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She loves me.
Overlapping laughter between the two of them blended into a gentle harmonic melody as their feet padded along the streets, one after the other. Multicoloured flags floating in the breeze guided them down the twisted cobblestone pathways until their heads were dizzy and drunk from adrenaline. When An looked back, only for the brief second, the smile which reflected back made her heart still in her chest. A gentle curve of those round, pink, glossed lips, which formed creases in her pale skin. Freckles- like stars- which littered the round puffy cheeks tinted with a blossoming red. An could see the small gap in her two front teeth and the peeling skin on her button nose from where she had been burnt a few days prior. There was a fallen eyelash on her cheekbone and baby hairs which had escaped her flowing pigtails. Like the north star, her golden eyes allured her forward, taunting as they locked with her own in this strange push and pull they always had. She reached her hand to cup the squish of skin which was her face, watching the constellations of freckles move beneath her grasp. She watched the berry tones lips part further, revealing more of her cute crooked teeth. Her eyes, once the guiding star, now reflected flames of exuberance, pushing An to want; to indulge in the sweet vanilla scent of her clothes and the way her cap fell lopsided on her head. When An lifted her face, she leaned into it, squinting her shimmering eyes and hiding the light which An craved. She flew forward- like Icarus- to capture what she wanted. Those soft lips against hers. The glow of her eyes only staring back at her. Until she was lost in the sweltering heat which blistered her skin.
She only noticed she had flew too close too late.
-
She loves me not.
An awoke from her heat hazed dream in a sickening sweat which dribbled down her skin as she took in the murky colour of the ceiling. Instead of the sight of an angel before her, she was instead met with the insufferable buzzing of her phone and the grim shadows reminding her that they were due rainfall for the next week. With the dread of Mother Nature approaching her steadily, she dragged herself slowly off the bed with a groan as barely missed a heavy hit to the floor while trying to turn off that insufferable alarm. It was persistent: buzzing and rattling her phone against her tea-stained desk until she bumped her arm trying to turn it off. Muttering a profanity or two as she scrambled up, she started to consider if there was even a point to forcing herself out of bed today, until she remembered that her and the squad were due a dance practise. After the miserable school day, she will be greeted with her beloved's face, her sweet and gentle eyes staring in a way which would make An's heart rate erratic and her smile enough to nearly blind An from mere seconds of looking. She used her pyjama sleeves to scrub the sweat from her face, blindly stepping her way to the drawer to tug out whatever uniform was on the very top. It was only Monday morning, which was torturous for her heavy limbs which refused to fully cooperate. She missed her mouth initially when brushing her teeth, and nearly put on two completely different shoes. Her heavy backpack was slumped on the ground, the contents of it an alien mystery she concluded could be cleaned out another time. Instead, she took the risk of hoping the books she needed were in there that day, and hurried off with the dream still lingering in the back of her mind.
More and more frequently, those visions of Kohane had been appearing in her head. At first she had shrugged it off as yet another strange dream she had faced recently, one where Kohane had decided against being her partner and their squad never came to fruition. Naturally, she had been distressed; the concept of all of their work and achievements being dangled above their heads was a cruel joke at best and a horror story at worst. Maybe that what why her dearest was within her dreams so often, looking as angelic as heavens gate, because An had been reminded of how incredibly lucky she was to have Kohane by her side. She knew Kohane appreciated her too, it was what their partnership was about, and she wouldn't change a thing, at least apart from possibly their relationship status if given the opportunity. It wasn't a secret or anything, rather, An always expressed her love for Kohane as large as she could. Proclaiming that she was her singing partner at any given chance and making sure Kohane always had the first pick in the sweetest gifts and snacks. Whatever the occasion, she knew she could not go a day without her most lovely partner.
Even the presence of Kohane's name swirling in her mind made her feel better for the day which dragged along. Through the long math equations and English words which truly made no logical sense, she had traversed it all with the assurance that she would certainly see Kohane soon. Supposedly, she always made the same heartsick expression when she thought of the girl, as Akito shook her head at her the moment she settled onto her desk. It wasn't as if he was entirely innocent either: he could never take his clingy hands off his own singing partner. He even abandoned her to find Toya seconds into the bell ringing for lunch, leaving her to wander aimlessly around the school. She could have always found Nene, or followed Akito to invade his flirting time, but in times like this, she found herself reminiscing her hall monitor days, where she would patrol the hallways to look out for trouble. Back then, her steps gravitated toward when she knew the weirdo wombo combo, Rui and Tsukasa, would frequent, in case they had been conjuring schemes against humanity and the schools set of rules. Yet now, she naturally stepped toward her favourite places in the school. She enjoyed the library for its computers and books about the varied blends of coffee across the world, and she loved the sweet treats of the school cafeteria even more. She enjoyed lingering around the third classroom down the hallway of the second floor, as it was the classroom where she successfully passed her final classes to proceed to the next year, meaning she could still have classes with some of her closest friends. Lastly, she enjoyed the garden, due to the meticulous delicacy Rui always had when handling the plants. If she ever needed any new plants or ingredients to incorporate into her dad's cafe, she knew she could turn to Rui for advice or even supplies for what she needed. It was the gardens which she visited last during that lunch time, the cool breeze doing wonders against the stuffy fit of her blazer, when she peered over the beds of plants Rui and the gardening committee tended to.
Stalks steadily rose from the composted dirt upward to form flowers and food, all at their own unique stages. Many of the flowers appeared in bloom, showing off their magnificent petals and their fluttering leaves, while some of the smaller plants still had supports as they pushed to become strong like their predecessors. At this time of day, the sun could beat down on them, feeding them, until the roll of clouds meant it was time for them to wash down with rainwater. When An approached the plants, she realised there were no committee members in sight- which wasn't entirely rare- but still rather unlikely. They were unusually dedicated in paying constant attention to one of the school's many prides, yet it appeared everyone was having a rest day. Even Kamishiro. Perhaps that had even meant she had been the first one to spot it; a lone white daisy, with baby petals and a vivid yellow core. An stared at the sore way it stood amongst the other grander flowers, and concluded swiftly that it was certainly not meant to be there. By some incredible occurrence, some insect must have accidentally gifted the daisy a chance to bloom right here, where it now befell An's watchful gaze. See, the library not only had the most interesting books about coffee blends, but also the presence of books about flowers and plants galore. On the incredibly rare instance they were able to sneak some of the Miya into the school, Kohane had passionately rambled about the incredible history of some plants, including some brief facts about the daisy (or, well, the 'Bellis Perennis', supposedly), such as how capable they were of spreading, or how it was considered to have medicinal properties across history. There was even a game she had mentioned- one about picking the petals of daisies one by one to determine the possibility of requited love. Kohane had found it sweet, she had mentioned, but a little ridiculous too. To completely uphold your life in fixation over the petals of a flower was absurd at best, and even An could see the addictive nature of such a game, one that promises to guarantee your future. At some point during that time, An had asked Kohane if she believed in fate, but the smaller girl shrugged it off and suggested they left before they got in trouble for sneaking her in. Yet, the concept always sort of remained in An's head, like an itch you could never quite fully scratch. It kept digging into her brain and skin and bones until it had swarmed her body the very moment her eyes caught that minuscule flower hiding in the midst of the others. One clearly not meant to be there. A strange omen.
An, for one, believed in fate to a degree. She believed Kohane was fated to be her singing partner and she believed they were fated to surpass Rad Weekend. She knew she was fated to pursue street music for the rest of her life and to continue hating tomatoes until the days she passed on. So staring at the flower now, she couldn't help but play devils advocate, the very concept of a simple flower deducing your fate ridiculous yet rather alluring. Of course, she would never take it too seriously- if she wanted something, she would fight for it herself- but perhaps just as a mild curiosity for what the daisy had to say. She over-viewed her surroundings for anybody nearby before she carefully picked the flower from its stem, leaving her a small and helpless daisy to lay dead in her hands. They wouldn't miss it, she told herself, no one would if no one knew about it in the first place. Besides, the daisy was just that: a daisy. A small, inconspicuous flower which didn't hold all the answers to the world people were hoping for. It was just curiosity, she reminded herself, that was all. Curiosity not for the words which were shared nor necessarily the need to play with fate, but rather, curiosity because it was Kohane herself who had been the one to speak about it. Anything Kohane talked about, An would remember, it was why she even knew the prestigious name to this random daisy in the first place.
She pocketed the flower as the bell rang for class, and instantly, her mind settled back on thinking of the smaller girl once again. She would see her after this, she knew she would, but rushing back toward her classes, she hovered her hand over the daisy a little too protectively.
After all, what was the harm in one fun little game?
-
She loves me.
An didn't get the opportunity to actually get the flower out until the next evening after school, having been all too excited to dedicate time to her partner. Kohane had appeared especially lovely that evening, rushing into their usual practise spot in the park with a ruffled uniform and a death grip on her bag which made An's heart swell. That evening Kohane's laughter had muffled the rest of her senses, her voice so fruitful with harmonic melodies which struck through the centre of her pulsating heart. Hours had flown by in seconds, and by the time she had realised how late it was, it was time to finish practise and go home, which meant leaving her dearest behind. An had assured the embrace she left Kohane was extra tight, with a compliment or ten about how incredible her voice was as always, for an extra cherry on top. Kohane had laughed; had frantically swatted An's shoulder in an attempt to let her free, but An knew that just meant she was flustered to no end. 'Adorable' An would think, as she lingered her arms around her singing partner for moments longer before reluctantly releasing her to go home. If she were paying attention, she would noticed the way Akito was rolling his eyes at her while he gathered his and Toya's things, but it was a good thing she wasn't looking their way in the slightest. Not when Kohane was waving at her with a gentle smile, her eyes closed in a tranquil expression which radiated the entirety of the sunset straight into An's pupils. Kohane's purity was unlike anything else on their cruel and unjust planet. Like an otherworldly deity, she blessed An's life even as she was slowly fading out of her view, her presence still weighing in An's chest and her face tattooed in her mind.
Even as she rushed home and emptied her clothing pockets for the wash, Kohane was still swarming her thoughts like a deadly disease consuming her body. That must have been why, when the daisy fluttered slowly to the floor, An's first natural thought was to play the game with Kohane in mind. Yet she immediately scrunched her face at the thought, because was she really meant to take it that seriously? Questioning the love Kohane had for her- after the boulders they had pushed to become so close in the first place- would only be counter-intuitive at best and disrespectful at worse. She valued her partnership with Kohane the way people valued the sweet rush of caffeine in the morning and the fuzzy embrace of a blanket at night, so why would she cheapen that for the sake of some childish game?
Except, what they had now wasn't romance, not entirely. They had the brief brush of hands and the whispers into the night when they stayed over each others places. Kohane drifted to sleep on An's shoulder after particularly exhausting practices and An paid for her drinks when she was running a shift at Weekend Garage. One night, they had ran, squeezing each other's hands under the pretense that 'it was chilly' as they rushed to see the beauty of festival's fireworks. They were both beaten for breath by the time they had made it to the end of the fields for the best sightseeing spot, and they both fell back into the muddy grass with a mess of limbs and hair. Kohane settled her head on An's chest as she found oxygen again, while An glanced up to where a few stars watched down at them. An had heard a tale as a child, told by her father, where those who passed on would become stars who watched Earth spin on its axis. Ken had initially told her, in promise that she would always be good; that she would always strive to be the best she could be. Now, of course, she knew it was a way of comforting her if there were ever to be a passing in the family, one which she clung to when she had been told Nagi died. Now, she liked to think Nagi could see how far she had come, even if she wasn't around physically. With Kohane down in her arms and Nagi up above, she felt at peace, with those special never too far away. Kohane joined her in watching the stars until she tugged at An's arm excitably when the first bang of the fireworks went off. They sat up to watch it properly, even thought An had become much more enamoured in the way the lights reflected on the surface of Kohane's adorable face. Within the shadows of her eyes, An could see the explosive sparks, as Kohane gasped at a particularly large one which set alight. Her mouth was open in awe, where An could number each other her crooked teeth, because she had memorised Kohane's smile down to the gap in her front teeth and the chip in one of her canines. She became so distracted by it all, in fact, that she hadn't noticed for a few moments that Kohane was now looking at her in return, with those wide auburn eyes and a dusted flush across those pretty freckles.
An never kissed her that night, as desperate she was to close the gap.
And now, staring at the daisy in her hands, she wondered if Kohane would have kissed her back. Would she know how to kiss and sweep An off her feet into a world beyond their own? Or would she be clumsy- fumbling around to connect her lips with An's own, until she quietly asked An to take the lead? Would she hold her hand as they strolled the street, searching for a new shop to try or cafe to indulge in, or would she cozy up to An into the tranquility of the night, the white noise of some random film they picked becoming muffled as they mumbled sweet nothings into each others ear? The daisy was even weaker now, with flimsy petals and a stem which curled in like a scared creature. One tug the wrong way and she could tear it into nothingness once more, but she didn't. Rather, she settled it on her bedside table as she settled down for the night. Putting some simple nightwear on (it wasn't the night to trip up on clothing choices), she stepped to her table to settle the daisy back in the palms of her hands. For a brief moment, she merely stared at it, at its off-white petals which looked warmed in her bedroom light and against her tanned complexion. It was taunting her, urging her to tear the thing apart right now, to rip each limb until it was indiscernible, but what would that say about her? About what she thought of her and Kohane's relationship now? All this time, she had hoped that Kohane wouldn't leave her, and she was finally at a place where she was assured with her feelings. Was she really ready to start selfishly wishing for more?
Whatever, she thought, it was only a flower. Nothing more. A flower and some silly game that wouldn't hurt to play just once.
Carefully, slowly, she removed the petals one by one, letting them gently drift in the cool nighttime air until they landed on the comfort of her rug. She payed particular attention to pick them one by one, muttering "she loves me, she loves me not," under her breath. It was only then that she began to notice how many petals daisies had, all overlapping around the flower's centre until they gradually scattered on An's floor. She loves me. An felt her heart thump by the moment. She loves me not. She felt the chill air of her room grow stuffy, the pads of her fingers damp with little patches of sweat. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. As she muttered the words to herself, she thought of Kohane and her mismatched socks, her reading glasses which An loved to put on for her, her laughter at the smallest joys in life and her egregious coffee choices, all stacked full of a sickening amount of sugars and sweeteners. She loved it all. She loved her. She loves me not.
Huh?
An blinked as she noticed her hand pull back from the petal-less flower, its yellow core all which remained upon the weak stem of the daisy. An blinked, then blinked again in case her own eyes were betraying her. She loves me not, that was what the daisy had chosen for her, before her very vision. An choked up a laugh before quickly biting her lip. Of course she couldn't expect the flower to give her what she wanted, it was just a measly plant after all, which should have never been found by her in the first place. It wasn't even meant to be in that flowerbed, which meant anything it told her was a lie anyway; one big joke to try and make her look crazy. Good thing she was no fool, she gathered the petals and threw them all swiftly in the bin so she no longer had to see them again. Daisies could never measure up to Kohane's true worth; they were a common plant which anyone could accidentally grow. No, Kohane was special, more special than all the daisies in the world combined. No daisy could tell her Kohane's feelings either, the result growing more hilarious by the moment. She loves me not, what a ridiculous notion for her to assume a flower could reach omnipotent heights. Rather, she knew that the only way of understanding Kohane's feeling was by asking her, not using some silly game to assume. She moved to bury herself in her covers, tugging her strawberry scented hamster plush toward her. She loves me not, the daisy had told her, snobby in its pristine petals and vibrant yellow pollen. She should have never brought it into her house, she knew that now. She knew better because she knew Kohane, and she knew that their bond went beyond human comprehension, and certainly beyond the comprehension of a plant. Rain began to spit at the windows as An clutched her hamster plushie. It wasn't exactly time for her to sleep yet, but she would rather be up bright and early the next day, so she could look her best for when she saw her singing partner again. Then, she could finally gather enough guts to truly confess to Kohane.
"She loves me not." An muttered with a crease in her brow. What a ridiculous attempt to play God.
-
She loves me not.
Hammering into the pavements like rapid fire was the thunderous rain which drenched An in a painful chill which wrecked her body. What was worse, was that it was only Wednesday, which meant she couldn't exactly escape it in the comforts of her covers and cushions. Instead, she was rushing to Vivid Bad Squad's usual practise spot down by the park, her back numb to the harsh pellets. Not that she was entirely focused anyway, especially with the image of that dying daisy constantly flickering in her mind like some old noir movie. That entire game was some weird way of testing her will, and she wasn't about to let it get the better of her mind. So what if she had been spacing out across her classes to replay the sequence in her head? She never really focused on the work even when she was putting in the effort. She just had to see Kohane and everything would work out, because the burdens always felt weightless when Kohane greeted her with that overly sweet "An-chan!", always rendering An into jelly. Except, as she sprinted the final distance to their usual park, she noted the very obvious absence of not just Kohane, but her entire squad. Lost in a daze and her vision blurred by the rainwater stinging her eyes, she turned her head while the roll of the distant clouds grew a darker shade of murky grey. She felt her chest tighten erratically, her shoulders fluctuating with her breathing as she searched for Kohane. Where was Kohane? She was supposed to be here. Was she late? Only Kohane was never late. Had Kohane left then? But that was unfair, because she had said she wouldn't leave, would never leave. Did she break her promise? Had Akito and Toya done the same? Leaving her stranded like some sort of hilarious prank? That wasn't fair- that wasn't-
A ping from her phone interrupted her anxieties: a message from Akito in their usual group chat. "An, you coming???" He had asked, inciting her to open her messages, the ones she had somehow been missing since lunch time. Oh. An scrolled upward where she saw the discussions of the awful weather, followed by the suggestion to move plans to the sekai. Of course, why hadn't that been the first location in her head, especially when that was always the place they gravitated to on rainy days. She really should have been smarter, instead of letting the dumb memories of last night get to her head. She would see Kohane and reach for what she wanted using her own ways, instead of letting the flower dictate her life. With the ability to breathe returning to her lungs, she grappled for her phone in her slippery hands, nearly dropping it in a puddle before she found her way to the sekai icon on her home page. Squinting her eyes shut, she felt the bullets in her back disperse and the mellow heat of the sekai welcome her. With a relieved sigh, she began to gather her hair to squeeze out what rainwater she could into the streets, ignoring the way her drenched school uniform meant moving any of her limbs became a hefty chore. A few shivers and one instance of a coughing fit later, and she was abandoning her blazer to the ground before she well and truly got sick. That was the last thing they all needed, seeing as their plans to takeover the world included a copious amount of travel. An stretched her arms out with a pop to her joints, before glancing at her surroundings. She was quite some distance from the Crase cafe, where she was confident the others were, but it wasn't too much of tedious walk. She had memorised the routes among the brick wall labyrinths with the help of the different posters and graffiti on the walls serving as landmarks, with the help of Luka for shortcuts. Thus, she leant down to gather her blazer, but that's where she stopped at the flash of yellow caught her eye- if only for a second. She almost questioned if it were someone's shoe, but the yellow blur was small and pale, only enough to fit her palm. When she looked up to stare at it properly, her heart nearly stuttered at the sight.
Gentle yellow frills curling in elegant spirals which danced around its centre and expanded out into gentle waves like a calm sea. All being supported by a thick green stem garnished with sharp leaves. An had seen variants of it within the garden at Kamiyama, but never one to this degree of yellow. Enough to match the glimmer of a star like the grand sun, or the gentle embers of a fire's flame. The yellow carnation was bent, as if beckoning her toward it and making her head irrationally pound. There were never flowers in the sekai, not outside Miku's garden, and even if there were, the timing was a little too convenient. Why now, of all times, when Kohane was so close to her grasp, must the sekai taunt her like this? As if deciding what she wanted for her. She didn't need anymore flowers right now, she needed her singing partner!
Yet, the flower was so beautiful, its yellow waves reminding her of the bouncy blond curls which colour form in Kohane's hair during the summer. Last summer her freckles had been extra prominent. leaving An obsessed for hours over counting every last one. Kohane would always squirm, giggling about how it tickled each time An dragged a nail softly across her patterned skin, and An would giggle too, because Kohane's laugh was infectious just like the rest of her. Wiping her rain-soaked hands onto her uniform, she staggered toward the audacious flower sitting like a sore thumb amidst the few patches of grass. How could something so beautiful be so repulsive in her eyes, she wondered, a newfound numbness fizzling in her chest. Was she an awful person? An awful person who hated flowers and hated confronting her feelings even more? A fraud lying to them all? Telling them that she had gotten better at being human, only to watch her progress rot when those feathery petals tickled at her hands. The yellow carnation settled comfortably in her palm, much larger than the previous daisy she had to pick at with small pinches. Now, she could brush her thumb against each petal, their surfaces smooth like butter in this abnormal way in which the sekai made everything fell a little too perfect. Even the harsh blue light of the skies felt clinical and off-putting on days like these, where she was left in this endless world alone with her thoughts. Maybe that was why she felt less human by the day, because she spent more of her waking time in this world which let her escape humanity. A world which let her forget all her woes, and just focus on her and her squad. Her and Kohane. They would be happy here, An thought, merely spending hours on end with no one but each other, or maybe that was just another one of An's selfish wishes tainting her mind. It was no matter now, she had become selfish against the moment she took that daisy home.
She had not waited this time: ripping the flower from its stem with a violent tug. Petal by petal she began the ritual again. "She loves me, she loves me not." She was too impatient to take away one at a time, instead tearing the soft petals from its core two by two, letting them fall onto the pavement to rot beneath her, "She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me." With each one said, her tongue grew more twisted, until she was not entirely sure what she was meant to be saying, nor if she had lost which one she was meant to be saying entirely. Only she was sure she had counted it correctly, because she was watching each petal cascade with a piercing eye, darting to each other to make sure she had accounted for them all. She had to do it to satiate her hunger, her desperation, to prove these flowers wrong and to wring fate by the neck. As she brushed her fingers through the petals to tear away another, she thought to the times she would thread her fingers in Kohane's hair before their shows, putting it up in her signature hair style, all while Kohane complimented her navy strands in return. An always shook her head, because she had long convinced herself that Kohane looked way more beautiful, with the healthy set of hair she regularly cut herself, giving her these messy bangs which always looked the cutest on her. An, meanwhile, dimmed the shine of her ow hair, always curling it and wrangling a brush through the knots while Kohane frantically panicked about her methods. They always had a domesticity to them, that's just how they were. Always doing all sorts together purely for the reason that they could, and that no one would stop them. "She loves me not." From An teaching Kohane how to make coffee to the homework Kohane always taught her through when she gave up listening in class. It never felt right to do anything without Kohane lately. Was that awful of her, or was that just one of the symptoms of being in love?
There was very little she would ever want out of Kohane. All she really needed was her presence. Whether they were talking into the night or simply doing their own things within vicinity of each other, that was all An could ever ask for. The tranquility which came from Kohane merely being there was enough to give her fulfilment in her day-to-day life. Though, sometimes she wondered what it would be like to have that one phrase said to her. Not forced nor taken lightly; one straight from the blazing core of Kohane's heart, directed to An and nobody else. Those three little words, so simplistic in phrase, yet the weight they carry was enough to kill a hundred men. Those three words which An had repeated in her mind over and over again whenever Kohane was too close, or when she was doing something cute, like getting whip cream on her upper lip or picking out which of her hats to wear to practise that day. 'I love you' An would think, each and every time, as Kohane turned to her with a flustered giggle and a hand covering her cute smile. All she could think about day by day, was the vision of Kohane looking to her, a warm glint in her gaze as she stepped to An. She may be nervous at first, looking to the ground and the sky before finally looking at An, and muttering that quiet and shy 'I love you; for the very first time. And An wouldn't be able to respond at first, because her mind and body would feel as if it were floating in the clouds, the only repeating thought in her empty mind being 'she loves me, she loves me-'
The final petal of the carnation fell.
"…She loves me."
-
She loves me.
That was what the carnation had told her Wednesday afternoon, her clothes damp from the rain and her mind hazy from the whiplash of emotion she had faced in that last hour. She had rushed to join the others with a newfound skip in her step, which didn't waver even when Akito nagged at her for not checking her messages. She didn't have the slightest care, not when the world was finally turning the way it should. She gave Kohane an extra tight squeeze when she saw her, feeling so incredibly light that she almost couldn't stop laughing. Everything felt so much warmer in the Crase cafe, a beautiful sight after the rain she had endured, and it felt even better with her singing partner snug in her arms. The elation she felt was on an entirely new scale, to the extent of which she had no longer heard any complaints from Akito once they got to singing. She could have sang for hours, belting her love for Kohane to the world until she lost her voice. Everything in her body felt electrified, like someone had flicked a switch and set her muscles on fire. She was finally free from those dreaded flowers and the laughable idea of fate. She knew- she knew- Kohane loved her just as much, because Kohane was always capable of matching her at her level. Even as An took the lead across their session, Kohane wasted no time in matching her energy, until she felt the sound-waves of Kohane's vocals pound in her chest and match the beats of her rapidly thumping heart. With the two of them like this, in harmony, she knew they were powerful enough to move the tectonic plates in the earth, and spin the planet off its axis. That's how it always felt when being with Kohane - hat they were truly capable of anything- but with love in her mind, she was only assured of it even more. As their singing session ended, Akito had patted her on the shoulder, "I don't know what has gotten into you today, but you killed it!" He huffed fondly, shoving An's shoulder softly and eliciting a laugh from An. She nudged him back, because she simply had so much pent up energy, earning a sudden "whoa-" as Akito nearly stumbled back. If it weren't for the way he had Toya stood behind him to prevent his fall, he may have well and truly fell to the ground. An's laughter subsided into little bursts of giggles, her chest heaving erratically as she stared at Akito.
"S-sorry," she spluttered, her head still in the clouds from replaying the clip of the carnation in her head, "just, so pumped, you get it?" She offered to help Akito up, but he took Toya's hand instead, regaining balance on his feet and he awkwardly scratched at his head. Her dearest Kohane, meanwhile, steadily approached An's side as she settled a gentle hand on her shoulder, causing An to still.
"Just, be careful, An-chan. Shinonome-kun could have gotten hurt." She whispered, her voice so close that An felt tingles up her spine, which didn't help the elated feeling bursting in her chest. She turned to pull Kohane in an embrace, squeezing the girl like a soft plush toy as she inhaled her vanilla scent. Kohane squeaked at the sudden grasp, wrestling her limbs into some sort of reciprocation, though it soon turned into lightly tapping An's back. She let out a wheeze, "A-An-chan, too tight-"
"Oh-" An muttered, loosening her grip just a little, but that was all Kohane needed to pull away with a tremble to her legs. An played with her hair with a shy chuckle, "sorry Kohane, I just, I have so much energy right now, I guess-"
"You guess?" Akito huffed a laugh, his brows lowering in a rigid downturn, despite the smile on his face. "Seriously, what's gotten into you, got a good grade you didn't tell us about other somethin'?" An shook her head with a rush of heat to her face, because she couldn't possibly tell them- not yet- because she had to do this properly. She had to take this new drive and finally take step to ask Kohane out properly, maybe with some gifts or the sweetest coffee she had ever created. She would practise the lines in the mirror over and over, until she was able to list every last thing she knew she wanted to tell Kohane, like how much she loved to stare into those auburn eyes which swirled like the autumn leaves, and how she loved the way she still took care of trinkets she was gifted years ago in the name of sentimentality. She loved how easily Kohane blushed under the cold winters, and how they gave her the cutest button nose regardless of the layers she wore, and how she always stopped to greet every stray cat they came across on the street. She would unload her heart onto a plate and offer it to her in its entirety, with the overwhelming hope that Kohane would say yes, that their partnership would transcend every single boundary the world had to offer, just as soon as she heard those perfect words. I love you-
"-An-chan!"
"Huh-"
"An-chan, are you listening?" Kohane pleaded, her voice frail. Distant. When An blinked and glanced to her, those thin brows were creased and her mouth was pulled into a frown. She looked to An with a shaky gulp, as if, as if she weren't looking at An at all, but through her. An quickly shook away the concept though- because that was silly. Kohane was her singing partner, they were inseparable, as all good things should be. Kohane tugged at her on of her sleeves as if to adjust it, her head lowered. Once their eye contact (unfortunately) broke, An finally realised it wasn't just Kohane looking at her strangely, but everyone. Akito's frown had deepened gradually, but that wasn't exactly new for him. What was new however, was the subtle down-turned expression Toya wore, his eyes creased in a concerned squint. Even Meiko, who An had barely even acknowledged up to that point, was glancing over their way, a glass and tea-towel in hand, as she caught wind of the commotion. Suddenly, her small world which was initially just her and Kohane had suddenly become extremely wide, as if the entire cafe had grown tenfold in size. The floor and its wooden panels had stretched, pulling everyone away from her, pulling Kohane away from her. An suddenly felt her limbs frozen in place, her eyes darting between the stares of her teammates. Why were they looking at her like that? Was there something on her face? Kohane finally lifter her head again, her brows now furrowed sternly, despite the tone of her voice being so angelically gentle, as if pacifying a crying child. "An-chan, I think it's best if you head home to rest."
An blinked rapidly. "Eh?" She questioned, a nervous chuckle escaping her, "I don't- don't understand? Is something wrong?"
Before Akito opened his gob, Toya clasped his hand, ushering him into silence with a gentle shake of his head. Akito miraculously obliged, allowing Toya to speak. "What we're trying to say, is that we appreciate your energy, but we're worried about you overdoing things and burning yourself out." He calmly explained tentatively, as if waiting for a reaction. "We had a successful practise today, so perhaps its best we all leave early to rest up."
Oh. Yeah. An exhaled a heave breath, her head starting to pound from the abundance of adrenaline rushing across her body. She fixed her eyes on Kohane, who quickly avoided her eye, causing her to frown. Maybe Kohane was just tired, of course, it had been a heavy practise session, just as Toya said. She nodded in agreement at Toya's words, her thumping heart steadying only slightly. "Right," An mumbled, nodding as if to confirm her words. "Of course. Yeah. We have practise tomorrow too, after all."
"Exactly," Akito scoffed, finally pulling his hand from Toya's, but only to drag his singing partner toward him by the shoulders, earning a grunt from Toya. "Besides, this one owes me a trip to a cafe." Akito snickered, and for a brief second, the tension alleviated, with a subtle smile gracing Toya's face while he tugged his phone into his free hand.
"Farewell, Shiraishi, Azusawa." Toya murmured to the both of them, Akito giving a subtle nod to the two as Toya pressed the button to pull them out of sekai, and just like that, An was left staring at Kohane's distant figure. For a brief second, neither of them spoke up, any warmth within the cafe seemingly taken away with the Bad Dogs, leaving them simmering in an uneasy chill. The only sound was of Meiko clinking the last of the cups, as she subtly watched the two from afar. An felt her face flush warm despite the icy chill settling in the rest of her body, just knowing that her and Kohane were (somewhat) alone now. She subconsciously fixed her hair out of her face as she took a step toward Kohane, of which Kohane quickly shot her head up.
"An-chan-" she mumbled, before her round cheeked blossomed with the pink flush An adored. Kohane picked at her fingernails, her eyes never settling on one spot for too long, as she gathered up the courage to ask. "You know you can rely on me, right? After all we've been through, I can take it."
An's eyes widened at the words, her heart nearly thudding out of her chest at the sentiment. Kohane was just the more precious treasure on earth; it made her head go dizzy. "Always." An affirmed, the wide smile naturally growing on her face before she had even realised, "I know there's no one better than my Kohane." Just watching the way Kohane spluttered at her words was enough to make her entire week, the rosy pink across her cheeks darkening as her chestnut eyes grew wide. If An could have taken a photo right then, she would have, just to place right next to the other photos she had collected over the years. Ones of the selfies they had taken and the photo-booth strips from their attempt to explore all the weird and wacky filters. Everything about Kohane's flustered expression was just too perfect, enough to be hung up within an art gallery for the world to appreciate. Only, An would also want to keep that expression privy to her eyes alone. Much like the toothy grin Kohane had also preserved for An's eyes. An revelled in the expression for a little longer, until Kohane shuffled her feet in an awkward squirm.
"S-so-" Kohane squeaked, clearing her throat. "If there was something you were struggling with right now, y-you would tell me, An?" Her singing partner had asked, before swiftly shaking her head, as if it revisit her words. Kohane furrowed her brow, determined, her voice stern when she stared An directly in the eye. "Is there something going on? Something you're not telling me, An-chan?" Suddenly, before An could react, she felt Kohane's gaze boring directly into her skull, as if she were trying to dissect An's brain from a glance alone. An spluttered a nervous laugh out, while she felt her ribs jostle in her chest, as her lungs stretched to drag more oxygen into her deprived system. Why was Kohane asking her this now of all times, right when everything was meant to be going to plan. Now, her idea had been scuffed, scrambled, sacrificed to Kohane's piercing stare, as An panicked to pick her words off the ground. What was she meant to tell her? Was she meant to tell her about the daisy growing in the Kamiyama garden, or the isolated carnation within the sekai? Was she meant to confess how she had been trying to find the answer to all her fears within that of a flower and its petals? Or was she meant to tell her about how much such a pointless game had consumed her every second, in hopes that by some goddamn miracle, it would assure her that all this time- all this effort and energy she had fed to this growing infatuation- hadn't been for naught. That Kohane was truly here to stay for good, and that the doubts starting to resurface again were just silly nightmares she hadn't needed to gift a second thought.
Was she meant to confess to Kohane now? Was she meant to confess her love? Or confess how utterly exhausted these last few days had been. How she had been tired for a long time, no matter how stubborn she had tried to be. That she was tired of the voice in her head telling her not to get comfortable in her current life, because Kohane would eventually find people that truly matched her level. An wasn't ignorant to the changes: the way that Kohane's eyes lingered elsewhere, on a world where she was standing on top. And- and An simply wasn't at her level anymore. At one point, she was, and they had a balance which meant they could combat anything which came their way. Yet, recently, she knew that she had began to be dragged along. Kohane was reaching new heights by the day, whereas An was stagnant in place, watching Kohane climb upward. The nightmare they all encountered together that day left a thorn in one of her arteries, one which reminded her of the pain of not having Kohane sing at her side, and oh, how the fear still lingered. She had told herself things were better now- that she was better now. But maybe An Shiraishi was doomed to never truly change.
Yet despite it all, she still, so desperately, wanted Kohane by her side. Was that selfish of her? Was it selfish to confess this all to Kohane; to beg for Kohane to be her respite even if it meant dragging Kohane down with her?
"An-"
"Kohane." An interrupted, glancing at her beautiful freckled face, "I don't know what you're talking about."
Kohane's mouth clamped shut, her eyes widening, shaky, as her stare fell blank. Her hands twitched, as if she wanted to move- to act- but she didn't. Rather, her shoulders slumped, her eyes down-turned, avoiding An's gaze entirely. And suddenly, An felt the unnatural rise of bile in her throat, warning that she had just made a terrible mistake.
"I-" Kohane spoke, her voice hoarse, as if her mouth had lost all semblance of speech. "Let- let's talk tomorrow, An." She whispered, tremors forming in her tone. "Get some rest, you- you need rest."
"Kohane-"
But it was too late, because Kohane had quickly pressed the button on her phone to transport her away from the Sekai, leaving An with an uncomfortable weight to her body, as if someone had force-fed her concrete. She looked to the lifeless walls of the Crase cafe, a stone cold grey which blotted her vision. Not even her own two hands felt like her own, as she lost any remaining trace of thought in her head. Now the only things left rattling in her brain, was Kohane's name, and the need to get her hands on another flower.
"An?" A distant mature voice spoke, which she had assumed belonged to Meiko, but it wasn't her concern. She ignored it entirely, swiftly switching on her phone to transport her away from the sekai. She had no need to see people right now, only to consider those three painful words in her mind as she curled up on her bed.
"She loves me."
-
She loves me not.
Akito and Toya had fought badly once.
It was way back before they had formed Vivid Bad Squad, and before a vision of their futures had truly cemented in any of their minds. Back then, Toya felt himself unfit to stand at Akito's side, and had tried to convince Akito that it was a good idea for them to stop singing together. Naturally, that hadn't gone to plan, because one, Akito was a stubborn bastard.
And two, Akito had loved Toya more than anything.
Akito was willing to risk pushing away Toya forever, if it meant he had the smallest slither of hope that Toya would reconsider his decision, and it didn't take very long for his efforts to come to fruition.
Kohane had messaged her once on Thursday, one which she left on delivered. By Friday afternoon, she hadn't gotten another. It wasn't as if she blamed Kohane in the slightest, of course not, why would she when it was An being the coward? Running away like a frightened mouse all because she wasn't ready to face her feelings for Kohane head-on. So she buried herself in her covers, ignoring their desperate cry to be cleaned, in favour of picking at the skin around her fingers. She had garnered the habit in need of something to pull away at, now that she had no flower petals in her grasp. She had tried searching for some around the house, but to no avail, meaning she had to drag herself outside if she were to ever fulfil her addiction. The more she revisited Wednesday's events, the more she was convinced of the cold hatred she saw in Kohane's eyes. The hollow way she stared at An after An had lied in her face, that was an expression An couldn't wipe from her mind. The twitch of her mouth and the tired creases beneath her eyes. An was almost sure Kohane had been desperate to get rid of her then and there, she just knew. Just the memory of it made her bury herself further in her bed, even as the creak of the door echoed in her ears.
"An" A gruff voice spoke, his tone soft despite his low pitch, "kid, its not like you to be in bed all day." Ken slowly stepped toward the bed, treading over to join An's side, where the girl was clutching the hamster plush to her chest. An swallowed her fears down her throat, and held back the need to cry.
"Just the time of the month, dad," she lied, no matter how much her broken tremors gave her way, "just hurts, is all." She wasn't sure whether her lie worked her not, because she hadn't dared look. Not until she felt the weight of her bed dipping, and soon, the familiar warmth of a hand settling on her head, brushing through her head. They remained there in silence- father and daughter- while Ken searched An's face for anymore of what was going on in his little girl's head. An eventually grew the courage to look up at him, of which he smiled in return.
"You know I love you, kid."
An stifled a sniffle, "yeah." She spoke, a weak smile growing on her face, which reflected her dad's own.
"Good." He said, removing his hand from her hair, so he could look at her properly. "And you know they all do to, your mom, your squad and all of Vivid street."
An weakly huffed, hiding a smile beneath her plush, "I know, dad." She responded, earning a satisfied nod from Ken as he stood.
"Good." He affirmed, stepping to the door, but not without flicking on An's bedroom light, "then I'll be off, Akito's asked me to review some of his singing." Despite that, Ken lingered by the door, turning his head as he watched An slowly turn her body away from the harsh brightness of the light. "Do you want to come?"
An bit her lip as it quivered. "Maybe another time." She said, before muttering a quick "thank you" after that. Ken didn't complain, nor argue, only nodded, saying one last 'goodbye' and 'love ya', before the sound of his footsteps faded, alongside the faint thunk of the door. It took An a moment to get up, but she gradually dragged herself from bed, still in her pyjamas when she thumped down the stairs, and by some miracle, didn't fall in doing so. Once down, she slipped on some trained and slipped out the back door, already knowing the trajectory of where she wished to go. She had grown up watching her dad and mom take up all sots of past-times growing up, including one featuring their patch of garden outside, featuring a small bed of some of her mom's most favourite plants. From a patch of classic roses to blooming cosmos, all the way down to the ones which caught An's attention the most: the gladiolus plants. Her mom had told her about all sorts of fun facts about them when she was young, including how the gladiolus plant was a symbol of strength, or leadership and bravery. It was almost too fitting for the gorgeous girl which was trapped in her selfish thoughts. Even the peachy colour of some of the petals reminded her of the sweet peach treats Kohane always picked out, because she was convinced no one could ever fail to make an exciting peach flavoured treat. An always actively searched from them from then on, gifting her the newest released items whenever she was able to grasp her hands on them. After all, Kohane's satisfied grin with the latest refreshing peach flavoured ice cream crepe in her mouth was always a delightful sight, even if An had to push through crowds to get it.
Now, she wasn't even confident she would be able to see that face again.
An gently cradled the fruits of her mothers labour in her hands, the gorgeous patterned flower staring back at her. Adorned with a peach gradient which grew whiter closer to the centre, the flower reeked of fragility, which was ironic considering what it represented. It was plush under her fingers, soft, and so easy to break. She tore one of the flowers from the stem and began her usual routine. "She loves me, she loves me not." The gladiolus plants had only a very few set of petals, which is why it didn't take long for An to be left with the pitiful final petal, shouting at her, "she loves me not."
An looked at the dying petals on the grass in disbelief. It was all over so quickly: no suspense, no hope, nothing. Just a sad flower now torn across the garden, which was starting to drip with rain. In an act of impulse, the grabbed hold of another, the rain picking its pace swiftly as it began to harshly dig into An's skin, causing her to wince from the cold, she closed her eyes as she tore at the next one, "she loves me". Petal by petal, "she loves me not," she clawed at them with her sharp nails, shredding and shredding until she felt a strange stinging sensation which drove her to halt.
Under the torrential downpour, she held out her hand, where trickles of red escaped her ring-finger and was washed away. This look continued for a moment as An stared at the cut continuing to protrude blood, her chest heaving to take in a breath at the spike in pain. She had no awareness her nails were even capable of such thing, as she brushed her thumb over one of them to check, and sure enough they were sharp from the neglect she had given them recently. An stifled a hysteric chuckle, because of course, of course just when she believed she couldn't make things worse for herself. The shredded gladiolus plant was still withering in her palm, the petals so violently torn that it was impossible to tell what had actually been counted. She dragged a icy hand up her sweating forehead, the tranquil garden she had entered now drowning in the stormy rain which flooded away her massacre of petals. In the end, she still was left with the same answer over and over. She loves me not. Kohane didn't love An Shiraishi. Kohane didn't love the long embraces or the different nicknames An loved to try. She didn't love the shopping dates or the trips to Phoenix Wonderland. She didn't love An's coffee in the mornings, simply only taking it out of pity because An had a fragile heart. She didn't love any of it, she had just done well at hiding it. Back in the cafe, she had realised it now, those eyes could not have been the eyes of concern, nor simple hate, it because it went beyond that. A numb void of a stare which went through An, because Kohane thought of the two of them as strangers. Of course, she thought, the rain blinding her vision as she buried her palms in her eye sockets, why would Kohane think of her as any more? Someone as selfish and cowardly as An Shiraishi. Akito and Toya must have felt it to, for that was why they had hurried away so quickly, desperate to not waste anymore time around the anchor which dragged the team back. Even those pitiful words her dad gave her, was it all for the sake of letting her live in delusion? Allowing her to pretend she didn't see her life shattering before her eyes. She was always meant to be stronger than this. She knew that, because someone strong was always meant to be the one to Surpass Rad Weekend and take over the world. Akito and Toya were strong, because they always came through within times of adversity, always aware of how to handle a problem and tie any loose ends. Kohane was strong, maybe even the strongest, with the way she took charge and pulled them back up. She was their motivator, her motivation, but now An had let such a perfect opportunity slip through her fingers the way the gladiolus flower slipped and splattered to the floor. Before An could reach out to her mothers garden, to cause more pain to such a gorgeous array of her mothers love, the harsh rattle of thunder had spooked her, and caused her to run back inside.
Just like the coward she was. And how could Kohane ever love a coward?
-
She loves me?
Kohane's soft palm cradled her face, her thumb brushing across her cheek bone no lighter than the feeling of a feather. Her pink lips were pouted in concentration, as she slowly drifted the thumb up to the underside of An's eye, brushing the patchy dark circles like they would disappear under the magic of her tender touch. An closed her eyes with a breathy sigh, giving herself grace from the hypnotising gaze Kohane was giving her. Her mind felt empty, as if the entirety of the world had subsided, leaving the sublime presence of just her and Kohane, together, how it always should have been. Kohane's hand slipped into An's midnight locks, her nails in her scalp, massaging her head in gentle circles. An's eyes squinted open to the tender smile of an angel before her, luring her into the arms, caging her in a world where she never thought of anything else. Ever.
"Is this what you want, An?" The melody of Kohane's whispers enchanting, sending An into a love-blinded haze. "To have me all to yourself?" An looked to her singing partner, the distant gaze of a ghost staring back at her, as Kohane tilted her face upward. Did An want Kohane all to herself? Was that truly what this had all been for? For her to claim Kohane as some gemstone to add to a collection? Was that how far her selfish desires had reached? Kohane's thumb brushed across her lip, making her entire body shiver in a burning delight. And against it all, An tried to lean her head closer. Her singing partner giggled, only it hadn't sounded like honey and sugar. Rather, it sounded sour, like the squeeze of an unripe lemon left in the sun. But before An could open her mouth, she felt the burning brush of lips against her ear, taunting her softly.
"I wish you never picked those flowers."
Suddenly, the fuzzy white lights flickered, and An awoke in her bed with a shaky gasp. She recollected her surroundings, within her room, and no sign of any of her dearest in sight. An shivered at the chill of her room, her hairs on end, before she quickly tugged her blanket over her arms. And once again, she was brutally reminded of the sequences of events which lead her to drown in her self-pity in the first place.
An let her phone die Friday night, the world already too loud to handle without the incessant ringing of pointless notifications. From there, she let the hours get the better of her, watching the sun run its cycle until the clamour of thunder nearly rocked her room. Glancing outside, the roll of dreary clouds swarmed the air with a murky grey, only illuminated by the occasional blinding flicker of lightning. For a moment, watching her world be encompassed with the bleak shadows of the storm was oddly therapeutic, the darkness blanketing her from seeing the town which she had failed so. The only traces of life through the endless rainfall being the faint glows of warm window lights in the distance, from where people had been yet to settle down for the night. An faintly recalled a storm being due for Sunday night; had it truly been two days? An groaned as she leant against the windowsill, burying her head halfway into her arms. She knew she couldn’t hide away forever from the large world outside, but she couldn’t help herself. She never wanted to see Kohane’s face again after how much of a fool she had rendered herself the days before. Besides, seeing Kohane again meant confessing, laying everything on the table in a grand admission of love, and An couldn’t bring herself to say the words. It was why she had fallen so reliant on the flowers in the first place, for they gave her a security, a small whisper of chance, of hope.
She soft blanket of security was torn from her the moment she had learnt of Nagi's death. The feeling was ingrained in her mind: of the nausea which tickled her throat and the slowly pressure of dread weighing atop her shoulders. It were as if someone were squeezing her head, taunting her, with the sickening reminder that everybody left her. Now, that feeling had returned, the rotten sinking feeling of dread, as she stared into the abyss of the late night. She sat there for a quiet moment, where the world had stilled and the exhaustion of the week settled in. She felt the weight settle on her eyelids, leaving her blinking slowly to clear her vision, when the strange glimmer of white lead her gaze into the faint distance of a garden.
There, standing tall and elegant, persevering through the treacherous rain, was the pure display of white lily's, glowing amidst the night. They swayed in the chaotic winds, determined to remain through the adversities of the striking lightning. An watched, mesmerised, at the the way flower danced in a the storm, and all she could thing was what else had she left to lose?
Lifting her window, the thrashes and bangs of thunder instantly tried to deafen her ears. She grit her teeth as she raised a leg over the window, carefully climbing through and balancing on the window still. She measured her jump- at least tried to- for her mathematical skills was always horrifically poor. She took in a deep breath, before taking the leap of faith. With a thump, she dropped into the murky grass, staining her arms and shorts. She winced at the overwhelming aroma of dirt and grime, trying to scrub away as much of the gunk as she could, before she discovered what was caking her was not actually mud. Frantically, she stood, her fatigue causing her to wobble as she began to stagger, then sprint, into the consuming abyss of the night.
Lightning and thunder followed her tracks, grazing her feet, and causing her to stumble when it rumbled a little too close to her ears. Despite it, she persevered, letting her lungs wail as she chased the last flickering embers of hope. One final gamble of fate, which she was going all in on. She had lost all other trajectories of hope now, leaving her raw desperation with no direction to go, nowhere but those small gorgeous lilies, which reminded her of the gorgeous sparkle she remembered in Kohane's eyes, before she had stolen it away. An felt the tears stinging her eyes at the thought of Kohane once again, her heart skipping beats at the roar of thunder and the way Kohane's smile faded from her mind. Oh, how she wished she had done something different, how she wished she had made the right call. Was this the truth of fate? That it was unfair and unplanned and went against every single desire An had yearned for? She felt her shoes drag from the mud now, her hair matted and dripping water which trailed across her face. Just a little more, she told herself, as she fought her way through a bush which had caught her sleeve, a little more as she could reach the white lily's, the last reminder of Kohane she could grasp in her hands.
Spluttering and coughing up rain water, her trembling legs gave in with a thud after she stumbled on a rock, causing her to groan as she choked on the tears still pouring. Yet, there it was before her, the angelic white of the lily's staring back at her. There, there it was, her respite, another way to feed the gaping hole in her chest which Kohane's absence had carved. Within moments, she was rushing back up with the lily's in hand frantically tearing away at the petals as her legs moved on their own. "She loves me, she hates me," she whispered in hushed prayer, her sharp nails digging into her skin as she buried them deeper in her skin. One lily after another, she gambled once again, only to throw the stems in heated anger when they told her what she dreaded the most. Why did the world forsake her? Deny her the only wish she ever hoped for? She felt as if the world was toying with her with each and every flower which told her she could never be truly satisfied. What a cruel prank it was, she thought, as the final lily in her hand only affirmed what the others had: that Kohane would never truly love her the way An loved Kohane. The last of the flowers guts fell from her scratched hands, leaving thin cuts across her palms which nearly made her laugh. What what she doing here, in the rain, chasing an absent dream for the sake of 'what-ifs?' She was only going to worry her father now, failing him just like she had the rest. She was about to turn back when she saw it- one gorgeous lily remaining, larger than the rest. It shone like the North Star, guiding her toward it, toward the memories she had when her and Kohane together.
The times they ran together to the latest cafes, in hopes or missing the queues, or the times Kohane took photos of her within her garden, smiling as she held the newly grown mint leaves in her hands. The times that they pretend they were dating for discounts, giggling to each other afterwards as they enjoyed their ice cream. The times they went to the beach, Kohane holding her rubber ring in her arms as they raced toward the sea. She could see it all in this one final flower- grasping it in her arms-
As she held the lily by the stem, the glisten of silver caught her eye. Turning her head she was met with a stone, but not just any old rock. Engraved with fine lettering, the oval stone stared back at her, protecting its sacred space which An had now trespassed. Though, it was not the sight of the grave which truly unnerved her, not when what truly stood out to her, was the name.
'To our dearest Nagi-san, may you rest in peace.'
Her legs had taken her to Nagi's grave, where she was about to take the Lily they had gifted her to take to the afterlife.
There, her bloodied hand still wrapped around the stem, the freezing chill of the rain had finally sobered her to a daunting realisation. She was about to steal Nagi's flower… for a game. Some dumb, pathetic game, which she had let consume her every waking moment. An felt the tears start to flow naturally, causing her to choke as she quickly scurried back from the grave, and the Lily which adorned it. When had it all gotten this far? Why had it gotten this far? An felt her chest seal up as she fought for her breath, clawing at her chest with her bloodied fingers in hopes of feeling her heartbeat. What had she done- what had she done? Letting her fears of fate and the future rid her entire rationality, of her sanity? And for what? Just to push the one who had always cared for her and supported her away. Her head fell to her knees as she wailed, but no longer for the hopes of some petals. Now, she cried out all the grief she had built in her body.
The exhaustion, the fear and the love she had been feeling for her partner- she cried for it all, and the stupid way she had let the temptation of testing fate come before merely living her life. This past week had been torture: a series of unfortunate mistakes which she continued to reap in the ground, and now she was faced with the harsh reality that she had shoved everybody away.
"Nagi-san," she wept, her voice scratchy and shaky, barely forming coherent words, "Nagi-san, what did I do, Nagi-san?" She muttered over and over again, her words muffled by the rain which only fell heavier, leaving her body aching. She had been all wrong, hadn't she, about the fears of the world leaving her behind. Ken had been there, trying to coax her into his arms, trying to comfort his little girl. Akito and Toya had been there, asking if she was okay, giving her advice to clear her head which she simply ignored. Kohane had been there, assuring her, pleading with her to open up, because she had never hated her. No, she had been concerned, but the insecure voice in An's head had told her that she had reeked of hatred. Even Nagi, her dearest Aunt, had always been there, watching her from the stars above, watching her even now, as she wept at her grave for all the foolishness she had caused. She had shoved each and every one away, for some stupid game. Who cared about fate? Who cared about those stupid games riddled with superstition and false hope, not when she had them all there, supporting her, worried for her, but she was too blind to see it.
"I've messed up, Nagi-san," An choked, snot dribbling down her face as the monstrous thunder boomed, leaving An's body shaking amidst the flashes of lightning. "I wanna go home, I wanna go home…"
There, in the midst of the stormy weather and her regrets, she called for Nagi, for her dad, for Kohane. She begged for them all, for things to not be over. She hoped her mom would forgive her for ruining her plants, and her squad for missing so much practise when they were due to perform soon. She wanted her dad to forgive her, for assuming he only pitied her, and for Nagi for never truly appreciating her time with her before she passed. She wanted Kohane. Wanted Kohane to hold her tight, to tell her that she was going to be okay. She wanted Kohane to tell her she wasn't mad for the way she ran away, even after all the times she had promised to rely on her more. Or maybe she wanted Kohane to tell her that she wasn't foolish, not for wanting that little bit of love, and that they were never going to part, no matter what dream or mistakes or damn flowers threatened to do so.
But despite it, for that night, An only cradled herself, as she faced the music.