Work Text:
Nikki Freeman wasn't exactly the most tame person back in high school. "Freaky Nikki" wasn't a name that she had obtained out of thin air, unfortunately it was earned for a reason. She had struggled with hypersexuality since middle school. It was common for her to oversexualize herself so she could feel wanted and pretty.
Her social media posts were curated selectively. Selfies with certain angles to make her look more innocent in the weird attractive way, poses to show off her chest, ass, thighs, anything that would grab attention. Pictures were strategically cut off, captions were intentional. Her wardrobe was even more calculated. Tank tops, tight shirts, microshorts and skirts that barely left anything to the imagination, yet still fit the school dress code. She was a mastermind.
Girls in school wanted to be her for a long time. She was highly attractive compared to most girls her age, and a lot more developed, with a build that was quite rare. But despite the girls being in awe, Nikki wanted the attention and the validation from guys. She sought them out, threw herself at them like a cut of steak in a lion cage.
Guys weren't as impressed by her looks. They thought she was too thick for a girl her height, and her personality didn't give her any leg up. They only fucked her because of her chest and the fact that "bigger chicks are better in bed" according to teenage boys. She was sleeping with different guys every week, and word spread fast. Once she was given the name "Freaky Nikki," she started to feel ashamed and disgusting.
Come college, she stopped sleeping with people. She dressed a little more reserved, but still had that sexy edge that she loved in the past. She'd flirt a lot, she made it a game, but it was rare for her to hook up with anybody. Then Ian came along, one thing led to another, and they started having sex from time to time. But eventually, she wanted something more serious, and Ian chose to cut things off instead.
Then she got involved with Sarah shortly after. Things started slow, they had a couple drunk make out sessions beforehand, nothing more. Once they got together, sex hadn't really ever become a topic. Not because they didn't want to, but because Nikki would try to engage, and Sarah wouldn't really acknowledge.
"Baby, what do we think of this? Should I post it?" Nikki asked Sarah, handing the phone over to her girlfriend for her approval. It was a basic slideshow post. One selfie, a dinner pic from a fancy restaurant they had gone to the night prior, and a close up picture of her crystal necklace sitting nicely on her chest. The last picture was taken earlier in the day, while she was wearing a tight v neck long sleeve with the slightest amount of lace from her bra poking out. Sarah hadn't seen this shirt before, but Nikki loved it and felt very confident in it. "I love my shirt in the last one, it lowkey makes my tits look so good."
Sarah took the phone and swiped through the photos, spending a decent amount of time on each slide to make sure everything looked good. "Looks good to me." She replied as she gave the phone back to Nikki.
Nikki gave Sarah a long look, clearly a little confused by her response. "That's it? Looks good?"
Sarah nodded. "Yeah, I like the song choice too. Tumblr bitches are gonna go crazy for that shit."
Nikki wasn't really shocked at all. This wasn't the first time she had tried to get Sarah to say or agree with any sort of sexualization she had directed toward herself. In fact, this was quite common. Sarah liked to throw around lighthearted compliments like "pretty and "beautiful," but she never uttered anything like "hot" or "sexy." They would make out for half an hour, then Sarah will pull away and start talking about random shit every time.
And it's not like Sarah has ever had an issue with sex. She is perfectly fine to make sexual jokes or comments in general, she can talk about sex and the sex lives of other people, she just never says anything directed towards her girlfriend. Nikki tries so hard to drive a sexually tense moment, she tries so hard to get Sarah to openly want her in that way. But she feels like Sarah just doesn't really get it.
Nikki didn't want to start anything, so she just nodded instead. "Okay." she replied. Nikki didn't wait for Sarah to say anything, she sped off to their room almost immediately and sat on the bed.
She tried to hold back, but she failed as tears broke through anyway. What was wrong with her? Was she just not pretty enough? Was she doing everything wrong? Was she just not good enough for Sarah to want to fuck her?
Nikki got so lost in thought, she barely heard Sarah's footsteps getting closer to the bedroom door.
"Nik, do you know where the.."
Sarah trailed off once she saw her girlfriend on the bed. Her face red and wet with tears, her eyes bloodshot and glossy. She looked smaller, like a lost kitten. "..Hey, hey honey, what's wrong? What happened?"
There was no going back now. Nikki couldn't just brush it off, she couldn't think of any excuses that wouldn't cause alarm. And the truth was that she was so desperate, she needed to know what was wrong with her.
"Am I not hot enough for you?" Nikki asked, voice cracking and slightly raw, as if she hadn't spoken in hours.
Sarah frowned and sat down next to her. "What?"
Nikki turned away from her to hide her face. "You don't want to fuck me, do you?" She continued. "You don't look at me like that. I try to get your attention, and it never works."
"Nikki.."
"What's wrong with me? What do I need to do? I'll do whatever I fucking need to, I want you to want me, Sarah!"
Sarah grabbed Nikki's chin, rubbing her thumb over her cheek to grab her attention. "Honey."
Nikki looked at Sarah pleadingly. "I can't keep doing this. Just tell me what I need to do, and I'll do it. Please."
"Okay, okay. Right now, I need you to breathe. I hear you, I understand, but I think we need to take a second here." Sarah replied, moving her hand down to grab Nikki's. "Can you do that for me?"
It took Nikki a minute, but she eventually brought herself back down a little bit.
"There we go." Sarah praised. "Nikki, you are so so gorgeous. You're so hot, and I absolutely do look at you like that. There's nothing wrong with you at all." Sarah started.
"Then why won't you have-"
"Let me finish, baby." Sarah cut her off gently. "I do want to... Have sex with you, I mean. I know I've seemed avoidant about that, that wasn't my intention at all. The only reason I've been like that is because I haven't had sex with anyone before, and I don't entirely know how to initiate shit like that. I don't want to hurt you, or say the wrong thing, but that has led me to not trying at all, and I'm so sorry that it's gotten to this point."
Nikki kept her eyes glued to her lap. "It's fine, we don't have to do anything. I get it. You don't have to do anything, I'll get my shit under control, I'm sorry."
Sarah put her hand back under Nikki's chin to tilt her head up a bit. "Nik, you have nothing to be sorry for. We can absolutely have sex, I would love to. I'm just a little bit nervous, because I don't know what I'm doing. That's all. You don't have to control anything."
Nikki glanced up at Sarah for a moment. "Promise?"
"Of course I promise." Sarah responded, holding her arm out for Nikki. "Come here."
Her girlfriend leaned in to rest her head on Sarah's shoulder. Sarah didn't hesitate to wrap her other arm around her. She kissed Nikki's forehead, and rested her chin on top of her head. "I love you, okay?"
Nikki nodded. "Love you too."