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… And as always, it’s night outside the window. No one will believe me if I say I’m lying awake again because of you. No one will believe me, but I don’t want them to believe me anyway. I’m too tired to want anything.
Once again, I find myself wondering. What am I living for? It all used to seem so clear to me. I was born to be great, to be famous, to be respected by magicians, to be above everyone else… But now… Everything has changed ever since I saw you…
No, on the surface, it looks like I’m just like everyone else. It’s hard to keep up the act all the time, but that’s why I’m a Malfoy. I know how to keep my composure.
You’ve taught me a lot. I’ll admit, before we met, I was a weakling. I lived in my father’s shadow, knowing that all I had to do was say the word, and my dad would show up to protect me.
Yes, I was a coward. It’s easy for me to admit that now. But back then, I thought that was my future, that it was what I really wanted. I was exactly how my father wanted me to be non emotional, no signs of weakness. But when you came along, everything changed.
I became weak around you. I was at a loss whenever I saw you. I realized that I could never so easily, without effort, put on a cold front when necessary, or be so open that everyone around me would start gravitating toward you. Around you, I immediately became someone I later berated myself for being, but I couldn't change a thing.
And I realized I was in love. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t so much that you were a guy that scared me, but that you were Potter. My enemy. My one and only, so-desired enemy. And I started acting even more like myself around you. Remember back in our third year, when we were watching that stupid hippogriff get executed, and your friend Granger hit me, and I ran away? Yeah, I remember that perfectly. At first, I thought I’d never forget that humiliation, but then I realized I’d never forget that moment, because on that very day, something happened in your eyes that left me completely confused.
Those green eyes… Those emeralds. I asked my father to buy me two beautiful emeralds, and I attached them to one of the statues in our house, but even those stones can’t compare to your eyes.
I’ve always been a bit pensive. I remember—you noticed it. You’d glance at me out of the corner of your eye, as if you knew something, but you never said anything, though I don’t blame you… I’m a Malfoy, after all. Who would ever open up to me…? Although I do know someone who’s foolish enough…
It happened during our fifth year. After your godfather died, that Sirius Black. Oh, I remember how devastated, how broken you were. Neither the Weasleys nor Granger could calm you down. Forget calming you down, just bringing you back to your senses!!! But I could. And I always made sure to push you over the edge. I wanted you to keep living, because without emotions, you were simply dying.
And then you stopped showing up for class. I was panicking. I couldn’t stand not seeing you or arguing with you. So I started waiting for you by the door of your tower. I was hoping that someday you’d finally come out, and I’d be able to talk to you. Oh yes, I was going to talk to you…
And everything worked out perfectly. I had just walked up when your portrait opened. I barely had time to hide behind a pole so I wouldn't be spotted. Something slipped past me, and I realized it was you. Of course, I knew about the invisibility cloak, but I know your scent even better.
You went upstairs, and I followed you. My heart was pounding so hard that I thought the whole castle could hear it. I knew what you were about to do, and I was afraid. I wouldn't be able to stop you.
But I made it in time. You had taken off your cloak and were standing there, looking down. I was right there, ready to grab your hand. You were broken, miserable, just as I had been for so long. You took a step forward, but I grabbed you and pulled you back from the edge of the roof. You fell to the floor, sobbing, looking at me through your tears, cursing me for stopping you. I just held you close and comforted you, whispering the words I’d been meaning to say to you for so long.
You finally calmed down. I remember you asking why I saved you. And you looked at me with those green eyes of yours. And I was lost. I kissed you so passionately that it scared even me. My hands were shaking as I held you close. I was afraid that you’d push me away, that you’d yell at me, and that your green eyes would never look at me the way they used to…
But you didn't push me away. You hugged me, pressed yourself against me, and kissed me tenderly in return. I could feel your tears on my cheeks, your cold hands, and I was afraid I might lose it all…
Oh, I’ve grown up. Not in age, but on the inside. I felt that in that single moment on the roof, I became a different person. Everything changed, I realized what I wanted and what I was striving for. But all paths still led back to you. We sat on the roof all night, and I told you everything I was feeling. You kissed me, hugged me back, and shared your feelings with me, too. That’s when I realized I’d never leave you.
Yes, I won't let you go. Even though you're a Gryffindor and I'm a Slytherin. You're Potter, and I'm Malfoy. You're an angel, and I'm a servant of the devil. But I decided then that I would become worthy of you. And I did everything I could.
I told my father I wouldn't become a Death Eater. He kicked me out of the house, and I left. I changed the way I treated the other students at Hogwarts. I became friends with the Gryffindors. I know it's thanks to you, even though you deny it. After all, the Gryffindors wouldn't have accepted me if it weren't for you. We were together everywhere. All the time.
And then that devil decided it was time to start a war. As the chief savior, you, of course, had to go there. I followed you, even though I wasn’t supposed to. I learned a lot from you, and I wanted to be with you so I could save you if necessary. I remember we once agreed that if we were going to die, it would only be together. It’s funny…
The war was horrific. Many friends died. Not my friends, but yours… You were always my only friend. And you suffered every time another life so closely tied to yours came to an end. Granger, Weasley, Hagrid… You kept breaking down, and I didn’t know what to do to calm you down.
But we were together. Several years had passed since that war. We had grown older, but we were still very close to each other. Yet doubts were beginning to creep in around us. You still hadn’t been able to defeat Voldemort. Many were losing faith in you. I grew tired of proving to everyone that only you could help us, but some people were starting to have doubts. Those doubts tormented you even more; you began to doubt yourself… In moments like those, I did everything I could to see a smile on your weary face, so unaccustomed to smiling…
And one day, you decided to go into battle alone. I tried to stop you, but you said that if you couldn't win now, you'd never be able to. All I could do was go with you, even though you tried to stop me.
Voldemort was waiting for us. All I could do was watch and be ready for anything. But I wasn’t ready for this. You just disappeared. Both of you. All at once. As if you’d planned it. I started to panic. I didn’t know where you might be. I didn’t know what to do. I screamed, ran around, cast various spells, but nothing changed, and you didn’t show up. I fell to my knees and burst into tears…
And the news that the greatest dark wizard was dead sent shockwaves through the world. All of his followers and minions had vanished. My father was among them. He even asked me to come back, but of course, I refused.
You disappeared, too. Or rather, you never showed up. I started to lose my mind. I saw you everywhere.
I started talking to myself. Dumbledore began paying me extra attention, and Snape tried to give me some potions to calm me down, but it was all in vain. I was losing my sense of purpose, I was losing my life, and I didn’t want to go back to a normal life. I didn’t need a life without you.
What do you think they did to me? They put me in a mental hospital… My last request is for paper and ink. I wrote you letters, not knowing where to send them, and drew pictures of you… All the walls of my prison were covered with these drawings. I sat there, remembering the things we used to dream about. I thought I’d never forgive you for leaving me…
How much time has passed? Who knows? My days were gray. Sometimes they were green, when the kind women who looked after me gave me green paint. It wasn’t like the color of your eyes, but it was green nonetheless, and I was happy about that, because it was my only celebration.
Dumbledore and Snape would sometimes come to see me. They would talk to me, beg me to start trying to get better, to get back to a normal life. Dumbledore tried to say something, but Snape hadn’t done that in a long time. He understood everything. Of course, how could he not understand… He loved YOUR mom… He must have known what the pain of loss felt like…
And then one day, Dumbledore took me to Hogwarts after all. I don’t know why he did it. I spent my time cooped up indoors, drawing and writing and idolizing the color green. Though, later on, I started going out for walks by the lake. Sometimes, before a thunderstorm, it was just as mysterious and impossibly beautiful as you are…
And then I got tired of living like that. I found some cards congratulating me on my twenty-fifth birthday. That meant my “life” had been going downhill for more than ten years. I got tired of constantly dreaming. I got tired of being angry at you. I even forgave you. I just wanted to be with you.
I remember how hard it was to find a time when I wasn’t being watched. I went to the lake just before a thunderstorm. I sat on the shore while the dark, menacing waves lapped at my feet. One by one, I let my drawings and letters float away into the lake and watched as they drifted either to the bottom or toward the center of the lake…
It was already getting dark, though the sky had been dark to begin with, when I finally decided to end it all. I looked at the castle, at everything that had surrounded me for so long. I thanked everyone, especially Dumbledore and Snape, for everything they’d done for me. I thought of you… And at that moment, as I sank beneath the water…
But something pulled me out of there. I couldn’t resist because my lungs were already filled with water. I closed my eyes and gave in to that force pulling me upward. When I found myself on the shore, someone started shaking me, slapping my cheeks… And then I heard your voice. You were calling out to me, begging me to come back, to forgive you for leaving me… I opened my eyes with great effort and saw your green eyes…
Yes, I was never crazy, even though I didn’t care about life and acted completely indifferent to everything. That’s probably why they thought I was crazy…
But at that moment, I did go crazy. I crawled away from you, screaming something about an impure spirit, begging it to go away. And you were sitting on the shore, in your expensive, wet clothes, completely shattered. You had bags under your eyes, you were insanely tired, and something about you made me fall silent. And then you started to speak…
You told me everything that happened during that battle and afterward. You said the most important thing, that you didn’t disappear on your own, but that Voldemort transported you somewhere. You managed to defeat him, but you lost your memory. You told me that you lived for almost ten years in an unknown place, with a family that wasn’t your own, until one day you stumbled upon an old newspaper that reported that the Malfoy heir had gone mad and ended up in an asylum. And there was my photo. And you remembered everything. You made your way back home. You spoke with Dumbledore, who told you I was here. You came and saw me sinking to the bottom. You saved me. You said that if I had drowned then, you would have followed me, because we had once promised each other to die together.
I started crying and clung to you. You’ve changed so much, but your tenderness, your affection, your scent, they’ve all stayed the same. I realized I was healthy. I realized I wanted to live.
I realized I wanted to live with you…
Only with you…
And I also realized that I had been waiting for you…
I knew you were alive…
That’s exactly why I was still alive.
That’s exactly why I’ve always loved the color green.
And that’s exactly why I’ll never, ever let you go anywhere alone…
You’ll be only with me, because you brought me back to myself.
I’ve learned to live, to feel, to love again…