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Harry doesn't really know when it started. Maybe it built up slowly , sneaking its way in without a warning sign. Or it came quickly that it was inevitable. In the end it didn't matter how it started, it mattered that it happened.
He never was violent. Growing up he learned early on that being nice and polite was the best way to live. Even in his angriest moments his mum knew that he loved her.
So why did he do it? How did he decide to be content with the man he turned out to be? For 2 years he was this way now. People have been putting up with his shit even longer than that. He was a hypocrite, wasn't he? Destroying the people he loved. Destroying himself, when all this time he thought that all this world was needed was love.
The First time Harry realized that things weren't the same was when after losing a case of a client the first thing that crossed his mind was to go to the pub down the road of his work, rather than going home to Louis and being reassured that he wasn't a complete failure.
Feeling like a failure was his biggest fear. Disappointing his mum, family and friends, Louis is something that he still fears, Naturally that's what he did. Unintentionally or not he hurt everyone around him. In some twisted way he felt relived whenever he saw the disappointment in Louis' face. It felt like a well deserved punishment.
However drinking become too familiar. Towards the end it never felt enough. Accepting the pills from his 'friends' didn't seem as scary and wrong like in the beginning. More nights were spend at parties than beside Louis in their own bed. It became a habit. That's what it all was, wasn't it? A bad habit created out of insecurities.
Harry also remembers when it all became too much, too much that even Louis felt the need to give up. “I can't do this any more, don't you understand? You're not the person that I fell in love with. This isn't fair to me. You don't even realize that you're throwing your life away for nothing! I've tried to help! I did everything for you!”, that was what Louis said. He remembers it clearly. Louis standing there in front of their couch, eyes filled with tears. His voice though was shakier than ever, it made Harry's heart bleed, knowing that he broke someone so strong as Louis
It wasn't like Louis was lying. He did try to help. He threw away ever single drop of alcohol they had in their home, started cooking, dropped Harry off at work and picked him up, even though he'd came to work late and leave earlier to be on time. But Harry of course found a way around it. He'd store alcohol bottles in the drawers of his desk at work, meet up with his 'friends' on lunch break to have smoke of whatever they offered. He couldn't really blame Louis for giving up, could he?
He watched him leave quietly, even then Louis did it slowly as if to give Harry another chance to realize how fucked he is. As always Harry was a coward. It wasn't fair, as Louis said. Louis deserved better, someone who didn't take Louis for granted, who gave him the world. And that wasn't Harry. Harry, who was too consumed with the idea of not deserving any forgiveness for all of his wrong doing. So he watched him go, breaking both of their hearts. Harry knew though that he, himself, was the one who broke both their hearts the first time that he had a sip of a drink.
Sadly Louis leaving didn't change anything. It didn't change a single thing.
The sadder part is the way Harry admitted he needed help.
New Year's Eve. It's not just the beginning of a new year; a chance to start anew, when people make promises to change their eating habits, work out more, be more successful than ever; but in the back of their minds they know they'll go back to their habits not even a month after the clock's strikes null.
For Harry and Louis though New Year's Eve had a whole other meaning. The first kiss they ever shared. The first time where both of them where confident enough to confess each other the love they felt. He still remembers the feeling of Louis' lips, how he tasted like the shot they had after losing a bet to Niall, and cigarettes and like home. That's what they were to each other. Home. Unbreakable. But alas that didn't feel true.
Now could you really blame him for losing control on such an important day for them? Without having Louis by his side for the first time in so long. He lost himself in the drinks and in the crowd, knowing that he lost his chance to be Louis' home ever again.
That's mostly the reason why he overdid it,because he's been feeling numb for years and months now, because he's been feeling the loneliest he has been for years.
So drinking it is then, drinking and snogging people he doesn't know, people he won't think of ever again. Maybe he does it to prove a point, that he doesn't need anyone else in his life or maybe it just makes him forget that Louis left. If he thinks hard enough he can imagine it's Louis that he's kissing, that it's Louis who holds him so close, touches his hair the way he wants it, but no one feels even remotely close to how Louis made him feel.
Like many things in his life he doesn't remember when the night turned to be probably the worst night of his life. He doesn't remember when he made the conscious decision to not stop, to just keep going and going. He drinks, accepts the pills from strangers and friends. He just wants to forget. Forget he existed, forget who he is and who he was.
Waking up has never felt more painful than it did after that night. His head felt as if it would eat itself up, his eyes even hurt when they were closed.
They told him he overdosed. On what he doesn't quite know. Nothing really mattered after hearing that he nearly died. How could he have been so stupid? Was he really ready to leave this world just for living through toxic intakes or was he scared of just that. Of living his life, making mistakes. But how could he ever undo this. The people that he hurt, people that he broke. How could he forgive himself for breaking his own heart.
He never wanted his mother to see him laying so miserable on a hospital bed. Worse than the one time he had to go to a hospital 'cause he fell down the tree that Louis made him climb up when they were seven. Watching her broke down just made him realize more how much he fucked up. This wasn't something that he could apologize for. A couple of heartfelt sorrys wouldn't ever be enough. For the first time in this 2 years he let himself break down. He sobbed in his mum's arms. Cried for himself, for his mum, for Louis It hurt admitting that he was foolish enough to let go of things that mattered to him the most, himself included. When his mum nearly even begged him to go to rehab that's what he did.
It wasn't easy. No one thinks that it's easy. Trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Trying to figure out who he wants to be. They were nights when he would do anything for just a sip of alcohol. He'd throw around his pillows, sheets, books and even broke chairs, just to let his anger out. He always felt so ashamed when he calmed down, he kept promising to get better, but was he really getting better when he still yearned for the numbness?
The change came as unexpected as before. He didn't realize that the good nights happened more often than the bad ones, where he'd wake up sweating and wishing he could have a drink.
Louis' first call came right on his 3th month anniversary of being clean. He thought it would have been all awkward with the way things ended between them. But Louis was as wonderful as ever. He asked about Harry, his stay in the rehabilitation centre and about his recovery. There wasn't much exciting things that Harry could've told him but Louis listened. Louis himself had found an apartment near their old one, close to the school where he worked as a teacher. He was doing alright considering the damage that harry had caused.
One of the changes that harry had to get accustomed to was talking about his feelings, so that's what he did. “I'm sorry for hurting you, for breaking us”, was what he wanted to say. “We've got time, love. Just be patient.”, was Louis' answer. At that time he didn't understand what he meant, but now here Louis was, picking him up from the rehabilitation centre on his last day. He looked beautiful. In this one year he didn't change that much, but that was Louis He never got older, not look wise and not personality wise. He smiled at Harry just like he used to do, as if everything was alright, and all of the damage never broke them.
“Hello, Haz. I missed you.”. It was never Harry's intention to break down in Louis' arms when he hugged him, but just like before he couldn't ever control his feelings around Louis. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”
They talked. It seemed that was something they always did. They talked about Harry's insecurities, about Harry being his own worst enemy. They talked about Harry being glad that Louis left him, that Louis was strong enough to realize that he needed to take care of himself too. But they also talked about being not afraid of each other any more, not holding back when it came to their emotions, 'cause that's what broke them in the first place. Not being able to feel safe and comfortable.
Looking back at everything Harry understands that him taking Louis' love for granted was one of the mistakes he made. Just relying on Memories showed him how scary it is to lose them. 'Cause how good can Memories be for you? How long until you forget details, until memories melt into each other until you can't decipher if it's true or not.
There will be days when it will feel like losing himself is the only solution, but he knows that he's only one chance. One Chance to make things right. To love the world. To love himself. “I'll be good”- that's his promise.