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It hurts quite a lot, this entire thing.
Rimicha isn't a strong person, by any means. He's painfully aware of that, even if Hallritt, or Romarriche, or anyone else in Red Bouquet will say otherwise. His magic is weak and so is his build, he's a coward, shy, and, speaking frankly, quite pathetic. He always relies on others, both in a fight and to keep himself sane.
So, how is he expected to deal with this?
Seeing a SEEDS come out of Sanah's chest was scary enough. With Sanah being rendered unable to fight, Rimicha didn't know what to do. His body froze up, and even if he tried to put on a brave front, he wasn't so sure he could call on his magic. Just this sight was already nightmares-inducing enough, but there was some hope. Sanah's alright, right?
Sanah wasn't alright.
Sanah can't remember anything about SEEDS or being a Fragaria, he can't remember their friends or the adventure they shared together. And worst of all: he can't remember Rimicha.
At first, Rimicha was even a bit relieved, when he learned that even with big gaps in memories, Sanah could remember him. Disoriented Sanah, Sanah not sure of what was going on, he was cute. In his mind, Rimicha was the only presence he could remember, he could be sure of, so he clinged to Rimicha. Disgustingly, it made Rimicha satisfied. After all, who wouldn't be happy if their loved one found their presence comforting, and showed it so openly?
So maybe, just maybe, all of this is just the fate punishing Rimicha for such disgusting thoughts. This...
"Rimicha, are you okay?" A voice comes from his side, voice still friendly and concerned.
"A-ah, Sanah! I'm fine, sorry!" How irresponsible of him, spacing out to wallow in his own self-loathing when Sanah is right besides him, still as confused as ever.
Surprisingly, Sanah still trusts him. Even after forgetting Rimicha along with all other things, Sanah continues to trust him as if nothing is amiss, just because Rimicha told him that they're friends.
Friends... This lie stung. He wasn't brave enough to reveal the nature of their relationship to anyone else before, not even fellow Fragaria of Red Bouquet, so it came naturally to him, but it's completely different to tell it to Sanah.
But... This Sanah trusts him so much, that telling the truth will only sound like a lie. This Sanah, without a history of their life close to his heart, how can he believe that they were anything more than just besties?
Oh, who is he kidding. Of course Sanah would believe him. And still, it makes it even worse, to admit to them being romantic. Because this trusting Sanah, he'll believe easily, and to Rimicha, it will feel like using Sanah's trust, and he can never do that, even if his life is on the line.
Wait, what is he even doing! Rimicha curses at himself internally—here he goes, wallowing in these emotions again, leaving Sanah alone. "Sorry, Sanah! I'm just... Spacing out a bit, you know? Nothing important!"
Sanah smiles at him, and Rimicha melts just a bit. Oh Lords, how weak he is to this smile. But then, his expression drops, becomes more sad, the smile pained. "Is this because of me?"
Huh? Is Sanah... Blaming himself? For Rimicha spacing out? Well that's not right!
"That's not it! It's just me stuff!" Sanah keeps looking at him, and Rimicha really tries to avoid eye contact. "Okay, I'm sorta thinking about you... But it's not your fault!"
Sanah laughs at that. Sanah, oh Sanah, if only he knew how his innocent laugh makes Rimicha feel, how it squeezes his heart in its clutches.
"Nahaha, it's fine!" He's close to Rimicha right now, so close. If Rimicha dared, he could snuggle up to Sanah's chest no problem, hide away from this entire situation. But he can't, because friends don't do that, and for Sanah, they're nothing more than friends. "So, what is it?"
"Huh?"
"I mean, what is it you're thinking about! Maybe, having you tell me more will help me remember."
Rimicha's heart skips a beat. How is he supposed to tell this? Sorry Sanah, I was actually thinking of how we're boyfriends but I lied to you because I'm a coward? Certainly, Sanah will dislike him for it.
But still, he can't lie to Sanah.
"I'm just... Thinking of our relationship I guess? Nothing solid enough to help with memories, sorry...!" So, he goes for the next best thing.
Sanah hums at him, a bit disappointed—only enough for someone who's known him for as long as Rimicha to even notice—, and they fall into silence, sometimes interrupted by Rimicha playing with his bento. Suddenly, he doesn't really have the appetite to eat it.
It goes on for a few more minutes before someone speaks up.
"Hey, Rimicha, how was our relationship like?" Sanah blurts out. "I've been thinking about it, but I can feel that we were really close when I think about you. It makes me warm inside."
It takes some time to process the sentences said, before Rimicha suddenly jumps up, barely careful enough to not drop his bento, and gets very close into Sanah's personal space, eyes sparkly and happy—Sanah doesn't know why, but this smile makes his heart squeeze with happiness. He hasn't seen Rimicha smile like this yet.
"You can remember something?!" He looks into Sanah's eyes, with his own so bright, even a bit expectantly, and it breaks Sanah's heart to answer him for some reason.
"Not really... I can't tell the memory that makes me feel this way, but I can tell that this feeling comes from long before?" He smiles sheepishly. "I didn't want to tell you at first, to not get your hopes up. Sorry, nahaha..."
Rimicha wilts at that, visibly shrinks into himself, becomes even smaller—if that's even possible. The sight hurts Sanah.
"But hey, it's still progress, isn't it!" He feels it in his blood, the need to cheer Rimicha up. Sanah doesn't understand the reason of this feeling, but seeing Rimicha unhappy because of him is too much to bear. "Maybe, if you tell me more about our relationship, I'll remember something."
Tell him? The idea, of course, is sound, Rimicha can't argue with that. If there's still some memory trapped in Sanah's chest, it's better to try and use it, but it's so embarrassing! It's simply impossible to explain in words without combusting.
"Our relationship, huh...." Rimicha looks down, thinking hard and playing with his lip as he does so. He should probably do that, he shouldn't lie to Sanah, not when he wants to know the truth! But it's so embarrassing...
"You don't need to tell me if you don't want to, of course!" Sanah smiles, even if his expression shows just a little bit of sadness. He's so kind, thinking of Rimicha even if it's the information he's absolutely entitled to know. It makes Rimicha feel bad.
"No, no, it's okay!" Sanah is considerate, but to a point where it's a bit too much. Rimicha has to tell him.
He takes his time to collect all his thoughts—and bravery, for it he needs in plenty—in a pile as nice as possible. Sanah was always there to reassure him and support him during moments like these, but that Sanah, his Sanah, is not here now. And if he wants his Sanah back, he has to do everything to help and restore his memories.
"...You helped me a lot." Is the first thing he says after the silence. Sanah is almost surprised at the sudden sentence, half expecting to not hear anything at all. "When we were in the knights academy together, you were the only one who approached me at all. I have a lot of stuff you gave me back there lying in my room."
Sanah looks at him, with these patient eyes that never fail to make Rimicha feel so happy and pressured at the same time. Of course, Sanah won't force him to continue, but this gives Rimicha the conviction to finish what he started.
"You cheered me up a lot when I was feeling down or unsure, and spoiled me a lot." He smiles, satisfied. It's nice to be spoiled by Romarriche or Hallritt, but nothing can compare to Sanah. "And also, you were the first who I told about becoming a knight! Not that there were many people to tell this to though, haha..."
Sanah hums at it, deep in thought, but this much is obvious. Being told so much about close relationship with someone who he couldn't remember few hours ago is bound to leave you deep in thoughts.
Rimicha shifts his fingers, not sure if he should reveal more. Maybe Sanah will remember soon and he won't need to tell everything? He knows Sanah will forgive him for not saying anything about their actual relationship.
"You're avoiding something." Sanah says though, in the tone so matter-of-factly that Rimicha all but jumps when he realises what's been said. "Did I do something bad and you don't wanna share?"
"That's not it! It's just..." He's furiously avoiding Sanah's gaze now, cheeks reddening with every passing second. "Embarrassing, I guess."
"Huh, what's there to be embarrassed about? It's just friendship stuff, right?" Sanah is as oblivious as ever, as oblivious as when they were still students and haven't started dating. It's adorable, but oh, this will bring Rimicha to his grave!
"It's..." He wants to tell this, really. He misses hugging Sanah, nuzzling in his warmth, being as close as it is probably humanly possible. He wants Sanah to know, desperately, but how does one even say it?
But still, it's Sanah. The same person who supported Rimicha every time he was scared or embarrassed, helped him through every situation humanly possible. Even if this Sanah doesn't remember any of this, it's still the same Sanah deep down. The same kind and understanding Sanah. Sanah that won't laugh, won't get weirded out.
So, he breathes in, gathering as much courage. "I... I lied to you a bit, Sanah. We weren't friends, we were... Boyfriends..."
The last word is a whisper, but Rimicha isn't sure he can manage anything louder. It's okay though, since Sanah's hearing is good.
For a few seconds, Rimicha is stuck in an overwhelmingly loud silence. He still refuses to lift his gaze and look at Sanah, so he has no idea of Sanah's reaction. His expression is probably cute, just like always, but it's not something Rimicha is bold enough to see right now.
"Oh." Sanah says, at last, and Rimicha is fully ready for the earth to swallow him—he'd be happy if it does, really. "It... Explains some things."
"Huh?!"
Sanah's voice is light-hearted, in a way that makes the smile adorning his face obvious. It takes Rimicha by surprise. Is this... The first reaction he has after hearing this fact?
"I didn't feel this way for anyone else you've shown me yet, and you keep trying your hardest to make me remember everything. I guess us being more than friends makes sense, because of this?"
Rimicha's head is spinning, he finally looks up at Sanah. "You're not mad?"
"For what should I be mad?"
"I lied to you when you trusted me..." He mumbles, and Rimicha's surprised Sanah can actually hear it.
"Ah, it's nothing! I get your reasoning, and I can see that it's been bothering you, so it's fine! I don't mind." Has he mentioned that Sanah is the sweetest person ever? If he hasn't, Rimicha is going to mention it now. Sanah really is the sweetest person ever. "It's a bit awkward, though. Sorry for forgetting something like this." He laughed.
"I-It's not your fault! It's that SEEDS that attacked you, y-you didn't do anything!" Rimicha exclaims, grabbing Sanah's hand, so big against his own.
"Thank you, Rimicha." Sanah squeezes the slender hands on his own, with a big bright smile.
The feeling of content washes over Rimicha. It really is the best feeling ever, sitting like this with Sanah, not needing to worry about anything in the world. Even if there's so many worries for him to stuff his head with, Rimicha can relax for now.
"You know though, I get myself." Sanah says suddenly. "I'm not surprised one bit that I liked someone as amazing as you."
"Y-you!" Rimicha's face gets even redder as he stutters. "It-it's...! Y-You don't need to say it like this!"
"Nahaha, it's true though! You're wonderful." Rimicha looks down, his eyes darting, it feels like his entire body is red and blushy. Sanah only laughs again and hugs him.
It's nice, being hugged like this. Rimicha loves this feeling like nothing else in the world, this warm embrace of his Sanah. Rimicha hugs back.
They sit in silence like this, but it's comfortable this time. Rimicha is just happy to cling close to his lover.
"Sorry for not remembering anything after all." Sanah says eventually, after who knows how much time has passed. Rimicha doesn't find it in himself to care.
"It's fine. We'll find a way to bring back your memories." I hope we can is left unsaid.
For now, just let them both enjoy the closure. There's no need to start worrying about the future just yet.