Chapter Text
Rihyarda, how could you leave me?!
How could you betray me like this?
Mother, how could you take her from me??!
NO!!!!!! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!!! I CAN'T…!!!!!!!
Guttural screams of anguish filled my mind as a thunderous and explosive heat threatened to burst from my body. The pain was more than anything I'd ever felt in my life, and a very real sense of dread and doom came to the forefront of my mind, and with it, memories of what to do to steady your heart rate. Maybe it could apply here??
Hey, just breath deep breaths. Take a deep breath. Now hold it. Hold. Now breathe out.
I couldn't tell if it helped. My body was wracked in pain, and I could feel my skin bubbling all over. The sense of foreboding didn't go away, and the heat kept building, like it was about to burn me alive.
Wait, did the voice say "Rihyarda?"
The unusual name distracted me long enough to suddenly realize something. No, this couldn't be…
So I tried it. I tried to imagine the heat as a sheet of fabric, and I tried imagining a box. No, its too much right now, just squeeze together. SQUEEZE DAMN YOU!
And just like that, the heat receded.
I opened my bleary eyes, and I could feel my sweat cool against my skin, almost too cold in the sharp contrast to what I had just experienced. I could finally catch my breath.
After another moment, I tried again, imagining the heat as a fabric, folding it neatly like laundry, shoving it into a small thin bag like those cheap ones you used to be able to buy at the checkout line, and then shoving that into another, bigger bag, pushing it to the very bottom of a hiking bag to make space with expectations for more luggage later. Trying to imagine it as a sleeping bag was a little too unwieldy. It doesn't matter anyway.
What mattered was where I was right now. I opened my eyes again to take in my surroundings.
I was laying in a bed, with a rather thick canopy above me. I couldn't sense anyone else in the room, but there was something about this place...
Is this…
And just as suddenly, a huge rush surged through my mind, memories unburdening themselves onto me through shocks of lightning, memories of pain, a child's desire to please their parent, malicious remarks, comparison, judgment, and the bare minimum of care from a woman I called mother. Memories of Rihyarda, of her kindness and love, of the news that she was being taken away from me… to attend my newborn, and allegedly sickly, baby brother. Of my father, who would look at me with a vague sense of concern. Of my uncle, who showered me with kind smiles. Of Karstedt, the older boy my mother had torn down at every turn and ensured I would be educated to be superior to, only to watch him be demoted at the birth of a son to the Aub, and the very real threat to my own potential change of status. Then the memories again returned to all the pain she inflicted upon me, all in the name of my education. Of the silent but sad faces of adults in the room who did nothing.
Feeling all of these feelings at once, I couldn't help but feel this poor girl's despair, which was now mine. All of her suffering and pain.
And now this deep sense of grief and betrayal.
…Georgine.
That was my name. That was this girl's name. Oh god. Oh no.
With the torrent of memories and accompanying pain subsiding, I sat up in panic, then looked at my hands. They were a child's hands. It was jarring to see.
Then a thought occurred to me.
"Georgine?" I thought to myself.
No response.
"Georgine? …Can you hear me?" I whispered under my breath.
Nothing.
Of course I wouldn't be lucky. This wasn't some cute light novel or fanfic. Of course I wouldn't have someone I could talk with in my head. I was Georgine now.
Fuck.
I sat in silence for a while, hunched over, hugging myself.
After taking another deep breath, I decided to try to settle my emotions. It came easier than I expected.
Hey, universe, just because I like Villainess stories doesn't mean I would WANT to be in one.
I had read and loved the Ascendance of a Bookworm series. It had been my new hyper-fixation for the past three years or so. I had gotten deep into the rabbit hole, even reading fanfics for the first time since middle-school, and I had been reading them every second I could for the past year after I had already re-read the series. I had been itching to write one myself, and a villainess one about Georgine at that! And then I suddenly died.
At that thought, I was overcome with a new wave of grief and worry about my past life, and my own mother who I had left behind. I thought of the pain she must be in now. Of all the trouble I left her with. Of how difficult everything would be for her.
I was a terrible daughter.
My mother had constantly worried about how she would leave me behind when she eventually passed, and how difficult it would be for me. But I never spared a thought about the reverse. I never made any preparations. Instead…
Is this my punishment?
It was a sobering thought. My mother loved me, but I was often self-serving in how I lived. And now she's gone. And I'm gone. And I'm here.
I found myself staring at the middle distance for a while, when a voice suddenly sounded from behind the bed curtain.
"Milady? It is time to prepare for dinner."
The voice had snapped me out of my fog. How long had I even been in this state? My body tensed as I tried to peer beyond the curtain.
"…I see," I replied at length, trying to wipe the sweat from my brow and cheeks. I was positively drenched.
The curtain opened, revealing a young woman dressed as an attendant, who gazed upon me with a look of concern.
"Are you feeling unwell, milady?" She asked.
"…Yes," I replied, then paused for a moment before continuing. "Beatrice, could you ensure there is no one else in the room, I would like to speak with you privately."
"Of course, milady," she replied, a look of surprise flickering on her face before turning to send off the other attendants who had silently entered into the room along with her at some point. I then gestured towards an empty chair.
"Beatrice… I will be honest with you. As you have undoubtedly guessed, Rihyarda's departure… no, removal, from my retinue has had an adverse affect on me. I am not feeling very good, and as a consequence, I would like to let Mother and Father know that I will not be joining them for dinner for the next several days. I do not care if Lady Veronica complains. I… imagine that she is more than happy and occupied with my newborn sibling.
"Right now… I have a lot of thoughts I need to sort through. You may tell them I am feeling unwell, or something of the sort."
"Understood, milady. In the meantime, do you wish to take a bath before dinner? Perhaps it will relieve your mind and body to take a nice soak?"
"Yes, I think I shall. Thank you, Beatrice," I nodded at the pleasant thought and gave a rather pitiful smile to my attendant. "Oh, and one more thing," I called to Beatrice as she prepared to leave for preparations, "Could you retrieve a copy of the Bible from the castle library? I wish to study it as a form of relaxation for the rest of the evening."
"Of course, milady," she replied with a slight nod.
And so, I somehow managed to enjoy the rest of my evening to myself, familiarizing myself with the adult retainers in my retinue, partly to see how pervasive their loyalty to Veronica might be, and doing my best to familiarize with my new surroundings at a comfortable pace.
As I laid in bed, with the day settling in behind me, I turned my thoughts to my foreknowledge of the events of this world and its story. There was... so much to do.
Exhausted by that thought alone, I decided to try Rozemyne's 4th compression stage, and immediately passed out from the exertion.