Chapter Text
"Grief doesn't always start with tears. Sometimes it starts with the silence we let in when we don't know what to say anymore".
The sky was gray.
It wasn't a storm; it was one of those days when the clouds seemed to have simply decided to sit over the village.. No one, not even the wind, dared to break the silence that reigned in the cementery.
Shikamaru stood in front of the newly placed tombstone, unable to take his eyes off the name.
Sarutobi Asuma.
The letters looked wrong, as if someone had made a very stupid mistake.
As if at any moment Asuma was going to appear behind him, with a lit cigarette between his lips and that usual smile.
"Why are you so serious, Shikamaru?"
He closed his eyes and nothing happened. Only the sound of leaves, the smell of the excavated soil.
Just, emptiness.
There were more people there. Kurenai was a few meters behind, Ino was crying silently, Choji had his head down.
No one spoke.
Actually, it wasn't necessary, the words were too small to fill a gap like that.
Shikamaru felt something warm slide down his cheek. He couldn't even remember when he had started crying.
What a drag.
He always thought that when the time to lose someone important came, he would be able to keep a cool head. After all, ninjas died, it was part of the job, logical and inevitable.
So... Why did it hurt so much?
"Shikamaru" he heard his father say from behinf.
He didn't turn around, he didn't respond.
Shikaku stood by his side for a long time before speaking again.
"You don't have to carry all of this alone" he said.
There was silence for a moment and then he answered.
"I was the one who made the plan" Shikamaru's voice sounded empty."I directed them, if I had thought faster...
"No" Shikaku interrupted him "Don't say that again."
Shikamaru grimaced.
"But it's true" he said.
"No" this time his father looked directly at him "The only person responsible is the one who raised his hand to kill."
Hidan.
Kakuzu.
Akatsuki.
The names fluttered in his head like insects.
Shikaku sighed.
"You´re going to look for a reason for this. Everyone does, it's human... But be careful with what you decide to turn into that reason."
Shikamaru didn't answer, but he knew he had already started to do so.
Naruto was running.
He'd crossed half the village withput stopping, the bandages on his hands still smelling of training. He had arrived just a few hours before returning with Yamato and Kakashi.
Rasenshuriken's training was over, he had made it, and he had rushed to Tsunade's office to show her.
Instead, he founf silence, lowered stares and zero smiles.
Asuma... Dead.
He didin't remember how he got out of the building, he only knew that he was running, and when he arrived at the cementery, the ceremony was already over.
He stopped a few meters behind, breathing heavily, and there where too many people.
He recognized Kurenai, Choji, Ino and Shikamaru.
He wanted to reach out and say something, anything, but what was he supposed to say to someone who had just lost the most important person in his life?
The words were stuck in his throat. Then he took one step, and another.
"Shikamaru" his voice came out barely like a whisper.
The dark-haired man raised his head, his eyes were red.
Naruto had never seen him cry.
Never.
For a few moments neither spoke.
Naruto swallowed hard.
"I...I'm sorry"
It wasn't nearly enough, he knew it, but it was all he had.
Shikamaru looked at him, but didin't answer. He just held his gaze for a few moments, then... He adverted his eyes.
As if Naruto wasn't there, as if looking at anything else was simpler.
Naruto felt a small knot form in his chest.
"...It's okay" he said more to himself than to anyone else.
He took a step back, then another. And ended up walking away in silence.
He didn't see Shikamaru watching him from a distance, or frowning slightly.
Shikamaru couldn't sleep that night.
The smoke from the incense was still impregnated in his clothes. He closed his eyes and saw blood, he opened them and there was only the ceiling. He closed them again.
"Protect the King."
Asuma's voice.
Again.
"Shikamaru, you already know who the King is."
He didn't know, if he had known maybe he had done something different.
He sat up suddenly, breathing too fast. The room was dark, the clock ticking a little after three in the morning.
He got up, he needed air.
The village was silent, the streets were empty.
He walked aimlessly. His feet carried him almost out of habit to the Hokage monument. From there he could see almost all of Konoha.
Asuma used to go there to think, to smoke or to look at the town he had sworn to protect.
Shikamaru sat on the edge and reached into his pocket. He found the lighter, Asuma's lighter. He held it in his hand cold, heavy and real.
Then he remembered another conversation.
"No matter how much they grow up, we adults always end up protecting the next generation."
The adults protecting, because there was something, someone who had to survive. The future, the children, the King.
His head began to form ideas without permission.
Akatsuki, the jinchuriki, the Kyubi... Naruto.
If Naruto didn't carry the Nine-Tails, Akatsuki would have never come.
If Akatsuki hadn't come then Asuma...
He squeezed the lighter tightly, so hard that the metal stuck in his palm.
No. It wasn't like that and he knew it, it was a rather simplistic conclusion. Asuma had chosen to be a ninja, he had accepted the risk, he himself had decided to stay and fight. He knew it.
So why did that tought come back again and again?
Why didn't it disappear?
Why was it so easy to blame someone else?
'Beacuse it hurts less'. The answer appeared on his own.
Shikamaru hated it.
Naruto had been sitting on the academy's swing for more than an hour.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd been back there. Maybe as a child, maybe he never stopped belonging to that place.
HIs hands were on his knees and he was looking at the ground.
Asuma-sensei had died. While he was training. While everyone was struggling. While he was learning a new technique.
He felt footsteps approaching.
"I knew I'd found you here"
It was Kakashi.
Naruto barely raised his head.
"Am I getting in the way?" he asked.
"Never" replied the other.
Kakashi sat down beside him.
For a few minutes no one said anything.
"I didn't made it." Naruto muttered.
"I know"
"If I had been stonger...
"Naruto, don't go down that road" Kakashi said, letting out an almost impercetible sigh.
"But-"
"No." hs voice was calm, but firm. "Ninjas make decisions, and Asuma made his."
Naruto looked down. He wanted to believe him, really wanted to, but it was difficult, too hard.
Becaise deep down, a small part of himself had always thought that people ended up suffering to protect him.
And now there was a grave that seemed to prove him right.
The next morning, Team 10 received authorization to prepare the pursuit mission.
Shikamaru listened to Tsunade's instruction without paying real attention to what she was saying.
His gaze wandered out the window. Down on the street, Naruto was laughing with Sakura abput something she had just said.
It was a brief, tired laugh, bit it was still Naruto, he was still trying to smile.
For an instant, Shikamaru felt relieved. It lasted less than a second, because without asking for permission, that voice settled back into his head.
"It all started because Akatsuki is looking for the Kyubi"
His jaw tightened and he looked away.
He didin't want to think that, he didin't want to. Naruto was his friend ans he never asked to carry the Kyubi. Naruto was, probably, the least guilty person of all this.
And yet, every time he closed his eyes he saw Asuma. And every time he closed hem he saw Naruto.
Little by little, those two images started to blend in a way thet terrified him.
Because Nara Shikamaru was intelligent.
Enough to recognize when a feeling or a thought was unfair.
But he was also human and grief did not understand logic. He just needed a place to leave all the pain.
And, without realizing it, Shikamaru was starting to look at the wrong person.
The first time Naruto noticed something was wrong was at breakfast.
Ichiraku Ramen was almost empty at that hour. Ayame arranged some freshly washed bowls while Teuchi stirred the broth with he same patience as always. The familiar arome filled the place, warm and comforting. It was one of those places where the world seemed to stop.
"Good morning, old man!" Naruto greeted with a forced smile, dropping down on one of the chairs.
"I thought you had already forgotten about us" Teuchi replied with a laugh.
"Never!"
He lied. In fact, he hadn't been there for a few days. He had trained until he gave up, slept little and ate when he remembered it.
And yet, he felt like it was not enough.
The plate came in front of him and he clasped his hands.
"Itada-"
The curtain lifted.
"What a drag..."
It was Shikamaru.
Naruto looked up and smiled reflexively.
"Shikamaru!"
The other saw him too.
Their eyes met for just a second, and then... Shikamaru turned around, letting the curtain fall again.
Silence.
"Huh...?"
"How strange" Teuchi sighed.
Naruto was already on his feet.
"Hey, Shikamaru!"
He left as quickly as he could, but the street was still almost empty, there was no one. Only the echo of shoes moving away on some corner.
Naruto froze.
"...Did he avoid me?"
Surely he was in a hurry, that must have been.
Shikamaru would never do something like that, would he?
Shikamaru walked non-stop. He could hear Naruto's footsteps following him, he could hear how he was calling him.
But he didin't stop.
Not because he wanted to be cruel, but because during that brief moment in Ichiraku, something twisted inside him. He saw Naruto's smile, so bright and normal. And for a stupid second he thought.
"How can you keep smiling?"
The idea hit him with tremendous force and he almost stopped his steps.
Naruto was also suffering. He has been late for the funeral because he had been training to try to help protect everyone.
He wasn't one to blamce, and he knew it perfectly well.
So why did he feel that pang of rage?
He just clenched his fists.
"What a drag"
He hated himself, a lot.
"Do you think I did something wrong?"
Sakura stoppe sorting the papers that Tsunade had asked her for.
"What?" she asked.
"Shikamaru"
Sakura looked up. Naruto fiddled with a metal spoon that he had inadvertently taken from Ichiraku. He twirled it between his finger over and over again.
"Since the funeral he has been strange with me" he said.
Sakura didn't say anything for a few seconds, she had noticed the same thing, not only with Naruto but with everyone. Shikamaru barely spoke, ate out of obligation, slept less and stared into space for long minutes, it was as if he had aged too much in just a week.
"Give him some time" Sakura replied.
"I try, but I feel that..." he did not finish the sentence.
He didn't even know how to explain it, Shikamaru wasn't exactly angry, it was as if he had built a wall. An inexplicably huge one.
And Naruto didn't understand when he had ended up on the other side.
The mission to search for Hidan and Kakuzu was being prepared.
Maps, routes, information. Shikamaru barely listened, his mind was workin on automatic.
Tsunade spoke, Kakashi made observations, Yamato nodded his head.
Then the door opened.
"Sorry for interrupting!" Naruto entered breathlessly, he was carrying a scroll on his arm "Grandma Tsunade, I finished perfecting" his voice died as he crossed the threshold.
Everyone was gathered and the tension was evident.
Naruto swallowed hard.
"...Will ypu catch them?" he asked in a low voice.
"Yes" Tsunade replied after a few seconds.
"I'll go with you" Naruto took another step closer.
"No" several voices answered at the same time.
Naruto frowned.
"Why?"
"Because you're Akatsuki's main target" Kakashi spoke calmly. "If you appear, you'll complicate the mission".
Naruto wanted to argue, but Shikamaru spoke first.
"Stay in the village."
The phrase was completely normal, even logical.
But the tone was... strange. Cold. Flat.
Naruto looked at him hoping to find an expression.
There was nothing, only tiredness.
"But I can help..."
"No" this time Shikamaru looked up and their eyes met "You can't"
The silence that followed was unbearable.
Naruto felt a small lump form in his throat.
It wasn't what he said, it was the way he did it. Shikamaru had never spoken to him like that, not even when they were arguing.
Naruto lowered the scroll slowly.
"I... understand"
He turned around. No once stopped him, the door closed behind him.
The bang echoed through the office. Shikamaru stared at the door for several seconds. Until Shizune cleared her throat uncomfortably.
"Let's continue"
But no one seemed really focused.
At the end of the meeting, Kakashi caught up with Shikamaru in the hallway.
"Can I ask you something?"
"It depends"
"What's up with Naruto?
Shikamaru kept walking.
"Nothing" he answered
"It didn't seem exactly like 'nothing'"
Silence.
"I lost my teacher practically a week ago, I'm not exactly in the mood"
"I know" Kakashi replied calmly "I lost mine too"
Shikamaru stopped. The words were suspended between them.
"Don't let the pain decide for you" Kakashi said before leaving.
Shikamaru didn't move, because that phrase hit him exactly where it hurt the most.
Naruto trained until it was dark. Over and over again.
Rasenshuriken. Clones. Chakra.
Again.
And another.
And another.
Until his hands began to shake.
He dropped down on the pitch. Breathing heavily, he looked up at the sky, where the stars were beggining to appear.
"You can't"
Shikamaru's words kept echoing in his head.
You can't.
You can't.
You can't.
"He's right" he whispered.
He still wasn't strong enough. If he were, Asuma would still be alive. If he were, Akatsuki wouldn't be a threat. If he were, no one would have to continue dying to protect him.
He felt a burning behind his eyes, but he didin't cry.
She had learned to swallow his tears years ago.
But it hurt, a lot.
Meanwhile Shikamaru walked towards Kurenai's house with a shopping bag.
When he knocked on the door, she opened. Her face was pale and thinner, but she smiled at him with sweetness that broke his heart.
"Shikamaru"
"I brought some things"
"It wasn't necessary" she replied.
"Yes, it was"
She let him in.
The house was quiet. Too much.
It still smelled like Asuma. Tobacco. Tea. Like the cologne he used after training. Everything was exactly the same, as if he was going to return at any moment.
Kurenai caressed her belly that was just beginning to show.
Shikamaru followed the movement with his eyes.
The baby. Asuma's last gift.
He felt a knot close his throat.
"He'll be a good boy" he said without thinking.
"Or a good girl" Kurenai said with a smile.
Shikamaru let out a small laugh. But ut lasted only a few seconds.
Then the house fell silent again. And Shikamaru thought, with terrifying clarity:
"Asuma will never meet his son."
Then, unintentionally... another image made its way.
Blonde hair, blue eyes, a bright smile.
"It all started because Akatsuki needed the Kyubi"
The thought appeared on its own, violent an cruel.It made Shikamaru close his eyes tightly.
"Enough!"
He wanted to rip it out of his head, he wanted to remember that Naruto was also a victim, that he was an orphan, someone who never chose to become a jinchuriki and who always risked his life for Konoha.
But grief was a monster and it didn't need to convince him. It would just repeat the same lie over and over again until it started to sound like the truth.
And Shikamaru was beginning to fear, not of Naruto, but of himself.
Because he had not yet said out loud what tormented him, but a part of him found it more difficult every day to keep quiet abput it.
Days continued to advance and didn't stop for anyone.
The sun rose, the missions continued, merchants opened their stalls. Konkha was still alive.
As if a man hadn't died to protect it. Shikamaru found it especially offensive.
"Checkmate"
He was playing shōgi again.
Shikamaru put the piece down on the board without looking up.
"You lost" said his father.
Shikamaru looked at the board. He didin't even remember when he had made the mistake. He had sacrificed the bishop without even realizing it.
"You're not playing" Shikaku commented.
"I am"
"No, you're not"
Shikaku put the pieces back together.
"Another"
Shikamaru obeyed, and five minutes later he'd lost again.
"That wasn't you either"
"What a drag" sighed Shikamaru.
"Talk to me"
There was no answer, but Shikaku waited. He knew her son and knew that pressuring him would only get him to build more walls. So he remained silent.
"Have you ever hated someone even though you knew they weren't to blame?"
Shikaku's hand lay still on a piece. He didn't respond away.
"Yes" he finally said.
Shikamaru looked up at his father.
"When your grandfather died, I blamed the doctor. I knew he had done his best, I knew it. But I needed to direct my anger somewhere, because accepting that it had just happened was harder"
Shikamaru felt a chill run down his spine and Shikaku stared at him.
"The difference is in what you decide to do with that anger. You can recognize that it's irrational or you can turn it into a truth, and that destroys people"
"What if it has already started?" asked Shikamaru in a whisper with his eyes lowered.
Shikaku frowned a little.
"Then make it stop before it's too late"
Naruto was sitting in front of the river with a paper bag in his hands. Inside there were dangos.
They were not for him.
"I hope he still like them" he murmured.
It'd take him a long time to decide.
Flowers? Very formal.
Ramen? No
Cigarettes? Definitely not.
He finally remembered that when they were genin, Shikamaru used to steal Choji's dangos when he was distracted.
He smiled a little.
Yeas, that would do.
He found Shikamaru where he expected to. On the roof of the hospital, lying on the concrete door, looking at the clouds, as always.
Naruto climbed the last steps carefully.
"I found you"
"What a drag" Shikamaru said without moving "How did you know I was here?"
Naruto shrugged his shoulders.
"You're always here when you need to think"
Naruto sat next to him, not too close, not too far away, just... close.
"I brought you something" he said as he took out the bag.
Shikamaru turned his head. Dangos. He recognized them immediately.
He felt a strange twinge in his chest.
"It was not necessary"
"I know" Naruto smiled "But I still bought them"
Shikamaru looked up at the sky again, and silence settled between them.
Not an awkward silence, it never had been. Naruto was one of the few people Shikamaru could keep quiet with for hours.
"...How are you?" asked Naruto finally.
It was a stupid question, they both knew, but it was also the only one he could ask.
Shikamaru was quite slow to respond.
"Alive"
"That sounded a lot like you" Naruto said letting out a small laugh.
"I know"
Narutto fiddled with the paper wrapper a little.
"Asuma-sensei was great..."
"Yes" Shikamaru said, closing his eyes.
"When I was a child, he always greeted me, even if no one else did"
The dark-haired man opened his eyes. He didn't expect to hear that. Naruto was still looking straight ahead.
"Once he gave me an ice cream becaise he saw me sitting alone. I didn't even know him. He said children shouldn't eat alone."
Shikamaru felt something press sown on his chest.
Asuma.
It was something he would do, it was very much him.
Naruto smiled wistfully.
"I don't think I even remembered it until now"
The wind gently moved the blonde hair, and for a moment Shikamaru saw the twelve-year-old Naruto again. The scandalous, annoying boy, hungry for attention and so desperate for a smile, that any kind gesture would remain etched in his mind forever.
He felt ashamed.
How could he ever think...?
Naruto was never the enemy.
Never.
"Thank you" Shikamaru murmured.
"Huh?" Naruto blinked.
"For the dangos"
"Ah!" he scratched the back of his neck.
Shikamaru took one and took a small bite of it.
It was sweet. Too much.
Asuma would've said the same thing.
Shikamaru's lips curled a little, and Naruto smiled at the sight of him. And it was such a sincere smile that Shikamaru felt the air re-enter his lungs for the fisrt time since the funeral.
Maybe everything was starting to get better.
It lasted exactly three hours.
Because fate had a strange habit of breaking quiet moments.
When Shikamaru came down from the roof, he heard two voices near the entrance of the hospital.
"So he's the jinchuriki?"
"Yes, they say that Akatsuki has already started moving again"
"What bad luck. If those beasts didn't exist, so many ninjas would still be alive"
Shikamaru froze.
Both civilians were still walking. They didn't even speak maiciously, it was just any conversation, an opinion.
"If those beasts didn't exist, so many ninjas would still be alive"
The words stuck like needles, and his mind unintentionally finished the sentence.
"Asuma too"
He clenched his fists.
No. Not again. No.
He took a deep breath.
One.
Two.
Three times.
"Don't listen to that"
"It's not true."
"Naruto didn't choose any of this"
But there was a problem. It was no longer just that voice. Now it was also the voice of the people, the murmurs. People looking for simple explanations for a great pain.
And that made it much harder to continue fighting that thinking.
That same night, Naruto knocked on the door of Shikamaru's apartment with a shōgi board under his arm.
"Do you want the rematch?" he asked with a smile. "Last time you beat me three times in a row".
Shikamaru looked at him. The board. The smile. The blue eyes.
For a second he wanted to say yes, he wanted to let it go, play, laugh for a while and feel normal. But then he saw Asuma's lighter on the table and the air became heavy again.
"Not today" he replied.
Naruto nodded right away.
"Ah, of course. Sorry, bad idea".
Shikamaru noticed how the blond's smile became just a little smaller, just a little. But enough to realize it.
"Then... another day"
"Yeah, another day"
Naruto raised his hand to say goodbye.
"Rest well"
"You too".
The door closed and Shikamaru leaned his forehead against the wood.
On the other side, Naruto stood at the door for a few seconds.
"Okay"
He said to himself.
"He needs time"
And convinced of that, he tirned around and began to retreat. He couldn't see that on the other side of the door, Shikamaru was gritting his teeth so hard that his jaw hurt. Because he had just done something unforgivable.
He had felt relief at leaving Naruto out.
And that terrified him more than any member of Akatsuki. Because he was beginning to understand that the wall he was building was no longer to protect him from pain.
It was to protect Naruto from the horrible things that one day, if he continued like this, he might come to tell him.
And Shikamaru was beginning to fear that, that day would be much closer than he wanted to admit.
The rain came two days later. It wasn't a storm. It was that fine drizzle that barely wet the ground and yet made the whole village look quieter.
Shikamaru hated the rain. Not because it bothered him to get wet, but because the clouds made it impossible for him to look at the sky.
Asuma always said that observing them helped to order thoughts.
Nothing managed to order his.
"Are you avoiding Naruto?"
The question fell on the table as calmly as Shikaku arranged a piece of shōgi.
Shikamaru didn't look up.
"No"
"You lie very badly"
"I'm not lying"
"Then look at me".
Silence.
Shikamaru let out a sigh.
"I'm not avoiding him, I just don't know what to tell him"
Shikaku remained silent, waiting.
"When he's close everything becomes complicated"
"Because he reminds you of Asuma?"
Shikamaru took too long to respond.
That was enough as an answer.
Naruto had been trying to convince Tsunade for a week. One week.
"I have mastered the Rasenshuriken!"
"Yes, you have"
"Then, let me help!"
"No"
"Grandma Tsunade!"
"Naruto"
The Hokge lifted her head from the pile of paperwork. She had terrible dark circles under her eyes. She'd lost a jonin, had Akatsuki moving, a war no one saw coming. And, besides, she had the most stubborn ninja in the village in front of her.
"I'm not sending you because you're the main target, not because you're weak".
Naruto crossed his arms.
"Then what do I do?"
She looked at him and pointed to the door.
"Go eat, sleeping also helps"
Naruto grimaced.
"That's not a mission"
"Precisely".
He left the office huffing and puffing, and almost bumped into someone.
"Sorry!"
It was Shikamaru.
They both stood still. It was the first time they had been face to face since the dangos.
Naruto smiled instinctively.
"Hello"
Shikamaru responded with an almost imperceptible shake of his head.
"Did you come with Tsunade?"
"Yeah"
"Did she let you go?"
Naruto snorted.
"Obviously not".
That managed to bring a small smile to Shikamaru's face. So small that Naruto thought he had just imagined it.
"What a drag"
"Hey!" Naruto laughed.
They began to walk down the hallway without speaking, but there was no awkward silence.
They just walked, as so many other times. And Shikamaru thought that maybe his father was right. That he could still stop that.
"You remember when you tried to teach me how to play shōgi?" Naruto asked suddenly.
Shikamaru let out a laugh.
"You lasted five minutes"
"Because it has too many rules!"
"It has less rules than chess"
"That doesn't help!"
For the first time since the funeral, Shikamaru laughed. A real laugh. Short, but authentic.
Naruto opened his eyes wide.
"There it is!"
"What?"
"I thought you had forgotten to laugh"
The smile disappeared as quickly as it had come and Naruto cursed in his mind.
"Idiot, why had he said that?"
Shikamaru looked away.
"I try" he replied in a low voice.
Naruto felt his chest hurt.
"I know".
That afternoon, it was raining a little harder. Naruto was walking with his hands behind his head when he heard voices coming from the market. He didn't really pretend to listen.
But he did.
"Poor Kurenai"
"And pregnant"
"All because of that fox"
"All because of Akatsuki"
Naruto continued on his way as if he hadn't heard anything. He was already used to it, right?
A woman continued to speak.
"As long as that boy is still here, there will always be someone willing to come for him"
Naruto pursed his lips slightly, but he didn't turn, he didn't answer, he just kept walking in the rain.
He'd learned a long time ago that arguing never changes anything. But the words kept coming in.
Always.
When he turned a corner he saw Shikamaru, he heard the same thing.
They were face to face, but neither spoke.
So Naruto smiled first, with a tired and small smile, as if to say:
"Don't worry, I'm used to it."
And that smile was worse than any tear. Because Shikamaru understood what it meant.
Naruto had heard things like that all his life. All of it. And he had never complained.
He felt a stroke of guilt. How could he even think like those people?
Naruto raised a hand.
"See you" and he continued walking.
Shikamaru remained in place.
The rain soaked his clothes.
"He never chose this"
He knew it, he always knew.
So.
Why did he still felt that anger?
Why didn't it disappear?
Why did it insist on returning?
Shikamaru couldn't sleep that night.
He got up before dawn and walked aimlessly, until he ended up again in front of Asuma's tomb.
He left a pack of cigarettes on the tombstone.
"What a drag..." he murmured "You didn't even smoke that much"
Shikamaru sat in front of the stone with his legs crossed and his elbows on his knees.
Because it was easier to talk to a tombstone than to a living person.
"Today I laughed" he confessed "With Naruto..." silence, "And I felt guilty. Does that mean I'm forgetting you?"
The air remained morionless, there was no response. Of course not. But Shikamaru kept talking.
"There are times when I see him and I only see Naruto. The idiot who eats too much ramen, who always end up helping everyone and makes bad jokes, and then I think I'm a jerk for even considering blaming him" a small smile appeared on his lips, it lasted a very short time "But then I remember how you died. How Hidan said that Akatsuki would continue to hunt jinchuriki. How all this started with the Kyubi, and I return to the same place."
He lowered his head, his fingers closing around Asuma's lighter until he hurt himself.
"I'm tired" he whispered "I'm so tired of fighting with myself."
The wing blew stronger and leaves began to fall around the tomb. For a moment, Shikamaru thought he heard Asuma's voice.
"Don't confuse cause with guilt"
He opened his eyes suddenly. It was just the wind, right?
Far from there, Naruto was also still awake sitting on the windowsill of his apartment, looking at Konoha's lights. Thinking too much.
"Shikamaru laughed again"
He was really happy. But
Why didn't that laughter reach his eyes when he looked at him?
Why did there always seem to be a distance?
What was he doing wrong?
He leaned his forehead against the glass.
"If I could do something..."
He would repeat it over and over again throughout the night.
Without imagining that, very soon, he was going to try to do something.
And that attempt would be the spark that would end up setting everything on fire.
The Hokage's office smelled of fresh ink, cold coffee and open scrolls. Tsunade held a report in her hands.
"Confirmed" the silence that followed was heavy. "Hidan and Kakuzu were seen again"
"Then they'll soon move" Kakashi said, crossing his arms.
Yamato nodded.
"Naruto?" asked Tsunade.
"He keeps training"
"Let him keep doing it" there was no doubt in Tsunade's voice. "If Akatsuki changes targets, he'll be next."
Naruto knew nothing about that meeting.
He was too busy trying to get the Rasenshuriken to stop smashing his arm.
A clone exploded in a white cloud.
Then another.
And another.
"Damn!"
He fell backwards on the grass. He breathed heavily, his muscles ached, his head and chest hurt.
It wasn't because of the training, it was because he kept thinking about Shikamaru. Since the funeral comething was different, but he didn't know what. He just felt it.
And more he tried to convince himself that it was only the grief, the less he could believe it.
"Do you talk to the clouds now?"
It was Kakashi.
Naruto looked up and replied.
"Sometimes they respond"
"What a productive conversation"
Naruto laughed lightly and Kakashi sat down next to him.
For a few minutes they only observed the sky.
"Kakashi-sensei..."
"Hmm?"
"When Obito died, did you get angry with anyone?"
The question came so suddenly that Kakashi was slow to answer.
He looked at the clouds and closed the book he pretended to read.
"Yes, with myself."
Naruto frowned.
"With yourself?"
"I thought that, if I had been stronger, if I had arrived earlier, things would have been different" he smiled bitterly. "Then I blamed the war, then the enemy, and then the whole world"
He paused.
"Grief is weird. Sometimes it looks for a place to stay, even if that place doesn't make sense at all."
Naruto remained silent.
He didn't know why, but those words reminded him of Shikamaru.
That afternoon, Choji found Naruto leaving the training camp.
"Naruto!"
The blond raised a hand.
"Choji!"
The boy was smiling, although he had deep dark circes under his eyes. It was a tired smile, like everyone else's.
"Do you have a moment?"
Naruto nodded right away.
They walked aimlessly, none of them talked that much. With Choji it was never necessary.
"Thank you" said suddenly the member of Team 10.
Naruto blinked in cofusion.
"Why?"
"For being at the funeral"
The answer took Naruto by surprise.
"I didn't do anything"
"You were there, that was enough"
"I wish I could've done more" Naruto replied with a lowered gaze.
Choji smiled sadly.
"We all think that"
Silence returned until Naruto muestered up the courage to ask.
"How is Shikamaru?"
Choji took too long to answer.
"I don't know"
"Whay do you mean?" Naruto raised his head.
"He's there. He eats, trains and talks when necessary. But he doesn't seem to be really with us anymore"
Naruto felt an emptiness settle in his stomach.
That night Shikamaru was left alone again.
The shōgi board was still placed exactly as it had been left days ago, in an unfinished game.
He moved a piece. Then another.
He tried to concentrate, but he couldn't.
On the table, rested the empty package of dangos that Naruto had brought him. He still didn't throw it away and he didn't know why.
Perhaps because, when he saw it, he remembered that time on the rooftop. The only time all week he had managed to breathe without feeling like his chest would explode.
He took the wrapper in his hands and folded it absentmindedly.
Then he heard a knock on the door.
Three.
Pause.
Two more.
There was no need to ask who it was. Naruto always called the same way.
Shikamaru remained motionless.
"Shikamaru?" the voice came muffled by the wood.
He did not answer. Not because he didn't want to, but because he was afraid to open.
"I brought tea" silence, "Well, I also brought instant ramen because I didn't know which one you preferred"
Shikamaru closed his eyes.
"Open" he thought.
"It's Naruto, your friend"
His legs didn't move.
On the other side, Naruto let out a nervous laugh.
"I suppose you're busy. It's okay, we can... Another day".
The footsteps began to move away.
Shikamaru felt a prick of guilt. One so strong that, before he could think too much about it, he opened the door.
"Naruto"
The blond turned immediately and smiled. As if he had never expected that to happen.
"I knew you were there!"
Shikamaru rested his shoulder on the frame.
"Sorry, I fell asleep"
It was a horrible lie, and Naruto believed it without hesitation.
"Ah, I thought you didn't want to open"
Those words, spoken so innocently, made Shikamaru want to disappear.
"Shall we go in?" Naruto asked, lifting the bag.
There was a second of doubt, only one.
"...Yes".