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A rocket-like object sweeps Lux off her feet.
“Isha!” Someone screams.
She falls in slow motion, losing her balance because for some reason holding onto her groceries is more important than her health. She lands on her butt, and hisses with pain.
But on the bright side, only one can of beans rolls out of her bag.
A little girl with a mop of brown hair stares wide-eyed and frozen with guilt.
“I am so sorry.” Someone kneels beside her. The source of that voice from earlier, “Are you okay?”
And wow is she someone. She’s pale and freckled. Her hair’s blue and in a braid. She’s skinny but her arms are ripped and riddled with tattoos and the sun’s crowning her with the halo she deserves. It’s a scene just like in those romance movies she used to watch before she realized she was gay. And she only stopped because she ran out of lesbian ones two days later.
The woman snaps her fingers, right in front of her face, “Hello? Can you speak?”
“No.” She gasps. She’s utterly speechless and she has no reasonable explanation for it. She stumbles over her next few words, avoiding the grin burgeoning on the woman’s face, “I mean-I’m fine. Yes. Sorry.”
She laughs. And gosh is it a laugh. It picks Lux up and tosses her in the air. Juggles her internal organs like they’re practicing for the circus. “I really am sorry,” Blue says, when the show’s over, “My daughter… She’s still learning self-control.”
And she’s a mom, too? Lux stands, rubbing her back, and a strange bravado overcomes her propriety, “My daughter listens when I say stop.” She says. It’s meant to tease, but-
“She’s deaf.”
“Ohmygod.” She’s so insensitive! “I’msosorry!”
She laughs again. Tapdances on Lux’s chest, knees her in the stomach. “Nah, nah.” She says, “You’re so right.”
Oh thank the light she didn’t take it to heart. She follows the pointed glare the woman gives her daughter, who’s shuffling her feet with her hands in her pockets. If Blue hadn’t said, she would have assumed they were unrelated. Then again, maybe they aren’t. It’s not her business.
“Where’s yours?” She asks.
“Hm?”
“Your kid.”
“Oh. Uh.” She’s waiting for Lux at home. Probably worrying because she’s a few minutes late. She inherited Lux’s anxiety. “With my brother.” She really should get going, but-
“No dad, huh?”
She shakes her head.
“Me neither.”
“Sorry.”
“Nah.” She smirks, “Prefer women.”
And she looks Lux up and down.
She’s in the frier. A hot flash. Everywhere. All at once. “C-cool.”
“You’re adorable.” She says.
She squeaks. How has she forgotten all her manners. All the social skills she gathered over the past decade of adult life. She isn’t an inexperienced schoolgirl anymore! Why is she nervous? “I am, uh.” She breathes. She’s said it to herself. To strangers on the internet. To her brother and her closest friends. But never to a stranger. Not yet. Especially not one who was maybe possibly a prospect. “Only recently… Me too?”
She straightens. Puffs out her chest and smiles, “I’ve never been someone’s gay awakening before. Feels good.”
“No, I-I meant a few weeks.”
She rolls her eyes, “I literally set you up for a home run and you biffed it.”
“I don’t understand?” She has almost never felt as warm as she does now. Her head’s still spinning. Maybe the tumble was worse than she thought? She was trying to relate to her on their shared experiences of motherhood and sapphic existence, but-
She grabs Lux by the shoulders.
“I’m flirting with you!” She shouts in her face.
“With me?” She squeaks again. And she immediately curses her tongue for betraying her.
The woman groans, lets her go. And Lux remembers what pain feels like. Not the bruise forming on her lower cheek. Not the excruciating experience of giving birth. But that quiet realization of how lonely she’s always been. Without that steady grip, without that touch, who is she?
“I give up.” The woman says, waving a hand and signing to her daughter.
The little girl giggles, and they make to leave, but Lux can’t just let them go.
“Wait!” She begs. “What’s your name?” She needs to know. More than she needs to breathe.
“Jinx.” She smiles.
“I’m Lux.” She says.
Jinx nods. Waits. “Anything else you wanna say?”
Lux gulps. Yes. There is. She has one chance. This person’s explicitly demonstrated interest. And she wants reciprocation, if it’s present. And it absolutely is. “Will you-” She cringes. She’s not in middle-school, but she doesn’t have anything better! “Do you want to go out with me?”
“What?” Jinx gasps, “You mean as a date? But we’re two women!” She puts on a posh accent, a mocking imitation of Lux’s, “That wouldn’t be proper.”
Her insides twist. It’s not all that bad of a feeling. She’s sure Jinx is joking, and she thinks she likes it? But also… It’s not an answer. “Um. If you-”
“Yes.” She hisses, “That was a yes. Lady, you better find some confidence by tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?”
“I’m picking you up at seven.” She says, “You live here, right?” She thumbs at the steps Lux was about to climb when she was run over.
Again, her tongue betrays her. “How did you know?”
“I’ve seen you around.” She shrugs. Ruffles her daughter’s hair, “Wear something sporty. I have a plan.” She winks. Walks away.
Oh my god.
***
She is so not ready.
But it’s six forty-five. There’s no time to buy something new and ‘sporty’ but also nice but not too nice… And to top it off Garen still isn’t here and she can’t leave Alina alone for a night but she really doesn’t want to cancel on her first ever real date with a woman.
Maybe she should just lock herself back in the closet. She’s terrified. Of women in general. Let alone Jinx who’s so pretty, and confident, and a mom with her blue hair and she’s so cool and Lux is so not and she cannot believe there’s a chance-
Unless it's pity. Maybe she felt bad about Isha knocking her over. Maybe she read Lux’s sob story of a comp-het upbringing and figured she’d throw Lux a bone for the road.
No.
No. Stop. This is the same thought pattern she always goes through. The same one that led her into messes she didn’t want with boys. She can’t let that discolour her night. This longing is real, and she chooses to believe Jinx feels at least a fraction of it. If refusing to repress trips her face-first into a pile of rusty nails, so be it.
It’ll be worth it.
“Mama?”
“Darling!” She turns, the tone of her daughter’s voice banishing all panic for anything other than whatever the matter is for her baby.
Alina’s standing at the bathroom door, holding her teddy with one hand and the doorframe with the other. “A-are you all right?”
Me? “Yes dear,” She kneels, “What’s wrong?” She might have to cancel the date for this face alone. She could never leave her daughter’s side like this.
“Y-you’ve been in the bathroom for a long time.” She says, “A-and you look worried.”
Oh, she’s so emotionally intelligent already. Maybe she got more than just Lux’s negative qualities, because it certainly didn’t come from her father. She thumbs a stray hair off Alina’s cheek and mirrors her doe-y eyed expression, “I’m okay.” She says, “Only nervous.”
“W-why?”
“I said I’m going on a date, remember?”
“D-doesn’t that make you happy?”
“Yes!” She says, if only it were that simple, “Very happy. But I get anxious about everything, you know that.”
She smiles, “Y-yeah, you do.”
“I’m trying my best to make it perfect.”
“Y-you’ll get her to love you for sure. I do!”
“How-” She gulps, “Did you know it’s a girl?”
She tilts her head, “I t-thought you were a let’s-be-Ann”
Lux gasps, “Where did you learn that word?”
Horror, reflected on her daughter's face. “I-is it bad?”
“No!” Shoot, shoot, shoot, “No, no it isn’t! I promise.”
“I h-heard you say it with uncle.”
“Oh.” She thought for sure Alina had fallen asleep. She didn’t want her to find out like this. She wasn’t ready to tell her at all. “Can I have a hug?” She asks.
“Yes, mama!” Alina hangs off her neck, suffocating her with a love that knows no bounds. A few more years and she’ll have to start holding back, or actually hurt Lux with these squeezes. Lux hugs her back and cries.
“I’m sorry.” She says, “I should have told you myself.”
“I d-don’t understand.”
Of course she doesn’t. She’s five. The pain the world wrought on Lux’s psyche for daring to be born different, the struggle she still goes through, isn’t something anyone should have to understand. Lux has shielded her from any pressure or hatred at home. She’s tried her best to push her to be herself. She’s loved her and accepted every facet she discovers day after day. And now Alina’s giving it back. She was so wrong to be afraid. She should’ve trusted her wonderful little angel in the first place. “I love you.” She says.
“I love you too!” She says, forgetting the question completely.
“I’ll always love you.” She repeats. Meaning so much more than Alina could ever know. She pulls back to look at her face, their smiles bouncing off each other and growing and growing.
“I’ll always love you too!” She says, “And y-you don’t have to worry! I can share!”
Lux laughs, “Thank you.” She says, “I really needed to hear that.”
The doorbell rings.
Her time’s up.
“Can I meet her!” Alina whispers.
“Uh.” That’s… That’s way too soon. Way too forward. But she has such big eyes, and Lux has already met Jinx’s daughter. Besides, they have to kill time till Garen arrives, and… She’s the most important person in her life. Whoever she dates needs to know that. Maybe Alina will see things she doesn’t. Children always say it like they see it. “Go.” She says.
“Yes!” She skids, fiddles with the lock and opens the door. She straightens, looks up, gasps, closes her mouth, holds her breath, puts out a hand, and in one breath, “Hello my name is Alina and your hair is blue!”
Lux almost chokes.
She hears the smile in Jinx’s response, “Hi, Alina. I’m Jinx, and, yes. It is. Is your mom here?”
Alina glances over, “S-she’s busy at the moment,” She says, “Shall I make you tea while you wait?”
Wow. She’s a better host than Lux is.
“No, thanks.” Jinx says, “Oh, I brought you a lil’ somethin’”
“F-for me?”
It’s all Lux can do not to rush to the door and crush the life out of this woman she met only yesterday. Alina loses her cool professionalism, receiving a small yellow toy in her hand.
“Yep, all yours.”
She looks at it like it’s the most precious thing she’s ever held, but…
“It’s a yo-yo.” Jinx explains. “I made it for my daughter a while ago, but she wants you to have it now.”
Jinx made it?
And Isha sent it?
Who are these people?
“W-what’s a yo-yo?”
“Ah, I’ll show you.”
This she has to see. If Jinx made it for her daughter, she must know what she’s doing with it. She marches behind Alina to watch Jinx roll the toy down and up and around. Alina follows it like she does birds in the sky when they go out to the park, but Lux? She loves how the concentration in Jinx’s eyes falters when she clocks the attention.
Lux feels much the same. Seeing Jinx in a black tank top, with a bullet on a silver chain around her neck, with her hair down and her eye make-up immaculate… Lux feels underdressed in comparison, even if what she’s wearing isn’t much different.
Jinx completes her show and wordlessly returns the toy to Alina.
“I d-don’t think I can do that.”
Jinx tears her eyes off Lux to smile, “Just takes practice, kiddo. Next time I see you, you’ll show me up, I’m sure.”
Next time?
“H-hi.” She says.
Jinx’s confidence also wavers, “I also made you something.”
“W-what?” She gasps.
Jinx finds her foot in an observation, “She’s your daughter alright.” And retrieves a strange coin of interlocking brass leaves from her pocket, “Press it. From the sides.”
Lux does, and the leaves fold. The coin transforms into a rose and she gasps, “It’s b-beautiful.”
“You inspired me.”
Lux can’t keep the smile off her face, “Is this what you do for all your girls…” Because she’s not that special. It can’t be just for her.
But Jinx says it. “Nah, sunshine. Just for you.”
“I’m paying for dinner.” She says. It’s non-negotiable. She didn’t get Jinx anything. She considered flowers, but Jinx said they were doing something sporty, and it didn’t feel right. Next time, she will.
“Okay, okay.” Jinx forfeits, moves on, “And Isha wanted to apologise.”
Lux nods, “It’s fine. Um. Lucky, even.”
“Ha!” Jinx scoffs, “Sure.” She bites her lip, looks around, “So…”
Lux reads the question off the air, “I’m still waiting for my brother to come over. He was supposed to get here a while ago. I’ll call him.” She steps aside, “Come in. Take a seat.”
She seats Jinx on the sofa and offers tea herself, but she declines again. Alina stays by the door. She hasn’t attempted any tricks yet, only focusing on the toy in her hands, processing what she’s seen and trying to master the physics in her head so her first try is as perfect as can be. Lux worries about that, sometimes. Most of the time. She’s going to be as much of a perfectionist as Lux is and she has no idea what she can do to prevent it. She can barely keep herself in check.
Oh. She finds missed calls on her phone by the charger.... Of course he tried to contact her. She was just too distracted to hear it ringing from the bathroom.
“Lux, I’m so sorry.” He says when he picks up.
“What happened?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” He sighs, “Someone rammed into me on the way over-”
“Are you hurt!”
“No, no.” He says, “But I can’t get there for a while. We’re still waiting for a police officer. I’m so sorry, Lux. I know this was important.”
“It’s not your fault.” She sighs, “It’s fine.”
“I’ll let you know when I’m done.” He says, dejected.
“I’ll figure it out.” She says, “Go home after, don’t worry about it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. I’m sorry again. Talk to you later.”
“See you.”
She hangs up. Shuts down. A pinprick of rage deflates her new lease on life. She’s not angry at him, but at the world. For once she was going to do something for herself. Finally, after years of shoving her wants in a box, she was going on a date with someone she actually likes. So much of her self-doubt vanished the moment she looked up at Jinx from below, she thought there might even be a future for her. One where she’s happy.
“Is everything okay?” Jinx asks from the other room.
Lux returns to her execution, “He can’t come.” Takes a seat.
“Oh. Shit.”
And even in her state, “Jinx!” She hisses,
“Wha-?”
She points to Alina, who’s thankfully not paying attention.
Obviously, though, she hears more than she lets on. Dear god, she hopes she doesn’t echo that word in school. The scandal…
“Oh. Oops. I meant ‘shoot’.”
Lux sighs, it’s too late now. “I’m sorry.” Tears threaten to spill out, “I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, hey!” Jinx scoots closer, hands hovering with uncertainty nearby, “I live with my aunt. Isha’s with her! If you’re comfortable…”
She shakes her head. It hurts, but it’s the truth, “I c-can’t leave her with a stranger.”
“Of course not.” Closer. Lux wishes she’d just grab her hand or something. “What if we bring them with us? We could share a coffee at the playground.”
“B-but you had a plan.”
She shrugs, “Plans always go wrong. Who needs them?”
“I do.”
Jinx takes her hand, finally. “Then that’s what we’re doing. We pick up Isha, walk to the playground, and watch them from Jericho’s. You know the place, surely.”
Lux nods.
“Okay. It’s a plan.” She stands, “Wait, can I use your bathroom before we go?”
Lux points, “You may.”
Jinx rolls her eyes and leaves.
Alina rushes in to hug her, “Mama I know what I want to be when I grow up.”
Whiplash. Now? She’s been wrestling with that question for weeks after the schoolteacher asked it. Alina felt horrible, seeing most of the other kids have an answer when she did not. Lux tried to convince her it’s normal not to know, and that everyone changes their mind multiple times over the years, but she’s five and it’s a big deal. “Okay?”
“I want to be a let’s-be-Ann.”
Lux chokes. “W-what?” Automatically.
“I want to be like you!” She says, proudly, “And like Jinx!”
“But-” How can she answer that? She’s supposed to tell her she can be whatever she wants to be, but this isn’t something you can control. And Lux wouldn’t wish the pain she went through to figure herself out on her worst enemies, let alone her daughter. She’d love, and support her through anything but society… “You-”
Jinx comes out.
Lux looks to her desperately for help.
“What?” She says.
Alina chirps in, “I want to be like you when I grow up!”
Jinx smiles, “Nah. I’m not as cool as you think. Be like your mom.”
“Her too!”
Lux sighs, “Let’s just… Go.” Alina will forget this in an hour. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. Gosh, she’s still unloading that baggage herself. She just doesn’t want her daughter to have to go through it as well.
At least… At least she won’t have any trouble earning parental acceptance. The destruction of her family is her main regret. She can sort of live with the general populace having a mixed opinion on her sexuality. She’ll take the steps as they come. But she’ll be sure to instill the ceaselessness of her unconditional love in Alina’s soul. That’ll have to be enough.
She makes Alina put on her own shoes and they leave the apartment building as a group. Jinx’s place is conveniently nearby, just across the street and down the block. She practically kicks open her door to reveal a floor littered with tools and toys and half-finished colourful block projects and half-finished clockwork miniatures. Papers, plans or childish drawings, clutter every surface. She has to fight the urge to cover Alina’s eyes from the mess, for fear of transmitting her inner clean-freak to her too.
A woman with a prosthetic arm sits in front of the TV, “Back already?” She grunts.
“Nice to see you too, ‘Vika.” Jinx says. “Change of plans. Bringing Isha with.”
“The hell am I here for then?”
“Dunno. Clean up the place. I’ll pay you.”
“My ass you’ll pay me.”
But she does cover her ears. Too late. Too late.
She pulls her away from the door. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. She should’ve guessed, from the lack of control over her daughter, from the hair and the tattoos, from the sheer cool-factor and the amount of skin she shows… Jinx is going to be a bad influence. On Alina, and on Lux. She can’t jeopardize her family for a flight of fancy.
“Whatever. Where’s the lil’ bug?”
“In your room.”
“And you’re not watching her cause?”
“Pay me, bitch.”
Jinx groans, throws the universal ‘get a load of this’ thumb sign to Lux, and says “Wait here.” She tiptoes past the sharp junk with practiced ease. Opens a door, and freezes. “Fuck!”
Lux sweeps Alina away. It’s too much. They’re back to the bottom floor, the curses echoing down the stairwell, haunting and taunting her. Chasing her daughter and orbiting them like flies. She should’ve known it was too good to be thru. She literally asked someone off the street. She had every guarantee that it’d go poorly. But Lux suffers from wishful thinking. It was a fantasy come true.
She’s dodging a bullet. A literal bullet hanging around her neck. She should be happy.
So why is she so disappointed?
She gets to spend the night in with her daughter. Shower her with affection. That’s better than anything.
“Mama?”
She sets it all aside, “Dear?” Realizes she’s sitting down on the bottom step.
“Why are you sad?”
Nothing gets past her baby. And she can’t do what she’d do with an adult. She can’t just say ‘I’m okay’ and move on. Not with Alina. She needs to lead by example, “I wanted tonight to be perfect.” She says.
“B-but you always say to try your best no matter what.”
She does. To her daughter. Not to herself. “I’m sorry.” She says, “Being an adult is hard.”
She frowns, hugs her. She’s so pure, it takes some of the darkness away. “It’s going to be okay, mama.” She says, echoing Lux’s words from every time she scraped her knee or got pushed by another child.
“Thank you.” She says.
Alina squeezes, “Psst.” She whispers, grabbing Lux’s attention and tossing it to the top of the stairs.
“I am so sorry for that.” Jinx says, coming down two steps at a time.
The explanation follows her in equal parts shame and mischief. Isha’s hair… It’s splattered with haphazard blue hand prints.
Oh.
She feels Alina overheat. Her mind’s working overtime. Her eyes aren’t visible, but she knows how wide they can get. She knows how her jaw drops when she learns something incredible.
It’s adorable. Both Isha’s attempt and Alina’s reaction.
Though she sympathizes with Jinx, too. She doesn’t know what she’d do, if she found Alina with dye in her hair.
“I told her I’d dye her hair for the Summer but I guess she couldn’t wait and I CAN’T TRUST MY AUNT.”
The door upstairs slams closed.
The children stare at each other awkwardly. But that feeling’s faded for Lux. She doesn’t feel upset anymore, either. And the butterflies are nowhere to be seen. She’s already been through the wringer with Jinx, from flirting to normalcy. She is spinning on a merry-go-round of emotions, but she also finds a sense of calm. She can do this.
“You still want to hang?” Jinx asks.
And there’s hope in her voice.
“Yes.” She says. She still wants her date. She needs it. And she feels more comfortable going on it, now that she’s seen so much. Jinx isn’t such a mystery anymore. Lux lets go of her expectations. Like Jinx said, plans always go awry. Today’s off the rails and… That’s not so bad actually. She didn’t stick to her prescribed script growing up, so why start now?
She has Alina. That’s what’s important.
And Jinx is pretty. She can look past the potty-mouth and the disorganization. Maybe having her around might give Alina a role model on the other end of the spectrum. And maybe Lux can help Jinx with Isha.
Regardless, she can tell both of them have a golden heart. It warrants a good try.
***
Later, when she’s tucking Alina in for bed with a smile still on her face, she sees that look in her daughter’s face. The one she has when she’s formulating a question.
“What do you want to say, dear?” They’re already getting to bed later than they’re supposed to, what’s the harm in a few more minutes?
“Umm…”
Oh. She’s nervous.
“I know Isha wasn’t supposed to have blue hair…”
“But?”
“B-but I think it looks nice.”
Lux sighs, “I do too.” She admits, “I don’t think the school will really care.” At least, she hopes not.
“Um.”
Oh no.
She feels it. What’s coming. She swallows the dread, “You can tell me.”
“I like pink.”
Oh dear.
“Can I have pink hair?”
Oh dear.
She sighs.
“In Summer.”