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It was already five in the afternoon when Zhou Anxin and his mother headed toward the new boarding school he would be attending from now on.
"Wow. This place is really big!" Zhou Anxin said in awe as their car pulled into the parking lot. The school looked like a castle, built entirely of stone and three stories high. There were moss and vines on the school’s exterior walls, trees surrounding the campus, and let's not forget the large fountain in front of the school shooting water high into the sky. The school, in a word, was… stunning.
"Are you ready, sweetie?" Zhou Anxin’s mother asked as she stepped out of the car, unloading some of Zhou Anxin’s bags. Zhou Anxin bit his lip in amazement as he got out and picked up most of his luggage so his mother wouldn't have to carry it.
Zhou Anxin was excited, but nervous as well. However, he knew that this was a fresh start and he didn't have to worry about the stares, the whispering, or the people he had to deal with at his previous school. This time, he had to stay on campus. It was an all-boys boarding school, which meant he had to live in a dorm. Zhou Anxin hadn't quite gotten over the fact that he would get a room to himself to do whatever he wanted without his mother around watching him like a hawk. Just thinking about it was refreshing.
"The principal said we should go to the main office on the first floor, and the bags will be taken to your room while he gives us a tour of the school," Zhou Anxin's mother informed him.
"Works for me. I just hope he gives me a map! Because I'm going to get lost," Zhou Anxin whined, while his mother laughed at his pouting face.
"I'm sure you will, and the rest of the students will help you out." Zhou Anxin smiled at his mother before looking toward the school's main gate, which looked like the gate to a literal palace! It was massive, made of wood, and had carved lion heads on the handles. Zhou Anxin smiled happily and stepped into the main hall of the school.
"Oh my goodness," Zhou Anxin's mother exclaimed in wonder as she looked around at the concrete floors, the chandelier, the red-carpeted staircases, and the door at the end of the hall. Anyone walking in here could tell immediately that the students were either extremely rich or smart enough to get a scholarship to study at this school. Zhou Anxin was one of the students attending on a scholarship. He had been top of his class in every school he had attended previously.
"Excuse me, can I help you?" a man asked as he approached Zhou Anxin and his mother. Zhou Anxin’s mother gave him a warm smile, and Zhou Anxin bowed politely.
"Zhou Anxin, my son, is new here, and we really love the school," his mother said with a giggle. The man looked at Zhou Anxin for a second before nodding to his mother.
"Ah yes, we were expecting you. I'm Jarvis. Pleased to meet you. Now, you can follow me and leave your bags here; I'll have another student take care of them," Jarvis said as he turned and began walking up the stairs. Zhou Anxin looked at his mother with a raised eyebrow and smiled. His mother held back a chuckle and smiled back as they followed Jarvis.
"Alright, here we are. The principal is behind these doors. No need to knock; he knows you're here. It was an honor meeting you," Jarvis said with a bow. Zhou Anxin and his mother bowed back with smiles on their faces.
"It was lovely meeting you too. Thank you for your hospitality," Zhou Anxin's mother said. The man nodded and walked away.
"He looked almost like… a butler," Zhou Anxin said with a slight frown. His mother shook her head and proceeded to open the door to meet the principal again.
"Oh, please come in," the man said upon seeing Zhou Anxin and his mother.
"I'm Zhou Anxin's mother, and this is Zhou Anxin," she said with a smile.
"It's nice to meet you both. You can call me Mr. Kim," the man said as Zhou Anxin and his mother took seats in front of the desk where he was sitting.
"Let me jump right in and explain a bit more about what the students do here and how everything works. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask," Mr. Kim began. "Now, as you can see, the campus is very large. We have a residential building, a student lounge building, a mathematics building, a science building, a fine arts building, a sports building, and we also have a dance building for those attending on a dance scholarship. As I heard, you are here for dance, so you'll be spending a lot of time in that building alongside your room. You'll have classes four days a week, starting from 8 AM to 4 PM. We provide breakfast, lunch, and dinner as well. We have various dining halls in the building for students to gather, as well as different cafés. I'll give you a schedule when we finish the tour and reach your dorm room. Any questions so far?" Mr. Kim asked.
"How many students attend this school?" Zhou Anxin asked curiously. Mr. Kim smiled.
"Seeing the massive size of the school, you'd think we have a huge number of students, right? Well, actually, we don't have more than 300 students at the moment. The standard of this school is very high, and most students who study here aren't up to par. Now, in your year, I'm afraid there aren't many students. You see, each grade only has one class. So you will never be in a class with first-years, second-years, juniors, and seniors mixed together. Your class has about 60 people." Zhou Anxin's eyes widened at the low numbers Mr. Kim mentioned. Zhou Anxin had assumed the school would be packed with students so he wouldn't be very noticeable. He was wrong; he would be noticed easily.
"How are the dorms set up?" his mother asked.
"Just like the classes, there are dorms for first-years, second-years, juniors, and seniors. I've primarily arranged the dorms on the second floor since there are fewer enrollments this year. However, I do not allow students to have single rooms." Zhou Anxin clenched his fist upon hearing that.
"Why not?" Zhou Anxin asked, keeping his expression calm.
"I believe students connect better this way; they can have someone to talk to or whatever. Parents are allowed to visit for fine arts exhibitions or when we host open days for them, and students are allowed to go home on holidays. It's important to me that students aren't lonely," Mr. Kim said. Zhou Anxin nodded with a smile. Damn it, he thought as he kept listening to Mr. Kim.
"Who will my roommate be?" Zhou Anxin asked, a bit of fear hidden behind his smile.
"You'll be sharing a room with Lee Sangwon. I've also arranged for him to be your partner in all your classes so he can help you out since you're new here. He's also here for dance, and I should point out that all his friends are here for dance too. So you'll share classes with all of them as well, and your rooms are right next to each other." Zhou Anxin was speechless. He would share all his classes with this Lee Sangwon guy, share a room with him… and his friends were all in the same classes… and their rooms were right next to theirs. Damn it, damn it, damn it. This is bad. They'll be around me so much… they'll notice that something is wrong with me, Zhou Anxin thought, while Mr. Kim continued talking without Zhou Anxin paying any attention to him.
I have to make sure no one notices. I'll try my best, Zhou Anxin thought as he heard Mr. Kim wrapping up his talk.
"Alright, how about that tour?" Zhou Anxin smiled and stood up, beaming with enthusiasm.
"Yes!" Zhou Anxin's mother and Mr. Kim laughed as they stepped out of the office.
"Classes are over for the day, so students usually head to their dorms, hang out near the dining areas, or relax in quiet spots," Mr. Kim explained as they walked down the hallway and down some stairs to head outside.
"What we just came out of was the main building. We are now heading to the math building. As you can see, it's shaped like a large ring with the dorms in the center so students can access their classes easily."
Zhou Anxin tried to pay attention to what Mr. Kim was saying, but he kept listening to his own thoughts instead. I'm dead for sure. I'm going to get caught and sent back to… that place. I am completely doomed.
Once they finished checking out the math, science, and fine arts buildings, they passed by two students as they continued their tour. Zhou Anxin didn't mind; he didn't want to meet anyone right now. Sure, he wanted to meet the students who would share his classes and dorm… but he was still nervous and scared to death.
"And this is the dance building. It's locked right now because classes are over. But every student here for dance has a key so they can practice after class hours," Mr. Kim explained as he pulled out a key and unlocked the door. Once inside, they looked around at various rooms; some were large enough to fit 30 people, while others were big enough for about 6 or 7. All of them had mirrors, and they all looked amazing. As soon as they stepped back outside, Mr. Kim locked the door and handed the key to Zhou Anxin.
"Don't lose it, okay? It's yours from now on." Zhou Anxin smiled as he held the key tightly, determined not to lose it. Dancing was the only thing he knew he was good at; it was something where he could lose himself… and forget about the world.
"Let's go to the building where students usually hang out. The students call it the lounge." Zhou Anxin nodded, starting to sweat slightly as they walked toward the lounge.
"Are you okay?" Zhou Anxin's mother whispered, and Zhou Anxin replied with a smile.
"I'm just feeling a little nervous, I'm fine," Zhou Anxin said, pulling at his long-sleeved shirt slightly as they walked into the building. It consisted of three floors. The first floor had lots of sofas, a large TV, a fireplace, and a gaming area. Zhou Anxin saw students talking, playing, eating, and watching TV. Mr. Kim motioned for them to follow him, and they went up to the second floor. There were various food stalls: American, Korean, Japanese, and the like. There were tables in the middle where some students were eating and talking. Some of them saw Zhou Anxin and whispered to the rest, causing them to look at him. As usual, Zhou Anxin swallowed hard and forced a smile to make himself look happy and friendly. The students smiled back and returned to what they were doing.
"Looks like you're a natural at making friends here," Mr. Kim said with a smile as they made their way to the stairs to go up to the third floor.
"Now, before we go up, I should let you know that not many students come up here—there's nothing here except cafés. However, the students who will be in your class usually hang out here and fool around a bit." Zhou Anxin cursed in his mind as they started walking up the stairs. He had to act natural and happy. Well, maybe more than usual.
"How many of them are there?" Zhou Anxin asked, and Mr. Kim smiled without answering as they made their way to the third floor. Right away, Zhou Anxin heard music playing. He smiled, recognizing it as "History" by the famous group EXO, a Korean group that Zhou Anxin really liked.
They kept walking, making their way through an area filled with couches and chairs to reach the back area, which had three cafés arranged in a ring in the middle, surrounding a large area with tables and chairs where about six or so students were dancing and laughing.
"Yaa! You did that whole part completely wrong!" one of them shouted loudly over the music.
"Really? I swear it's right!" another student yelled in frustration. Zhou Anxin, his mother, and Mr. Kim stood there enjoying the sight of the students bickering over which move was right and which was wrong. After a minute of arguing, one of them looked over, his eyes widening as he rushed to the iHome and turned off the music.
"Hey, what did you do that for?" they all shouted, but the student pointed at Zhou Anxin, making everyone turn their eyes toward him. Zhou Anxin froze and bit his lip. Alright… make a good impression and make sure to smile… Zhou Anxin thought, offering a faint smile.
"Everyone, this is Zhou Anxin. He's a new student and he'll be in your class," Mr. Kim announced as the students walked over to greet him. Zhou Anxin looked at everyone's faces, trying to figure out whether they were nice or not. One of them was very tall with blonde hair; he had a villainous face and looked hard to approach. The guy next to him had black hair and dark circles under his eyes, looking like he hadn't slept in a month, but he seemed nice enough. Next to him stood a guy with a smile on his face who looked very friendly, making Zhou Anxin smile a little inside as he realized at least one of them seemed nice. He hoped this was the guy he'd be sharing a room with. Next to him stood a boy who looked almost like a fluffball… but he had a huge smile on his face, and his arm was wrapped around the friendly-looking boy. A-Are they… that thing? Zhou Anxin thought, but he dismissed the idea, knowing that in a prestigious school like this, being gay was definitely not allowed. Next to the fluffball was a boy staring directly at Zhou Anxin, trying to catch his eye. Zhou Anxin's eyes widened slightly when he looked at him, and he dropped his gaze downward. The look on that boy's face was… blank. He looked cold and completely expressionless, which worried him. Please don't be my roommate! Zhou Anxin prayed as Mr. Kim began speaking again.
"Why don't you introduce yourself?" Mr. Kim asked Zhou Anxin, who nodded with a smile, looking back at the five boys standing in front of him.
"Hello! My name is Zhou Anxin, and I'm a junior," Zhou Anxin said with a bow.
"And you boys?" Mr. Kim said, and the tall blonde guy nodded.
"I'm Kim Geonwoo. Nice to meet you," Kim Geonwoo said as he bowed and looked at Zhou Anxin with a neutral face, showing no sign of the pleasure he spoke of. Zhou Anxin nodded and looked at the boy next to him.
"I'm He Xinlong. Nice to meet you," He Xinlong said, bowing with a small smile, making Zhou Anxin nod and smile in return.
"Hello! I'm Lee Leo. It's very nice to meet you," Lee Leo said, and Zhou Anxin smiled while bowing. Damn it… that means my roommate is going to be one of the remaining two… Please be the big fluffball, Zhou Anxin thought as he looked at him.
"Pleased to meet you! I'm Chung Sanghyeon," he said, bowing, and Zhou Anxin smiled back, biting his lip nervously as he looked at his roommate… Lee Sangwon.
"I'm Lee Sangwon," he said, bowing slightly while staring at him, making Zhou Anxin blink in response.
"Alright, we should continue our tour. Oh, by the way, Lee Sangwon—you'll be sharing a room with Zhou Anxin from now on." The room suddenly went quiet, and Zhou Anxin could swear the temperature dropped ten degrees. Lee Sangwon's eyes widened, and he looked at Mr. Kim.
"Me? Why can't someone else—"
"Lee Sangwon. You're the only one without a roommate, and Zhou Anxin's things are already there. End of discussion." Zhou Anxin looked at everyone and saw them staring at Lee Sangwon with forced, anxious smiles on their faces. Lee Sangwon took a deep breath and glared at Zhou Anxin, making him shrink back slightly before Lee Sangwon turned and walked away.
"Aish, that boy. Alright! Let's go," Mr. Kim said as he turned to leave. Zhou Anxin followed him, glancing back at Lee Sangwon before looking toward the others.
"Don't worry, he just needs a little time to show his good side," Lee Leo said with a small smile, making Zhou Anxin smile back before turning to catch up with his mother and Mr. Kim.
"Why was that boy like that?" Zhou Anxin's mother asked, a hint of anger in her voice.
"He's like that toward almost everyone. The only times I see him smile are when he's with his friends. Don't worry, Zhou Anxin, you'll become friends in no time," Mr. Kim said with a reassuring smile. Zhou Anxin nodded. Yeah, right… He looked like he wanted to kill me… Though I don't blame him.
A few minutes later, they headed to the dorm, went up to the third floor, and walked down the west wing.
"Alright, this is your room. I've placed all the information you need on your bed, along with the map. I'll leave you to settle in now, and in the morning, I'll make sure you get to your first class. It was an honor meeting you and your mother. I hope your time here is productive as well as enjoyable," Mr. Kim said, taking his leave and leaving Zhou Anxin and his mother alone.
A second or two later, Zhou Anxin opened the door and stood there in awe.
As they stepped inside the room, there was a floor-to-ceiling window straight ahead. To the right of the window was a tall wardrobe designed for two people. To the left of the window, in the middle of the room, was a wooden bunk bed with a ladder to climb to the top bunk. Next to the bed was a nightstand with an alarm clock and a lamp. On the left wall were two doors: one was a closet, and the other was a bathroom big enough for a family of four. It had a shower with a glass door, a huge bathtub next to the shower, and a sink with a medicine cabinet mirror that could be opened.
The room was absolutely incredible!
"Looks like you've already prepared yourself to move in," Zhou Anxin's mother said as she looked at her son.
"I'm going to miss you," Zhou Anxin said, looking away.
"No, you won't, but thanks for trying," his mother laughed and nodded.
"Are you sure about this? You can still—"
"Mom… I thought you were okay with me doing this," Zhou Anxin said, his smile slowly fading. His mother gave him a sad smile and shook her head slightly.
"I am okay with it… I'm just worried." Zhou Anxin frowned.
"Mom… it's been a year already. I'm fine."
"I know, but I still worry. Can't I?" Zhou Anxin shook his head and offered his mother a small smile.
"No… you can't. I'm fine, I promise you. Everything that happened is in the past. I'm better now than ever before. Just please… trust me," Zhou Anxin said. His mother smiled and hugged him, a tear escaping and rolling down her cheek.
"Alright, alright, I trust you. I hope everything goes well here. And if that boy Lee Sangwon gets you into any trouble, tell Mr. Kim, okay?" Zhou Anxin stared at her for a moment.
"Mom! I'm fine, okay?!" His mother chuckled and let go of him.
"Work hard and have some fun, alright?" Zhou Anxin nodded.
"I will. I love you."
"I love you too." With that, Zhou Anxin's mother left, leaving him alone in the room. As soon as the door closed, a wide smile spread across Zhou Anxin's face. I'm sorry. Things will be better this way, Zhou Anxin thought as he looked around the room, contemplating where to put his belongings. He sighed and decided to unpack his clothes first.
Fortunately, he found that Lee Sangwon had only taken up the space he needed, leaving Zhou Anxin all the room he required to put away his clothes, belongings, and books on the extra desk by the door. He smiled slightly when he realized he'd be sleeping on the top bunk. More privacy, Zhou Anxin thought as he grabbed his backpack and headed up to his bed. He opened his bag, pulled out his journal, and tucked it under his pillow. Once finished, he took out a small black pouch and hopped off his bed toward the bathroom. He closed the door and searched all over the bathroom, trying to find a good hiding spot.
"Come on! There has to be a place for this," Zhou Anxin said aloud in frustration as he sat on the clean floor against the bathtub. He sighed, looking under the sink, and that's when he saw what he was looking for. He smiled faintly and lay on his stomach to see under the sink; there was a small nook that practically begged him to hide his small black pouch inside. He smiled as he placed the small pouch there and stood up, checking to see if Lee Sangwon would be able to spot it. No one would be able to see it unless they were, for some reason, lying flat on the floor looking under the sink. It was perfect.
After finishing, Zhou Anxin stepped back into the room, turning off the bathroom light behind him, then hopped back onto his bed, placing his backpack beside his pillow. He began scanning the room, trying to figure out what to do next.
"I can't go to the lounge… and I don't want to go outside…" Zhou Anxin realized with a frown.
The other thing he realized was that his stomach rumbled with hunger. Zhou Anxin frowned and looked down at his stomach.
"I guess I'll go dance," he said, picking up his iPod and the key. He changed out of his skinny jeans—which were loose on him—into comfortable pants before leaving the room. As he walked out, his stomach continued to make noises, but he ignored it. He couldn't eat. He had been doing fine all day, and his efforts would go to waste if he ate anything now. He had to stay thin; if he ate, he would have to do the thing he hated most. Stop it. I haven't eaten anything… I'm fine.
—No, you're not. You're still fat, you damn liar.
Zhou Anxin clenched his hands as he put in his earphones and turned on the music, trying to ignore the voice.
—As if you can get rid of me. I'm just here to tell you what you don't want to think about. I'm helping you.
I know, but I want to be left alone… Leave me alone.
—Whatever, just make sure to burn off the calories you ate yesterday.
I will, don't worry about it.
Zhou Anxin frowned as he headed outside. He knew he shouldn't have eaten yesterday, but he had no choice if he wanted to give his mother a reason to believe he was doing better… He had to.
Zhou Anxin walked until he reached the dance building, and shortly after, he arrived at the room designed for six or so people. He plugged his iPod into the iHome and began stretching, trying hard not to look in the mirror. He couldn't stand looking at himself; every time he looked in the mirror, he saw someone else. Someone who was a liar, sick, annoying, a loser, and fat.
He shook his head slightly and played a song as he began dancing. He had a playlist packed with dance tracks—about 20 songs—and he was determined to finish all of them before heading back to the dorm. Maybe by then, he'd return to find that Lee Sangwon had already gone to bed. It was around 7 PM, and the sky was starting to get dark. Lee Sangwon probably wouldn't go to bed early, but he still hoped so.
Zhou Anxin was gasping for air, sweat pouring off him by the end of his playlist. He had danced for a full hour; he was exhausted and could already feel the ache in his muscles from all the dancing he did to burn off the calories he'd consumed the day before. Zhou Anxin collapsed onto the floor, taking deep breaths, trying to clear his vision of the black spots floating before his eyes. Come on… I need to pull myself together! I can't let anyone find out about this, it's way too early for that, Zhou Anxin thought as he slowly stood up, gathered his things, and left the building, locking it before making his way back to the dorm. It was dark outside, but luckily there was lighting along the pathway.
Zhou Anxin let out a sigh of relief when he saw the dorm building. He was almost there, close to the bed that was waiting for him. He opened the door slowly, just in case Lee Sangwon had returned and fallen asleep. But when he walked in, Lee Sangwon was up on his bed, messing around on his laptop. Zhou Anxin bit his lip, walked in, and closed the door behind him.
"We have a curfew… you know," Lee Sangwon spoke up. Zhou Anxin narrowed his eyes, trying to remember when Mr. Kim had mentioned that… then remembered he had been lost in thought while Mr. Kim was speaking.
"W-W-We do?" Zhou Anxin asked in a quiet voice. Lee Sangwon sighed in annoyance and glared at Zhou Anxin with disdain, making Zhou Anxin flinch slightly.
"It's at 9 PM." Zhou Anxin nodded with a smile, trying to be as nice as possible, though he still felt embarrassed and intimidated by Lee Sangwon.
"Oh. Okay, thanks. I'm going to take a shower," Zhou Anxin said, grabbing his clothes and making his way to the bathroom. Lee Sangwon showed no reaction as Zhou Anxin closed the bathroom door and slumped onto the floor behind it. I can't keep a smile around him. He's… so cold, and it scares me a little. He almost looked like… No! Stop! That's all over now.
—Over, my ass! Nothing is over! Look at yourself!
Shut up, I know.
Zhou Anxin took a shaky breath as he stood up, grabbed the hanging towel, and quickly undressed, trying to avoid looking at the mirror. Once undressed, he stepped into the shower and turned it on as hot as he could handle. He washed quickly to make sure he didn't annoy Lee Sangwon, put on his pajama pants and long-sleeved shirt—all without looking in the mirror—brushed his teeth, put his dirty clothes into the laundry basket he had brought, and hurried out of the bathroom. But he froze when he saw Lee Sangwon wearing only boxers, on his way to bed. Lee Sangwon stopped for a moment and glared at Zhou Anxin with irritation.
"Hey! What's your problem?" Zhou Anxin shook his head and offered a faint smile.
"N-Nothing. J-Just tired," Zhou Anxin stammered. Lee Sangwon shook his head in annoyance, continued to his bed, and turned off the lights, plunging the room into complete darkness. Zhou Anxin sighed and slowly made his way toward the bed, trying not to bump into anything. He should've kept the light on until I reached my bed, Zhou Anxin thought just as his toe slammed into the edge of the bed frame.
"Damn it!" Zhou Anxin cried out, grabbing onto something to keep from falling. He bit his lip, waiting for the pain to pass—which was taking forever. He heard a sigh, and then the lights flickered on. Zhou Anxin stared at Lee Sangwon in shock. Lee Sangwon gave him a look that said, "Hurry up and move your ass." Zhou Anxin quickly scrambled up the ladder and lay on his bed before the lights went out again.
"T-Thank you," Zhou Anxin said to Lee Sangwon, but Lee Sangwon ignored him and didn't reply. So Zhou Anxin laid his head on the pillow and sighed, tucking himself beneath the blankets to shield himself from the cold.
As he tried to drift off to sleep, Zhou Anxin thought about all the people he had met who would be in his classes the next day. He was happy that he'd be able to make new friends, but he was nervous as well. Making more friends meant the chances of getting caught would increase. He knew that as he met new people, his past would keep resurfacing. Of course, parts of his past stayed with him, and he was okay with that… but what he feared were the other things. The pain he caused, the pain he went through, the humiliation, the shame, the fear, the hatred… they were all things he didn't want to remember.
He didn't want anyone to find out… His mother knowing was already more than enough.
No… no one would ever know. He would make sure his act was flawless. He would pretend to be happy and whatever else it took to make it look like he was fine. No one needed to know; after all, it was… his life.
But now he had a roommate, and things had gotten much more complicated. Lee Sangwon, please try not to notice too much, Zhou Anxin thought as he drifted off to sleep.
Lee Sangwon, on the other hand, was still awake, staring up at the bed above him. It wasn't that he hated Zhou Anxin. No, it was actually the opposite. He liked Zhou Anxin; he seemed sweet and friendly… but he had noticed that there was something strange about the way he acted. That made Lee Sangwon hesitant to become friends with him. He wasn't much of a talker anyway, but for some reason… Lee Sangwon wanted to know more about Zhou Anxin.
The only problem was that he had to get Zhou Anxin to like him after leaving such a bad first impression. Though it wasn't entirely his fault; he'd never been good at meeting people. His face naturally looked cold, and his smile only ever came out when he was around his friends.
Give me another chance, Zhou Anxin… I don't know what this is… but you've got me tangled up in something endless.