he's drunk. Avoiding his gaze, he reaches into a side drawer and takes out a single cigarette and walks out to the balcony. After a beat, Jaekwan follows after him, and they stare out into the dark city sky together.
These past few months together with Agent Grapes may have been the most enjoyable time in Choi’s life. He had known from the start that he was a spy, and he definitely was trying to feel him out at first, but Grapes had wormed his way into his heart and before he knew it, he had truly seen him as a member of Black Tortoise 1. Even if he didn’t have… less than innocent intentions, Grapes had been so charming that he ended up becoming one of his favorite people… Jaekwan being the other one, of course.
Taking another drag of his cigarette, he spares a glance at the agent on his left before realizing that he’s already looking at him. Even as they make eye contact, Jaekwan continues to watch him, as if afraid that he too will run away. Choi almost laughs.
I’m more worried about you running off on me.
When Jaekwan had first joined the team as a stoic, hesitant newbie, Choi had felt a strong sense of kinship with him and made it his personal mission to get to know him. Although he’s sure Jaekwan found him annoying at first, they had quickly become inseparable, and even when their other sunbaes left or died on the job, they had each other. Choi admits to himself now that he had selfish intentions for keeping Jaekwan by his side, and studied him to an almost obsessive degree to keep him close. He left subtle touches here and there when he realized he liked physical contact, kept quiet about his kind gestures because he’s secretive about them, took good care of him and let himself be taken care of in return.
And then one night, when Jaekwan, trusting fool that he is, bared his past to him, Choi had known then and there that Jaekwan had become someone special to him. For a long time before that moment, he had already subconsciously abandoned the notion of manipulating his kindness. From then on, he had allowed himself to shed his guilt when he picked out his favorite foods or received a cup of coffee perfectly catered to his tastes. Choi thought he was subtle about it, but Soleum had seen through his elaborate act with striking precision.
Honestly, Choi had thought the dazzling, dangerous chemistry he had with Jaekwan was a once in a lifetime experience, and yet… Whereas Jaekwan is honest to a fault, everything about Soleum had been carefully fabricated to get them to lower their guards. And somehow, Choi had fallen just as hard for an illusion he was well aware of.
He should have known. And he did know that the lie would fall through eventually; both he and Jaekwan were too loyal to their jobs to allow this to slip past without incident. So why did he allow him to get that far? …Why does it still hurt so much?
He sighs, feeling the smoke rush out of his lungs. He can feel Jaekwan’s piercing, gentle gaze on his face and makes up his mind.
One last trick of his own.
“Jaekwan-ah,” he says, plastering an easygoing smile on his face. “Is there a lot on your mind? You’re looking at me too closely.”
Self-consciously, Jaekwan instinctively looks away, but Choi doesn’t let him. He fills his lungs with smoke and, with his free hand, pulls Jaekwan’s chin down to his level. He only hesitates for a second before exhaling, shivering from the sound of Jaekwan’s hitched breath as he closes his eyes and blows smoke into Jaekwan’s waiting mouth.
It lasts barely longer than a second, but when his eyes flutter open, he delights in the way Jaekwan’s face has turned red from their proximity only for him to cough harshly, clearly not expecting Choi to make such a bold move. But fuck it all, right?
“Aigoo, I only wanted you to relax, but it seems I messed up? Haha…”
Jaekwan only glares at him, but it’s hampered by the tears in his eyes from the coughing. He expects a scolding, so he’s surprised when all Jaekwan does in retaliation is unzip his bureau jacket and wrap it around Choi’s shoulders. Why would he… ah, because he shivered? Did he think he was cold?
Choi’s chest tightens. His hoobae really is the most attentive person in the world.
“Choi,” he says, surprisingly serious. “You don’t have to keep doing this.”
And his heart promptly drops out of his chest.
“What…?” Did he figure me out?
He doesn’t quite guard his expression quickly enough because Jaekwan immediately rushes into an explanation. “Ah, no, what I meant was…” He looks away, then sighs. “I know there’s a lot of things you do for my sake, but… there’s nothing you need to do to keep me here.”
Slowly, Jaekwan takes hold of his wrist. It’s not the first time he’s initiated any kind of physical contact, but this is the first time Choi’s been so embarrassingly conscious of it.
“I won’t leave you.”
And Choi’s heart breaks. He didn’t think he could be read so easily.
He barks out a broken laugh. “Jaekwan-ah, there’s nothing to worry about.”
Jaekwan’s expression softens. “I’m always going to worry about you.”
“Huh? What’s gotten you so honest today? Did you drink some of my soju earlier? Haha….”
Jaekwan levels him with an unimpressed look, then sighs. “Don’t joke around. I meant what I said. The Black Tortoise team is what I’ll always return to. The bureau, the office… and you.”
Jaekwan’s hold shifts so that their fingers slot together, but Choi barely notices. Jaekwan’s words just now aren’t processing, and he feels his stomach churn with anticipation.
“You’re the one I come home to, because you were the one who made our team a ‘home’ in the first place.” He looks away, and Choi is momentarily relieved to be away from his piercing gaze, but his words strike even truer. “That includes Kim Soleum-ssi, too.”
“...It sounds like you’re going to run off and find him.”
“Isn’t that something you’re more likely to do?”
Choi sniffs. Damn, he really might cry. Alcohol and cigarettes are a terrible combination for him. “Well, of course. I’d drag him back by the neck if I could. He’s not getting away with this. Not even a proper goodbye to the sunbaes who raised him? And what about the Elder who treated him so kindly?”
“We’ll have a long discussion when he gets back.”
‘When’ he gets back… he thinks. He doesn’t dare label the feeling in his chest as hope, but it flutters helplessly, bringing his focus to the warmth of Jaekwan’s hand still holding his.
“...When did you become such a sweet talker?” he mutters. His self-restraint is slipping.
Jaekwan leans closer, rubbing his thumb across Choi’s knuckles in a way that would almost be flirtatious if it weren’t Jaekwan. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Choi huffs. “Clearly not!” He lets the rest of the cigarette fall between them, stomping it out with his foot, and holds Jaekwan’s face in his hands. “Then you can’t blame me for what happens next.”
He really doesn’t mean to go that far, but for the second time that evening, Jaekwan surprises Choi with his initiative.
He closes the gap between their lips, and Choi barely has the time to savor the feeling before he moves away, as if he’s cautious of Choi’s reaction. And yes, he’s definitely shocked, but the nicotine or the leftover alcohol is making him braver tonight, and he pulls Jaekwan in for another kiss, tasting the remnants of cigarette smoke off his lips. He doesn’t let up for air until he feels lightheaded, Jaekwan’s arms bracketing him against the balcony. Jaekwan’s face looks as red as his own face feels, and he especially likes the way his eyes are focused solely on him.
Choi lets his arms rest on Jaekwan’s shoulders, staring up at him and feeling stupid for all the wrong reasons. “...I didn’t expect that from you.”
Somehow, for all the cheesy things Jaekwan had gone and said, this is what gets him to second-guess himself. “Sorry,” he says, more nervous than Choi’s ever seen him. “Was that not–”
“Oh, no, you didn’t misunderstand,” Choi says quickly. “I just. Uh. I kind of placed you strictly off limits in my head.”
Jaekwan tilts his head in confusion, and Choi bites back a grin. It’s a familiar gesture that Soleum used to do, and it seems that he’s picked up on it accidentally.
He moves to explain, trying not to get distracted. “I thought what you needed was a family. There was no place for my feelings there. Guess I didn’t have to worry too much about that.” It almost feels like those past months of poorly suppressing his feelings were all for nothing, except, well, for that period in time where it drove Soleum crazy to see them together.
The night breeze blows against their faces, and the stark coldness of the wind both calms them down and makes them more aware of their surroundings. Hurriedly, he takes Jaekwan’s hand and brings him back inside where it’s warmer and more private. He thinks they should talk a little more, but a yawn sneaks up on him. The events of the day are catching up to him, and now he feels like he needs a long nap.
Jaekwan seems to notice before he does. “I think you should rest now, Choi.”
“Mm,” he replies, yawning again. “I assume you’re spending the night?”
“If it’s not too much trouble. I’m fine with the couch, as usual.”
“...Alright.”
The fact that Jaekwan already knows where the spare pillows, blankets, and pajamas are should be embarrassing, but it’s the fact that Choi had prepared them immediately after Jaekwan stayed over for the first time that’s more telling; he’d tied the rope around his neck and handed it to this man before he’d even realized it. The realization sobers him, and he realizes he can’t let tonight end without saying one last thing.
“You… you have to look after yourself, you hear? We can rarely afford second chances.”
“Me? I’m not the troublemaker between the two of us.” Still, recognizing the serious atmosphere for what it is, he faces Choi head on. “You too, Choi. Don’t do reckless things that put your life on the line. You’re just as important to me.”
Choi nods, but he keeps his mouth shut. They both know he’s not capable of making that promise.
“...I’m not going to stop looking for Grapes-ie, Daydream be damned.”
“I know. I won’t stop you.”
“...Then that’s all the support I need.” He leans in for another kiss, giggles at the way Jaekwan’s nose wrinkles in distaste at the taste of cigarette ash, and steps away in the direction of his bedroom.
He wakes up the next morning with a headache, half his body falling off the couch, and an emptiness in his heart carved in the shape of someone who's no longer here, but as he counts the beats of Jaekwan's heart, he finds that he doesn't regret a single thing.