Work Text:
I take a seat on one of Nene’s beanbag chairs, we never usually host anything at Nene’s house, usually mine or Emu’s, occasionally Tsukasa’s, but never Nene’s.
I chose to ignore how Tsukasa was already there to greet me at the door when I came in, maybe he just happened to already be there… Even though there’s not an apparent reason for him to be, it’s surely got to be something normal. Perhaps they were practicing lines and called us over because they wanted to edit some lines? Suggest some plot changes?
No… That’s not important enough for them to call Emu over for…
“Rui, Emu… There’s something me and Nene want to tell you guys!” Tsukasa says timidly, for a moment I’m confused at the lack of volume.
Until I register what he actually said.
“Me and Nene—”
Tsukasa suddenly intertwines his fingers with the green haired girl next to him, “Me and Nene are dating again!” he beams, Nene smiles awkwardly as her guilty eyes briefly meet mine. I can see her hand tensely grip his hand tighter.
“Oh..! Uhm, wow, you guys, that’s great!” Emu says with a smile that doesn’t quite meet her eyes, Tsukasa however, just smiles as he embraces… his girlfriend. Not that bright happy smile he does when he’s on stage, just a smile.
“Thank you guys!” he beams without his usual volume, he acts like he’s saying it to both me and Emu, despite the fact he doesn’t dare look at me.
Nene looks so guilty there in his arms, all tense but still hugging him back, pressing her cheek to his chest, maybe it's more akin to her bittersweet victory. Victorious considering she’s wrapped in the arms of the guy I love. Bittersweet because she knows I love him. Could she just not resist taking him?
I don’t even know what to say to them at all, the way he wraps his lightly toned arms around her, I had a gut feeling I was running out of time—but this is so fast, blindsiding even. I really did think I had more time, I thought if I just pursued Tsukasa a little more, when we were so close—one last spell to make him love me—I’d get my happy ending.
But now I’ve got my eyes open, and I can see—Tsukasa and Nene. Nene, Nene who stole him from me, Nene who looks more guilty than in love, Nene who doesn’t dare look me in the eye.
“Well, congratulations to you two.” I say with a small smile, Tsukasa meets my eyes for the first time since we arrived, and his bright smile fades on the spot, watering down to a dull press of lips, no brilliantly whitened teeth in that smile as he pulls away from Nene.
I take a breath before getting out my chair, “Well, if that’s all I’ll be going now. I actually have dinner with my parents today, so.”
Tsukasa’s eyes widen before downcasting, “Ah, I see. Have fun then…”
I nod before leaving the house as quickly as possible. I've never been uncomfortable in the Kusanagi residence, in fact, it’s always been a house that brought me deep comfort.
Well, things change when the person who lives there snags the person you love.
I quickly walk over to my house as I lock the door behind me, for the first time ever, I wish I was further away from Nene’s house.
I go straight up to my room, not stopping off at the garage, just straight up to my room. I make sure to close the windows and the door as I plunge face first into my bed.
Where did I go wrong?
Did I push too hard?
Did I misinterpret something?
Did I get too jealous?
Did I give too much?
Did I give too little?
Did I overwhelm him—or underwhelm him?
And, what are we now?
The time in my sheets, chest to chest, the taste of that chapstick he wears, those sunny days, the wet days, the stress over performing he only shared with me–-
Can we still even be friends?
Does she know? Does she think he’s been waiting for her, not touching another man or woman, keeping his hands clean? Was I just some stupid filler to play around with till she cooled off? Did he ever care, does he care, did it even matter?
“I’m just not ready yet, give me some time Rui, please?”
I gave him time, I gave him attention, I gave him my favour—my bias, my own time.
Was it not enough? Was it ever going to be enough?
I toss and turn again before curling into my side, maybe I ought to just… Give up, he doesn’t like me like that. Maybe he’s not gay like I thought he was, just testing out his preferences…
And I’m just the unlucky victim.
★
“Tsukasa? Are you listening?”
“Huh—oh, yeah, sorry…”
I sigh before turning to Tsukasa, that familiar zoned out expression on his face, “You're doing it again.”
“What do you mean ‘this’?”
“You know what I mean Tsukasa! You’re not—you’re not paying attention to me!”
“What do you mean babe?”
I sigh before pausing the music playing on his phone.
“Tsukasa, this just doesn’t feel right. I can’t do this to Rui, and clearly you can’t either.”
“What do you mean—why is this about Rui?”
“Tsukasa stop playing stupid, it’s been a whole week and he’s barely spoken to us.”
His eyebrows tighten before he turns to me, “I know but—”
“Just call him at least?”
“But I don’t—”
“Call him!”
He sighs before whipping out his phone and dialing Rui’s number, I can’t be asked to tell him to call him privately, I don’t know why he’s being so difficult. Rui’s still our director either way, it won’t work out for us to be rude to him.
The phone suddenly connects to the call, “Tsukasa?” Rui’s voice comes out hesitantly.
“Rui. Uhm, I just wanted to ask if…”
Tsukasa suddenly gets out of bed and exits my room into the corridor. I can faintly hear what they’re saying, something about breakfast and fixing things.
Tsukasa comes back into the room barely 10 minutes later, a smile on his face as he walks back in.
“Alright, we’re going to breakfast to catch up! You coming my darling?”
I blush a little at the nickname before actually realising what he said.
“I don’t know if he’d want me to come Tsukasa—”
“Oh come on! It’ll be fun, I’ll even invite Emu!”
I know it’s not right, and probably not what they need if they want to get better, but if Emu’s coming… Then…
★
Breakfast with Tsukasa… It was unexpected, but maybe he realised what he did and wants to fix things… Clear stuff up!
I fiddle with my earring as I sit down, a small smile on my face as I wait for him to arrive. I’ve tried to be angry these past weeks, but I just miss him so badly…
Suddenly, the door to the restaurant opens and the familiar messy blonde hair peeks in, I can feel my heart flutter as he steps inside.
Just for that fantasy to come crashing down as Nene walks in behind him.
“Rui!” he says as he walks over to the booth I’m in, letting Nene sit down first. Nene looks at me with overflowing shame as she twiddles her thumbs, “Uhm, where’s Emu then?”
Tsukasa raises his eyebrow at her, “Didn’t I tell you she couldn’t make it?”
“No?”
“Oh, well, yeah she’s not coming.”
“Oh… I see…”
I can’t help the frown that appears on my face as I look at Tsukasa.
He invited me to breakfast—why the fuck is she here!?
It feels like my blood is boiling as I relax my frown into a smile, “Tsukasa, can we talk outside?”
He looks at me with innocent, confused eyes. “Uh, yeah sure!” He says as he gets out his side of the booth.
I smile as we walk out the back way of the breakfast bar, a more secluded quiet area, where it’s really just me and him this time.
“Tsukasa… We need to talk, seriously.”
“Yeah that’s why we’re out here, right?”
“Yeah but… Why did you invite Nene?”
“What do you mean? I mean, she’s my girlfriend and—”
“You said we were going to talk about what happened! Why would you bring your girlfriend!?”
“I—I didn’t think it was a big deal!”
“So you don’t think what’s going on between us is important enough to stay between us?”
“No! Stop twisting my words—”
“That’s what you just said—god damnit Tsukasa, you’re always giving me all these mixed messages! The moment I think you care even a tiny bit—you go and fuck it all up!”
“I—I didn’t mean too—”
“It’s just this! You can’t commit to me, or Nene! One week we’re going on dates and making out and the next you're back with Nene!”
“I don’t know—I’m confused, and scared, I don’t know if it’d work between us—I like you so much Rui, but what would everyone think!”
I take a shaky breath before gripping my sleeve.
“Do you even like Nene in that way?”
“What—”
“Do you like Nene romantically?”
“What? Well, maybe—I mean, I do a bit—she’s nice and I like being around her—”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
He takes a shaky breath, “Rui stop acting like this—”
“Fine then. It’s me or Nene, just pick one. Please, I can’t keep being led on like this and it’s not fair to Nene either.”
Tsukasa’s eyes blow open at my proposal, “What!? I—that’s absurd! Why do I have to choose one—I–”
“Alright, so Nene then?”
“No! I didn’t say that—”
“Then me?”
“I didn’t say that either, for fucks sake Rui stop acting like this—”
“If you're not gonna pick, then I’m leaving.”
“UGH! FINE THEN NENE! I PICK NENE OKAY? JUST STOP THIS!”
Tsukasa’s eyes open as he looks at me, I suppose I should’ve expected this… How stupid to think Tsukasa of all people would pick me over anyone else.
“I see… Then… Then please, don’t lead me on any further.”
His face drops before he grasps my wrist, “What does that mean—Rui—!”
“It means, don’t touch me.” I say pulling my wrist away, “No more loving looks, no more lending clothes or staying up late together, no more sharing a bed.”
I step back, “No more, okay?”
He looks at me so distraught, he looks so upset, like he’s regretting his decision right there. And I walk away, I know it’s time to walk away—right, time to step away.
“I’ll see you at school okay? Have a nice date with Nene.”
★
I turn in my bed again, I can’t get that expression out my head, his upset on the verge of tears face, so distraught and upset—so horrified that he was actually losing me…
Well, not actually.
I have my phone in my hand, and a drafted message along with it.
[ Hey Tsukasa, we’re still friends, right? ]
I know I shouldn’t, I need to move on, to establish our relationship as classmates, at the very best coworkers if I don’t want this to happen again…
Being friends with Tsukasa is too much, just enough Tsukasa to pull me in, not enough Tsukasa to satisfy me. But the thought of having none of him makes me feel so heartbroken I might never leave my house and disappear.
A world where that smile’s only on stage, for the audience, for Nene, for Emu—for all but me…
Is not a world I can live in.
A fate of chasing him forever, would be better than never getting to the starting line.
[ Are we still friends? ] - SENT