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Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
Assigned to tropical metropolitan area, especially in the middle of summer always challenged Yelena. Scorching heat seemed to drain every cell in her body. It's became worse by the city's dense, crowded atmosphere. Cut her hair short was the best decision she ever made in this line of business. She had just finished another Val’s tedious assignment. Ahead of schedule, as always. Her mission was simply to ensure a certain scientist didn't sell off his dangerous research findings. Yelena had slipped into the hotel room, taken down the young man before he could even scream, and secured all his gadgets just as ordered. The man's screensaver was a photo of himself and a woman flanking the friendliest looking grey Old English Sheepdog Yelena had ever seen. At least there would still be someone to look after the poor dog.
Yelena swiftly left the hotel. Walked briskly past local coffee shops, and mingle with pedestrians heading towards Saigon city hall.
"Mommy! There's a huge clown in the sky! A little girl shrieked.
Being only few steps behind them, Yelena couldn't help but overhear then looked up. White blobs cloud spread across the bright blue sky above her. Unconsciously Yelena slowed her steps as her brain rewind an old memories.
A little girl with curly blonde hair walked along the sidewalk in her favorite blue canvas shoes. One of her tiny hands held onto the only woman she considered as a mother.
"Mommy! Look, there’s a giant ice cream up there!"
"Hmm... ice cream?" her mother hummed.
"Yes, a huge one! As big as Daddy! It wouldn't run out even if I let Nat eat some too." Her innocent eyes beamed at an abstract shape in the Ohio summer sky.
"You know, that’s a cumulonimbus," her mother explained. "It forms from water vapor condensing in the lower troposphere and growing all the way upward, carried by strong rising air currents."
Yelena did not understand a single word her mother said, yet she kept enamored by her.
“You see, when you spot a cumulonimbus, usually it would follow by a thunderstorm.” her mother continued.
“That’s why we need to walk faster. Because if a heavy downpour starts, we won’t be able to pick Natasha up from her friend’s house on time. And then we wouldn't be able to stop by the grocery store to buy some ingredients for dinner. That would upset daddy.” Yelena could feel Melina quickening her pace.
“If the ice cream clouds breakdown, then we’ll get millions little ice cream for dessert tonight!" Little Yelena hopped excitedly, tried to keep up with her mother’s steps. "I want a rum raisin chocolate!”
"You want rum raisin chocolate? Then I want mint chocochips." Melina bent down, then tickled Yelena's belly. Yelena giggled then bursted into laugh.
“Oh! Yes that’s a huge clown indeed deary.” the woman gentle words, brought Yelena back to Saigon's late afternoon hustle. “Do you think he’d dance if we asked him to?”
“Yes! Yes!” the little girl giggled then jumped up and down with delight.
The woman smiled and hummed a cheerful tune for her daughter.
Yelena took a deep breath. She turned into a quiet alleyway between Pho restaurants and a souvenir shop. The breeze between buildings cooled her a bit. She waited for the mother and child to pass by before taking out her burner phone. As the ringing tone sounded, deep down, Yelena hoped there were still a few years ahead before the little girl realized that the imaginary clown she saw was actually a storm cloud.
“Yelena!” Val’s voice came through on the line.
“Mission accomplished, Val.” Yelena sighed as the rumble of thunder heard in the distance. “What’s next?”
But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
* * *
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way
Strings of golden-glowing bulbs adorned the apartment rooftop. New York skyscrapers towered in the background, polluted the night sky with artificial lights. In the distance, Brooklyn Bridge stood firm unyield with the ages. Bucky leaned against the terracotta wall in the farthest corner. Carefully separated himself from the rest of the party. Tried to avoid the caterer who insisted that Bucky must tried on a slice of cucumber topped with hummus. On a make shift wooden stage, the wedding band played an acoustic version of a pop song Bucky didn't recognize. Leah and her husband waltzed happily, surrounded by family and friends who soon joined them on the dance floor. Yori marched closer, two glasses of sparkling champagne in hand.
“See that girl over there, the one with brown hair wearing the bridesmaid dress?” Yori murmured as he handed a crystal glass to Bucky. “Her name’s Junes. A distant cousin of Leah’s from Tampa.”
“What about her?” Bucky muttered.
“She wants to dance with you,” Yori casually replied, “She’s already requested for the next song. It's called ‘A Thousand Years.’ Famously known as a wedding song from the movie Twilight.”
Bucky frowned. “I have no idea what that is.”
Yori chuckled. “You don’t need to know what that is. You just need to say yes.”
“I have no intention in dancing with anyone tonight,” Bucky grumbled.
“That won’t do. It’s a wedding reception. You have to accept at least one dance invitation.” Yori insisted.
“Who made that rule?” Bucky asked.
“Me. Just now.” Yori sipped his drink.
“So, who are you going to dance with?” Bucky asked again.
“No one,” Yori replied quickly. “I’m a senior citizen. Old people don’t need to dance.”
“You know, I’m older than you.” Bucky raised his glass irritated.
“Doesn't look that way though.” Yori tapped the toe of his shoe, enjoying the rhythm.
Moments later, the music stopped. Junes walked over to them. Shyly, she asked, “So…?”
“Yori would be happy to dance with you.” Bucky straightened up.
Junes’s jaw dropped, while Yori jabbed at Bucky's ribs.
“I… I’ll go find someone else…” The poor girl turned around quickly.
“That’s rude!” Yori narrowed his eyes. “With that kind of attitude, how do you expect to win over potential voters?”
Bucky took a deep breath. “I’ll win the election by providing real help to the community, not through sweet words and fake empathy.”
“You still need to have a charismatic image first. Do you think public would be happy if the one who offer helps was brooding all the time?” Yori glared.
Yori certainly wouldn’t believe that there was time when Bucky didn’t need much effort to charmed anyone’s heart. Even with girls he wanted to date back then, including Dolores. He remembered her now. A sweet girl with thick blonde hair, long eyelashes, luscious lips, and rosy cheeks. He recalled how they had danced all through the night at the carnival. So lost in each other that he’d completely forgotten he had left Steve waiting under the Ferris wheel.
Thought about Steve no longer made Bucky’s heart heavy with a strings of abandonment. Dr. Raynor was right, people are free to make their own choices. Unfortunately, every decision lead to consequences, and most of the time, it is those closest to us who have to bear them.
“I know. I’ll work on my lack of social skills, but not tonight,” Bucky said finally. “I have to head back. There’s a charity event in the park tomorrow. You'll be okay walking back to your place?”
Yori waved his hands, "I'll stay around a little longer. They serve wagashi."
Yori didn’t stop him as Bucky walked away from the lively party. Just before he opened the door, someone called out, “Bucky!”
Bucky turned around.
“Thanks for coming.” Leah smiled sincerely.
“No problem.” Bucky nodded.
“I hope this isn’t part of your campaign.” Leah grinned, then quickly added, “I’m kidding, of course. We know you’d make a great representative.”
Bucky shrugged. “Thanks for the invitation. It’s been a while since I talked to Yori. Refreshment from all the campaign circus. Have a great night and, once again, congratulations Leah.”
Leah glanced at Yori who was just strolling the dessert table, "I'll make sure someone escort him safely home."
But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away
* * *
Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way
The anniversary of the Battle of New York has become the second hardest day in a year for Yelena, especially after she returned from the Blip. Number one, of course, Natasha’s birthday. On earlier years after the Blip, she would spend the day downing bottle after bottle of vodka, then wallowing in self-pity on the floor of her damp, musty-smelling bathroom. Last year, she had enough. Alcohols were no longer able to numb the pain, so she caused a scene by getting drunk at the memorial, beating up two young men who made jokes about Natasha. This year was even worse. This year she had a team of misfits to lead.
Various schedule for The New Avengers had been set a month in advance. There were parades, fundraising and charity work, visits to veterans' homes and children's hospitals, and finally, a gala dinner as the main event. Every member of The New Avengers were expected to carry these duties with grace. For even the slightest mistake, especially on this battle anniversary, would sparked the public to draw further comparisons between them and the original Avengers team. To prevent any mishaps, Val has assigned Mel to keep a sharp eyes on them. She was tasked to ensure that nobody skipped meetings with the PR team, stylists, or costume fittings.
Every member took a different approach on the matter. Walker loudly complained about how boring everything was, though Yelena knew he secretly enjoyed when the crowds cheered his name. Alexei tried added his creative ideas and improvised here and there (which Mel usually shot down before they could even reach Val’s ears). That poor girl deserved a raise. Ava barely endured the entire lineup of events, and vanished into thin air everytime Mel signaled that their mission for the day is accomplished. Bob, although exclude from any public activities, has become a wonderful emotional support for all. Always came up with new movie to watch together after long hours of interview. Or showered them with various take outs and sweets. Aside from Yelena, the only person who help tried to find a middle ground amidst all this chaos was Bucky. Yet Yelena was certain that even a super soldier had a limit to how much social interaction he could tolerate in a single day. Especially tonight, after being tasked with delivering a speech on how The New Avengers mirrored the resilience of Earth's citizens in facing of horrendous crisis.
No one bother to lingered on the Watchtowers common room after the jet landed, especially Yelena. She told Bob earlier this evening to not wait for the team tonight. She returned to her room, striped off the haute couture dress she had been wearing all night, and changed into gray jogging pants and a black hoodie that would easily help her blend in with the crowd. Without a second thought, Yelena grabbed a bottle of vodka from her nightstand before slipping out trough the fire escape.
Battle of New York memorial. It would be foolish to expect such a famous landmark which located just minutes away from New York City's largest train station would be free of crowds. Yelena wove her way through bunch of tourists busy snapping photos and recording videos. A sea of flowers, candles, and even action figures cluttered the step of the memorial plate, creating a distant between the visitors and the golden steel that declared that Earth's mightiest heroes had once stood there to defend the planet. Names were etched there, and yet her older sister appeared second from the bottom. A sight that never failed to made Yelena loathed with anger. A vile reminder that the universe undervalued Natasha Romanoff. The one who had sacrificed her soul for the sake of half the population. Yelena uncapped the bottle, ready to drain it right then right there, but before even half the vodka could reach her system, someone snatched the bottle off her hand.
Yelena turned her head around, ready to snapped out the person who dared to ruin her night even further. Her eyes found Bucky’s blue ones as he calmly finished off the rest of the vodka.
“Didn’t I tell you last year that I wouldn’t let you drink alone in this place especially on this day?” Bucky tossed the bottle into the trash.
Yelena swore in Russia.
Bucky hadn’t even bothered to change out of his tuxedo.
“Aren’t you supposed to be enjoying that viral video of your speech tonight?” Yelena glared at Bucky.
Bucky shrugged. “I’m not Walker or Alexei. I don’t have social media. Besides, you promised last month that you’d let me know if tonight gonna be hard to get through.”
Yelena looked down at the candles flickering in the night breeze. Her gaze fell upon the crochet doll that looks a lot like Natasha, which placed beside Captain America and surrounded by strands of purple verbena and forget-me-nots.
Yelena swallowed hard. She had been drown by her own grief that she had failed to remember, Bucky was feeling loss just as profound as hers. The only person who understood the heaviness that day brought to her. The one with whom she didn't need to explain things. Because they both understood each other transparently even beyond the memorial day. It was Bucky, that pulled her out of the chaotic situation she herself indulged last year. It was Bucky who hold her tight when she sobbed heavily and confess that she want nothing but to burned down that ridiculous memorial.
She glanced at him.
Bucky leaned his shoulder against hers. "Apology accepted."
Slowly, Yelena intertwined her fingers with Bucky’s vibranium ones. In times, the coldness of the material no longer made her flinch. It was no longer a weapon. It's a hand that protect.
"Do you think I made her proud?" Yelena whispered softly. "I mean... after everything we did with the New Avengers this year?"
"Natasha?" Bucky watched her fondly,"What I knew for sure is that you didn't have to do anything. You made her proud from the very beginning."
Yelena signed releasing the breath she hadn't realized she was holding.
For a moment, Yelena let herself immersed in the rhythm of the city. The chorus of honking cars form the distant, snatches of conversation from tourist while they recorded short videos for social media. The sudden squeals of people when they found mementos of their heroes amidst the vigil’s various trinkets. She stole a glance at Bucky. His gaze fixed on the golden plaque before them. Steve Rogers name seated on top of the list.
"They would never add our names on that." Yelena tilted her head.
"We wouldn't need to. Let the people judge, they don;t know the whole story." Bucky glanced at the crowd, "Beside I don't wish to be involve in any other messy intergalactic battle"
Slowly, Yelena squeezed her fingers and whispered, “I’m proud of you, James.”
His attention shifted to her in disbelief. It was the first time she had called Bucky by his first name.
“Thank you, love.” Bucky tightened his grip on Yelena’s fingers, as if reassured himself that everything was real.
“By the way, that crochet doll kind of reminds me of Ava,” Yelena mumbled, resting her head on Bucky’s broad shoulder. “You know, she started learning crochet with Bob and Mel lately.”
“That’s great,” Bucky stated. “I think you should start looking for a hobby that doesn’t involve blackened someone eyes, too.”
Yelena chuckled, "I'll try cooking then."
* * *
But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day
There were no order needed. From Val. From anyone else. The moment he find out that Sam had prosecuted the New Avengers, Bucky decided to fly to Washington, D.C. Mel simply nodded, her whole body trembled with fear, when Bucky asked her to keep his departure a secret from everyone, including Val and Yelena. He needed to hear the reason, with his own ear. On why his old friend treated his team like bunch criminal.
“You don’t deserve the title of Avengers. You guys ain't no heroes.” Bucky never expected Sam to deliver such a cold statement.
His old friend stood with his arms crossed, making no intention to invite Bucky inside his house.
“We didn't tried to be heroes,” Bucky answered honestly.
“Exactly! Because all you guys do is make things worse,” Sam snapped at him, “Working with the government? Covering their dirty missions? Project Sentri huh? You think I didn't knew that? That you guys a covering for a man who almost dragged the entire city into oblivion? What is it do you after? Fame? Money?”
“Sam!” Bucky exclaimed. “I thought you knew me better than that.”
Sam shocked his head. "I thought I knew you. But now, after seeing the kind of people you’ve chosen to work with, I doubt I ever really knew you at all."
"What kind of people do you mean?" Bucky tried so hard to suppressed his anger.
If it's not for the years he’d spent with Sam. For the fact that Sam, like Steve, had believed in him when the whole world turned agains him. He would have knocked Sam to the ground right there.
"John Walker." Sam hissed, "Have you forgotten how he trampled over Steve’s legacy? The blood he spatted on that shield? What would Steve thing if he saw you now?"
"Leave Steve out of this." Bucky warned coldly, "Besides, Walker has already paid for his mistakes."
"Ava Starr—a S.H.I.E.L.D. operative," Sam added.
"She’s not more than a victim," Bucky countered.
“And then there’s this Black Widow…” Sam’s eyes look dangerous.
Bucky clenched his fists with all his might. He could feel his entire body trembling. Anger build up like an old volcano waiting to be erupted.
“Nat gave up everything to free herself from the Red Room.” Sam’s words landed heavier than Bucky expected. “But this one… this one chose to keep doing the dirty work even after Nat freed her. Are you going to keep turning a blind eye? What have she done to you? She must have seduced you—that’s the Widows’ expertise, isn’t it?”
“SHUT UP!” Bucky growl suddenly his self-control vanished.
Sam flinched a little.
“You have no right to say anything about her! You don’t know her at all!” Bucky glared at Sam. “Do whatever you want. Drag us to court, take over the Watchtower, whatever! But I’ll make sure that we will not go go down without a fight.”
Sam fell silent. His face showed the same determination as Bucky’s.
“See you in court, then,” Sam said, ended their heated conversation.
Bucky nodded in agreement. “And that Black Widow has a name. Yelena Belova.”
The flight back to New York felt incredibly long. The dawn was nearly break when Bucky arrived at the Watchtower. He decided to clear his head before heading to his room, only to find someone waiting for him in the common room.
“Nitro cold brew.” Yelena held up a glass of bubbled coffee and handed it to Bucky.
Bucky blinked then took it.
“Oh, and I made waffles, too.” Yelena walked over to the oven. “Technically, Bob made it. I just helped out a bit here and there. And we didn't use instant mix.” Yelena chuckled lightly.
Bucky sat on a chair by the window followed by Yelena.
“How did the meeting go?” Yelena carefully placed the waffles on the table and sliced some butter.
“A meeting?” Bucky’s heart skipped a beat at Yelena’s question.
Yelena nodded. “Mel said the council members are summoning you to discuss a diplomatic mission.”
Bucky took a deep breath. He let Yelena cut his waffle into quarters, suddenly felt guilty for not told her the truth. “It sucks.”
“Yeah? I know it! You always hate diplomatic missions.” Yelena nodded. “That’s why you deserve more than just butter.”
Yelena hopped up her seat and strode over to the fridge. She soon returned with a bucket of ice cream. “Run raisin chocolate, your favorite.”
Bucky smiled, “What would I do without you love?”
“Nothing.” Yelena rolled her eyes.
Bucky sipped his coffee, enjoying the serious look on Yelena’s face as she tried to stack three scoops of ice cream onto his waffle. If only Sam could see this side of Yelena. A side Bucky knew she wouldn't easily reveal to others. How to make Sam understand that the world isn't always black and white? That life isn't simply a series of good deeds performed by good people and cruel acts committed by bad ones. Or that somewhere along the way even good people might have fall into hideous crime, and it works both ways. How couldn't people in the world see that?
That life have to be view from both sides. Yelena knew that as much as Bucky did. They once living though hell on earth, and to finally able to find each other is such a heavenly feeling.
“Your ice cream is melting,” Yelena pouted.
Bucky smiled and popped a piece of waffle into his mouth.
Eventually he would have to tell Yelena. That there was a threat far more excruciating than aliens invasion from an unknown galaxy. The threat of betrayal by someone closer to home.
All of that could wait. Right now, Bucky wanted to savor the time he had left with the person he loved. Someone whose green eyes lit up simply because an ice cream touched her tongue. A genuine, simple happiness in a world that was starting to crumbled into madness. Yes something lost, but something also gain in living everyday. After all, they were just two lost soul in a quest of redemption.
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all