Chapter Text
After many, many, years of essentially living in the hospital, Chishiya thought the he could confidently say that the most annoying sound in them was the steady beeping that played on loop. It was not often that Chishiya was proven wrong, so congratulations were in order for Arisu’s father for the achievement.
Thankfully, he had drawn the curtain, sparing himself the effort of trying to school his expression as the sad excuse of a parent completely berated his son for how worthless he was not even a full week after his heart stopped.
‘Worthless.’
As if the fawn like boy hadn’t saved the lives of everyone remaining in the Borderlands at the end. Not that he would know that, but the point remained.
The careers that he kept suggesting were dull and nowhere near what Arisu would be capable of. Nothing to challenge him, he would be bored. He could tell that Arisu had all but shut down, just entertaining the man until he eventually left.
“Well, you are certainly not going home to that.” Chishiya said as the door clicked shut.
“Chishiya?!”
He huffed in amusement, then pulled the fabric to the side. “Who else? What? Did you think I was sleeping through all that?”
“I mean I had hoped.” Arisu grumbled, lifting a hand to scratch his scalp. “Sorry, he just—”
“You don’t need to apologize for him Arisu, I have plenty of experience with less than stellar father figures.”
Arisu’s eyes went wide. “Really? Oh. Then yeah… its exhausting. But it’s not really like I have a choice. I do want to change, but I still don’t have a job and if I want to go back to school… He’s not completely wrong either before this I…”
Watching Arisu try to soften just how terrible his father was, bringing all the blame onto himself, only irritated him more. No wonder he was so easy to manipulate at the Beach- so eager to please and prove himself useful. Not for the first time was he glad that the doe eyed boy had survived his schemes. How someone treated so cruelly could end up so good was still a mystery to him. One that he desperately wanted to unravel.
“Move in with me.” Chishiya said, cutting off Arisu’s ramblings.
“What?”
He smirked. “I have a spare bedroom and a sudden desire to be a better person. Feels like providing you with a place to stay where you can actually focus on healing is a good first step.”
“I mean…” The hesitation was clear on his face. “Are you sure? I’d like to think we’re friends now, but… I know I can be a lot.”
“Do you think I would offer if I wasn’t sure Arisu? I thought you knew me better than that. Yes, I’m sure.” Chishiya said, raising an eyebrow.
Finally, Arisu smiled, laughing a bit as he relaxed. “Fair. Alright, it can’t be worse than living at home. I’m in.”
Despite his long held belief that living alone was the superior living arrangement, having Arisu as a roommate wasn’t terrible. He found he even enjoyed it at times. Chishiya figured it was an effect of how much he had been forced into cohabitation in the Borderlands, but even still having someone there wasn’t as annoying as he had expected it to be.
He had shown up with Usagi and a concerningly small number of belongings. Understandably, she was rather suspicious of the offer and had tried to convince Arisu to stay with her. Given the past it was fair and Chishiya would not have begrudged him if Arisu had decided to go with her instead. But Arisu just smiled and assured her that everything was okay- that with Chishiya being in school and him on his way it would be more convenient.
Arisu was still a bit skittish around him at first. Slowly but surely, however, he seemed to settle. The things that Chishiya thought would be annoying about having a roommate started to become endearing. More of his apartment was inhabited and he started to become rather comforted seeing the clutter of another person accumulating in new places.
It was nice to not be the only one in the house as well. He found he quite enjoyed hearing Arisu shuffle around the house as he rested. It was proof he wasn’t alone. Though he didn’t often, having someone around to talk to without having to pretend the Borderlands didn’t exist was a relief. The frustratingly slow healing process made easier with someone he could commiserate with.
Before too long Chishiya was back in the thick of his lectures, all of his time either studying or attending class. The university had been generous in letting him catch up instead of making him retake the year, but the already massive workload was essentially doubled. More than once, he lost track of time in the midst of his studies. He’d blink and the entire day would have gone by and exhaustion and hunger would war. Exhaustion often won.
There was nothing he could do about it though, the desire to be better left him feeling guilty if he wasn't pushing forward.
He was nose deep in diseases of the gastrointestinal system, a cruel irony given the way his stomach ached, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Chishiya jerked at the unexpected touch and turned to see Arisu looking down at him.
He pulled his headphones away from his ears to rest on his neck. “Did you need something?”
“Sorry! I know your busy, but I couldn’t remember the last time I saw you eat so I…” Arisu looked away. “Sorry it was probably stupid, you-”
“Calm down, I thought you’d have been less intimated by now. Out with it Arisu~” He chuckled at the embarrassed flush that colored his cheeks. He wanted to reach out and feel just how warm the excess blood would make his skin.
“Right sorry. Here., I thought you might be hungry.” Arisu stammered.
Chishiya glanced at the plate Arisu was holding out for him before taking it carefully from his hands. Apples cut into neat slices and a little container of peanut butter. a slice of toast with avocado on it with… “I- I can’t eat the toast but-”
“It’s vegan feta. The bread is vegan too. I made sure of it.”
“You did?” Chishiya asked, clearing his throat at the tambour of his voice.
Arisu laughed. “Of course I did. Why would I make you food you can’t eat?”
He just blinked at him, unsure of how to respond. Logically that made sense, but no one had made him food in as long as he could remember, let alone to his preferences that he didn’t tend to make known. When had Arisu even learned that he preferred to eat vegan when he could? In the Borderlands he never kicked up a fuss- food was food when you were that low on resources- and he was sure they hadn’t talked about it before.
“Oh.” He said lamely after entirely too long.
“Also! I made you some tea and filled your water bottle.” Arisu explained hastily turning to move the beverages from the side table to where Chishiya was set up. “But I’ll get out of your hair, I know you have that test coming up.”
Chishiya watched as he flitted away, fluffy hair bouncing as he made his retreat. “Thanks? I think?”
The strange behavior didn’t stop there. Arisu kept bringing him food and drinks, encouraging him to take breaks and rest. One day Chishiya opened the refrigerator to grab creamer for his morning coffee to find a bag with his name on in. He dubiously pulled it out to find it packed with two small meals and a plethora snacks full of protein and a note from Arisu.
He didn’t know how to handle the care and how tight his chest was becoming from these acts of kindness. Chishiya thought he’d gotten used to the apparently unending care that flowed so easily from Arisu, but it felt like he couldn’t breathe. Maybe this was also guilt? He’d just… return the favor.
Catching the sight of the clock brought him back into the world. No time then. Chishiya pushed the feeling down and out of his mind for the moment, he had a full day of classes and was shadowing at one of the surgical programs he was hoping to do his residency at. He’d deal with it later.
He became more attentive to Arisu’s habits after that day. If he was going to repay him, Chishiya was going to excel at it. Unfortunately, it wasn’t helping the strangling feeling inside him.
Chishiya learned to tell when the anxiety spiral in Arisu’s head was about to reach a peak and would step in to ease the burden. He learned that if Arisu went too many days without doing something completely non-productive, he would start to be less and less able to concentrate, which would only serve to frustrate him more. So Chishiya put in his calendar that on Saturdays he needed to find something for the two of them to go do.
Naturally as they intentionally spent more time together, their routines started to intermingle. It was just what they did now. Chishiya made Arisu a cup of coffee in the morning to help him kickstart the day, Arisu appeared at some point in Chishiya’s studies with something to eat and with some exceptions neither of them was to work past a certain time.
The more Chishiya learned about him, the more he got to know Arisu outside of the fight for survival where they had met, the more that strange new feeling of guilt grew. How close Chishiya had come to snuffing out that light in the Borderlands. The 10 of Hearts starting when it did was the only reason Arisu was still breathing. That any of them were breathing.
Maybe the guilt would never go away, Chishiya concluded. Even now with how close the two of them were, even with how much Chishiya wanted to and did return every kindness extended to him it never felt enough. Every day he felt more and more sick with it. Every genuine smile sent his way felt like thorns being lodged into his veins. Chishiya felt like he was bleeding internally, leaving him weak under Arisu’s attention.
The worst episode came after something insignificant. They walked to a coffee shop they had found not too far from their apartment. Arisu suggested they take a break from studying and Chishiya insisted on paying. It was an oddly pleasant evening. That was until they received their cups back and Arisu went bright red.
“Arisu?” He asked, brow furrowed in concern.
He ignored Chishiya, just shaking his head and bowing to the barista watching him with a smile.
“I’m flattered.” Arisu said. “But I don’t want to get your hopes up. I’m not really-”
This time it was the worker who went red. “Oh. Sorry, you’re- right. I should have realized.”
“What are you-” Chishiya started inspecting Arisu’s cup to make sure nothing was wrong with the drink until he saw numbers on the sleeve. “Oh.”
The girl turned to him. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t think. Here!” She turned to the bakery display and quickly moved several treats into a bag before handing them over to Arisu. “As an apology. Please forget this ever happened.”
“Forgotten.” Arisu said quickly and then shuffled the two of them out onto the street to make their way home.
Once they were a few blocks away, he started laughing. “Oh god could I have been anymore awkward? I probably should of just not said anything but she’s so nice and I would feel bad if-”
“You were fine.” Chishiya said, rolling his eyes. “Kind to a fault, like always.”
The smile he received in return was bright. “Thanks Shiya. At least we got free cookies out of it right?”
“Right.”
But when Chishiya went to bed that night, the only thing he thought he ‘got out of’ the ordeal was the realization that Arisu wouldn’t always be around. He might not have been interested in that girl, but eventually he would fall in love with someone and leave Chishiya alone again.
The pain in his chest came back with a vengeance, stealing his breath away and strangling him from the inside. His throat hurt and he kept coughing trying to keep himself from sobbing even as tears flowed from his face.
Chishiya didn’t understand why he hurt so much. Arisu was his friend and this arrangement was never meant to last forever. He wanted him to be happy. Chishiya was trying to be a better person, he shouldn’t be dreading Arisu’s happiness just because he had made him a few lunches and encouraged him to sleep.
Arisu, the self-sacrificing idiot he was, would promise Chishiya he’d never leave if he saw how upset he was at just the idea that he might and Chishiya couldn’t have that. He had plenty of practice with shutting his feelings off to push forward. So Chishiya decided after allowing himself tonight’s pitiful display he just… wouldn’t let himself feel the bone crushing guilt anymore.
He took a deep breath, held it until he felt his lungs would burst and then let it out slowly to push it out. Miraculously as he did, the pain started to abate. With a few more repetitions it was gone. Chishiya sighed with relief and let himself fall asleep.
In the morning, Chishiya felt lighter as he pulled himself out of bed. It was the most well rested he had felt in as long as he could remember. Quietly he put together his coffee as well as Arisu’s before he moved to the couch to read a few chapters of a book Kuina had recommended while he waited for Arisu to emerge and start their day.
Enthralled he reached to the side and brought the mug to his lips only to find that the liquid had gone cold. Chishiya sat straighter. How long had it been and where was Arisu? He was far from a morning person, but Arisu had been consistently dragging himself out of bed at the same time every morning in preparation for his classes coming up. Something wasn’t right.
“Arisu?” He called.
When he didn’t get a response he sat his cold mug back on the table, stood from where he rested and made his way to Arisu’s room. He paused at the closed door and gave a cursory knock, announcing he was coming in.
Arisu looked horrible.
He was lying on his side, curled up in the fetal position. His skin looked entirely too pale and Chishiya could see the light sheen of sweat covering him and the slight shake of his body.
“Arisu?” Chishiya asked again
Doe like eyes fluttered open and sluggishly found his own. “Shiya? I-” Arisu let his head fall again. “Sorry, I think I might be sick.”
Chishiya couldn’t help the startled panicked laugh. “You think?”
“Yeah. Sorry, I-” Arisu groaned as he tried to sit up.
“Easy….” He cautioned, “Don’t want you to pass out.”
Arisu took a labored breath. “I’ll be okay, but you probably shouldn’t get too close to m-”
He gagged, hand flying to cover his mouth, and then Arisu was sprinting to the bathroom where he started to cough violently.
Chishiya rushed after him, finding Arisu on the floor next to the toilet as his body tried to force whatever was making him so ill out of his system. He knelt next to him, rubbing calming circles against his back as his body was ravaged.
Finally, the coughing stopped. Arisu was still shaking and his skin cool to the touch as he caught his breath again, eyes closed. Chishiya sighed, he hoped that was the worst of it. He was starting to think through the possibilities of what on earth could have come on so suddenly.
The panic was clear even through his wrecked voice when he gasped, “Chishiya?”
Chishiya’s eyes snapped back open. Arisu was looking at him, terrified, with his hand held out. What he saw on them was worse than anything he could have ever imagined.
His blood ran cold. It didn’t make sense. This was Arisu. He wore his heart on his sleeve. How could this happen to him? But the proof was right there in the palm of his hand.
A flower petal.