Chapter Text
Half-lidded, Jungsu scans his surroundings. All he can make out of what’s in front of him is a silhouette of a man. He knows the person to be one of his members – only unsure of exactly who it is. They sit together on the floor, with their knees barely brushing against one another. It’s been exactly ten shots since Jungsu was sober. It’s been some time since he’s really had a good amount of alcohol, so his tolerance isn’t quite up to match with the other people he’s been drinking with.
The room is dark, but he can see the light reflecting in the eyes on the one looking at him. He’s staring, he realizes. The thought make his insides burn a little more. Jungsu wants, though he’s unsure what.
“Are you sure about this?” the one sitting in front of him says with a hint of concern in his voice. “You’ll remember this, right?”
Jungsu hums as a response, agreeing to what was being asked of him. As of this moment, Jungsu knows what he’s being asked for. After four of their other peers have left the room one by one, giving up on the drinking they’ve been doing, a drunk Jungsu blurts out a proposal to the last one left. Let’s kiss. The memory of his own voice rings in his head.
“Jungsu, I need you to say either ‘yes’ or ‘no’”, the other says, insisting on a grounded answer. As if a simple nod or a hum doesn’t suffice to show how serious it is to him.
Jungsu straightens his posture, attempting to mask the severity of his drunkenness. Something hanging from the bed he’s leaning on sinks in his back, but he’s too numb to care. He clears his throat. He wants. He’s never been so sure in his life.
“Yes”, he murmurs, as steady as he can.
“… And you’ll remember?”
Jungsu take half a breath to process the words.
“Yes.”
“Swear you will.”
The voice makes him smile, his eyes still closed. Why does he sound so serious? Cute.
“I swear I’ll remember.”
Seeming to be content with his answers, the person in front of him begins to move closer, planting his right palm down by Jungsu’s waist. Jungsu stays still, waiting for the other to come to him. Letting him do all the work. He’s afraid that if he moves, his body would betray him and he wouldn’t have what he wants. The other pauses and gulps. Every time his partner moves closer, he falters. Jungsu pays no attention to to the awkward signs. In his state, he may or may not be able to see the hesitance – but he does not care. All his mind is set on, at the moment, is getting his untouched lips in action.
With their faces now leveled only inches apart, Jungsu fully shuts his eyes and braces for a kiss. The other freezes. His breaths crash on Jungsu, each one annoying him more and more. Why isn’t he moving?
After a couple seconds of expectation, he receives nothing. Jungsu takes one last heavy breath; it’s hot and almost have the taste of the other. It makes his stomach turn, how much he wants it. He opens his eyes and furrows his eyebrows. In his blurry vision, two sparks rip the dark right in front of him.
Oh, he is staring again.
Jungsu lets his head rest against the bed frame. Like a spoiled cat demanding for a treat, he groans impatiently.
“Hurry”, Jungsu pouts and closes his eyes once again.
“Hyungie, you’re being needy”, says the other.
His playful tone almost makes Jungsu smile again, but he’s too impatient. And drunk. His mind wanders, he attempts to recall the exact moment he wanted this kiss. Why he even asked for this? Was it boredom? Curiosity? A simple bold move caused by the liquor? Trying to figure out his drunk self, he opens his eyes to take a good look at the person in front of him. He can’t see shit in the dark, yet he continues to study the face, fighting back his eyes to take one good peek at the face before him. The moment his eyes manage to focus for a second, his heart begins to race.
Ah, that’s why.
Certain now of why he wanted a kiss, he closes his eyes again. He juts out his pouting lips for a second, signaling his partner to pick up the pace.
The wind of a chuckle lands on his mouth, and Jungsu whines. He raises his hands in a weak attempt to pull the other closer, but doesn’t manage to raise them enough and just settles them on the waist of the man instead. His hands fall back helplessly, down to where the sweatshirt meets the jeans.
“Ya”, he says, tapping the fabric weakly. “Come on already–”
A soft pair of lips interrupts him. The warm taste of alcohol floods his tongue, and Jungsu melts into it immediately. A low sound escapes from his mouth. He pulls away for a second, trying to not drown in the sensation. The smell surrounding him is painfully familiar. It feels right. Jungsu sinks again, trying to cover more with his mouth. Yes, that’s why he wanted it so much. He wants, still. He wants even more.
The fire in his guts doesn’t seem to decrease, not when a gentle, calloused hand cups the left side of his cheek. It makes his skin shudders. The warmth of the hand glides from his cheek to the back of his neck. A gentle tug on his hair makes him gasp.
He kisses harder. Slightly, but still demanding, his partner pushes them closer to deepen the kiss. A sharp pair of teeth bites onto his bottom lips, causing him to wince a little. The pain barely register in his brain, but it is driving Jungsu even crazier. He manages to grip the clothes enough to bring the other on his lap, so his warmth surround him whole.
He could stay like that forever, his lazy, drunk mind thinks. Just like that. Really, he didn’t had the strength to move at all…
Unfortunately, Jiseok was sober. Sober enough to be aware of what he’s doing. Enough to feel embarrassed and ashamed of what he’s done. Sober enough that it is impossible he will forget a single detail in the morning.
“Shit”, Jiseok mutters to himself as he leaves Jungsu’s room.
Behind it, Jungsu is safely tucked into his bed, soundly asleep. After he fell on him, snoring, during their make-out session, Jiseok couldn’t have left him on the floor. Though he was confused beyond reason by the events, he still managed to lift his tall bandmate just enough to lay him on the mattress. Jungsu seemed so peaceful in the low light – Jiseok couldn’t help but stare at him a little more. It was unfair to be this pretty.
“Shit”, he says again to the closed door. He rests his back on it with his hand on his chest. The beating of his hearth overpowers all his senses; Jiseok feels like he is about to explode into a million pieces. He gulps down hard and tries to compose himself.
I just kissed Jungsu– No, I just made out with Jungsu hyung…
The thought is so loud it make him hold his head in both hands. He knocks it against the door in frustration.
Are you stupid ?! Why can’t you control yourself, Kwak Jiseok?
He straightens up away from the door and looks back at it. His mind is filled with turmoil. He just kissed Jungsu. His own coworker, his own – mind you, drunk friend. And he, completely sober at that.
For a while, Jiseok had always thought he was a straight man. That was up until recently when his very best friend of four years Kim Jungsu came out to him five months ago. Somehow, Jiseok had never seen this coming.
Jiseok has always been a good honest guy who’s entire goal is to be a great support system to all his friends, so naturally Jiseok acted accordingly and thanked Jungsu for trusting him enough to come out to him.
Jiseok was never really exposed to any queer people in his close circle of friends, so as of now, he only knew to do two things: Unconditional support. Don’t pry any further. Jiseok kept his mouth quiet and never asked Jungsu about anything regarding his sexuality. Though, that left his heteronormative mind with an uncomfortable amount of questions. Questions such as: Did he tell me just to let me know or does he…like me?
That question kept Jiseok’s mind racing at night for weeks straight. Why can’t he suddenly stop thinking about it? And why does a little bit of himself wish it was the case? Jiseok had beaten himself up in his mind with these thoughts. He frustrated himself with the ever so slight excitement in his heart that he gets when he thinks about the tiny possibility that Jungsu liked him.
He’s a smart guy. He was very well aware of the problematic reaction his mind was leading to just because Jungsu came out to him as gay. The classic stereotype of “My friend is gay so he must like me too”. Jiseok kept all of this in mind and tried to clear himself of such ways of thinking. But of course, his pathetic self can not get over it.
Unfortunately, his heart continued to beat a little bit faster when Jungsu slipped into his thoughts. His laughter became a bit overdramatic with Jungsu’s unfunny quips, ears redder when Jungsu gets a bit too close. Most annoying of all, a little bit too depressed when his Jungsu gives attention to anyone else other than him.
For months after, Jiseok was restless. He was constantly agitated at every waking moment of his life because his mind ran endlessly. His every day mood was now determined solely on every interaction with Jungsu. He confused himself even further, but had zero courage to explore these thoughts.
That was—until tonight. It’s a free day tomorrow and it’s been a while since the boys had a night where they don’t have to worry about the next day. The six of them drank it out in Jungsu’s room and before Jiseok even realized, the other four were already outside and the two of them were left alone. And to his surprise, his hyung gave him an opportunity to explore those said thoughts.
Jiseok takes one final deep breath before deciding to walk back to his room. He approaches a knocked out Goo Gunil and Oh Seungmin in their living room and gives them a small nudge, checking if they were really asleep. He reckons Hyeongjun is in Jooyeon’s bedroom. After no response, Jiseok walks straight into his own room.
He lets himself collapse straight into his bed and covers his eyes with his arm. He lets out a long groan, still feeling frustrated with himself. He removes his arm from his eyes and stares at his ceiling.
He recalls the conversation he had with Jungsu. He wishes so badly for Jungsu to wake up tomorrow and remember everything that had happened, but at the same time he is so deeply afraid of it. A little voice in his head thinks of the possibility of Jungsu waking up with zero recollection of tonight and Jiseok getting away with it. But he knows that doesn’t align with his morality. Jungsu needs to remember.
Jiseok closes his eyes.
After what felt like forever, light filters through his eyelids. He did not sleep for a single second.
Jungsu was knocked out cold.
He woke up abruptly from a slight commotion happening outside his bedroom. Jungsu’s entire body feels heavy on him. His throat was painfully dry while his stomach was churning. Every twist and turn makes his head spin with nausea. His eyelids feel glued shut as he tries to pry them apart. Light pierces through him, his pulse throbbing in his temples.
“Ughhh…” Jungsu groans as he opens his eyes and pushes his body up. He wipes his eyes clear and holds his sick stomach. For a moment he sits there, blank minded. He scratches his head as he starts to recollect what happened yesterday.
The others came over. We ordered food. They brought drinks—ugh. And then… and then… and then…
Realization hits him.
“And you’ll remember?”
“Yes.”
“Swear you will.”
“I’ll swear I’ll remember.”
Memories of last night rush into his head, leaving Jungsu’s mouth agape. He certainly does remember what happened last night. Every single part of it. But just his luck, he forgets the most important detail of it all: who it was.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Who was it? You idiot, who did you kiss?
Fuck… What do I do? They’re probably all out there now…
I can’t face anyone.
I don’t even know which one of them I was kissing.
Are you insane??????!!!!!!
Jungsu’s mind was in a state of panic. He tries to think of every encounter he had with any of them before that night that might have led up to the kiss but—nothing. Yes Jungsu was indeed gay, but he knows he wouldn’t just go for his close friends like that. So why did he?
Think. Think. What do I remember? Could it be Gunil? I don’t remember him calling me hyung, so it has to be him—wait no he did call me hyung. Did he? Ah…I don’t know anymore.
But wait… The one who kissed me wanted me to remember. Fuck it. I’ll just go outside.
Jungsu slowly gets up from his bed, still hesitating as his shame and embarrassment creep up on every part of his body. Feeling hot all over, his ears were turning into a shade of flushed pink.
He opens his door and follows the clatter of noise. Slowly, he reaches the living room with all five of his members present. Gunil was in the kitchen cooking. Jooyeon and Hyeongjun sitting on the couch on their phones. Jiseok and Seungmin sitting at the dinner table talking to Gunil as he cooked.
At Jungsu’s arrival, a couple heads moved his way.
“Hyung, you're up,” Seungmin says. He pulls out the empty chair next to him and signals Jungsu to sit down.
Jungsu analyzes each face. He searches for any difference in their reaction. Everyone seems…normal?
Jungsu hesitates as he sits down next to them.
“I’m just frying some eggs. There's soup and rice ready.” Gunil says as he cracks an egg into the pan.
Jungsu gulps down. He doesn't say anything. He looks around once again and after he sees no indifference in their faces, he lets out a deep breath.
Maybe that person was also drunk and forgot.
“Hyung, are you feeling okay?” Seungmin says, concerned in his eyes. He reaches for a cup and pours Jungsu some water before sliding it over in front of him.
“Hangover?” he asks. Seungmin continues to study Jungsu’s face and posture. Somehow, this act makes Jungsu’s stomach turn.
Could it be…? No… I don’t know yet.
“Yeah, but I’m fine. I think.” Jungsu takes the cup in his hand and gulps the water down at once.
Seungmin nods and turns back to Jiseok, continuing their conversation from earlier. Jungsu pays no attention to it. His nauseating feeling is too overpowering and all he wants right now is to stay in bed and rot.
Gunil finally sets down the food and calls over the other two on the couch to come eat. Jungsu, without saying much, uses this breakfast time to see further if anyone else acts differently around him. As if the horrible hangover he was experiencing wasn’t enough, no one was giving Jungsu any signs of being his mysterious kisser. Why the hell is he here panicking about trying to remember who he kissed, but everyone gets to talk to each other and act normal?! This left Jungsu agitated. He needed to tell someone. He needed help.
Jiseok had been keeping an eye on Jungsu since they had woken up. All day, Jiseok was expecting Jungsu to pull him to the side or hint at him about their previous encounter, but Jiseok received nothing.
Maybe he did forget. He seems normal. Definitely hungover, but normal. I should tell him…
Even if Jungsu did forget about that whole night, Jiseok knew he wasn’t the type to let himself get away with it. He knew it was only right for Jungsu to know what happened.
After breakfast was over, Jiseok waited for the other three to go back to their own home so he could use that time to finally speak to Jungsu. Although, Jungsu waited no time to lock himself back into his room before they even left.
He must be feeling really sick from last night…
For a couple hours, Jiseok waited in the living room until he would see Jungsu finally walk out from his bedroom. He didn’t want to intrude Jungsu while he was still feeling ill. But as of now, it was already dark out and he has still yet to see Jungsu.
I should go check on him.
After finally mustering up the courage, Jiseok walks in front of Jungsu’s room and knocks at his door gently. To his surprise, it doesn’t take too long for the knob to shake. The door opens and Jungsu on the other side tilts his head at him.
“What’s up?” Jungsu asks.
“I was just checking if you were fine. You haven’t left the room at all. Jooyeon ordered food, want some?”
Jungsu doesn’t answer him, but instead he looks down and lets out a deep breath. He bites the corner of his lips, contemplating something. After a couple seconds his head shoots back as he reaches for Jiseok’s shoulder, pulling him inside the room.
“Hyung wh-”
Jungsu quickly shuts the door behind him. Jiseok looks up in an attempt to read the other face, only to realize he’s way to close. He stumbles back as his stomach travels to his feet. His ears burn, and he can only hope his hair is covering them enough for his dignity. God, he is hopeless. It has gotten worse now, hasn’t it?
Jungsu doesn’t seem aware of his state, and he doesn’t really look at him either. Only when Jungsu sits down on his bed Jiseok realizes he has no intentions of kissing him senseless against the door. He’s such a fool. Jungsu pats down the space next to him on the edge of the bed, and Jiseok hesitates before walking over.
Is this it? Does he remember? Are we finally talking now...?
His heart pounds, but he doesn’t know if it’s in fear or anticipation.
“Jiseokie. I have an issue. I’m telling you this because I need help.”
This sobers Jiseok immediately. He stops fidgeting, concerned.
“What? Help you with what.” Wait. “Where you not going to tell me about-”
“Promise me you won’t tell anyone.”, cuts him Jungsu.
He looks him dead in the eyes, and here it is again. Jiseoks mind goes blank, all the annoying thoughts that are usually circling in his head vanishing. He just stupidly stares, at the cat-like eyes, at the straight eyelashes, at the brown pupils changing color in the sunlight. All he can think about is Jungsu. Though, normally he thinks about Jungsu too, more than he’ll ever admit, but usually it’s just one of the many background ideas spiraling at the back of his brain. The pause stretch for a breath too long, and he forces himself to snap back to reality. He needs your help, he remembers. Stop being a weirdo. Jiseok nods slowly, agreeing to his request. He is too confused to trust himself to speak.
“Listen. Last night I may have gone way, way too much to drink. Gotten way too bold.” He cracks his hands, his eyes blinking rapidly. “I- I kissed someone, okay? I kissed someone. One of you guys. I don’t know who.”
What?
Jiseok stays speechless, the words refusing to make sense in his ears. So Jungsu does remember the kiss. Just not that it was with him. Somehow, the realization stings him deeper than he’d thought. Jiseok was already planning on telling Jungsu if he had forgotten about last night, but this confession confuses him. As if he wasn’t confused enough already.
“Why tell me? How would I help you?” Jiseok asks, and tries not to sound to offended.
What, does Jungsu think he has kissed Jooyeon? Why else would he be asking for his help specifically? Was he just the best friend of the crush here? Wait, does Jungsu have a crush at Jooyeon? The idea sound as an odd note in an accord to Jiseok. He doesn’t like it, yet he can’t allow himself to be jealous. He has no goddamn right to be jealous.
“I trust you the most. You’ll help me figure out who it is, right?” Jungsu seems a bit panicked in his words. His entire body points towards Jiseok, almost pleading with him.
Is that true? Does he really trust him most? Even more than Gunil? That is… Unexpected. Jiseoks softens. He doesn’t have the time to think about it right now, so he folds the information somewhere in the corner of his mind to contemplate it later.
But before he can recollect his scattered thoughts, a new one emerges.
“… And that means you’re sure it’s not me?” Jiseok asks, tight in his voice.
Jungsu pauses for a moment and looks at him. There is this expression on his face, one that Jiseok has never seen before. He can’t understand what it means, as if he’s staring at a wall instead of a person. Jungsu is usually very good at masking his emotions. But usually, Jiseok is also very good at reading all his little acts. It bugs him to not know what’s going on on Jungsu’s mind when he asks:
“Well… Was it you?”
They look at each other for another moment. Jungsu almost doesn’t blink, and clearly he tries to see something in Jiseok. But Jiseok doesn’t know what is he searching for, nor what he’s supposed to respond. He just get lost again in the eyes of the prettiest man he’s ever seen. You know, like the fool he is.
“No. It wasn’t.”, Jiseok lies.
Apparently, he’s also a coward.
“Exactly”, cuts Jungsu and tilt his head a little to prove his point.
“Exactly?”
Jungsu breaks eye contact.
“Well, I just didn’t think it would be you.”
“How come?” asks Jiseok, and he tries so hard not to sound desperate.
Jungsu looks at him again, this time almost amused.
“Okay, so was it you?”
Yes, so why don’t you think so?!
“No”, he lies again, too heavy in his chest to say otherwise. He feels like crying a little. He probably would, once he’s alone in his room.
“Exactly, so quit asking.”
Jungsu is already speaking with his bossy tone, the one he uses to settle arguments between members. This voice demands short, clear answers, and leaves no room for any feelings that may have been crushed in Jiseok’s chest. He’s hurt that Jungsu doesn’t think it was Jiseok at all, and embarrassed that he ever thought the kiss meant anything between them. He discards his plan of telling him the truth and mentally kicks himself. Why on earth did Jiseok keep fueling this delusion for so long?!
Although it is painful, this gave Jiseok the confirmation that he needed. Jungsu doesn’t think Jiseok kissed him, because he did not even think to kiss him in the first place. He isn’t someone kissable. He should have known that.
“Hyung. Do you regret it?”
Jungsu pauses, and looks at him as if he’s never seen him before. His lips part on a breath before he responds:
“Yes.”
His gaze is drilling holes in Jiseok and there is some determination in his voice, one that do not let any room for doubts. Jiseok shrinks on himself a little et avert his eyes.
“Okay.”
They don’t say anything because Jungsu is scrutinizing him again.
“So, are you going to help me or not?” Jungsu’s voice has softened.
A tightness coils in Jiseok’s stomach. He swallow the lump in his throat and tries to keep some semblance of countenance. If he can’t save his heart, at least he have to save his face. Later. Later, he’ll cry. For now, he plaster a smile on his lips and tries to keep being the funny, supportive friend.
“Yeah, obviously. So, what is the plan?”