Work Text:
“...No…please.”
I looked up from my tinkering to where Grace lay sleeping. Humans slept weird, always moving and talking. How could that possibly be sleep? Did their brains and bodies not truly need rest? Such a strange species.
“I don't… no…”
And dreams. They saw fake things while they slept, bits of memories jumbled together by their squishy brains. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, usually nonsense.
“You’re murdering me!” Grace said forcefully, making me jump.
I dropped my tools. This was a bad one.
“Grace! Grace wake up!” I called out, hoping he’d hear me through the xenonite.
“I’ll… I’ll scuttle…” he thrashed his limbs, tangling himself up in the sheets.
“Grace!” I yell, a proper yell this time as I banged on the barrier between us. I had only hated our necessary separation more when our fishing trip went vents down.
Grace stilled somewhat, his cries turning to sobs. “You're killing me…killing… you-you can't…”
I clamber up to the platform I made next to his bed. “GRACE!!!”
He shoots up, still panicked, and begins to struggle against the tangled sheets.
“Grace!” I call his name again. “Dream not real!!”
He slows, looking at the blankets wrapped around his legs, then the white walls of the Hail Mary’s sleeping chamber, then finally to me.
“It’s not real.” I try to soothe. “Dream is not real.”
Grace bursts into tears.
Grace had nightmares often, but it seemed like after we began our trip to Erid they were much more common, nearly every night. Normally reassurances that they weren't real was enough to soothe him, to either get him back to sleep or to leave bed to do his self care tasks. He had explained that nightmares were only scary when you were in them, once you woke they seemed strange and faded.
“Not real, Grace.” I insisted, tapping on the barrier. “Dream not real.”
Grace sniffed wetly (ew) and wiped his nose with his arm (gross). “Rocky…”
I waited but he didn't say anything further, his diaphragm spasming as he hid his face from me.
“Grace? Grace say dreams not real. Dream not real.”
This set off another round of sobs from him. Each one seemed to scrape against my exoskeleton leaving me raw and aching. I hated my environmental needs, humans took great comfort from touch and I could not provide.
“What wrong??” I asked.
“It’s… it’s nothing.” Grace said, wiping his nose again (gross!).
“Not nothing!” I forced myself to sing quieter. “Grace not act like this for nothing.”
“I’m sorry, I’ll get it together.” He sniffled again (ew!).
“What. Wrong?” I said, knocking on the barrier for emphasis.
Grace is quiet for a very long time. He intakes breath like he wants to say something, pauses, then exhales.
Intake, pause, exhale.
Intake, pause, exhale.
Intake, pause,
“I’m a €@π¢#&, Rocky.”
“Need word!” I say. I know it’s not a nice one.
“Someone who’s too scared to do things when they need to be done.”
“Coward?! No!! Grace brave brave brave!!”
“No, I’m not.”
“Grace brave brave brave!!” I insist. “Grace save planet! Grace save Rocky!! Grace walk in space!!”
“Rocky-”
“Grace brave brave brave, come on mission knowing no way home-”
“I DIDN'T!” He shouted, then clapped his hands over his mouth.
“...What?”
“I… I didn't want to come on this mission.”
“But Grace on mission.” I said.
“Yeah. They… they asked me and I said no.”
“... But Grace on mission.” I repeated.
Grace lets out a single sob. “There were two other scientists I trained, they wanted to go. Then there was an accident and they both died.”
I didn't like what I was starting to put together. “And then Grace said yes?”
“No. They asked me and… I said no.”
But if he said no… then… how? “Rocky not understand.”
“Someone had to go. Someone who understood the astrophage.”
“But Grace say no.”
“Yeah. There wasn't time to train anyone else, we had to go.”
“But… Grace say no.”
“I did.” He swallowed heavily, as if it was a struggle to do. “They made me go anyway.”
“Made you?!” It was a struggle to keep my voice in his audible range.
“They locked me in a cell, a small room, until the day of the launch. They told the rest of the team that I was scared of the rocket so they could give me drugs to make me sleep early.”
I have nothing in reply but a high pitched warble.
“Then…” he pauses, gripping fistfuls of his blankets.
There was more, dear song there was more. How much more could be done to someone? Flinging him off into the great void to die alone wasn't enough?!
“Before the ship left I was given a drug that made me forget everything so that when I woke up I would think I agreed to this. So that the others wouldn't know.”
But there were no others, the others died in their sleep. There was only Grace. Alone, confused, so far from anyone that could give him comfort.
The eridian brain could not forget. Memories did not go away like they seemed to for humans. To take them through force… an unthinkable horror. My vents flared with rage. The crime of crimes, committed against the one to save their planet. I wished that he hadn't sent the pod. If this was the cruelty humans were capable of maybe they should all fucking freeze to death.
“I-I’m sorry!” Grace said, devolving into sobs. “I’m a coward, I don't deserve-”
“No, no!” I pressed myself to the barrier as close as I could, arms outstretched into the hug I wish I could give. “You are still brave brave brave!! You save stars anyway!! You come back for Rocky!!”
Grace leaned against me, curling himself up until he could hide his face in his knees and cried. I briefly thought about going for my ball but it was clear that Grace wanted to be on the other side of the hug, something my ball could not do. I would need to work on a new way to exist in his atmosphere. And maybe some sort of weapon to send back to earth so I can subject the ones that did this to him to the same fate.
“Grace brave brave brave.” I repeated. “Grace good.”
He shook his head, still hiding in his knees. I could see tears and mucus dripping down his face and onto the bed below him.
“Grace. Brave. Brave. Brave.” I insisted. “Grace spacewalk. Grace rescue Rocky. Grace come back for Rocky. Grace brave brave brave!”
He finally nods, but I could tell he doesn't really believe me. That’s fine. I’ll keep telling him until he does. As long as it takes, I’ll tell him how brave he is for the entire trip back to Erid.
No. When we get to Erid I will make sure he never has to be brave again.