Work Text:
She sat on the study’s floor, no, maybe, kneeled would be a more appropriate phrasing. She kneeled on the study’s floor, holding the letters, she has found in this room
Maybe she shouldn’t do it in the first place, but she’d decided to clean the study a bit - after having to hear Alexander complain for weeks, about essentially the outcomes of his lack of organising skills and ignorance regarding his working conditions - and after initially (unsuccessfully) trying to get him, to tidy it up
She’d visited the study, with the intent of throwing away some truly unreadable drafts – Alex couldn’t make any use out of notes he couldn’t even read - organising the papers loosely laying around – as to help him find the stuff he would actually need, in case he’d search for them - and, okay, maybe as well, as some of the ones cluttering his drawers. It had just so happened that during so, she’s stumbled across a bunch of her husband letters, a particularly intriguing bunch...
They weren’t hers, though that wasn’t really the matter - it’s not like this particular person was someone forbidden from contacting her husband; quite the opposite actually. The problem however, laid in the content of their correspondence combined with its receiver – it could have been a rather pleasant letter, if it only hadn’t been addressed to her sister
She felt slightly guilty for brazenly reading Alexander’s private letters, not ever meant for her eyes, but did he even have the right to privacy, if it involved lying to her, especially over a matter so important?
Sure. It wasn’t anything that serious. Ugh, just a bunch of disgustingly too sweet words, over weeks... maybe months of their correspondence – out of all the possible scenarios, she could imagine, this one didn’t seem so bad, didn’t it? The thing is, it weren’t only the letters – she probably wouldn’t notice anything in them, that would unease her, if she hadn’t already been suspicious regarding their relationship
Alexander, the man, whose presence reassured her every time. The man with whom, she wanted to spend her whole life with. The man she freaking loved! The one, who swore his loyalty to her, that he threw away seemingly so easily
She couldn't help, but wonder, how much of what he said to her, he really meant. If he could lie to her, well, it wasn’t really a lie - it’s not like she ever asked about it, but she should never have to. Any scenario, in which she’d have a big, reasonable enough basis to bluntly question him about things of similar nature, was a scenario in which their relationship would probably not survive. This hopefully won’t be one of these, will it?
And Angelica, her sister, and her best friend – used to be best friend... The woman, she knew since she was born. The woman, she grew up with. The woman, she would have trusted with her life, maybe even more than her husband. The woman, she thought she knew so well. And what does she do? She turns into the secrecy. She blissfully reciprocates the teasing - obviously if Eliza accurately guessed it was Alexander who started it, but right know, she wasn’t as sure of it. Now that she thinks about it, Angelica always seemed to adore him, but so did her whole family. No maybe cherished was an expression that suited her better. She revelled in the affection she’d gotten from him, knowing damn well they were both crossing borders neither of them were allowed to? Knowing damn well, it would hurt her
Eliza knew she should feel angry. Or at least sad - anything really! She wanted to, she really did! Instead, all she got, was the sheer emptiness. The hole left in her chest by the heartbreak, they had subjected her to. She felt indifferent. She was hurt - of course, - but any painful felling's associated with the kind of hurt she experienced, seemed to hide under, she didn’t really know what. She felt, like the suffering she expected, had been separated from her by a thick glass. She could only see the distorted shapes and colours, and guess what the original must have look like... What it actually felt like, how it should feel
But what could it be? It seemed like she had got... used to the thought. That made her tear up. Was she really that comfortable with the notion of her husband not being fully committed to her?just her? Or was the peace – if she could even call it that - the reassurance, that she wasn’t just insecure, maybe even slightly paranoid. That she didn’t just question his trust without a real reason; right? She had previously felt bad for silently enquiring Alexander’s intentions. For thinking, there was a possibility he could betray her. For thinking he was always a little too eager to see Angelica, a little too excited to spend time with her, that he glanced at her just a little too often, that his lips lingered on her cheek for just a little too long
Is the indifference, how relief feels like? Could even such confirmation, be so freeing? That it wasn’t something she had just imagined.
Oh well, it wasn’t something she had just imagined...