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Light streamed in through the window as I blinked my bleary and dazed eyes, still deep in the throes of sleep in a soft bed that cradled me, begging me to fall back into the abyss of unconsciousness, but I couldn't.
I sat up quickly, black dots lining my vision, as I looked around the room I was in. It wasn't familiar, not in a way that I knew where I was.
In fact, I had no idea where I was. Or even who I was.
Oh god. Oh god, no.
I felt sick immediately, pulling the blanket off of me and standing in the room, turning in circles as I looked for something familiar, something to tell me who I was or what the hell was happening to me.
"Just breathe," I spoke lowly to myself, grasping my shirt on my chest into a tight fist. "I'm sure there's an explanation for this."
First things first, I decided. I need to find other people. I need to find someone who knows what is going on.
I was wearing just a shirt, one that had a science pun on it, and boxers. One of my arms was burned to a crisp, littered in thick scar tissue, while the other was fine except for a small three pronged burn in it. I had no idea where either came from, but clearly I'd been in an accident. Maybe that's why I couldn't remember?
Either way, I needed answers, but I wasn't doing it in boxers. I had some class still. There was a pair of sleep pants, ones decorated with molecules on them, on the floor, so I pulled them on, hoping that the owner wouldn't be too mad if they weren't mine. I didn't bother with a jacket, instead bundling the patchwork blanket over my shoulders as I stepped out of the room into the house.
None of this was familiar to me, none of it rang a bell. Everything was just a big question mark that grew larger by the second.
"Okay," I said, speaking aloud to myself. "Let's get the facts straight. I don't know my name. I don't know where I am. That indicates a type of retrograde amnesia, so no new memories form after an accident, because of course I know that, but not my own name," I muttered with a chuckle, shaky hands tangled in the soft fabric of the blanket.
I scanned the room around me, but nothing had any clues as to who I was or where I was, so it was time for me to step outside with the hopes that there would be answers there.
I didn't even bother with shoes, instead opening the door and taking in the beautiful view of the beach that surrounded me. There wasn't a single other house in sight. I was alone.
Maybe this is something like that village in the Netherlands for people with dementia, I thought to myself, stepping down into the coarse sand, letting it mold around my feet as I took step after step.
Maybe this is meant to mimic a place I knew at one time. I just really need to find someone who works here or knows me, I decided.
Gingerly, I stepped closer and closer to the water until I was in it, the waves drenching the bottoms of my pants with saltwater that I could taste on the breeze that blew, forcing me to wrap the blanket tighter around myself.
This place was beautiful, truly. It made me feel a little calmer, even when I didn't know who I was or where I was. If nothing else, I could at least be confident that I was somewhere on Earth and, given that I was thinking in English, likely somewhere in either the United States or Europe. Well, geography was intact, so memory recall was working okay for semantic memory, just not long-term.
Shutting my eyes, I tilted my head back, letting the wind whip around me as I breathed deeply, salt forever staining my skin and throat, engraining itself into my very being and I let it, hoping that maybe, just maybe, it would bring a memory or a clue of who I was to the surface.
"♫♬♪♪," a string of notes rang out from behind me, but somehow, confusingly, my brain translated it into a phrase, a name. Grace?
Was that my name? Was that me?
If nothing else, it was someone who could help me right now. Maybe they knew me. Maybe they could explain what was going on.
Turning around slowly, my brain froze and my heart raced, pounding in my chest like a drum, as I took in the pile of cobble before me. It was a rock with 5 legs, covered in a thin plastic-like layer, that sounded like a goddamn organ, one that I could understand for some reason.
"♪♩♬♬♫♩♩♫♬♫♩," the small creature sounded out again, tilting it's body as it looked at me. Are you okay? Why are you out here?
"What the fuck?" I swore out, my feet stumbling back as I attempted to put space between me and whatever this was. "Shit!" I yelled, tripping and falling backwards into the water, cold rippling through my body as I sputtered water, gasping for air.
"♬♫♩♫♩♪♩♪♩♫♬," the creature shrieked at me, my heart hammering in my chest. Grace! Just breathe! It's okay.
"S-stay back!" I stuttered out, my chest rising and falling quickly as I put a hand out, begging and pleading for whatever this thing was to keep it's distance.
I watched at it stiffened, understanding me clearly too, and backed away, giving me more room as the water continued to come up and hit my back, drenching me and my blanket even further.
"♩♪♩♪," okay, it agreed. "♩♪♩♪♬♫♩♬♫♩♫♫," just please, get out of the water. I can explain everything.
Something about it made me want to trust it - him? was it wrong to gender them? - so I relented, despite my fear and crawled out of the water, holding the blanket tightly around me, keeping my eyes on them the whole time.
"♬♬♫♩♬♫♬♫♩♪♪♪," they said gently, using one of their legs to gesture me to follow them. Please, follow me. You need to get changed first, Grace.
"Is… is that my name?" I asked hesitantly. "Is Grace my name?"
"♩♪," they agreed. Yes.
Okay, that was good. I had a name now. Grace. It felt like me, it felt right.
Keeping a bit of distance, I followed the alien - calling them a creature felt wrong since they were clearly intelligent and something deep inside me told me I knew them. They looked like a pile of rubble, so I guessed I'd called them Rocky for now, at least until they told me their name. Together, we made our way back to the house I'd woken up in, one that was unfamiliar and terrifying to be in alone.
"♬♬♫♪♩♬♬♫♩♩♫♪♩♬♬♫," they demanded, pointing to the bedroom I had started my day in. Get changed, then we talk. I'll explain everything. There's a basket in the closet for clothes.
I simply nodded, trusting Rocky for now. I had no other choice and they seemed to know enough about me to help me. If they wanted to hurt me, they would have done it already, or at least I hoped they would have.
Pulling off the sopping wet clothes, I pulled on another science pun shirt and plain black pajama bottoms. Was I really this much of a nerd? Digging through the other clothes gave me a resounding yes for an answer.
I dropped the wet ones, including the blanket, into the basket in the closet, right where Rocky said it would be. Before I exited the room again, I grabbed another blanket, a soft knit one of a material I couldn't place, but for some reason, my brain was screaming at me that it was xenon, despite xenon being a gas and not a solid. Whatever. I'd sort that out later.
With the new blanket around me, one that brought me comfort like a hug from a loved one, I stepped back into the main room where Rocky was waiting, a towel in their hands - claws? - from wiping up the water I tracked in.
"Come sit," they said gently, patting the couch for me before backing away, giving me plenty of room to keep my distance from them.
I obliged, my gaze staying fixed on them the whole time as they sat across the room from me, a reasonable and comfortable distance that my body hated even though my mind didn't know why. Something in me wanted to just pull them close to me and never let go. Something in me wanted to seek solace and comfort in their touch.
"So… What is going on?" I began, chewing on my lips as I spoke. "Who are you? Where am I? What even are you? How did you get here?" My mouth spoke just as fast as my mind was racing, questions falling out faster than I could process them myself.
"Quiet," the alien chirped gently, putting a leg up to stop me. "My name is Rocky, I am a good friend of yours, Grace. You are home," they reassured me. "We are on my planet, Erid, not Earth. I know you're scared right now and don't know what's happening, but I will explain everything."
Somehow, I had gotten their name right. At least I had that going for me, but I still had more questions than answers.
"I'm not on Earth?" I asked. "But… the beach, the air outside-"
"Built for you," Rocky explained. "You went to space many years ago in search of a cure for the star eater."
"Astrophage," I breathed out, my mind beginning to fill in the blanks. "Oh god. Project Hail Mary."
"Yes," Rocky confirmed. "You met me there, at Tau Ceti, the unaffected star, and we helped each other to save our stars. Earth is okay and alive, I promise. There was an accident on my way back after we both began to go home," they explained, notes growing low and sad as they spoke. "You gave up your chance to go home for me, to save me and my planet, even though you wouldn't have enough food for the trip here without issues."
"So how am I alive?"
"You rationed food, grew small and weak. Your mind suffered for it near the end and you did not remember much often," Rocky said and I felt my heart drop. I couldn't remember it, but it hurt. "Between the trip here and the coma and the drugs, your mind never fully recovered. You are fine most days, but some days, you are like this."
"What do you mean?" I asked, my voice rising in confusion and fear. "Coma? Drugs? Why the hell can't I remember you?" I nearly screamed, tears beginning to fall down my face. "I didn't ask for this," I sobbed, letting my face fall into my hands.
"You never asked for this," Rocky confirmed, slowly approaching me like a wild animal, giving me the chance to tell them no or move away.
I didn't. Instead, I moved down to the floor, letting their legs wrap around me as I held them tight, my arm and scar burning in recognition.
I may not have known them, but my body and soul did. This was right. I trusted them and I loved them, dearly.
"I'm so sorry, Grace," they apologized, rubbing a leg up and down my back as I hiccuped. "Do you want me to tell you the rest or just leave it?"
"I need to know," I whispered. "Please."
"You didn't go on the Hail Mary willingly," Rocky said gently, pulling me closer as I stiffened. I couldn't recall it, but I knew I didn't go of my own volition. "You were drugged and put into a coma to get you on it. The drug wiped your memory so you wouldn't remember being forced."
"How… How could they?" I broke down sobbing, head falling against Rocky's body as my tears dropped onto their suit. "Why?"
"All Earth versus one human. They thought one human was good trade. I disagree."
That explained everything. I was a coward and had thought myself more important than the lives of billions and the future of the human race. I had weighed the odds and decided that I needed to live more than everyone else did.
"It was a good trade," I disagreed. "Billions versus one coward. That's more than fair."
"Is not!" Rocky argued, running their claws through my hair, a soothing motion that made me relax instantly. "You are important, Grace. You should have been able to make your choice, not have it forced on you. And you are not a coward, just someone who wanted to live. There's no shame in wanting to live."
I sobbed harder now, curling around Rocky's body entirely, the force of their love and affection for me hitting me full force.
"I love you," I admitted through my tears and gasping breaths. "I love you so much. I'm sorry I can't remember you right now, but I know you're important to me."
"No need to be sorry," Rocky assured me, continuing to pet my hair. "You know you can trust me and that's enough. Even if you didn't trust me, as long as you are safe, that's all that matters to me. I love you so much, Grace."
"I want to remember you," I lamented. "Please tell me I get my memory back. Please tell me that I'll remember you and everything else. Please."
"You will," they comforted. "You forget some days, but you remember everything the next."
"Will I remember this?"
"Yes. I wish you didn't sometimes. You get so scared, not trusting me sometimes, and I hate for you to remember that feeling. I hate that you feel guilty after for not trusting me."
"I want to remember this," I sniffled, nuzzling my head closer to Rocky. "I don't care if I get scared, I just want to remember everything with you in it. I don't want to forget again."
"I'll remind you as many times as I have to," Rocky promised. "I'm never leaving you alone, I'll never let you forget me and I'll never forget you either."
"I love you, Rocky. Thank you for caring for me."
"How could I not care for you, Grace? You are far too precious for me to not love you."
I may not remember everything about Rocky or how I got here or how I was even alive right now, but I knew that I loved Rocky and they loved me. That was enough and it was all I needed.