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Chromedome loved too easily and too much. He tried, oh how hard he tried to feel less, but caring was so deeply ingrained in his soul that nothing short of shadowplay could remove it.
During a war and in his line of work, so much debilitating love was a weakness. Chromedome knew better than anyone else that becoming a mnemosurgeon was a mistake. He was too unstable—or perhaps not unstable enough in a different direction—to handle the emotional demands of the job. His work was fine, more than adequate by the Institute’s standards, but it was obvious that he didn’t belong.
An irony, then, that the vile, awful practice has saved his life so many times.
He didn’t remember them, obviously, but he knew that he had loved before. Not the love between comrades or close friends, but the deepest form between only those who swore their entire beings to each other. He knew like a fact you’d read from a history book. Just clean, impersonal knowledge. Entire chunks of time were missing in his memories to be filled with the simple fact of, “you loved someone deeply”. Those gaps in time created what would’ve been a precarious sense of peace for anyone else, always there and tempting them to dig deeper, undoing all the work put into forgetting.
Chromedome once dug into his past too. Successfully too, though what he found clearly led to the same decision that he’s made a thousand times before. Eventually, the ghost of past sorrows was enough to stave off his curiosity.
It was odd in how normal it felt. Nobody’s memories were perfect, especially not after endless millennia spent alive. People’s minds naturally cleaned up redundant memories to save on operational efficiency, Chromedome’s gaps were simply more… intentional.
He did feel bad for them, his past lovers. Their memories deserved to be held onto. But thinking of his beloved now, his perfect, wonderful archivist who knew better than any the importance of remembering… Rewind deserved someone better. Just imagining the horrible possibility of Rewind’s death was unbearable. Chromedome found himself near tears with pain every time he accidentally got caught in that mental trap. He could not imagine moving on after such a loss. Had the surgeries not been a possibility, he would’ve gladly picked death over suffering through that anguish.
Was he selfish? Definitely. He placed his own peace of mind over the memories of people he loved. He made that choice again and again and gods, he’ll probably do it again. Maybe this time, if he prayed hard enough, the universe would take mercy and let him die first for once, Then again, that would just mean inflicting that same misery on Rewind. He was truly cruel; wanting so badly to escape a pain that he’d rather inflict it on someone he loves.
But Rewind would be fine if he died first. It wouldn’t be the first time Rewind lost a lover and came out the other end. Doesn’t make it any less cruel but… at least he’ll live. Hopefully he’ll live on to have his memory remembered by someone more deserving.
Chromedome shook himself. No time for overthinking. If he wanted to ensure Rewind went on to live a long life, then he better do his job right. He had concerns about the whole “Autobot Phase Sixers”, but the idea of powerhouses like Sixshot or Overlord fighting for their side was a tempting one. All he needed to do was go in and extract that supersoldier recipe from one of the deadliest bots in the history of the entire war. No pressure.
Chromedome knew he didn’t deserve a happy ending, but he still let himself hope. If not for himself then for Rewind, who deserved it more than anyone else.