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Everytime Kyungmin saw something that looked like a four leaf clove, every time the clock hit 23:23, every time someone brushed a stray lash from his cheeks and told him to make a wish his wish would be “i wish for family to be healthy and i wish that all my loved ones could live forever.”
To him, life didn't have meaning if it meant leaving the world someday, without even knowing that you're living your last day on earth.
He didn't like the idea of death nor what happens after it. So he always isolated himself from these conversations.
Ever since he was little, hearing the word “death” come out of anyone's mouth his heart would hurt in that familiar way only he knew how to explain. His body would tremble and he'd just disappear to his room.
His mother never knew why his face would go from completely normal to snow white the moment death was brought up.
His dad thought it was just a simple phase, everyone's scared of death at some point, right?
His mother on the other side worried about him. She needed to let him know that nothing, even the bad moments last forever, everything usually returns to its normal state.
She countlessly tried to talk to him about this, but being the stubborn little shit he was, he just blocked his eyes and avoided eye contact.
He was scared, scared of the day that he would he see his last 7 minutes play, and just die. Everything would turn black and he'd just become a person people used to know.
He hated it, he wished there was a cure to mortality, he wanted to find it, wanted never to die. Wanted to see the world change, for the worst, for the better. He just wanted to live not for 60, 70, 80 years but for an unknown number, something that would surpass three digits.
Even after he got older, he never stopped thinking about it.
Losing people terrified him to the core. Having to say goodbye to his loved ones made him cry himself to sleep at night.
The day before his grandfather died, he dreamt of it, images vivid in his head, like a real happening and not just a dream but when he woke up everything was quiet.
He still remembered that day. His mother woke him up, telling him to go straight to his grandmother's place. Because he won't be going to school today.
Despite his young age, he knew to spot bad news, knew to see when his mother was lying to him and when she told the truth.
Something ugly settled in his chest as he walked to his grandmother's place. She was alone, it was still pretty early, but she was awake. Another thing he found strange.
Nobody told him anything, everyone acted like the world was full of sunshine and rainbows, like his world wouldn't get crushed by 4 simple words.
7 hours in, his mother arrived. Voice steady despite the trembling in her eyes.
“Your grandfather has died” she said, closing her eyes, letting the tears fall as Kyungmin stared blankly into her soul.
Then, as if he said nothing at all, he replied “i know. I know mom.”
His eyes, weren't teary, his body didn't freeze. He just felt empty, like he lost a spark of who he was.
…
Ever since that day, the thought of losing someone, especially someone close to him, made him want to bury himself into a pillow and scream his lungs out.
It gnawed at his mind that everything, everything comes to an end. A cruel end where you never win. Because, the ground always swallows you whole.
Now, in his second year of college, with an amazing boyfriend, he tried to shove that thought in the back of his mind completely.
He couldn't be thinking about death, couldn't be scared about it. Hanjin needed him, his family needed him. He couldn't just stay in the corner of his dorm room 24/7 just researching about death and possibilities of living forever.
So he started small. Not anything big. Usually, he didn't give a flying fuck about his grades. I'm gonna die anyway that's what he thought.
But now, after finally getting some sense knocked into him, he decided to start doing for more, not for anyone but himself.
It's never too late to get his life together, even if he died tomorrow, he'd still try, and that should count, right?
It didn't take long for Hanjin to notice the change, he of course didn't say anything. But the way, the corners of his lips would curve the minute he walked in Kyungmin studying told everything.
Kyungmin, felt alive. He realised that economics were actually really interesting. He started giving meaning to everything, even the little plant he'd see outside his dorm window.
He started memorising dates like his first date with Hanjin, or when they had their first kiss.
Cooking wasn't bad either. Something about mixing such simple ingredients as eggs flour and milk and creating 1000 new recipes. This bread, that bread, spongecake, tiramisu, everything almost went the same way and he enjoyed every part of that.
Life, for the first time, didn't feel like an empty void waiting to be swallowed by a big black hole. It felt like, a flower blooming quietly, every day making progress even if it was as small as a seed.
Suddenly, his motivation wasn't that he couldn't do anything because his life will end eventually, it was because his life was ending some times that he got to do these things. It was the end that gave life meaning.
If everyone lived forever, where would be the joy of everything. Yeah, you could spend every day forever with your partner and family, whoever you want but when everything had an expiration date, you learnt to appreciate it more, love it more and that's what matter.
Nobody can promise forever, that's the only thing that's impossible in this world. But you can't stop yourself from enjoying every day things just because of it. Let the end be the reason you move forward, not the reason you give up completely.
As Kyungmin was in his thoughts, Hanjin suddenly started looking at him. Quietly, attentively. As if observing something that he could never learn fully.
“I'm proud of you Kyungmin, and i want you to know that.”
Hearing those words from Hanjin made him nervous in a way he had never been before. Yeah, he and Hanjin were together for over a year, but this was the first time Hanjin had looked at him with so much gentleness in his eyes. And no matter the time they have left, Kyungmin would cherish this untill the day he couldn't anymore.
Kyungmin pressed a quick peck to Hanjin's lips as he looked up at the sky. The stars were shining quietly into the night as the cold breeze rushed through them.
You don't need a forever when moments like these are more beautiful than forever could ever offer and that's what made Kyungmin keep going, with less fear each and every day.