Chapter Text
Chapter 1: Prologue: Lena’s Bad Decisions
A/N: This is going to go very deep and dark indeed which is my mental playground if you will. There’s a little Tomb Raider mixed in there as that’s one of my favorite games.
Lena glanced down at her phone in embarrassment. What the hell had she just done? It could have been much worse when you think about it but she was too shell shocked by the tremendous act of stupidity that she’d just committed. The notary had been seeing a guy named James for a few months, they seemed to like each other pretty well so over the summer they had been getting better acquainted. James took her out on his boat, he treated her well enough but they both knew it wasn’t a romantic relationship.
There was absolutely no spark between them, Lena did not think about him at all when she wasn’t with him, nothing. After the dust up between her and Alan it wouldn’t be farfetched to think that her heart was a solid as iron and equally unyielding. Every man she had met failed to stir up any kind of feeling in her at all so she could easily walk away without anyone really noticing. She never returned calls, spoke with any kind of emotion, nothing. Lena knew she was becoming numb to the whole human experience but the truth was that she didn’t care anymore.
“I just sold my soul,” she grumbled, flopping onto the couch like a rag doll. Unfortunately for her not long after she moved into her apartment Gypsy had managed to get out and got hit by a car so her furry companion was no more. Lena meant to get another cat but she was too busy and when she had free time she just didn’t want to do it. Cats were therapy yet she couldn’t find it within her to open herself up again, even for a loving pet. “wait, maybe I don’t even have a soul anymore.”
Alan would have hated that remark fiercely, telling her that she did have a soul but there was no scientific proof of that. She cast him out of her mind, looking at the certificate on her desk like it would jump up and burn her. “It’s not going to change things anyway.” James had talked her into it at first, soft selling the idea to see how receptive she would be and when she drew up her list of requirements he didn’t seem to have a problem with it.
The certificate on her desk read CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE, their names, the date, two witnesses and the notary. Lena was married again, she and James were a pair now except for the fact that Lena had insisted on a marriage contract she drew up. The notary filed the document away in her desk, giving it a glare in passing.
It wasn’t too hard to understand her mindset in agreeing to marry James. Lena knew that she was not likely to get any kind of proposal at her age, her fertility was slowly dwindling down, she was a bad prospect. James told her he enjoyed her company, understood her mind well enough, then told her that it wasn’t a “real” marriage, it was a marriage of convenience. He was generous enough to put her on his health insurance plan, made her a beneficiary of his life insurance, and that was it. James had explained that he didn’t want a traditional marriage at all.
They were married in the eyes of the law, they both had legal rights, they trusted each other enough to act in their best interests towards one another. Each one would be the personal representative of the estate when they died, but both of them were free in every other respect. Lena’s contract outlined they would not spend holidays together, neither had any obligations towards the other and if she managed to bear children they were primarily his responsibility. James had seemed to like the idea of kids but Lena told him she didn’t want to bear any. Both of them were free to date as much as they wanted, pursue other relationships, the marriage didn’t impede their lives, they would just be each other’s backups in case of emergencies.
The civil ceremony had been two months ago, James had playfully asked her if she felt like consummating the marriage. Lena knew if she did there would be no annulment later on but they were not married in the Catholic church and divorces were pretty easy to get so she had obliged him. Both of them had spent their week following the ceremony more or less as sexual partners with no connection. James was thrilled with her body, telling her she kept it really good shape, the two of them acted like lovebirds when they knew they were no such thing.
Lena treated the whole honeymoon period as her last time to get sexual with a guy, preparing to close her body off and swear celibacy. Sex just got in the way of everything, it slowed her down while she wanted to do other things. It was much harder for a woman to make celibacy stick, they had biology working against them, the monthly reminders to get pregnant before their wombs shut off for the rest of their lives. She still had regret from her past abortion but this time it was very different so she indulged herself that week.
It was during her fertile time of the month, James was very sweet towards her so she went for it. The couple averaged about 4 times a day getting intimate between taking breaks, a little sightseeing and mealtimes. Lena had joked that she’d never met anyone so giving before as she took all he offered. Her new spouse was a senior navy man, he was going off on a six month assignment to train new recruits in Virginia but he promised to be back.
Lena got up from the couch, ambled over to the bathroom and started brushing her teeth. Her apartment was a high rise, rented with the dividends from her investment account. Thanks to her financial advisor her investments were booming, she was quite comfortably well off and didn’t need to work anymore. She was able to switch to on call work which gave her more free time to pursue her other hobbies so she chose to focus on local mysteries.
The old Grant estate on the outskirts of town held her interest over everything else. The place was 100 years old, enshrouded in mystery, she was determined to figure it all out. Generations of teens had gone there for their ritual hazing of underclassmen, all had departed the place in fear so she knew she had her work cut out for her. Elias Grant had been a bit of an Ebenezer Scrooge, a man of ill repute in the town, but Lena was reminded of an old man living near Boston called Ephraim Gray. Gray had been a scientist, always tinkering with his formula for youth but he died before he could complete it. When he did die, after the internment, medical students opened up his coffin and discovered he wasn’t there.
Elias might have pulled some kind of similar prank or something but Lena would know more after she was on the property. The notary had prepared for the expedition weeks ago but something else had come up that caught her off guard.
Her chronic illness had never quite gone into remission. It had quieted down a lot but it was still active. The symptoms were a little different than what she was used to, she had nausea which was not common for her at all, she felt pretty good and she had attacks of insomnia which never used to happen to her. She didn’t know what exactly was going on as her Crohn’s made her more tired then anything so she had to go see the doctor.
It wasn’t her chronic illness that was bugging her now. Lena had just returned from an early morning doctor’s appointment getting an ultrasound done to see what was up. She hated getting those done, having her pelvis turned into a slip and slide, especially the part where they lubed up the transducer and slipped it into her internally but she had no choice. The notary had confessed her week long sex-a-thon with her sex buddy and the dates lined up exactly. In her older age she did conceive, her uterus was occupied with a tenant.
Lena was twelve weeks along, having missed most of the symptoms because she did not pay attention to them at all. James was in Virginia, she was trying to distract herself with other things, mainly the Grant estate to mentally get away from her problems. Marrying James for everything but love felt like she was betraying what marriage actually stood for, though the fact she’d conceived out of wedlock was nothing new so she could bear it better. Even giving birth in wedlock was nothing special as far as she was concerned.
That night after she changed into her pajamas, Lena noticed that her belly was just starting to peek out a little bit but it would never be noticed. It was mainly bloat anyway, the hormones tended to slow down her digestion. Her pregnancy was a bit of a surprise to her but she knew that James was definitely dad material, she could be happy she was giving him a child at least even if she didn’t love him.
Right now he was not able to take or receive electronic communication, being out on maneuvers and he would be unreachable for several months so Lena did not bother to try to get in touch with him. It would be a nice surprise for when he got back six months from then in March when she would be full term and ready to pop one out for him. At least he had been the only one who was up front with her from the beginning.
Lying in her bed that night Lena thought more of Alan, wondering what he was up to, if he still thought of her and if he regretted what he’d said the last time they were together. She seemed indelibly fixed in his mind as the permanent troublemaker, the one who would destabilize everything that he’d worked for. Lena wasn’t that, she could not help it if her autism made everything ten times harder for her, she wasn’t trying to be an obnoxious bitch.
Alan never could seem to realize just how hard things were for her, he never got that message, he never gave her the grace that she really needed. What frustrated her to no end was his insistence on treating her like everyone else which would never work. Autistics needed extra time and understanding, he had to really understand how her mind work and he continually proved the fact that he had little idea of what was going on. He was being quite arrogant about the whole thing and the fact that he dumped on her at the end of their time together really was the final straw.
Even though she hated his guts now Lena could admit to herself that there was still some love for him in her mind. He’d been so gentle with her when she was sick, they’d had lots of constructive conversations, they’d been friendly. It was quite an injustice, him throwing all of that out the window in order to bash Lena to a bunch of kids who were talking shit about her. Alan had failed the acid test of friendship-defending her to a bunch of kids would not have been that hard but he was two faced and just couldn’t do it. Now she was wondering about how many times he had talked shit about her behind her back she didn’t know about.
Lena blinked slowly as a wave of sadness hit her. Unanswered questions filtered through her mind: Was he sorry he said those things? Did he ever think of her anymore? Did he miss her? The notary thought about how words hurt people in the most unimaginable ways, reminding herself that she never once went to his level. She didn’t talk smack about him behind his back; maybe he had been acting defensively to deflect their smart ass remarks?
It didn’t matter anymore just like he’d proved that she never mattered to him. Tears coursed down her face as she remembered that they had a friendship once, it had been mutually empowering, they used to talk and joke together, then Alan burned it down in a second. Unfortunately he never did think before he spoke at all. The priest was just so used to getting his way, burning bridges, thinking that his word was absolute, narcissistic, he’d throw anyone under the bus to make himself look good.
What still bothered her was that she still loved him to a degree and it was making her crazy. Alan never reached out, probably simmering still in his anger like men tended to do, and she was still upset he’d verbally attacked her.
Unfortunately some wounds were permanent even if they did heal over to a degree.
**
In the morning Lena felt a little better. She got into the shower, washing her hair, giving her body a thorough clean, then dressed for a half day of work at the courthouse. The notary caught sight of the latest church bulletin with Alan’s byline and portrait picture but she ignored it, calling the couple forward to get their civil ceremony done.
The couple were so happy to have their vows done in the legally affirming way, the bride blushing happily, the groom was beaming at her throughout the service, they were everything that was missing during Lena’s own ceremony. She had stood stone faced while James smiled gently, knowing that displays of emotion were not her thing at all. Lena had to remind herself that her life wasn’t ending, they were not living together, they were not privy to each other’s money, it was just a legal thing.
The notary signed off on the marriage certificate, giving them an embellished copy then took her leave of the courthouse. She had to drive to the neighboring town in order to file the paperwork which was about twenty minutes away. Lena attested to the marriage, signing her name, her commission expiry date, then left the courthouse for the day.
The next time she was due in the courthouse would be in three days’ time so Lena took her chance to go clothes shopping. Her figure would start to change soon so she bought a few things to stock up on, then went on home. On her way at a stoplight, Lena saw Alan in his car, not looking at her, though she had to drive out in front of him in order to get back to her apartment. She reacted like she always did, solidly, no expression on her face at all.
**
Depressed, Lena got out of her car in the parking lot, a small canvas bag with her new purchases in one hand, sunglasses and keys in the other. The notary could see that the sun was starting to go down on the horizon so she took a moment to admire it, pink and gold blending together harmoniously while navy started encroaching on the sky. Her apartment complex was on the quieter side of town, away from the interstate on ramp and every unit had some kind of view of the sunset. The complex was fairly new, barely five years old but the rates were quite reasonable so Lena was sold on it.
Her apartment was only a one bedroom so when her baby came she would have to move or have James take it. That was awhile in the future, Lena wasn’t going to bother about it now, she knew that she was past the miscarriage danger point and everything seemed copacetic. Locking the car, Lena went up to her unit, stripped the tags off the new clothing and put it all away.
Halloween week was starting that day, it was still a little unseasonably warm so Lena took off her work pants, the tan chinos she loved so much, her white blouse and burgundy blazer, hanging them back up in the closet. Her clogs went in the closet, she pulled out her jeans, hiking boots, a blue sleeveless t-shirt with a V neck, and her green khaki jacket. Removing her dangling earrings Lena affixed a pair of studs, pulled her hair back into a ponytail, then appraised herself in the mirror.
“Not bad for someone who might be going to their death out there,” she meant the old estate. Lena had hedged on going for several weeks, knowing it was likely a death trap but now she felt like she had to go. The notary was feeling reckless, adventurous, like she had to do something. “as Alan used to say surviving was no way to live, you had to thrive but I don’t know how to thrive, I just make the same mistakes over and over again. If I don’t survive the trek out there he’ll be just as happy to finally be rid of me for good. After all, you’re not human if you can’t love.” she smirked sarcastically.
Alan had always been fond of saying that, digging at her every time. Living without love was a kind of hell, Lena had been glad he’d finally understood that about her. She did live without love and the people she did kind of love had been no good to her. The notary thought she was absolutely cursed as far as being human went-all she did was get it wrong anyway. Alan didn’t like her because she was so unpredictable though Lena had countered that normal people were boring. She acted impulsively because she was bored and needed new things to keep her distracted from her own misery of living.
“Dan?” Lena called her friend. “I know you’re still friendly with Alan and I don’t want you telling him what I did,” she outlined her marriage of convenience and her pregnancy. “I still love that uptight old ass but don’t give him any intel on me.”
“I won’t but what are you calling me for?”
“You know we talked about the Grant estate? Well, I’m going tonight to decipher what happened there.”
“Are you out of your mind? Putting you and your unborn in danger for what?”
“Adventure! Everything’s in my fireproof safe just in case.” she hung up, putting her phone on vibrate as she picked up her backpack, slung it on, then walked out the door.