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It’s ten in the morning and Oikawa is lying in bed, legs and arms entangled with Iwaizumi’s when it dawns on him. He stands up carefully and walks to the bathroom in an attempt to not wake up his still-sleeping boyfriend. He looks in the mirror, leaning on the sink, and takes a deep breath.
“Two whole years,” Oikawa breathes out. Two years since he admitted to himself that he was gay. Two years since his suicide attempt.
He inhales sharply again as he remembers wanting to die. He ‘came to terms’ (if you can call it that, he lightly chuckles) with the notion he was gay and he couldn’t handle it. All the feelings building up to that realization overflowed and pushed him over the edge. He remembers running the bath and stepping in and then the next thing he knew he was in the hospital, his head throbbing, his arms wrapped in bandages.
After that it was weeks of convincing family, and friends, and doctors that he wasn’t going to do it again. That he was fine. That just existing didn’t make him want to hurl. And eventually it worked and he was finally seen as a real person again. A person who didn’t need to be protected from everything.
It was three months after when Oikawa’s mother told him it had been Iwaizumi who found him in the bathtub, bleeding to death.
“Tooru,” Iwaizumi walks up behind him and wraps his arms around Oikawa’s waist, effectively cutting off his train of thought, “What are you thinking about?”
“Two years ago,” Oikawa says. “It’s been two whole years.” Iwaizumi instantly knows what he’s talking about.
“Are you ok?” Iwaizumi asks gently. He runs his thumb up and down Oikawa’s arm.
“Yeah, I think so,” Oikawa says breathily. He lightly shakes Iwaizumi off of him and walks back to the bed where he sits down. He’s just wearing boxers and a ratty t-shirt and the scars on his legs and arms are all exposed. He stares down at the two vertical pink lines running up his left and right forearms.
“You know I did it because I was gay right?” For years he despised every fiber of his being for being born the way he was. He hasn’t said it out loud before, but he figures Iwaizumi knows.
Iwaizumi follows Oikawa back to the bed and sits down, facing him.
“Yeah, I know,” Iwaizumi smiles briefly and pecks Oikawa on the lips, “And the fact that in just two years you’ve come from that dark place to having our relationship. I’m so proud of you.” Iwaizumi smiles and kisses him again, but this time Oikawa pushes him away.
“Don’t you think my scars are gross?” Oikawa asks bluntly. He’s like this and Iwaizumi knows it. Although Oikawa appears self assured and confident, he needs that frequent affection and affirmation that Iwaizumi gives him.
He looks down again. All over his thighs are angry pink and white lines. There are words too. Mostly slurs directed at himself.
“Tooru, of course not. I could never. As cheesy as it sounds, they’re part of you and they show your story,” Iwaizumi gently puts his hand on Oikawa’s upper thigh, brushing the prominent words ‘fag’ with his thumb. “I love every part of you.” Oikawa closes his eyes and rests his head on Iwaizumi’s shoulder.
“What was your first thought when you found me in the bathtub?” Oikawa mumbles softly into Iwaizumi’s neck. He can feel Iwaizumi stiffen as the words register.
“I was so scared I thought I was going to die,” Oikawa sits up and Iwaizumi continues to speak, “You were passed out in your bathtub, I thought you were dead, Tooru. All the water was red and it looked like you were floating in your own blood. I thought you were dead and I don’t really remember much else; it’s mostly a blur. I know I called 119. After that I was in the hospital with you.” Oikawa can see the tears start to well up in Iwaizumi’s eyes.
He opens his eyes and sees his parents. They look so worried, but Oikawa can’t bring himself to care. He ignores them, feeling frustrated tears coming. He wants to scream, cry, anything to get them out of his room. Oikawa closes his eyes again, trying to avoid his parents’ presence. After some time he falls back asleep. This time when he wakes up his parents are gone.
“Shittykawa,” it’s Iwaizumi this time and Oikawa almost smiles. Iwaizumi stands up and walks over to his bed and sits on the edge.
“Hey,” Oikawa croaks out.
“I can’t fucking believe you, you complete asshole,” Iwaizumi starts crying, “I was so fucking scared Tooru, I-” he cuts himself off to take a deep breath. Tears are steadily falling down Iwaizumi’s face.
He wants to say he’s sorry. But he’s not.
“It’s ok,” Oikawa says instead.
“It’s not, Tooru. You did this to yourself and it’s really not ok,” Iwaizumi doesn’t say anymore after that, they just sit there together in the silence.
“I’m sorry I put you through that, Hajime,” Oikawa smiles and pulls Iwaizumi into a kiss, “I love you so much, thank you for being here.”
“Of course, Tooru. I love you too,” Iwaizumi murmurs back.