Archive of Our Own

1.

Barty loved his friends; that was a simple truth. He loved hearing them laugh, he loved sneaking around with them, he loved annoying them, he loved complaining about school with them. He loved them.
Though, even if he had never admitted it, he was sometimes afraid he loved a certain friend
a bit too much; that was a complicated truth he didn’t like facing at all. So he never did.

It was a thought, well, actually, it wasn't even a thought yet, he never let it fully form, it was more like a feeling, an intuition, constantly whispering in the back of his mind. Luckily for him, his actual thoughts were always screaming, so he could ignore the whispers in his head.

“You’re leaving, already?” Dorcas’ voice made Barty raise his head from where he was stacking all of Pandora's mystical rocks on top of each other, just to find Evan standing and picking up his stuff.

They were in Pandora’s room, she wanted to practice some muggle divination skills that she had learned with them. She was on the floor near Barty and in front of her was James Potter, her victim. Barty still wasn’t used to his presence, but Pandora liked him for some reason, and she made sure to let Regulus know that if the plan was hers, he could always invite Potter. Though this time, Barty suspected, she invited him because she knew he was the only one who would let her hit him with a branch in order to “clean his soul”.

Barty thought Evan was trying to escape being the next one.

“Yeah. I have detention, remember?”

Oh. That.

“Do you?” Barty asked, already feeling a little smug.

Evan frowned.
“Well, yes? Madame Pince doesn’t forget whenever she grounds someone”.

“But she does change her mind sometimes” Barty stood up too, acting a little non-chalant in hopes to surprise Evan.

Evan blinked once, then twice. Barty could almost feel the confusion emanating from him.
“What are you talking about, Bat?”

“I’m just saying that maybe Madame Pince did give you detention, but perhaps she cancelled it because little Miss-Perfect-Student-Teacher’s-pet Hestia Jones told her that she was sure that you weren’t the one who hexed that bookshelf. That she had seen you the moment she heard the noise so it couldn’t have been you. And that she would hate it if Madame Pince gave you such unfair detention, so she had to intervene”.

Evan blinked again.
“What?”

Potter whistled.
“Good one, Crouch.”

“How did you even convince Hestia Jones to lie for me?” Evan asked.

Barty shrugged.
“Everyone has a price.”

“You bought her?” Dorcas asked, the shock was clear in her face. “But she’s rich. Like, richer than you, rich.”

“Some people’s price isn’t money,” Barty said. “Some just want a date with Edgar Bones.”

“And you got her one?” Evan’s jaw was almost on the floor by that point. Oh how Barty loved surprising him “That must’ve been so much work. He’s a jerk.”

“He owed me one. And he actually agreed faster than you would imagine. I think they make a good pair.”

“So… I don’t have detention anymore?” Evan’s smile was starting to peek around his lips. Barty loved his smile.

“You don’t”

And the smile appeared. It was bright and lit up Evan’s face in such a lively specific way. It evoked on him a feeling that Barty couldn’t quite name yet. He got so focused on it that he almost didn’t register Evan running forward to hug him. He was laughing.

“Man, I could fucking marry you” he said, right before grabbing his chin with force and planting a kiss on his cheek. It was a fleeting thing, they’d done it before, plenty of times, but right there and then was different. Evan was smiling freely, full of joy. He looked so euphoric that, for a second, Barty thought that he would like to kiss Evan properly. It was an incoherent thought, and didn't have anything to do with reality, so Barty ignored it.

Evan released him to throw himself onto Pandora’s bed. He extended his arms to stretch and then sighed.
“Being detention free feels so good” he said.

Barty stared at him, a glint of a smile on his own lips. It faded when he felt a pair of eyes on him. He turned to Pandora’s direction, and sure enough, those amber eyes were watching him. Knowingly watching him. She smiled, acting innocent of course, but she knew. What she knew though? Barty didn’t even know himself, but she certainly did, and that was never good.

Fuck.

A week later he was skipping a class he didn’t like, just walking through the hallways when he encountered Pandora. She smiled at him and looped her arm around his, joining him on his walk. He didn’t mind.

“Sweetie,” she started with the specific tone that let Barty know she was about to ask him something. “Do you want to do something fun?”

Barty almost agreed instantly at the mention of doing something fun, he imagined something reckless, but then he remembered who he was talking to.
“Mm… depends on what your definition of fun is.”

“I’m mastering the art of muggle tarot, but I’ve only read the cards to my mom, Evan, and some of my housemates.” She looked up charmingly at him. “Wouldn’t you like to give it a try?”

Barty scrunched up his nose. He would rather go back to his class than be Pandora’s victim, but by the way she was fiercely grabbing his arm, it seemed as if he had no other choice.
He sighed.
“Make it fast.”

“You can’t rush fate, Barty.”

They found an empty classroom near the dining hall since it was almost lunchtime, so they could go straight to eat after the reading.
Barty was a little nervous while Pandora took her deck out of her purse. The cards had beautiful illustrations, all cats and ravens and mystical vibes. It was very Pandora, actually.

“Is there anything you want to ask the universe?” Pandora asked him.

“No.” He answered flatly.

She gave him a look.

He shrugged.
“Is there anything the universe wants to tell me?”

She nodded.
“I can work with that.”

The shuffling sound of the cards was a satisfying thing to hear. After some more shuffling a card fell from the deck, and then another, and then nothing else.
Pandora hummed.
“Only two cards.”

“Is that bad?”

“Of course not. It’s just interesting.”

Barty looked at the cards on the table.
“Is your tarot calling me a fool?” he asked.

“The Wheel of Fortune and The Fool reversed.”

“So, the opposite of a fool? A genius then?”

“No.” Pandora said “This is interesting.”

“Why?”

“The Wheel of Fortune symbolizes that a major change is on the way. The universe wants you to know that it is ready to move things in your favor.”

Barty smiled. He liked that card.
“Great!”

“But–”

“Not great.”

“The Fool reversed is telling me that you’re afraid. You’re afraid of this change, but change is inevitable, sweetheart. It’s alright to ponder possible outcomes, hold back a bit, just don’t hold on.” She looked up at him and nodded as if agreeing with herself, or maybe she was agreeing with the cards. “The universe wants you to stop being a fool.”

“Alright. Rude.” He said. The last part was definitely a personal attack. “But you’re wrong. I’m not afraid of anything, I don’t even know what change you’re talking about.”

Pandora narrowed her eyes at him and then started shuffling her cards again.
“I think you do know what change it refers to, but let’s see if the universe wants to tell you.”

“Yeah, tell me. Be straightforward.”

This time, in a matter of a few seconds, three cards fell from the deck.
“Won’t you look at that!” Pandora smiled.

Barty glanced at the cards and just by looking at the illustrations he knew he was fucked.
“Bloody hell no.” He murmured.

“The Two of Cups, The Lovers, and The Moon. Merlin, this is very straightforward.” She arranged the cards in the order that they had fallen. “You see, the Two of Cups is all about connecting and coming together with someone, it’s about meeting halfway. The Lovers… well I guess it’s pretty self-explanatory, specially paired with the Two of Cups. I think a relationship might be on the way, perhaps you’re falling in love. This is the big change you’re so afraid of.”

“Wrong,” he said. “I’m not in love. This is stupid.”
But as he was saying it, the amber eyes in front of him reminded him of a very similar pair he knew so well. A pair of golden eyes he worshipped. Pandora gave him that knowing look again.

“Oh Barty.”

What the fuck? Was she a mind reader or something? She sometimes (and he meant most times) scared the shit out of him with how intuitively smart she could be.

“Whatever.” He said. “Maybe your deck is broken.”

Pandora snickered.
“It’s not broken, silly. Let’s continue.”

“Salazar, help me.”

“The Moon card symbolizes an unclear path ahead, it’s telling me you have to examine your fears, the path is only unclear because you have to ground yourself before proceeding.”

Barty sighed.
“What do I do?”

Pandora shuffled once more and immediately the Death card fell onto the table.

“Great! I guess I have to kill myself.”

Pandora rolled her eyes, she kept shuffling and another card fell.
“Death and the Two of Swords.”

“Kill myself with two sords. Got it.”

“This is just repeating what I’ve already told you. The Death card is not about dying. It’s about a major transition, it means that it’s time for endings, but you have to leave behind what you’ve been holding onto. The Two of Swords is telling me that you need time to contemplate your situation, the answer will come to you, you just have to face it.”

Barty stood up.
“You know what? This wasn’t fun.”

“Barty…” she tried, but he was already picking up his stuff.

“I’m hungry. Let’s go.” he walked to the door in a hurry, not even bothering to put in his backpack the books he was holding.

Pandora hurried as well and followed him out. He was clearly angry and she was clearly examining him every step he took, which was annoying him even more.
Suddenly they encountered Dorcas and Regulus on their way to the dining hall, Pandora greeted them with a smile.

Dorcas raised her eyebrows.
“Why is he mad?”

“I read the cards for him and he didn’t like what the universe had to say.”

Barty grumbled.
“The cards are lying and you’re crazy.”

“You can’t call her crazy.” Regulus scolded him. “You’re crazy too.”

“Hey! Don’t compare their craziness.” Dorcas said. “Dora is crazy in a whimsical-fairy-spiritual way. Barty is crazy in a psychopath-call-the-police way.”

Barty slammed the books from her arms to the floor in response. Dorcas did the same to his own. He proceeded to push her hand away from him and she pushed back with more force. Barty had no idea how but three seconds later Dorcas was pulling his hair and he was about to bite her arm. The snake fight would’ve definitely continued if Evan hadn’t arrived then.
“Stop that. What’s going on?” he asked.

Dorcas let him go reluctantly and Barty did the same. Then he pouted towards Evan.

“Hug him.” Pandora pushed her brother towards Barty. “He’s angry.”

“He’s angry?” Evan asked, picking his books up from where Dorcas had thrown them to the floor.

Barty rolled his eyes.
“I’m not angry”

“Oh, he is.” Evan nodded. “What happened?”

“He didn’t like his tarot reading.” Pandora explained.

Barty rolled his eyes once again.
“It was bullshit. Now, let’s go.”

He grabbed Evan’s wrist and strode towards the dining hall. Evan kept his pace and playfully bumped their shoulders on the way.
“Whatever it was, I’m sure dessert will cheer you up.” He smiled softly. “I heard some Hufflepuffs say they smelled some kind of strawberry tart in the kitchens.”

Barty glanced at him and realized he suddenly felt way better, partly because of the possible strawberry tart, but mostly because of Evan’s mere presence.
The screaming thoughts fell silent, and the whispers in the back of his mind started screaming. The realization hit him then. The tarot was right: he was falling in love.

And he was afraid.

2.

Evan was sure that his sixth year was going to be his favorite one when he got older. He definitely had more freedom to do whatever he pleased than he did in his prior years, but he wasn’t as stressed and full of expectations as his friends in their seventh year were. It was simply perfect. He could skip a few classes, cause a bunch of problems, smoke a couple cigarettes, no one cared. He could even be outside past curfew and most prefects wouldn’t bat an eye since he was a sixth year. No one cared about the sixth years. It was wonderful.

So, sneaking out past curfew was exactly what they were doing. The three of them tried to leave their dorm as silently as they could and started their long walk to their destinations.
“Why does this castle have like a quatrillion stairs?” Evan asked, suddenly short of air.

“Lower your voice.” Regulus scolded him.

“Honestly, Reg, you’re the only prefect I would be scared to find.” Barty whispered. “I’ve heard you never do favours.”

Regulus huffed.
“If you knew, I’ve been doing a whole lot of favours lately, thanks to you idiots.”

Evan and Barty exchanged a look.
“Really?” Barty asked.

“Evans told me she has been looking away whenever she sees you two outside, and so did Fenwick, and so did Lupin.” He listed “Therefore, I have to do the same with their friends. Do you know how many times I could’ve given detention to Sirius already? ”

“To his own brother.” Evan mouthed to Barty.

“He’s merciless.” Barty mouthed back.

Regulus hit the back of his head.

“Ouch!” Barty cried.

“Shh, keep your voice down.”

Barty glanced at Evan looking for help but Evan simply shrugged. They were a lost cause. Finally, they arrived at the quad courtyard, where Potter was waiting for them. He smiled and hurried to Regulus’ side.
“Hi, love.” He whispered.

Regulus took his hand and intertwined their fingers together.
“Hi.” He smiled softly at Potter but before leaving with him he turned back to his friends. The soft smile was no longer there and he was now frowning. “Don’t you dare get caught by anyone else, alright?”

Evan huffed and looped his arm around Barty’s.
“Why does Potter get the lovey dovey eyes and we get the death stare?”

Barty tensed for a moment against his touch but relaxed quickly.
“The world is unfair.”

Regulus rolled his eyes.
“Guys.” He warned.

“Alright, we promise.” Barty whispered. “Go have fun.”

Regulus sighed and was probably about to say something more but Potter tugged softly at his hand, trying to walk them away and Regulus probably forgot about every single thing in his life other than James Potter.

Evan and Barty shared a look but didn’t comment, instead they walked in a comfortable silence to their usual spot, where they sat in the grass against a wall, feeling the fresh air and gazing up at the stars.
He loved those moments with Barty, he also liked spending time with their other friends, but it was so different when it was just the two of them. They could spend hours chatting, just saying bullshit over and over for the sake of making the other one laugh, or sometimes they could be sharing deep thoughts, secrets, dreams, aspirations, past wounds, anything. And other times, those hours could be spent in a peaceful quiet, just like this particular night was going.

At one point, Evan had grown tired of the wall, and decided to rest his head in Barty’s lap, which wasn’t unusual at all, soon enough, Barty’s hand found its rightful place stroking Evan’s hair.
He closed his eyes, it was all so relaxing, the cold air, the stars, the moon, the grass around them. Barty was humming a song they had listened to that morning, he was good with music, Evan would’ve probably lost the rhythm of the song after five seconds, but Barty never did. He rarely ever sang out loud but when he did, Evan was left mesmerized. He started to deliberate whether or not to ask Barty to sing him a song right there when things changed.

Slowly, hesitantly, Barty's hand dropped from his hair to bless him with a single caress that started in his cheekbone and ended in his jaw. Evan relaxed against it but it lasted only an instant, then the caress stopped and Barty shifted, taking his hand away.

Evan opened his eyes and found that Barty was already looking at him, though he looked away when he was caught. He didn’t resume to stroking his hair. Evan frowned, he didn’t want him to stop. He wanted Barty to keep caressing him, he wanted Barty to keep looking at him, he wanted Barty to bow down and kiss him, he wanted Barty to sing him a song, he wanted–

Wait, what was that?

He wanted Barty to bow down and kiss him.

Evan’s frown grew deeper. He wanted Barty to bow down and kiss him? That was odd. Maybe he was tired and his mind was playing him stupid games since it was very late, except that he didn’t feel tired at all, and his mind was alright a few minutes ago. He felt a sudden rush of adrenaline and his face flushed. Deciding it was for the best, he sat up. Barty glanced at him but Evan didn’t look back. He couldn’t, not until his thoughts went back to normal.

“It’s getting colder.” Barty said “Wanna go back inside?”

Evan didn’t want to. Not yet. But at the same time, he needed to.

“Sure,” he responded “If you want to.”

Barty nodded and they got up. Evan made the mistake of looking at him, the moon lit the courtyard just barely but it seemed as if all of her light was on Barty. Had his lips always looked that soft? Had his hair always fallen into place so beautifully? Merlin, what was in the air? Evan needed to go to sleep immediately, he was going insane. It was just Barty. He had to be imagining things, he had to be a little confused perhaps. He would feel normal in the morning, that was for sure.

The way back to the Slytherin dorms was a little awkward, the comfortable silence was gone and a weird tension between them was left. They were a few minutes away from their destination when an unknown voice broke the silence.

“Who 's there?”

Evan looked for Barty’s eyes and in a matter of milliseconds they came to a mutual agreement: they had to run.

“Wait!” the possible prefect on watch called.

They sprinted down the hallway without looking back, but Evan could hear the steps of whoever was following them. Although they were still very much on the lead, he felt the need to go faster so they could lose their problem. Regulus would murder them if they gave him yet another person to do favours to.
Barty matched his pace easily.

“Jump.” He whispered to Evan when they arrived at the stairs. They both managed to skip the (luckily) short staircase and kept sprinting until they stopped hearing the footsteps behind them.

Barty stifled a laugh while he entered the common room.
“Merlin.” He sighed, clearly short of breath. Evan was too. “That was fast.”

“Yeah,” Evan walked to their room and collapsed in his bed. “Hell, I thought I was going to fall when I landed that jump.”

“Dude, for a second I thought the stairs were too long and we weren’t even gonna make it to the floor.” Barty said, collapsing in his bed as well. He was laughing, which made Evan laugh too.

And it was all okay again. They were normal.

3.

Barty knew it was weird, alright? He knew that cuddling with the best friend he happened to be falling in love with was weird. But in his defense, he started doing it long before even imagining he would one day fall in love with Evan.
When he was a kid, if he had a nightmare (and he had plenty) he would get up from his bed to go cuddle with his mom. Since his parents never slept in the same room, his mother and him always had the bed for themselves. She would always welcome him and soothe him back to sleep.

So, when he arrived at Hogwarts he wasn’t really sure of what to do when his nightmares occurred. He spent almost his entire first year being unable to go back to sleep on those nights, until one time, after a particularly terrible nightmare, he got the courage to walk to Evan’s bed. He had taken Evan’s arm and shaken it a little.
“I had a nightmare.” He had said.

“Huh?”

“I had a nightmare.” He’d repeated “Can I sleep here?”

Evan had rubbed his eyes, still very sleepy and hesitant.
And then, in almost a whisper, Barty had added a desperate: “Please?”

Later, Evan admitted to him that it had been the first time he had ever heard him say please, and that was the reason he had agreed without questioning anything.
With time, they became closer, so Barty stopped waking Evan to ask if he could join him. He simply did. And well, the cuddling part he couldn’t explain, it had happened so gradually and it was now so typical to both of them that neither questioned it.

So, there Barty was now. Cuddling with his best friend. He had probably changed beds around four or five am, and judging by the morning lights and the fact that Regulus was nowhere in the room, it had to be at least after ten. It was late, but since it was a Saturday and the only thing they had to do was visit Hogsmeade later, he didn’t really care. He had never minded sleeping in, and he definitely wouldn’t start caring when Evan was asleep next to him.

He was running his fingers through Evan’s hair yet again. It was calming, he loved the feeling, he loved the not-quite-straight but not-quite-curly texture of his hair. And the blond color that the light reflected… Well Barty liked it very much.

After a while, Evan started moving, struggling to shift. Barty raised both of his arms to let him move freely and he did, turning to face him. He wasn’t even able to keep his eyes open for more than a second straight, yet he smiled at him. Barty didn’t believe in angels, but he was sure that Evan’s smile was a celestial thing. He wanted to worship it. To kiss it.

“Morning.” He greeted. Evan didn’t answer, instead he scooted closer to rest his head on Barty’s shoulder. He swallowed before putting his arm around him once more, this time circling around his back.

“H’r.” Evan mumbled.

“What?”

“Y’r hand. My hair.” He asked. Sleep heavy in his voice.

Barty chuckled.
“So bossy.” He happily went back to stroking Evan’s hair. After a few minutes, he felt Evan drift off to sleep again. His breathings evened out and he relaxed entirely against Barty.

He was starting to drift off as well, blinking slower and slower until his eyes stayed shut. He was about to let go when his dorm room opened.

“How can they still be there?” Regulus’ voice sounded a little exasperated. Barty couldn’t risk opening his eyes and be told to get the fuck up, so he pretended to be asleep.

“Aww, they’re cute when they’re asleep.” It was Potter’s voice this time. “At least cuter than when they’re awake.”

“Don’t let them fool you,” Regulus said, he sounded as if he was ruffling through his vault, looking for something. “They’re still menaces.”

“Aaand, they’ll miss breakfast if they don’t get up soon.” Potter noted.

“Well, wake them up. Be my guest.”

Potter chuckled and that sound was followed by a quiet thump that let Barty know he had jumped to Regulus’ bed instead.
“Pass.”

“They can eat something in Hogsmeade.”

“Speaking of… Would you like to have lunch with me?” Barty couldn’t see him but he sounded absolutely delighted and corny, which made him cringe a bit. “They could even join us if you wanted, and we could have our little double date…”

Regulus chuckled for a few seconds.
“Uh, James… they’re not dating.”

Potter gasped.
“What?!” He raised his voice enough to stop Barty from breathing, in hopes of not waking Evan up.

“Shhh.”

“What?!” Potter repeated in a whisper with somehow, the same amount of surprise.

Regulus only stifled a laugh.

“How come?” Potter continued.

Barty didn’t want to keep listening, he felt the sudden urge of closing the curtains around the bed.

“They’re idiots.” Regulus stated.

“They are literally cuddling right now!” Potter aggressively whispered.

“They are idiots.”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve seen them kiss.”

“Their cheeks.” Regulus clarified.

“But still!” Potter sounded flabbergasted. “I feel like you’re pranking me.”

Regulus stopped whatever ruffling he was doing.
“Got it!” He grabbed what he had been looking for and stood up. “And no, I’m not pranking you. Have you ever seen them holding hands?”

Potter stayed silent for a moment and then:
“So that’s where they draw the line?”

Barty almost rolled his eyes and got up to say “So what?” but he didn’t.

“I guess. Now, c’mon, we can still go on a double date if you’d like.”

“It’s not a double date if they’re not dating!” He could almost hear Potter pouting. Gross.

“Not yet.” Regulus tried to cheer him up and whatever they kept discussing was lost to Barty’s ears when they walked away and out the dorm.

If he had been sleepy before, he was fully awake then. Fuck. Was he really that obvious? Had everyone noticed that there was something between Evan and him? At least Pandora had definitely noticed it, since she practically made him admit it to himself, and now Regulus sounded as if he was more than familiar with noticing it, and shit even Potter thought they were dating? Who else? Was Dorcas aware too? She probably was.

Oh bloody hell, was Evan aware? Could he have noticed something? What if he thought that Barty was in love with him? Well he was, but what if he thought it was weird? He would have said something already, wouldn’t he? Barty felt like he could have a stroke right there. Damn. There was no way Evan liked him back. Why would he? Merlin, Barty should probably step down a little, he didn’t want to make things weird between them.

4.

Evan was worried he had done something wrong. He probably had. They had been walking around Hogsmeade for a while and Barty had been awfully quiet all the time. He had been walking at arm’s length from Evan, which usually never happened, and he had avoided Evan’s attempts at eye contact at least nine times.

They were having lunch with Regulus and Potter, and not even when the latter said the dumbest shit Evan had heard that month, Barty said a thing. He was still in silence, eyes glued to his meal. Thankfully Potter was in a great mood, so he was carrying the conversation without noticing much of what was going around, Regulus was trying too, but he had clearly noticed Barty’s silence. He had even given Evan a questioning look but Evan had just shrugged.

He tried to recall anything he could’ve done to upset Barty, he had seemed fine that morning. Had he just… gotten tired of Evan? Or life perhaps? That was a significant difference, was this an upset-with-Evan thing, or an upset-with-life thing? He never got upset with Evan. But when he got upset with life it was different, he let Evan in, in fact, when he got upset with life he needed Evan.

He sighed as they were leaving the restaurant. Not knowing what was up with Barty was driving him crazy. Regulus stopped beside him.
“You should talk to him.” He said. “I’ve always wanted him to shut the fuck up but now it’s unsettling.”

“It is!” Evan agreed. “But what if he’s mad at me?”

Regulus raised his eyebrows.
“He’s not. He’s Barty.” He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Just go do your thing and make him happy. The lack of his bullshit is weird.”

Evan sighed again, but he guessed he could try. He walked to the other side of the street, where Barty was looking at an English deck.
“Hey.” He tried to greet casually. “You want to buy that?”

Barty shrugged.
“Maybe.”

“Um… are you alright, B?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He answered without much care, comparing two of the magical decks.

“Are you sure?” Evan pushed, he looped his arm around Barty’s and felt him tense a little, but at least didn’t move away. “You’ve been acting off.”

“No, I’m fine.” He said, still inspecting the cards.

“You’re not… mad at me or something?” Evan whispered.

That got him Barty’s full attention.
“What?” He frowned. “No. No, of course not.”

“It’s just, well, you’ve been kind of distant.” The moment the words left his lips, Evan knew he had sounded like a lost little kid looking for pity, it was embarrassing, but it worked.

“Oh Ev, no. I’m sorry, it’s not anything you did, it’s just–” Barty shook his head. “It’s just been an odd day.”

His eyes looked as if he had gone somewhere far away for a second, and Evan remembered that he had woken up with Barty. He had had a nightmare. Of course, it had to be about that, right?
“Heavy nightmare?” He asked.

Barty blinked, and two seconds later he nodded.
“Right, yeah.”

Evan squeezed his arm.

“I’m feeling better though.” He looked at him and smiled, and surprisingly, Evan believed him, he seemed much more like his usual self. “Sorry about before, I didn’t want to worry you, Ev.”

“It’s fine. I’m glad you’re okay.”

After that, they easily went back to their Hogsmeade routines. Which consisted in just fooling around together. They came across Dorcas not long after their talk and decided to let Regulus and Potter have some time alone and followed her throughout Hogsmeade, in retrospect that might have been a bad decision, since she and Pandora were walking as if it was their last day on earth. They wanted to buy from almost every single shop and walk to the top of every single hill to take pictures since the place looked “so autumn”.

It was almost time to return to the school and they were exhausted when Dorcas gestured towards a tree at the top of yet another hill.
“Pan, a photo there would look amazing.”

Pandora agreed.
“We have to take a few.”

“Up the hill?” Barty asked. “I’m tired of walking, Cas.”

“Too bad.” Dorcas replied. “Since you know you two are going to take it.”

Barty collapsed against Evan.
“Salazar, my feet are going to fall.”

“I can carry you, my princess.” Evan suddenly offered, feeling playful.

Barty cackled right in his face.
“You?”

He frowned.
“Hey!”

“No offense, dear. But with those lanky arms?” Barty patted his back. “I don’t think so.”

Evan gasped, acting offended.
“Rude. I can carry you.” He stated. “In fact, I can carry you all the way up the hill and down.”

“You can’t even carry your vault to the train platform.”

“I can! I just take advantage that you can carry yours and mine both. Besides, I use my free hands to help Pandora with most of her extra bags.”

Barty raised his eyebrows when he noticed Evan was actually serious about it.
“You’re gonna collapse halfway and we will fall face first to the grass.”

“Then I’ll give you a piggyback ride and we will fall back first.”

“It doesn’t work like that.” Dorcas said.

Barty rolled his eyes at both of them but Evan knew he was starting to agree since he would never deny a piggyback ride.

“C’mon.” Evan turned around so Barty could jump to his back and he did.

Evan smiled and they started walking up the hill, even more steadily than Evan himself thought they would. Barty’s grasp started firm on his shoulders but it gradually turned into an almost-hug around his chest. He was warm.

“Careful with that rock.” He whispered into Evan’s ear, close enough that it tickled and made him giggle a little.

They made it up the hill without mishaps, just like Evan predicted it. He smirked, turning around so they could admire all the sides of the hill. Barty made an approving sound.

“See?” Evan huffed, he tried to be smug but he was clearly too short of breath to success. “I told you.”

“You said up the hill and down.” Barty reminded him and proceeded to rest his chin on Evan's right shoulder.

“And I will.” He breathed in, trying to recover from the way up, but the way that Barty’s face rested only a few centimeters away from his, made him nervous for some reason.
He exhaled, feeling a little flustered but that didn’t stop him from trying to walk down the hill. It wasn’t really tilted, but it was still kind of difficult to go down safely when you had the weight of two people on you.

“I’m impressed.” He could hear Barty’s smile in his words, but it wasn’t enough. Evan turned his face to see it, but found that Barty was too close, his smile was too blinding, and his face too pretty. He felt a sudden rush of that strange feeling he had had the night before, and the millisecond he spent too busy glancing at Barty’s lips was sufficient to make him step on the wrong rock. His ankle twisted and his other foot tried desperately to keep them standing but they were already tumbling down, and so they fell.

Barty had time to react and stop himself from completely crashing against the grass with his hand. Evan’s hands though, were busy carrying Barty’s legs, so he didn’t have time to catch himself and fell face first to the grass. He thankfully reacted in time to side his face a little, just enough to avoid breaking his nose. He wouldn’t have liked that.

“Merlin, are you okay?” Barty straightened himself in order to grab Evan’s face. He shook some dirt from it and scanned him, looking for bruises.

Evan rubbed some dust from his elbow.
“Yeah I’m fine.”

Barty kept scanning him for a few seconds and then let his face go when he was sure it was nothing serious. Then he let out some giggles, which quickly turned into cackles.
“I told you!” he laughed.

At some point, Dorcas and Pandora had started walking to them, probably worried that they had hurt themselves, but they’d stopped when Barty laughed. They seemed to be laughing at them too.

Evan rolled his eyes, but a chuckle escaped him.
“It’s your fault!” he told Barty.

“How is it my fault? I didn’t do anything!”

“You manifested our fall!”

“What?! Bloody hell, now you sound like your sister.” Barty frowned. “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head too hard?”

He smacked Barty’s shoulder.
“Shut up.”

Barty snickered at him, and the look of pure adoration in his eyes made him feel dizzy. Bloody hell indeed, Evan might’ve actually hit his head too hard because yet again, he found in himself the urge to kiss Barty.

5.

Barty had decided not to avoid Evan at all, in fact, he decided he never again wanted to do that. Trying to step down from the intensity with which he treated Evan had been torturous, almost impossible, so he had decided to not only avoid Evan but to avoid everyone else, which had also been torturous since it had left him alone with his appalling thoughts. And to top it all, finding out that Evan had thought that he was mad at him… the uneasiness in his face had disarmed Barty. He never wanted to make Evan feel that way again.

Therefore, Barty was left with very few options on what to do. He was incapable of changing his dynamic with Evan, whether it was to make it one with less co-dependency, or to gather the courage to confess his feelings. Consequently, the only thing left for him to do was to do nothing.

And that he did, everything between them had stayed the same since their Hogsmeade trip the week before. Except now Barty was extremely aware of his feelings for Evan. He tried to keep them platonic, as much as he could, but sometimes he just couldn’t. Like right then, for example; they were outside the castle in their usual spot, sharing a single cigarette back and forth. And though they had done that plenty of times, Barty couldn’t help but think about how the cigarette in his lips had just been resting in Evan’s, how the brushing of their fingers as they passed the cigarette made him feel.

They were alone. They had escorted Regulus with Potter as they usually did when the three of them sneaked out at night. Everything was the same really, but it felt so different. Barty needed desperately to ignore his thoughts.

“That’s a planet, isn’t it?” he asked, pointing towards the night sky.

“Which one?”

“That one, to the left.” He scooted in closer to Evan and tried to point the celestial body from his point of view.

Evan shrugged.
“I can’t be sure.”

“I think I am.”

“Why?” Evan asked before taking a drag from the almost-finished-cigarette.

Barty turned to face him so he could explain better.
“Well, planets are very bright and unlike the stars, they don’t twinkle.”

Instead of answering, Evan turned to face him too and exhaled the smoke right in his face. Barty tried to close his eyes but he was a millisecond too late and the damage was done. It stung.
“My eyes!” He tried to rub them as they watered a little. Evan had the audacity to cackle right in his face. “You’re laughing?” he asked, blinking again until the bother in his eyes stopped. “Merlin, you keep laughing? You little shit!”

Barty tried to fetch the cigarette, or at least what was left from it, in hopes of doing exactly the same to Evan, since he had found it so funny. Evan stepped back, moving his hand holding the cigarette away.

“Give it to me!” Demanded Barty, still trying to retrieve it.

“Revenge is bad for your health, B.” Evan said.

“I think smoke in my eyes is way worse.”

“You shouldn’t find out.”

He rolled his eyes. Struggling against Evan, he took his other hand and leaped forward, landing on top of him. Finally he was able to take the cigarette from Evan’s hand.
“Ha!” he exclaimed proudly.

“No! C’mon!” Evan tried to get away but Barty used his free hand to pin both of Evan’s arms above his head, he was also straddling him, making sure he wouldn’t move.

They were both laughing but Evan’s laugh was loud as he shook his head and closed his eyes, probably a nervous laugh as he was dreading Barty’s revenge. He smiled, taking the cigarette to his lips.

Evan opened his eyes and his laugh died down, he stared back up at Barty with those beautiful, deep, golden eyes and an intensity that could have given him a stroke. He breathed in carefully, afraid of somehow ruining the moment by doing a wrong movement or even breathing the wrong way. He gathered the courage to take a drag of the cigarette and just as he was about to exhale to get his sweet revenge, Evan did the most unbelievable thing.

He opened his mouth. Not wide, just barely, his soft lips parted around two centimeters away and his chin tilted a tiny bit. Hardly noticeable, unless one was paying attention. A discreet offer for Barty to decide if he should notice it and take it, or ignore it and carry on as if it was nothing. A strong man would’ve ignored it, passed it off as a hallucination from being in love with his best friend. Barty was a weak man.

He felt a sudden thrill, throughout his body. It was as if his heart were skipping every single beat. He leaned down as close to Evan as he dared, and then, he slowly blew the smoke in his mouth towards Evan’s lips. When he was done, Evan blew some smoke back but it dissipated before even getting to Barty. He was still hovering above him when Evan licked his lips. Barty was staring at them, it was obvious he was, but he couldn’t pry his eyes away. He physically felt the night changing and the temperature rising as the unbearable tension in his chest kept building up.

He saw Evan close his eyes before closing his own. Anxiously, he tilted his head slightly to the right as he felt the warmth of Evan’s breathing near his nose. He hadn’t even noticed how close they’d gotten. It had all happened in a couple of seconds but he was sure he would later be able to play it in slow motion in his head. The thumping of his heartbeats was the only sound around them. Could Evan hear it too? Barty decided it didn’t matter. He parted his lips, determined to close the gap when–

“Evan!” A whisper shouted into the night. “Barty!”

Barty snapped his eyes open and found Evan alarmingly looking at him. He scampered aside and the other boy sat up quickly. A moment later they heard footsteps moving to their way.

“Crouch! Rosier!” That was Potter’s voice, he was getting closer. Finally, Barty’s brain registered that the first voice had to be Regulus’. He crushed the cigarette against the floor and passed a hand through his hair.

Evan stood up.
“What is it?”

“There you are. We should go back.” Regulus said, coming into view.

“Why?” Evan asked.

“Apparently there was a party and some idiots failed at sneaking out and now Professor McGonagall is on patrol.”

“Minnie will definitely punish us if she sees us.” Potter added.

Barty was still sitting on the floor. Unable to move, to think, to do anything.

“Let’s go!” Regulus hurried him, offering him a hand.

“Alright.” Barty stood up, he could barely process what had happened before. What hadn’t happened. Bloody hell. He was damned.

+1.

Evan was back in his dorm. Back in his bed. He was supposed to be sleeping, but how could he? How was he supposed to fall asleep as if his entire life hadn’t turned upside down moments before? Barty had almost kissed him. Barty had almost kissed him. Barty had almost kissed him. For Fuck’s sake. And Evan had wanted him to. Merlin, Evan had initiated it, hadn’t he?

He had tried to ignore it. It was a need lying quietly inside of him. He had brushed it off as being tired, as the heat of the moment, as a stupid thought. But it was impossible to ignore it now. He wanted to kiss Barty. It was a fact, Evan could deal with facts. Why did he want to kiss Barty? Attraction, perhaps. People kiss their friends, don’t they? Well, maybe not. But people are capable of feeling attraction to their friends. It was another fact, great. So, Evan was attracted to Barty. Simple.

Love is never simple.

It was a thought in the back of his mind. Why had he thought of love? Fuck. Was Evan in love with Barty? He didn’t know. Hell! How could he know? Did he want to know? Did Barty even like him? He had been down to kiss him but love was a completely different thing. Again, why was he thinking about love? He had spiraled out of the facts. That never ended up good for him.

Rewind. He was attracted to Barty. Yeah, that was probably all there was: simple, plain, attraction. Nothing complicated, nothing dangerous that had the potential of ruining his life.

But then again, he thought of those stupid moments alone with Barty. He thought of Barty. His hair, his face, his hands. He loved his hands, he had firm, long fingers, usually adorned with beautiful silver rings that accentuated his nails and his black nail polish. His knuckles had a couple of scars from his “rebellious phase” as Dorcas often referred to the year Barty had spent picking fights with anyone up for the challenge. Barty’s voice came to his mind then, grave and sometimes raspy in an appealing way that Evan had only ever heard coming from him. It was a beautiful sound. He felt something twist in his stomach as he recalled Barty’s voice earlier that day. “Planets are very bright and unlike the stars, they don’t twinkle.” It was probably something they’d learned in class a few years ago, but since Evan couldn’t remember it, Barty had explained it in his soft, quiet voice. Something so matter-of-factly spoken almost in doubt. Evan found himself smiling to the ceiling unconsciously.

Oh.

It wasn’t attraction, at least that wasn’t all there was. It was more, way more.
Evan didn’t want to think anymore.

He had fallen asleep at some point, but woke up early the next morning for some reason. His thoughts were anxious, going from one place to another but always ending up the same. He felt something for Barty. It was a fact, but for once, it was a fact Evan could not deal with. He didn’t know how to, so he was trying to avoid it.

Therefore, when he heard Regulus moving around the dorm he decided the best way to avoid thinking about his feelings was to occupy himself doing anything but to think.

“Hey.” He peaked outside his curtains to find Regulus getting ready. “Where are you going?”

Regulus looked sleepy. He seemed surprised to see Evan awake.
“Practice.” He answered.

“Can I come with?” Evan asked.

“To… watch?”

He nodded. Anything was better than being awake with his thoughts, specially, awake in the same dorm as was the thought he was trying to avoid.

Regulus shrugged.
“Sure.”

Evan got up, eager for the first time in his life to get out of his bed even though it was just past dawn. He dressed for the day and walked to the quidditch pitch with Regulus. They were halfway there when Regulus spoke again.

“Why are you up so early?” He asked, rubbing his eyes.

“I woke up for some reason,” Evan explained “and I just couldn’t go back to sleep, so…”

Regulus frowned. They walked a few more steps and then he spoke again.
“Are you feeling alright, Ev?”

“Because I’m up early?”

“No. I mean, partly. It’s strange, you have to admit it.”

“I’m fine.” He emphasized the word fine. Just in case.

Regulus narrowed his eyes at him. Evan didn’t budge.
“If you say so…”

At the quidditch pitch was the rest of the Slytherin team. They had music coming from somewhere in the background, it wasn’t blaring, but it was loud enough for the team to hear it even if they were up in the air. They gathered still on the ground as Lucinda, the captain of the team, gave them some instructions. Evan picked a spot in the stands near her. He was up for some chitchat and he was well aware Lucinda would never miss the chance of talking to him. She’d never miss the chance of talking to anyone that was willing to listen, she could talk for hours and that was just what Evan needed.

Just like he assumed, she walked to him after she had given her team their exercises to do.
“Are you interested in joining us, Rosier?”

Evan gave her his social smile.
“Not really. I’m just here to pass the time.”

“Mmm, what a shame,” She said. “We could always use some taller players.”

“Guess you’ll have to look for someone else, sorry.”

“No need! Did you watch the Tutshill Tornados match last week?” she asked. Evan shook his head, he had never picked much of an interest in quidditch. “Man, it was awesome! Most players are really short but the team… Salazar! The team is amazing. I’m a Harpies fan since birth, you know? But I confess I wouldn’t be too mad if the Tornados won the finals.”

Evan pretended to be very shocked about her confession.
“Was it that good? What was the score?”

And just like that, Lucinda started going. She talked, and talked and talked. Quidditch was her gold mine, so all that Evan had to do was nod along and ask a few questions. Even if he didn’t care for quidditch, she made it seem interesting enough to keep his thoughts at bay. After a while, once her team had finished the set of exercises she had asked for, she seemed to remember that she was the captain of the team and left Evan to keep up with practice.

He tried to keep thinking about the teams and data Lucinda had just mentioned, but it was quickly slipping his mind. Replaced with thoughts that looked too much like Barty hovering above him with that cigarette. The undeniably warm touch of his hand caging Evan’s own. The electric feeling of the shared smoke. The proximity of his lips. Just a breath away.

Evan needed to distract himself immediately.

Luckily, he turned to the side and found Potter and McKinnon walking to the stands. He waved them over. Potter smiled, he genuinely looked happy to see him.
“Rosier!” He greeted him with a shake.

Evan nodded to McKinnon in recognition and she nodded back.
“What are you doing here?” he asked them.

“We came to watch.” McKinnon said.

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” Potter added.

“You’re dating our enemy.” She reminded Potter.

“I’m keeping him close.” He said with a grin.

“Ew.”

“As if you wouldn’t like to date one of our enemies too.”

McKinnon flustered quickly and Potter just smiled smugly. Evan raised his brows, they were interesting company.

“What are you doing here, Rosier?” McKinnon asked him. Probably just to try and change the subject. “Did Crouch join the team or something?” She scanned the pitch looking through the Slytherin players.

Evan felt his heart skip a beat with the mention of Barty. Why did even Marlene McKinnon associated him with Barty?
“No.” He said quickly. “I’m watching Regulus.”

McKinnon kicked Potter playfully.
“He wants to steal your boy.” She half-whispered.

“Let him try.” Potter answered, pushing Evan softly.

Evan rolled his eyes. This pair. He thought.
“Thanks, but no.”

At that moment, Dorcas flew by and waved them hello. They waved back but McKinnon kept waving a moment too long, her eyes lit up and she even giggled a little. It was pathetic. Did Evan look like that when he was with Barty? He hoped not. Why was he even thinking about that?

He hadn’t noticed he was staring at McKinnon until she turned back at them, Potter must’ve been staring too because she turned red again and reproached them.
“Why are you both looking at me like that?”

Him and Potter shared a quick look. She sat in the stands, reluctantly.
“I’m too sleepy for this.” She said.

“Ah! That reminds me,” Started Potter. “You went to the party with Pete last night, right? What happened?”

“Ugh! I’m pretty sure someone snitched. I have my suspicions, you know…”

Evan listened to them talk all about the party, their suspects, and then some extra gossip going around the school. He was willing to hear about anything except his own thoughts, so he tried his best to keep the chat going, even though Potter and McKinnon needed little help. And if he was being honest, they caught his attention without issue.

After the Slytherin practice was over, Potter and McKinnon were planning on having some breakfast, they’d wait for Regulus and Dorcas to get showered and changed and reunite at the dining hall. They offered Evan to wait with them, but he was starting to feel a little dizzy from hearing them. They were fun, of course, but could they truly talk non-stop? Perhaps Evan had had too little sleep and it was reflecting on his mood.
He refused them, and Regulus seemed to notice something was wrong, so he invited him to go back to the dorms with them.

The dorms.

Barty was definitely still asleep in their dorm.

“Um… I’m going for a walk.” He said.

“For a walk?” Dorcas asked.

“You sure you’re okay?” Regulus asked.

“I’m fine.” Evan remarked. “I’ll see you later.”

He walked away. Where was he going? He didn’t know, but he did know he wasn’t ready to face Barty yet. He had to face his feelings first. He had tried to ignore them the entire morning, filling his brain with stupid but entertaining talks, but even in the back of his mind, all those feelings had taken shape, the shape of a well-known word.

Love.

It had to be. It had been there for a while now, he knew. He was just now realizing it. Love. So much love. What was he supposed to do with all of it?

Barty woke up quite late. He didn’t feel like getting up. He didn’t feel like anything really. He was too shocked, perhaps a little ashamed if it was possible for Barty Crouch Jr to feel that way.

He felt exposed. What was he thinking? He almost kissed Evan. He had tried to keep his feelings platonic, but he had failed, so he had tried to keep his actions platonic, and this had clearly failed as well.
Did Evan hate him now? The mere idea of Evan feeling tense with him was enough to make him shiver. He had never wanted their friendship to change.
He needed to talk to Evan.

He got up quickly, but didn’t expect to find the bed next to his empty. It was late, but Evan was never one to get up early.
At that moment, Regulus walked through the door, by his looks he probably had just had breakfast.

“Where’s Evan?” He asked.

“He went to practice with me and then went for a walk.” Regulus explained.

He went to practice with Regulus? As in six-am-crack-of-dawn practice? And then for a walk? Evan? Evan went for a walk? Barty felt extremely confused. He didn’t know what to ask or where to begin to question all that information, so he put all his doubts in a simple:
“What?”

Regulus nodded.
“Yeah, he was acting very weird.”

“Oh.” He was acting weird. And it must have been Barty’s fault.

“You’re acting weird too…” Regulus narrowed his eyes. “Did you two fight?”

“No– well… No. I don’t think so.”

Something visibly clicked in Regulus’ head, and he gave Barty that look. The one that said that he knew it all, that he had figured them out, the one Pandora had given him a couple weeks ago.
“I see…”

Barty felt exposed, again. He cleared his throat, trying to ignore Regulus’ look.
“I’m taking a shower.”

Once he was done, he got dressed and decided to go out. He doubted Evan would go back to their dorms soon, if he had gone through the trouble of getting up early and all, so Barty had to go find him. He searched the dining hall first, though he had a feeling Evan wouldn’t be there, but it was a useful stop since he was kind of hungry.
Then, he wondered where Evan could’ve gone. Perhaps to their spot outside, or to a tower, or maybe to the lake. Why was their school so big?

He decided to check outside first and was just leaving the hall when he bumped into Pandora. She greeted him, pleased to see him.

Barty gave her half a smile.
“Pan, by any chance, do you know where Evan is?”

She thought about it.
“Well, I talked to him like an hour ago, he mentioned he was going to the library, why?”

The library? Alright, he had a new direction.
“I’m just looking for him, thanks.” He kissed her cheek, knowing she’d probably be upset that he didn’t stay and chat with her for a moment.

He walked to the library in record time, he scanned the place, the aisles, the tables, the corners, but there was no Evan anywhere. He saw Remus Lupin, reading and writing in a corner near the entrance. If Evan had been there, he should’ve noticed, right?

“Lupin!” He walked towards him. “Hey, have you seen Evan?”

Lupin looked at him reluctantly.
“Rosier?” He asked. “No.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Two hours, or so. Why?”

“And you haven’t seen him enter or exit the library?”

“I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been here, Crouch.”

Barty sighed. He had no lead, again.
“Alright, thanks.”

He proceeded to check outside the castle, he checked their spot, the lake, the greenhouses, but had no success. He went inside and checked the courtyard, but he wasn’t there either. It was well after noon then, and he felt tired. He figured Evan had to go back to their common room some time, so he went there.

Dorcas was who he found, she challenged him to a chess match, and since he had nothing else to do, he accepted. They played a few matches and then Regulus arrived. He was set on doing some of his homework to have some free time in the week, and again, since Barty had absolutely nothing else to do, (he missed Evan), he took out his own homework to work alongside Regulus.

That surprised almost everyone in the common room. Or so they kept on telling him. The thing was, he didn’t want to be alone, or doing nothing. He felt restless, and couldn’t help but wonder if Evan was mad at him. Was that the reason he hadn’t appeared all day? Could it be that Barty had stepped over a line and there was no going back?

Time passed and he kept doing meaningless things with his friends in the common room. They mentioned Evan’s absence, but Barty just shrugged. It wasn’t until dinner time that he, finally, got to see him.
He appeared out of who-knows-where and sat at their table next to Regulus.

Dorcas was the one to acknowledge his arrival as something odd.
“Where were you?” She asked. “I haven’t seen you since this morning.”

Evan shrugged. He avoided Barty’s gaze, his eyes glued to the empty plate before him.
“Just around.”

Dinner passed by quickly. Evan was quiet, just tossing his food around, taking an occasional bite. Barty couldn’t help but stare at him, trying to decipher what was going on in his head. Was he sad? Was he angry? Was he disgusted? Why had he spent the entire day away?
When they were finished, Evan got up first and left with the rest. Barty stayed behind, as he was hit by the only possible conclusion.

He’s avoiding me.

Fuck.

He walked slowly to the Slytherin common room, feeling sorry for himself. He had ruined everything. He just had to go and get his feelings involved. He was halfway there when Regulus stopped by to tell him he was sneaking somewhere with Potter. Barty saw him go and then realized he was going to be alone with Evan.

He tried to breathe and relax. Tried to think of exactly what to say, tried to find a way to get everything back to normal, a way to fix things. But what could he do?
When he arrived he was taken aback by the sight of Evan sitting on his bed. Barty’s bed. His legs were hanging and he was fidgeting with his hands.
“Hey.” Evan greeted him.

“Hi.” Barty managed to say.

“How was your day?” Evan asked him.

What? Were they actually doing that? Pretending everything was normal? As if he hadn’t avoided Barty all day? As if nothing had happened yesterday? Suddenly Barty realized he had been quiet for too long, only staring at Evan in bewilderment.
“I played chess with Cas.” He offered.

“Nice.” Evan smiled awkwardly.

“She won most matches.”

“Not nice.”

Barty almost laughed. What the fuck. This wasn’t what he had imagined he’d walked to but whatever they were doing, it wasn’t something he liked. Then Evan must’ve decided he didn’t like it either, because he sent the small talk flying and cut straight to the point then.
“B, I need to talk to you.”

“Me too, but I hadn’t seen you all day.” The words slipped his mouth with some reproach, and judging by his face, they stung Evan.

“Sorry… I– I guess I needed to think things through. Listen, about last night, I, um…” He paused. “I don’t know how to say this. Barty…”

What were you thinking, Barty? You’re gross. You’re crazy. You’re an idiot. You made me uncomfortable. It was a foolish thing to do. You’re stupid and you ruined everything.

Why did you have to ruin everything?

Barty didn’t want to hear that. He would rather die than to hear any of those words coming out from Evan.
“Ev, actually, can I… Can I go first?”

Evan nodded, he visibly relaxed a little. And Barty took the chance to sit next to him. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that the quicker he cleared things the better, but where should he start? Probably by the most important detail to him.
“Evan, I appreciate being your friend more than anything.” He stated. “I’m so sorry if I have ever made you uncomfortable. I won’t anymore. I promise. Just give me one last chance to keep being your friend.” The words blurted out of him hoping for an answer, when there was none he gathered the courage to glance at Evan. “Please?” He whispered.

That seemed to snap Evan back to reality. He was staring at Barty with his eyebrows furrowed, the confusion clear in his face.
“I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you keep being my friend?”

Barty sighed.
“Well, if my feelings are too much, or if they bother you, I–”

“What feelings?” Evan asked. His gaze softened, his eyes were intrigued and perhaps knowing.

He knew about Barty’s feelings, didn’t he? That’s what the whole thing was about, wasn’t it? You know, don’t you? He wanted to ask.
“You know what feelings.” He dared to mumble.

“I’m afraid I got it wrong. B, can you be clear, please?”

Well, better to rip the bandaid off. He just needed to confess, then apologize. Easy.
But it wasn’t easy. And he felt like he would start trembling at any moment. There was no going back.
“Promise me we’ll still be friends.”

“I promise.”

He breathed in, gazing at those eyes of gold. His safe zone. If Evan promised they’d be alright, then they’d be alright.
“I’m in love with you.” He confessed.

Evan blinked.
“Are you… joking?”

“No, I’m in love with you.” Barty repeated himself, he was set on being clear.

Maybe he shouldn’t have been too clear because Evan was chuckling now. It started as a huff but then escalated to a chuckle and then to multiple. The sound left Barty stunned. He imagined a hundred outcomes, a hundred awful things Evan could say to him, but he never imagined Evan would laugh in his face.
“Why are you laughing?” He asked. “I’m being serious.”

“I’m just debating who’s more stupid, you or me.”

“What?”

“You’re winning.”

“What?”

Evan moved closer to him and then, slowly, carefully, as if trying not to spook a wild animal, he intertwined his fingers to Barty’s.
“I’m in love with you.”

Barty blinked. He looked down at their intertwined hands and up at Evan’s face. He was smiling softly. Barty blinked again.
“What?”

“I… um, I love you– don’t say what.”

“Well, I’m confused.”

“Are you not paying attention?”

“I am!” Barty defended himself. “I just don’t get what you’re saying, you– you like me back? What?”

With his free hand, Evan caressed Barty’s hand, still intertwined with his other hand.
“Of course I do.”

“Since when?”

Evan shrugged.
“I don’t know. I just noticed.”

“You just noticed!?” Barty was going to be sick, in fact, he was already feeling a little light-headed.

“I’ve always kind of liked you? I guess? I always wanted to be around you, but lately I just felt like this need, I just… I wanted to kiss you and, well, that’s not really a friends’ thing.”

Barty felt like a bucket full of icy water had been spilled above his head. Evan liked him back. Evan loved him. Evan wanted to kiss him. Had he died? Perhaps he died somewhere on his way back to the dorms and he was now in heaven.

Evan tugged at his hand.
“Say something?”

“I feel like my brain needs to think a lot of stuff but I can’t really think when you’re holding my hand.” He said. “I just want to kiss you.”

Evan was beaming.
“Then kiss me.”

Barty leaned in, just like he had done the night before, although that moment felt years away. Evan didn’t let go of his right hand, so he used his left to cup Evan’s head. He stroked his cheek and rested on his neck. Evan closed his eyes and Barty closed his too. He was eager, he had been waiting for a kiss for so long, that the moment his lips finally touched Evan’s it felt unreal.

He kissed him slowly, barely. Getting to know the boy in front of him in a whole new way. They broke apart and it was then when Barty opened his eyes and realized it was happening. He was kissing Evan Rosier. He had confessed to Evan Rosier. He hadn’t ruined anything. They were alright. They were better than ever.

He grinned. Evan chuckled, it was the prettiest sound in the world and Barty couldn’t help but steal a rapid kiss from his lips again. It stopped the beautiful sound but it was worth it when he saw in Evan’s face the look of desire he knew must have been on his own. Evan let go of his hand to rest his arms around Barty’s neck and pulled him in for another kiss. Barty gave in, he put his hand on Evan’s thigh to steady himself as Evan kissed him. When they stopped for air, Evan caressed his back, his shoulders, his face, his hair. His hands were everywhere as he kissed him. Savoured him. And it was real. Very real.

Barty hadn’t died. But he was in heaven.