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The word Intimacy has borne many definitions through the passage of time. Yet in the modern world we seem to have forgotten its meaning. As they say, “We are losing the ancient texts.” It is derived from the Latin word intimus, meaning “deepest” and also the superlative to intus, which means “within.”
Those who seek concupiscence—allowing desire to eclipse devotion—often fail to recognize love when it stands before them. Because of this, many couples, especially those in the limelight,go under the radar.
Soobin and Beomgyu are one of those people.
It wasn’t that they’ve been secretive in their declarations of love. People are just simply ignorant. No matter how many clips have been cut from official videos, actions have been blurred, and words have been censored—they believe that they’ve been quite loud from official statements alone.
Soobin considers himself a very private, yet very open individual. He’s loud about his interests, family relations, and of course Beomgyu. At the same time, he is secretive about the necessary things to be kept in the dark about the same subjects.
At one point, it was only during a fansign did their other members find out he had visited Beomgyu’s newly renovated family home, bragging about it childishly.
There had been a ton of denial surrounding their dorm arrangements, but Soobin could only scoff. Eventually, their company succumbed to their requests to confirm it officially. After all, they had already been past the point of no return.
Within the confines of said dorms, the pair moved as if they were in a practiced dance of waltz—each movement instinctive from its repetition and done with an ease only built over time. Oftentimes, whenever their schedule would allow, they would wait for each other at work. Sometimes it would get filmed, and lesser times would it get published.
But it didn’t matter, it wasn’t for merely the public eye. It was their lifestyle.
On the way home, they’d talk about how their day went, despite spending most of it with each other, recollecting the tiny bits and giggling amongst themselves. Besides them, only the driver really knew how tight-knit they were on their rides home. Even if they showed parts of it to others, no clips could fully encapsulate the day-to-day intimacy between the pair.
In that sliver of time, they would discuss their dinner or midnight meal, often ending in Soobin’s compliance to Beomgyu’s requests as he had declared publicly. In times of quiet, he’d either keep to himself or secretly take photos of his boyfriend who sat in peace, yet, illuminated with beauty.
Choi Soobin was a lucky, lucky man.
When they got to their dorm, sometimes they’d bump into the other members, most often Kai or Taehyun, while Yeonjun remained a rare sight because of his packed schedule. They’ve always admired that hyung of theirs, he deserved far more credit than he is given, of course.
Soobin would usually reach for his keys, searching all his pockets until Beomgyu got impatient and opened it with his own, giving a playful scoff. The moment they hear the door click shut, they look at each other with a smile, kicking their shoes off and dropping their bags before wrapping their arms around one another.
Beomgyu would stuff his face into Soobin’s shoulder, resting his head as the older rocked them slowly. After a few minutes, they’d share a few kisses, most often on Beomgyu’s cheeks and forehead, then they would wash up; waiting for their food.
They frequently shared showers, a secret hanging between the pair who now washed each other’s bodies of the sweat and dirt accumulated throughout the day. Beomgyu had different products from Soobin as their skin behaved differently, but whenever he had a recommendation or a particularly good experience—the older one would never pass up the opportunity to try.
That’s why he’s now bending his knees slightly as Beomgyu shampooed his hair with the trendy Japanese shampoo he bought online. It would’ve been an adorable sight to see Beomgyu tiptoeing to reach his boyfriend’s hair, but Soobin couldn’t possibly let him be at risk of slipping for a long period of time. He worked out anyway, it’s just like a round of squats.
The part Soobin enjoyed the most about these showers were when he would wash off the soap on Beomgyu’s body, see the supple skin emerge from the lather and often times placing a kiss on his shoulders. Seldom would it only end at that. Soobin would be greedy, kissing Beomgyu’s cheeks or lips, sometimes becoming a full-blown makeout session if he got lucky. And when Soobin has really really good luck—food would become cold on their doorstep.
Tonight wasn’t one of those. Unfortunately.
Soon enough they giggled by the bathroom door, drying each other’s hair before preparing for their midnight debrief. This evening, they had particular fixations on their phones, responding to messages and sharing to one another.
Hao is currently on a flight for a brand deal overseas, Jihoon is active and messaging Soobin, while his middle school friends had sent him a message asking when their next getaway would be. Meanwhile, Beomgyu’s family had sent loads of messages in their group chat throughout the day, not a rare sight, quite mundane, but he reveled in it; enjoying his family’s company anyway.
When one of them put their phone down, the other would immediately follow, sometimes with a delay to complete the message they were articulating, but settling down soon nonetheless.
“It’s been a while since we had chicken,” Soobin mumbled before biting into his.
Beomgyu chuckled, swallowing his own. “By a while, you mean 6 days?”
There was again, rebutting his boyfriend with logic.
He was quite the menace. Always teasing and clingy. A few years back, his mom would scold him for bothering Soobin, especially during shoots. Telling him that his hyung doesn’t like it and that he shouldn’t stop. Over and over again, he’d tell her it was their way of showing affection. In time, she finally understood and left the topic to rest.
Despite his unserious image that was often misunderstood and blown out of proportion, Soobin believed that Beomgyu still showed a significant amount of his self on camera. He was their variety show king, often exaggerating things just to help the group out, but he couldn’t be more serious during necessary moments, and Soobin would feel himself falling in love again.
In the compilations he’d find online, often times, he would stumble upon alleged sexual tension with other people. At that, he would scrunch his face. How could small actions be so twisted? How couldn’t they see that he was most intimatewith Beomgyu out of everyone else?
Hadn’t he already been obvious in his frequent anecdotes and the way the younger’s name had slipped far too many times from his lips that he had to resort to calling him a member, even though most moas knew who he was pertaining to?
Hadn’t he already been obvious with choosing Beomgyu and prioritizing him over and over again, putting him above everybody else, and emphasizing his special role in Soobin’s life?
Was all he did for Beomgyu not enough for other people to dismiss them like that? Create rumors about him and his friends, especially when he went out on trips with them, when it was Beomgyu he was going home to. It was Beomgyu he was asking permission from. It was Beomgyu who knew everything.
It was Beomgyu.
It had always been Beomgyu.
“You okay?” The younger placed his hand over Soobin’s, squeezing it.
It was noticeably smaller than Soobin’s, both in length and girth, and it would be a lie to say Soobin hadn’t had any tainted thoughts about it. But that isn’t important right now, what’s important right now is to stay present. He reminded himself.
“I’m sorry, Beomgyu-yah,”
Beomgyu shook his head. “Let’s eat up quickly.”
His smile was small and fond, reaching his eyes so subtly. For a moment, Soobin saw a glimpse of something maternal—straight out of his fantasies—but he would blame that on Kai who introduced omegaverse to him. It was something he wasn’t really ready to reveal to Beomgyu yet, but Kai and him agreed he was the alpha in the relationship, in the group, and maybe even generally.
“What are you smiling at?” Beomgyu’s tone was teasing and Soobin looked at him like a deer caught in headlights.
“Well.. uhm, the food is great,”
The younger just chuckled. His voice sounded like music to Soobin’s ears and he knows he’s not just in love as he’s been feeling this way for more or less a decade.
When they wrapped up and cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom was their next stop.
More often than not, they’d stand in front of the mirror, brushing their teeth with Soobin behind Beomgyu, one hand draped on the younger’s stomach as Beomgyu leaned his head on Soobin’s shoulder; watching their reflection in the mirror.
Afterwards, they’d do their skincare, sometimes doing it to each other having memorized all the steps and little details because of the frequency of doing the habit together. Recently, Beomgyu had taken a liking to gua sha and Soobin was immediately pulled in like the biggest fan of an influencer.
Beomgyu had bought him his own for hygienic reasons, but during the first days of his craze, he would use his own to pamper Soobin. Sometimes the older would be between his legs, leaning down, or resting on his chest. Choi Soobin was quite the baby.
He didn’t know if this worked at all, it was supposed to depuff your face and lymph nodes or something. It didn’t matter, he’ll do it anyway.
Beomgyu said it was effective.
They passed by Beomgyu’s room after their evening routine and headed into Soobin’s as the former’s room was becoming more of a storage area than a livable space because of how much time he spent in Soobin’s.
It was practically theirs.
They slept together nightly, watching reels to sleep or even their own content. Sometimes they would play league, but these days, Beomgyu has been more easily exhausted.
Soobin wishes it could be pregnancy, but their company wouldn’t allow.
Taehyun’s comment, however, would be that it’s not possible in the first place.
Soobin begged to differ anyway.
He recalled, in one of their to do episodes, he had hugged Taehyun instinctively while Beomgyu curled up against Yeonjun. It was their favorite position. Beomgyu sleeping on Soobin’s arm, all curled up against him as they cuddled for the rest of the night.
Then, in the morning, they’d do their best to wake up together. A lot of times separate schedules wouldn’t allow it, but Soobin makes sure to spend at least five minutes staring at his sleeping boyfriend with a garlic-like nose before getting up.
He’d give Beomgyu a goodbye kiss that the younger would not have any recollection of and leave the dorm with a smile. Soobin didn’t like leaving his boyfriend all alone, but he hated interrupting his rest more. Beomgyu’s health is most important to him.
So whenever Beomgyu got sick, Soobin would also be sick—worried sick.
Once, Soobin was about to ask for rescheduling on a solo activity because Beomgyu had such a high temperature. If Taehyun wasn’t free that day and Beomgyu didn’t fight so much, he surely would have.
The moment the director said cut, he went home as soon as possible. Greeting the staff and personnel in a rush, his legs bouncing restlessly when he got in the car as he quickly opened his phone to check up on Beomgyu the nth time that day.
Soon after, Beomgyu was able to join their group activities again.
“You’ve been smiling like an idiot the whole night, spill it out.” The younger demanded groggily, cutting through his thoughts.
“I love you.”
Beomgyu clicked his tongue, snuggling against Soobin’s chest before mumbling a muffled “I love you too.”
Soobin grinned as he squeezed the younger in his arms, laying his head atop Beomgyu’s and placing a kiss shortly after.
“Go to bed.”
“Mmm, I will.”
Thankfully, tomorrow was a group schedule.
Soobin roused out of his slumber first, squinting at the sunlight filtering through the curtains before instinctively looking at Beomgyu. The younger was sleeping peacefully, like Aurora from sleeping beauty—but prettier. More beautiful. Most beautiful!
Especially with his glowy nose.
He had to remind Beomgyu to check what product is making his T-zone oily again.
Soobin’s eyes moved from Beomgyu’s plump lips, to his cute nose, to his moving eyes—most likely in his REM stage of sleep—to his alluring brows, and to his soft hair.
He inched himself closer, snuggling a similar way his boyfriend did last night before looking at his watch where he tracked his sleep.
9:08.
Fuck.
The members and staff are gonna be knocking on their doors any minute!
Why didn’t his alarm go off? Were they too deep into sleep?
Fuck—
Fuck.
Fuck!!
“Beomgyu-yah… Beomgyu-yah…”
“Hnngh…”
“You have to get up, we have to go at 9:15 today. It’s already 9:08!”
“?!”
To say the least, the car ride was quiet. Beomgyu wasn’t able to prepare as much as he intended, but didn’t blame Soobin nonetheless. It was both of their responsibilities, after all.
Soobin, however, felt deeply apologetic. His phone and watch had the alarm and unfortunately… it wasn’t switched on.
“It’s okay,” Beomgyu laid his head on the older’s shoulder. Soobin stiffened at the touch.
“We’ll set an alarm on both of our phones next time.”
“Mm, yeah. Sorry, puppy…”
When they arrived at the set, Yeonjun’s teasing didn’t really help. “Woah, rough night?” He chuckled, immediately going quiet when both didn’t react.
“Geez, sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it, we just rushed because I forgot to switch on our alarm.” Soobin rubbed his nape before motioning to his face when Beomgyu turned his back against them.
Yeonjun pursed his lips and nodded in understanding. Everyone knew how meticulous Beomgyu was about his skin and they had barely 10 minutes to prepare. Soobin clumsily knocking bottles over during their shower didn’t help one bit.
They were soon led to the dressing rooms where Beomgyu was sandwiched between Taehyun and Kai who were discussing a Minecraft video they had seen earlier today. As the makeup noonas began doing his hair and makeup, the flutter of his eyelids became slow and heavy, soon sending him into a light nap.
Later on, when he gathered enough energy, he skipped to Soobin’s area where the older was still getting his hair done—as Beomgyu was given pretty much the same hairdo every time—and giggly told him.
“I’m interviewing you later!”
Soobin’s eyes shot open, surprised at his bubbly demeanor.
“O-oh, yeah?” He suppressed a smile. “Okay.”
Yeonjun snorted. Soobin acted like he heard nothing.
“Ah, come here pretty thing. I’ll show you what love looks like.” The eldest patted his lap as his makeup noonas cleaned up the vanity.
Beomgyu chuckled, watching Soobin’s face contort into a disgusted expression that progressed into disbelief as he sat on Yeonjun’s lap.
“?” Soobin raised a brow.
Yeonjun paid no mind, caressing Beomgyu’s thighs and squeezing it.
“What? You wanna give fans a divorced era again?” Soobin gritted between his teeth, half-joking.
“Oh, nah. That was… shitty. We don’t wanna drag our pretty thing into it again, hmm?” He landed a playful slap onto Beomgyu’s thigh.
Soobin shook his head before getting told by the noonas to close his eyes for hair spray.
“It was terrible, people acted like Beomgyu-hyung was some sort of home wrecker.” Everyone turned to the honey voice’s direction, seeing Taehyun emerge with a water bottle.
Kai followed shortly. “If anything, it would be Yeonjun-noona. He loves Beomgyu-hyung too much.”
Yeonjun blowed him a kiss. Kai winked in response.
“Oh, shut up. Stop dragging Beomgyu into your mess.”
Taehyun and Kai ooh’ed in unison, the kind you’d mostly hear in elementary school classrooms. The staff nearby began giggling and laughing. This was their every day.
Unbelievable.
Soobin scoffed before opening the chess site on his phone, one Taehyun recommended.
The footsteps approaching got drowned in the noise of his thoughts and soon enough, he felt familiar arms snaking around his shoulders. “Aww, someone’s sulking.”
“Am not.”
“Sure are.”
“Am—“
“Everyone be ready in five!” The director called out.
After the shoot, the pair decided to go straight home. The sun was yet to set, but Beomgyu felt quite eager to dive into their bed and have his rest. However, Soobin knew deep inside that they would end up playing until dinnertime.
In the quiet walls of their dormitory, where the air conditioner hummed and footsteps echoed; Soobin felt unease whirling inside him. It was like a storm forming in the part of an ocean faraway from land, yet bound to destroy what may come in its path. He had to dissipate it.
“Beomgyu-yah,”
The younger hummed from the couch, his legs sprawled on one end and his head resting on his palms on the other.
“I.. I didn’t like what you did earlier.”
Beomgyu blinked.
“Yeonjun-hyung.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again,” Then, after a beat. “Just so you know, cameras were rolling.”
“I know, and I know that’s how hyung is on or off the camera— I just. I just don’t feel comfortable with it anymore. It won’t get published anyway, since you know.”
“Right, okay.”
Beomgyu sat up from his position, making a come over motion to Soobin who hesitated for a second before complying anyway. The sofa sunk under him as he sat beside Beomgyu, who if not for the weight of their conversation, he would be teasing for sitting like an anime girl.
The younger took his bigger hands, holding it in his own so delicately as if it was a fragile flower about to fly away.
“This isn’t about the affection, is it?” He looked straight into Soobin’s eyes. Beomgyu had always been like that. He had always loved looking at Soobin, may the older be making eye contact or not. While Soobin would more often than not become shy whenever he saw those sparkly eyes brimming with love.
At this moment, Soobin had a different reason for avoiding eye contact. He felt embarrassed, how could he avoid his feelings? This wasn’t like him.
Perhaps, Beomgyu truly knew him best.
“Look, we both know I don’t like getting rushed—especially like that—but we also both know it was a genuine mistake. The thought was there, the alarm was set, just forgotten to be switched on. You’re tired and have been more than usual recently. How about you cut yourself some slack, hmm? I’m okay now. Let’s just avoid doing it again.”
Just like that, he was coaxed like a child. Soobin laid his head on Beomgyu’s shoulder, inhaling his perfume in the nape of his neck. He had always loved how the younger smelled and really appreciated how much he took care of his body, especially his preparations for cough cough.
The thought made his stomach do backflips.
Beomgyu caressed his face, the softness of it all halting his brewing lewd notions. He gently rubbed his thumb on Soobin’s cheek before it made its way to the older’s hair, threading through it and massaging his scalp.
“You big baby.”
Soobin only scoffed in response.
In the seldom moments when Soobin would act this way, Beomgyu would always feel it. Always knows what to say and do. It was one of the infinite reasons Soobin found most comfort in his presence. To say there weren’t doubts about their love for each other and the other way around would be a lie, but in these times, it would be especially evident just how much they mean to each other; and just how much it was reciprocated.
To Soobin and Beomgyu, intimacy had always been its latin origin. Deepest. It was the bedrock of each other’s souls only they ever unearthed. The marrow beneath their bones. The abyss of their consciousness. The roots beneath the version of themselves under their own roof, shown to the public, and what everybody else sees.
And most importantly, it was the parts of their bond untouched by the rest of the world.
At the end of the day, they knew each other best. Amidst the doubts about the depth of their connection, Soobin and Beomgyu know it’s not like any other.
It was theirs.