Chapter Text
The BSAA convoy was parked along a dirt road, engines idling, soldiers checking gear. Claire sat in the passenger seat of the humvee, helmet off, hair pulled back, flipping through the mission brief.
Leon sat beside her. Bored out of his mind. Dangerously bored.
He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, staring out the window. “How long do you think Chris is gonna take?”
Claire didn’t look up from her paperwork. “Five minutes, Hun. Be patient.”
Leon groaned dramatically. “Five minutes is basically an eternity.”
Claire smirked. “You’re a grown man.”
“Allegedly…” He mumbled as he spotted the walkie clipped to the dash.
Claire instantly saw the look in his eyes. “Leon. Don’t you—”
Too late. He grabbed it.
Claire slapped his arm, trying to get him to stop before he could start his bullshit. “Leon—!”
He pressed the button.
In the most highest-pitch he could manage and the most ridiculous faux-German accent imaginable, he said:
“Hallo, Herr Redfield… zis is Agent Kennedy. Permission to begin ze pew-pew mission?”
Static.
Silence filled the walkies and the air around them.
Then Chris’s voice came through the static, flat and exhausted. “…Leon. Stop.”
Leon grinned like a gremlin.
Claire covered her face as she sunk into her seat in the humvee. “Oh my god… here we go.”
Leon pressed the button again. “Christopher, mein freund, vee are getting restless in ze Humvee. Vee vant action. Vee vant explosions. Vee vant—”
“LEON,” Chris snapped, “EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU.”
From the other vehicles surrounding them, Leon could hear muffled laughter crackle through the comms.
Leon continued anyway. “Chris, darling, you sound stressed. Are you hydrated? Have you stretched? Vee cannot have you pulling a muscle—”
Claire smacked Leon’s arm again. “STOP. You’re gonna piss him off.”
Leon ignored her completely. “Chris, sweetheart, if you vant, I can come give you a massage—”
“LEON!”
There were at least three hound members trying not to laugh now through the comms — Night Howl, Canine, and Lobo.
Claire was wheezing. “You’re going to die. He’s going to kill you!”
Leon pressed the button again, still in the accent. “Christopher, mein schatzi, vee are ready to—”
Suddenly, Chris’s voice came back over the walkie… But he mimicked Leon’s accent perfectly.
“Ha ha, very funny, Agent Kennedy…”
Leon froze.
Claire froze.
The entire squad fell silent.
Then Chris, still in the accent, shouted: “GET. OFF. THE WALKIE.”
Leon’s jaw dropped. “He did not just—”
Claire was crying laughing. “He did. Oh my god, he did.”
From the other Humvees, the hound squad members were losing it. Even Umber Eyes was now howling with laughter.
Leon pressed the button one last time, speaking in his normal tone and voice now. “Christopher… I am both impressed and offended.”
Chris replied instantly. “GOOD. NOW GET OFF THE WALKIE.”
Leon set the walkie back down on the dash slowly, staring out the window as he tried not to laugh.
Claire wiped her eyes. “You deserved that.”
Leon crossed his arms. “I feel bullied.”
Claire patted his knee. “You know you’re the reason he’s on stress management right?”
Leon grumbled. “I hate this family.”
From Chris’s Humvee, he faintly said, “…We love you too, shithead.”
Leon blinked.
Claire smiled.
He sighed. “I’m never living this down.”
“Your funeral. Not mine,” Claire said.