Chapter Text
Darkness was the only thing that could calm him down . It stayed the same , the same tones every night mixing with the moonlight , always there waiting for his company . It was the only thing that didn't change because it gave him the same weight on his shoulders every night . He didn't feel happy or comfortable , just safe because he knew it well .
Everyone and everything changed around him , trees were taken down , people moving away and new ones carrying boxes around , new nekos coming to his front door to replace the dead space of his insides , abandoned houses being taken down . It all upset him because he just got attached to the old and now it all changed for nothing . He himself was changing every day and he really hated that , to the better or to the worse , it didn't matter , it only mattered if the end was the same . If the night was the same everything was going to be okay , the night was the only thing dragging him back to life .
This time he couldn't sleep .
It didn't make sense , everything was okay during the day , everything went normal . Nothing unusual happened , he felt the same , he felt better 'cause he actually cooked something for himself instead of waiting all day until his parents came back home and made dinner . So why did just one picture affect him so much , just one related to an old hyperfixation he had a year ago . One picture of two characters that so happened to fall into his hands at the most disgustingly depressing period of his life , the two characters he put all his trauma and habits into just to feel better with himself in the moment , all the disgusting fetishes he had , everything . Those two distracted his mind every minute , they were all he wrote about , imagined , and thought as , he couldn't take the off his mind even if they constantly dragged him back to the loneliness of his own world .
He had finally grew out of it , got over the filth of content he consumed and made . It took months to slowly build up a healthier way to cope with his trauma and problems around other two characters , imagine a better way to comfort himself with actual affective fluff fanfictions rather than with the edgy problematic loop hole he had . And it was working so well and still is , he felt so happy and proud of himself for scaping the very thing that forced him to slice up his skin every night , but he just needed a little reminder of how shameful the same skin he's in was with itself . No matter how hard he scrubs his skin clean , the layer of dried cum , piss and blood he lived in for months still invaded his mind . It never went away , it still hunt him down . The nights he would spend reading and watching absolute shit , masturbating for hours until his insides twitched with so much pain that even pleasure couldn't cover , just because it felt good . And the next day he got up at three pm , nothing much happened out of being a fucking hypocrite online , being competitive over who's blog is more fucked up and lazying around with a dry throat . He didn't wanna go back .
He had just let go of that blog , waking up in the cold morning and letting go of the old habits , shamefully he was still attached to masturbating two times a day but at least not for the same reasons , it calmed him down . It was that or stealing cigarettes from his dad's pockets .
He didn't want to go back .
He couldn't afford going back .
He had tons of school lessons he needed to pick up with or he'll be taken away from home .
He couldn't loose everything that is him again .
He can't .
Or else all the suffering was useless .
Everything he went through couldn't just be seen as nothing .
It meant so much to him .
He can't go back .
It was so disgusting .
The blood still rotting and dry on the old house bathroom floor .
His blue pen writing saying " someone's rotting in here >///< " on the wall against the old bed .
The blood .
The two hours he spent everyday on the bathroom hiding at school .
He shoved his hands through his freshly washed long hair , scratching his scalp desperately as if it would go away if he dug his nails deep enough .
Stop being so fucking emotional over just a meaningless picture , it's stupid and ridiculous .
...
Everything you went through you did it to yourself .
The thought was so loud and aggressive as if it was someone else in real life right there yelling it at him . In response he let long whine that slowly turned into a ragged yell , as much intense the situation could get he couldn't cry , he just doesn't cry when he wants to , it's annoying , frustrating .
You think you can just blame it all to your groomer ?
You were the one who started it , you just chickened out and he took the front .
His head fell down against the blanket of his bed , trying to shrink himself as much possible so maybe his actions didn't ruin so many hearts . He let out a scoff then a dry whimper , he tried to be as loud as his thoughts , but it didn't shut them off , he needed someone . He couldn't be alone , or else he just might do something stupid . Relying on someone over again .
You are who must get blamed for everything .
He let go of his hair and rubbed his face , it normally calmed him down , but it didn't . He didn't know what else to do , his dad bought a bag of tobacco so he makes his own cigars in the minute , he doesn't have easy nicotine anymore , there's no more milk to heat up or chocolate to mix it with , cuddling his unicorn plushie would just leave more room for the intrusive thoughts . The next option was .. He shot his head to the side , his bedside table , bottom drawer . Inside was small notebooks , old lighters and a small metal box that once had lemon flavoured candy . He felt anxious butterflies in his stomach , the fear of somehow being caught thinking about breaking his six week record made the acid on his stomach boil . He looked away , covering his eyes with his hands . Relapsing isn't an option . He whispered to himself .
You deserved getting your room teared apart ,
forced to burn everything that ruined you though was proof of what affected the actions ,
getting pushed and yelled at by them ,
humiliated .
He gave up , falling into his thoughts rather than being vulnerable and relying on the one he hated so much . He laid down , pulling his knees up to his chest as he kept denying who he once was and drowned himself in these thoughts without an option . His eyes felt tired but didn't close , just stared at a spot on his blanket with a dead gaze , too focused in finding excuses to defend himself from practically no one but his own assumptions to fall asleep .
The countless persons that got affected by you .
You took all that rage into your only friend .
Now you feel betrayed because he doesn't check on you everyday like he used to ?
You're so arrogant .
You feel guilty for everything and everyone ,
you wish could just hang yourself here and now just by thinking of a misunderstanding ,
but you still don't do anything about it .
You're so selfish .
It's annoying how you still think you're the victim .
You aren't .
Ink is .
...