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It’s been said time and time again that personal feelings should not get in the way of a mission. It’s common sense and logic; it’s the brutal truth of the matter. That’s just the way shinobi operate— the way shinobi should operate, a standard Naruto has lived his life miserably failing to achieve, and so: throw it all to hell, and do it his way it is.
Is that why Sai’s insult about Sasuke sets his blood boiling on fire? Because who the hell is Sai to be saying anything about Sasuke?
“A traitor,” Sai says, with that perfectly insincere, fake smile plastered onto his face, and Naruto seethes. Sai is far from the first person to brand Sasuke as a traitor— he isn’t stupid, he knows what people whisper about and what people say and knows that some people never badmouth Sasuke in his presence because they care about him enough to not mention him, and others… well, Naruto isn’t stupid.
There are plenty of people in Konoha who still look at him and say, monstrous child. Stay away from him. Plenty of people who resent that Sarutobi’s influence is what kept him from starving to death, or something. Kyuubi’s rage simmers beneath his skin, often.
(It’s not really a lie, he’ll later come to learn, but some part of it is his own, and everyone present during the mission to rescue Gaara has been kind enough to not bring up the furious screams and accusations that had flown out of him when they had finally retrieved Gaara’s lifeless body.)
(He forgives them, he does. Staying angry forever does no good for anyone.)
(Even so—)
It’s just as well that Sakura beats him to the punch by slamming her fist square into Sai’s face. Naruto’s own rage cools down with surprise and apprehension at the sheer strength Sakura possesses, but when she turns back, her stormy expression reflects a wrath as potent as his own.
He doesn’t want to play nice with Sai, a stupid, insensitive jerk who doesn’t know the first damn thing about Sasuke, acting like he fits in with their team at all, like there’ll ever be anyone Naruto— and Sakura— will ever work with better than Sasuke, like Team Seven will ever be anyone else but the three of them and Kakashi. No, that spot belongs to Sasuke, and—!
He goes along with it anyway, because Yamato is a scary guy. And, above anything else, the mission has to carry on if they want to get Sasuke back.
At least he gets a good time and a good meal over it.
“Naruto,” Sakura says quietly, “you… you don’t have to argue with Sai all the time, you know. At least try to be civil.”
“You’re not any better, Sakura-chan!” he protests.
Sakura sighs and says nothing else, her hands curling into fists. Naruto kind of feels bad for saying that, but it’s true. Neither of them can stand Sai, and the two of them have always, always stood together in defense of Sasuke.
… maybe not always, he remembers, but long enough. Thirteen-year-old Naruto would hardly have believed Sakura would punch a guy in the face and tear into him for running his mouth without knowing a single thing about how Naruto feels. Fifteen-year-old Naruto feels a weird kind of warmth when he thinks of it. Happiness, he identifies it as.
(Like with most things, despite how much he tries to not think about it, he wonders for a brief moment what Sasuke would think of that. Probably wouldn’t believe it…)
Sai glances at them over his shoulder, expression as blank as it always is when he isn’t putting on his fake smile. Naruto scowls back at him. He refuses to feel bad for letting Sai hear that.
And, later, his weaknesses laid bare and helpless frustration and rage flooding him:
“I’ll do anything to get Sasuke back, even if it means cooperating with you,” and he finds it’s easier to commit to it if he keeps the thought of Sasuke floating somewhere near the forefront of his mind. There’s a clear path to take here: wait for Yamato’s signal, leap in to capture the informant spy, force him to tell them where Sasuke is, and then go get him.
Even Naruto knows it’s not that easy. Nothing ever is, but he has to believe he can do it. He does believe he can do it. What else is there left to believe in if not that?
A repeated loop in his head: wait, ambush, find Sasuke; wait, ambush, find Sasuke. Three years of training have got to mean something, right? Three years of relentless training, refining his jutsu, learning what he could from Jiraiya. Three years of training to keep his promise to Sakura: that he’ll bring back Sasuke no matter what.
It’s his weakness that allows him to sink into the depths of rage, his weakness that allows Kyuubi’s power to seep to the surface and the blinding, white-hot fury in his bones— he has to get Sasuke back, he has to, more than anything he wants in the world it’s to get Sasuke back— he has to hold onto this bond, three years of holding onto it as tightly as he can, terrified Sasuke would break it first.
(Two years ago: startling awake from a dream so violently it had taken Jiraiya off-guard, so scared that he’d ended up spilling his guts out onto the floor in front of him: Ero-sennin, what if Sasuke’s gone and died somewhere? What if Orochimaru or someone else’s hurt him and he’s died? He’s all alone.
Jiraiya had looked at him with uncharacteristic seriousness and asked: do you believe that Sasuke is truly that weak?
And Naruto’s immediate answer had been no! Of course not. Never. I couldn’t stop him because he’s so much stronger than me. Something he never would have admitted at age twelve. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t scared. As strong as Sasuke was, he was only a genin— and Orochimaru is Orochimaru, and, and… a million what-ifs. What’s he going to say to Sakura if Sasuke is gone before he gets him back?
Then, Jiraiya said, train harder. Become stronger.)
It’s—
Naruto knows Sai isn’t technically wrong. Naruto has been so, so angry and betrayed these three years; how dare Sasuke do this to them. To him. Leaving him and Sakura just like that; saying that Naruto is his best friend before just— fucking off. For all that he’s dead-set on bringing Sasuke back, he knows that no one would blame him if he admitted to that anger.
Has he forgiven Sasuke for any of it yet?
He doesn’t really know. He isn’t sure he’ll know at all until he has Sasuke in front of him; maybe he does forgive Sasuke… that feels a little closer to the truth, because somehow, somewhere in his heart, he understands the disdain for Konoha. He thinks he understands it, because he remembers his first mission outside of Konoha, and the sensation of eyes lingering on him being only vaguely curious and not at all judgmental or hateful. A curious sensation.
Naruto forgives Konoha for his childhood, he forgives everyone for all of it, because he doesn’t have it in him to just— fester in it. He’s done with his days of causing trouble in the village just for the hell of it, seeking attention only a spare few would give him. Isn’t it easier to bridge that gap and just make friends instead? Easier to show them all that he is a pretty awesome ninja, actually, and that he will become Hokage one day?
If he can forgive Konoha for it—
Does he forgive Sasuke for everything he did, then? Questions better saved for another time, he decided in the end, long before his training with Jiraiya came to an end; something to decide when he has Sasuke in front of him so he can punch the jerk in the face until he apologizes and stops chasing after his own end in the name of revenge.
Until he comes back. Until he stays by Naruto’s side, and they can go back to how they used to be— stupid arguments and fistfights and all.
He’ll do anything, anything to get Sasuke back—
But he’s weak. What the hell did three years of training amount to?
Sai has to help him hobble out of the crater. His body, still trembling from the aftereffects of letting Kyuubi run loose, doesn’t recover quite as fast as the others do from Sasuke’s new and improved Chidori.
(How did he come up with that? When did he come up with that? Is it something Kakashi can already do, or did Sasuke come across the idea by himself? Compared to Naruto’s improved Rasengan that still needs a shadow clone, this version of Chidori is—)
“Naruto?” Sakura calls from the surface. She looks pale. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine!” Naruto insists. He hates how his voice wavers, still. He’s leaning pretty heavily on Sai, who doesn’t complain. “Just… give me a minute, I’ll be right there.”
“It’s fine to cry,” Sai says suddenly, leading him around the loose rocks that threaten to unbalance them as they clamber up the walls with what little chakra Naruto has left to utilize in him. “Sakura-san is right, crying won’t bring him back, but you have so many emotions all the time. It’s fine to express them.”
Naruto squints at him, says, “the hell is that supposed to mean?” and then nearly loses his footing. Gritting his teeth, he focuses harder, determined to make it out of this at least. He will not let Sai or Yamato carry him out of here. That’d be beyond embarrassing.
“You’re so full of emotions,” Sai explains calmly, “and you have no hesitation in showing them regardless of what you feel at the moment. I envy that.”
Naruto genuinely has no idea what to say to that. He’s wrung out and stretched thin, tired and exhausted and so, so angry at himself and yet he just— he doesn’t want to cry anymore. That half a minute he spent crouched on the ground sobbing because he’s so weak and he couldn’t save Sasuke and he knew it was more than enough.
Sai, being Sai, doesn’t pressure him for an answer. He helps Naruto up the last stretch and holds onto him until they reach Sakura and Yamato, and he doesn’t let go. It’s weird, Sai being this nice, but Naruto will take what he can get. At the rate he’s going, he’ll need more than a few more comrades, even if it’s fucking Sai.
“Naruto…” Sakura looks him over and her expression does something weird, like she’s going to start crying. Naruto can’t handle most people’s crying on a normal day, and he’s not going to be able to handle Sakura crying right now. They both look like someone’s killed their best friend, probably.
(It’s close enough to being accurate.)
“Sakura-chan,” he smiles, “don’t look at me like that. A bit of rest, and I’ll be fine. Honest!”
“Naruto,” she starts, and then drops it. It’s useless, they both know it.
On Yamato’s orders, they manage to make it a couple hundred meters away from the remains of the hideout, into the forest— Naruto forces himself to make the short sprint by himself, without using anyone as a crutch— before he says they’ll rest here until the next morning. Naruto and Sakura sit together at the base of a tree, their bedrolls laid next to each other. Neither of them protest when Sai sits down next to them, on Sakura’s other side.
Naruto’s head throbs. He’s been angry at Sasuke this entire time, and that was fine. Sasuke has some nerve, doing this, but at the same time, Naruto thinks of Orochimaru, and Kabuto, and he just— he feels such potent rage and hate that it feels like tar coats his lungs. They took Sasuke away, they took advantage—
Has he forgiven Sasuke for any of it?
“Sai, you were right,” Sakura says, breaking the stillness between them. The shadows of the forest have begun to lengthen as the sun dips lower in the sky. “Sasuke-kun did betray us. He did leave us—”
“But—!” Naruto protests, defensive instinct surging in him all at once.
“I’m angry at him, too!” Sakura snaps. Naruto closes his mouth.
Anger is a very, very familiar emotion on Sakura. Naruto knows it as well as he knows anything else he’s learned about Sakura. Even so, he has nothing to say, because he did think Sakura wasn’t angry. All he’s ever seen on her since Sasuke left is immense sorrow and heartbreak. In hindsight… Sasuke made her cry so much. It was stupid of Naruto to just assume she wasn’t furious too, he realizes way too late.
Naruto’s eyes burn again, throat aching in that telltale way. He misses Sasuke, damn it all. Even when he’s fuming. Even when Sasuke had just tried to kill him. Sakura’s arm is still trembling from the injury Naruto had given her in Kyuubi-mode and the burst of electricity from the Chidori. Naruto’s entire body feels like it’s too hot and too cold all at once.
Sakura takes a deep, shaky breath, grounding herself. Naruto follows her example, stubbornly refusing to let tears fall yet again. “That doesn’t mean we’re giving up on him,” she says. Her voice is tired, yet it holds all the conviction in the world. “We’re going to get stronger together, and—” her voice breaks.
Naruto’s own voice sounds pathetically smaller than he wants it to sound when he says, “Yeah. We will. We’ll drag him back kicking and screaming if we have to, that jerk.”
“I’ll help you, too,” Sai adds, quietly. “I mean it.”
For a moment, it’s silent, neither of them knowing what to do with Sai’s sincerity. A marked difference from just a day ago, when they’d both been prepared to pummel him into next Sunday. People change, he’d echoed Kabuto. It looks like that change is really going to stick.
“Thank you, Sai,” Sakura is the first to say. “We… we appreciate it.”
Naruto doesn’t have it in him to throw in more than an agreement, but he leans against the tree trunk and stares off into the distance, already thinking of all the different ways Sasuke has outdone him yet again. Time apart has changed so much about him… but in some ways, he’s still the same.
(Naruto misses him, and he hates that this feeling is so— so sticky.) (He meant it when he said Sasuke is his friend. Even if Sasuke is determined to act like he isn’t.)
The shadows lengthen further, and Sai moves forward to help Yamato start a campfire. Naruto falls asleep listening to Sakura’s breathing even out next to him, and the crackling of the fire, bringing forth the image of Sasuke’s body flickering with lightning.