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They’ve been at the zoo for four hours now, and Credence’s binder has been bothering him about the past two.
Credence is very good at making it appear as though nothing is wrong, as though he’s not in pain and he’s not having trouble breathing and he’s not thinking about how much he hates his body and wants to die because of it—Credence is very good at it, and maybe if he was with Newt right now, she would be able to tell something was up, but he’s with Percy, who cares a lot but is still getting to know Credence, still feels so weird about the age difference that even though he’s allowed to, he still feels bad examining the other man too closely.
They’re sitting in the pavilion nearby the big cat enclosures. Percy is looking down at his phone, writing an email, and Credence stares at him openly, ignores the burning sensation encompassing his abdomen, thinks about a time before, his mother, just after beating him within an inch of his life, rolling her eyes at the way he’s holding back tears, asking him, “You don’t like girls, do you, Chastity?” and Credence had thought about it then, thought about how, no, he didn’t like girls, but that didn’t make him straight. Thought about that, and thought about lying to her, telling her that he did like girls, wondering if maybe she’d kick him out so he’d finally be free of her, or if she’d simply kill him the next time she beat him.
“What are you thinking about?” Percy asks, drawing Credence out of his reverie.
“Oh! Um, nothing,” Credence says, blinking. If Newt had been here she would have immediately seen the lie and called him out, but even if Percy saw through it, he’s not yet comfortable questioning the things Credence says.
Speaking of Newt, she’s supposed to be meeting them here during her lunch break. Credence is considering getting out his phone and calling her when she walks up to them, dressed in her keeper uniform, hair pinned back messily.
“Credence! Percy!” she exclaims, waving her arms in the air. Percy grumbles at being called his first name, but doesn’t argue. “It’s so nice to see you, you will never guess what happened earlier, I—” she cuts herself off, briefly staring at Credence. “Actually, uh, I’ve just remembered! I need to speak with Credence alone for a moment. Sorry, Percy, if you’ll excuse us we’ll just be right back,” she says, and Credence knows he’s been found out. Once again he mourns the fact that Newt knows him so well, but he doesn’t argue when she motions for him to stand up and follow her to the corner of the pavilion.
“Credence, how long have you been wearing your binder?” She asks, bluntly because that’s just who she is.
Credence briefly considers lying, but he’s certain she would be able to see right through him, so he tells the truth. “Well… I took it off for a couple of hours around eight to shower and let myself breathe, and then wore it to bed last night, so… About fourteen hours, I guess.” Credence can’t look at Newt’s face, but knows she’s sporting some sort of sad look.
“Credence, you know you shouldn’t…” she trails off, not sure what to say.
“I know, but it’s so hard, Newt. They’re just… They’re just there! All the time! And there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m barely able to pay for hormones, let alone actual surgery, and if I’m going to be honest with you—” he spits the word honest like it’s a curse, “—it was either wear the fucking thing to bed, or… or cut myself until the thoughts stopped.” There’s silence for a moment. He still can’t look her in the face, when a sudden, horrible thought pops into his head. “You’re not… you’re not upset with me, are you?” He’s not sure he could handle Newt being upset with him, it’s only genuinely happened a few times and both those times were positively disastrous for his mental health.
“Oh, Credence,” Newt says, and very slowly raises a hand up as though approaching a wild animal. When he shows he’s okay with it, she tucks a strand of his hair behind his ear and runs her thumb across his temple. “Of course I’m not upset with you. I’m just worried! But you’re an adult, and I’m not going to judge you for harmful binding techniques if that’s what it takes to make you feel better. Just, be careful? And promise you’ll come to me if you need to? Also, perhaps consider slipping away to the bathroom to take it off for a few minutes and let yourself breathe.”
"Yeah,” Credence says, sighing. “Yeah, okay. I promise I won’t go too far, and if I do that I’ll let you know. I think I’ll do that after we eat lunch. I was going to go over to Percy’s house after we got done here because he wanted to introduce me to an old movie, but I can cut it short so I can go home and take my binder off for a while.”
Newt reaches up for a hug, and Credence steps into his arms. “You know he won’t care if he sees you without a binder, right?” she says quietly, face tucked into the space just below Credence’s ear. “Tina told me you’re the only person he’s seemed to care about this much in years.”
“I don’t…” Credence trails off, trying to find the words. “Doubt that, but I just…. Don’t think I’m ready for him to see that. Not right now, anyway.”
Newt nods. “I understand.”
They stand there hugging for a moment before separating and looking back at Percy. He’s sitting at their table quietly, trying to be as patient as possible, clearly pretending not to stare at them. They walk back together and sit down, and Credence’s chest still aches, but it’s in the back of his mind now.
“Everything okay?” Percy asks, and when Credence answers with, “Everything’s fine,” he finally feels like he’s not lying.