Chapter Text
sasha felt his throat go dry with dread as soon as he ended the call, not trusting himself with giving up his only and exceedingly painful choice- which he was sure would be the case if he hadn’t, because hearing anton sob and plead over the phone- right before he was almost leaving him for good- made him doubt whether it would’ve been better for both of them if sasha were to tell everything that went down in his life to anton. hearing the boy he adored break down crying over such a seemingly small problem, which is his parents being mad at him per usual for his grades, made his heart wrench in regret- which he very well knew he didn’t deserve to feel- by imagining how anton’s reaction would differ to him leaving forever. would he cry like this? search everywhere for him, go to the cops with worry that would make his whole body shake? maybe he’d let it go when nothing would help to cease his sadness, choosing to forget his friend, erasing every little detail sasha had manufactured to hide himself from him to try and get better?
sasha sighed upon realizing that his thoughts were nothing but wishful thinking. anton, even though he was the sweetest person in the whole world to sasha, would be happy without him being around to annoy and distract him, leading him to a future that’d no doubt would be as empty as sasha’s. anton had nice parents at home who welcomed him with a warm meal every evening, he had good grades- even though anton himself was prone to worry about it- and a clear path ahead of him for his career and future family. anton didn’t think about ways to escape from something even he didn’t know, only being able to explain by the crushing feeling on his chest as all air left his body, making him tremble and lose his mind.
…sasha did. it made him rot from the inside rather quickly until then.
empty bottles of absolute vodka and other liquors of such were piled on the corner of his blanket, making a faint cluttering sound as sasha moved on the dirty fabric. small ziplock bags were clogging his half-open drawer near his bed- far enough not to look for, close enough to think about. all of them were empty and crumpled in disdain as if the person throwing them away was angry about their small longevity. the room reeked of deprecation, sasha just couldn’t bring anton and this miserable sight together. he had no right to dare and imagine his lovely ever accepting everything he dragged himself straight into so selfishly anyway.
sasha shivered and let go of the breath he didn't notice he was holding in as he took notice of a metal can shining under the dim glow of the streetlight outside his window. it was the one schwepps flavor anton liked and gave it to sasha to try it as well- since then, he kept the empty bottle to remember how the brunette stole a sip from it in a fit of laughter that always hit sasha’s ears, engraving itself deeper every time he heard it like a divine melody. if he felt a little more yearning towards the one he painfully obsessed over, he’d let himself take the can to his lips and dream about a distant image, where he deserved to be cared for by the only one he adored as his face warmed up with a mix of shame and longing. just like that quiet night in june, where he stared at his dearest antosha, devouring all his features and getting closer to him until he could count the freckles on his tanned cheeks, and-
...he was so dreadfully, horribly selfish. he loathed himself more than anything. as if not being able to sleep at night wasn’t enough punishment for the misery he put everyone through up until then, for the past few months, he felt acidic bile come up to his throat every time he tried putting his head to the pillow long torn by his shaking, paranoid hands. if it wasn’t for the fact that the white powder he oh so shamefully consumed by all means to the point of losing his consciousness entirely for hours at end, lying on the moldy floor that seemed equal to the rot inside his lungs, the vision of dirtying his painfully oblivious, beloved antosha would've surely killed him long ago.
he’ll be doing this for him. his only consolation of leaving this pit of rust, which was crawling down his intestines every minute past, was that anton would be finally free of him without having to be so awfully nice to him out of pity- the kind of pity you feel for a disheveled beggar on the side of the street in a cold winter night, or a whimpering dog you see on the highway that barely stands on its sickly slender legs, fur muddy and wet from the autumn rainfall. he’d be free of sasha’s stupid poems he changed every time he read them out loud to please anton, desperately trying to give him the underlying complacency behind the lines. he’d be free of the indecent jokes sasha coated with subtext so obvious that anyone beside the brown haired boy could understand from the second time he told one. he’d be free of his filthy body, clinging to him every time they were together, like a starved blood-sucking leech, trying to get some warmth and tacit, overly deluded love through anything he managed to get from anton.
he’d be free of sasha in all his obscenity, with his eyes as swollen and red as his viscid heart that maggots bit and crawled into, with his hair as ashen as the drugs he inhaled, with his dirty, stinking clothes that fell apart at the seams a bit more when he walked around after midnight to smoke, with his hands that were always cold and boney, the purple on his nails that grew darker than his eyebags since he lost his overcoat over a year ago, with his entire body that trembled with sobs when he couldn’t help himself but think about the closure of his misery that wrecked his bones in tremor, resembling the glass angel that shattered with his last hopes of redemption last summer. he wished he could crumble into pieces with the little statue that day. then maybe he wouldn’t be able to go to anton and let him see his pitiful state. he wouldn’t joke about faggots or read a poem about a stupid, lonely dog, and he wouldn’t lie in his bed and hug him close before betraying his trust forever.
..before everything could end for him forever.