Chapter Text
EPISODE 1: THE COLD SHOUDLER - PART 1
[PORT OF VANCOUVER]
The sun shone down as a familiar face stepped into the view of a film camera. He checked his hair, and smirked knowing it was in perfect condition. Clearing his throat, the camera was switched on.
"WELCOME, TOTAL DRAMA fans! It's been three years since you last got a chance to see my handsome face! But alas, at long last I am BACK!" he laughed, "Like always, I'm your host; CHRIS MCLEAN! Right now, you're joining me...here, at Canada's Vancouver Port, where are a selection of Total Drama's biggest failures have been directed to arrive for a brand new season!" he explained, "Season Three was pretty popular, and I was gettin' tired of Camp Wawanakwa anyway. SO, we'll be hitting the road to lands unknown this time around!"
A loud honking was heard a few feet away, as a rusty old bus clanked into view. "AHA! Here they come now!" laughed Chris. Spewing fumes and dropping bolts, the bus ground to a halt next to Chris. The doors swung open...well, fell off, as the first contestant stepped off into the light. "Ahh, you can't beat that fresh smell of the sea!" sighed Brick, taking a deep inhale.
"Brick, dude, good to see ya' again! I know you'll be a fun one to torment~" chuckled Chris. He pulled out a piece of paper and put on his reading glasses, as more contestants filed off the bus; "Let's see, let's see...ah! Joining Brick from our second 'generation', we also have Staci! Dawn! 'Silent B'! The hair queen, Anne-Maria! And the most surprising couple in television history, Sam and Dako- OOF!"
"Outta my way! Camera Guyyyy, over heeeere!" cooed Dakota, shoving Chris out of the way and posing for the camera. Brick scratched his head, "Hey Sam, I don't been mean to inquire too deeply, but wasn't Dakota a...y'know...giant, orange terrifying monster a couple years ago when we last met?". Silent B just nodded, giving a thumbs-up in agreement. Sam laughed, "Yeah, that's right! Definitely wasn't just a dream, th-though it did feel like that for a while! After the wrestling scene started to dry up, her dad used some of his big time cheddar to pay for treatment." he explained. Chris furrowed his brow as he stood on his feet again, "Yep! Dakota's back! Now get outta my spotlight!" he snapped, shoving her out of view.
Checking his paper again, the next set of contestants started to exit, "Alrighty, from our...first 'generation', welcome back Eva, Katie, and Sadie! PLUS returning 'fan favourites' in Noah! Tyler! And...can't believe I'm calling him a 'favourite'...Ezekiel." he sighed. "HaHa! Yeah baby, to the EXTREME!" laughed Tyler, as he attempted to frontflip off the bus. Unfortunately, his backpack was caught in the broken doorway, making him fall flat on his face. Ezekiel winced, "ooh, tha'at was ba'ad..."
Eva eyed Ezekiel up and down with suspicion, "You. Homeschool. I swear you didn't look...normal last time I saw you." Ezekiel rubbed the back of his neck, "A-Ah yeah, w-well, y'kno'ow...my family did themselves a lil' la'awsuit after that 'All Star' season. Said the sho'ow had to pay fer' my treatment, eh."
A commotion was heard inside the bus as the next two contestants barged out. "Ugh, I'M getting off first!" snapped a voice. "L-Let me just step down!" sighed the other. Tyler felt a heavy pain on his back, as Amy Sammy fell off the bus and on top of him. Chris shook his head, "Also coming back for another season, it's Ella! Leonard, for some reason! Beardo, Topher and RRRRRRODNEY!" he chuckled, as Rodney tripped and landed on the growing pile. "oops! Sorry 'bout that!" he blushed.
Amy slapped Rodney's face out of her way, "Hey! Chris! You forgot to introduce ME!" she whined. Chris massaged his nose, "AND Amy and Samey are back...happy now?". Amy nodded, standing to her feet and dusting herself off. "A-Aren't you going to carry this?" whispered Sammy, struggling to her feet with her own backpack, as well as Amy's. Amy rolled her eyes, "Manual labour is the pack-mule's job, CHOP-CHOP!"
"Isn't the bond between sisters such a special thing?" smiled Rodney. "Yeah, they are...special, that's for sure." snarked Topher, checking his hair in the small reflection of the side of the bus, "Aheh, Topher Wilson you are looking HANDSOME as ever today, mhmm~". "To round out our cast, we're bringing back just two faces from our most recent 'reboot generation'. Give it up for Nichelle, and Scar- uh, Lauren!" he smiled, as the two girls stepped off. Lauren flashed her teeth looking down at the people pile, "New friends? Do any of you know what shade your blood is?" she giggled. "Uh, not particularly...?" muttered Rodney.
"Hmm, need a hand?" asked Nichelle, extending both down to Tyler and Rodney. "Whew, thanks guy." sighed Tyler, relieved to have the strain on his back removed. Rodney's eyes widened as he looked up at Nichelle. "How'd Nichelle know I hate falling on my face? There's only ONE possible answer...love!" thought Rodney. Nichelle raised an eyebrow, while Tyler helped the farmer instead.
Chris clicked his fingers to get everyone's attention, "Aight! That's our lot! Twenty-Two young adults, nineteen regions, and one MILLION dollars are up for grabs! Hope you all packed well, because we're heading off on our new adventure right now!". "Another globe trotting competition? Must have really banged your heads together to come up with that one." said Noah, shrugged, "Total Drama World Tour was one of most successful season, figured we might as well do it again. For ratings, duh!"
"Ayo, we ain't using tha'at spooky plane again, eh?" asked Ezekiel, nervously tapping his fingers together. Chris shook his head, "This season, we have a NEW second-hand method of transportation!" he smirked, as a booming horn blasted and shook the port. "Heh-ha-ha! HEEEEEERE IT COMES NOW!" laughed Chris. With a sloshing of waves and still blasting it's horn, a rusty old yacht pulled into the dock. It didn't do so with ease, as it banged against some of the container ships and sank some smaller vessels. But with a bang and a crash, it slid into place as the anchor dropped...and snapped from it's chain into the water. The gangway was thrown out, full of holes and made of rotting wood. "You know, my great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Gerald actually invented the first ocean-going craft, yah, before that nobody ever left their country because they couldn't!" yappped Staci. "Can that truly be correct?" asked Dawn.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are now boarding!" chortled Chris, as the contestants eyed up the busted ship. The rusty letters on the prow read 'SS McLean', though some of them had started to fall off due to the rough docking. "I'M not gettin' in that death-trap! Ya' crazy!" scoffed Anne-Maria. Lauren's ears perked up, "Did somebody say death?" she giggled. "This junker can barely float, Chris!" snapped Eva. "C-Can I sit next to her?" asked Rodney, staring dreamily at Nichelle. "Did I leave the shhh- tove on?" muttered Leonard. Chris put up his hands, "Relax people, it's perfectly safe! Got a sea license for it and everything! Tooootally iron-clad."
"You got it registered to the Canadian Ocean Board?" asked Brick. Chris shook his head, "Nah, but some dudes from Korea DID get us registered for the Port of Busan!" he laughed. "Meh, I've seen worse. This'll be a blast!" boomed Tyler, flexing his arms. "Get over yourself." scoffed Eva, shunting him out of her way. Chris looked at the camera and smiled, "With contestants a-plenty, and passports at the ready, it's time we kick off our brand new season with a bang. This is...TOTAL! DRAMA! WOOOOORLD-MOOOORE!". "OOOH, does that mean singing?" asked Ella, excitedly clapping her hands. "Absolutely not." replied Chris.
[SS MCLEAN - DINING ROOM]
"THIS is the dining room! Where you'll enjoy painfully below standard meals during voyages." explained Chris, "Once again cooked up by our beloved Chef Hatchet!". "Where is Chef anyway? I haven't seen him once." asked Dawn. "He's up on the bridge" said Chris, "Recently got his captain's license, so he'll be driving this ship every waking second!". "I think you mean 'sh-ailing' the shhhh-ip" said Leonard, spitting all over Katie and Sadie. "Why even bother talking about this stuff?" asked Amy, "It's not like ANY of you will be here long since I'M the one who's going to win this whole thing!" she crowed. Noah glanced at Ezekiel, "Where have I heard that before?" he muttered, making Ezekiel laugh.
"I don't mean to be that guy, but...you do know you got kicked off third last time, right?" asked Topher, placing a hand on Amy's shoulder. Amy rolled her eyes, "I-It was a fluke! Had SAMEY not cheated me out of my rightful million and gotten me falsey eliminated, I would have won the whole thing!" she snapped, "But that is NOT happening this year! I'm smarter, I'm faster, I AM BETTER!" she boasted, "In FACT I'm also-!" "Chattier? Blabbier? Can't-shut-up-ier?" snarked Chris, "Now ZIP IT so I can finish the tour, and we get this ship sailing, M'KAY?" he shouted, as Amy frowned.
[SS MCLEAN - ECONOMY LOUNGE]
"This right here is what we call 'Economy Class'! Losing teams will wait here during voyages." explained Chris, gesturing at the benches and rusty port-holes. It was incredibly bare, though there was at least a pool table in the corner. "Those seats do not look soft" winced Dakota. "No comfort for losers!" chuckled Chris. Amy pouted, "We should just check out the winner area, because you'd never catch me DEAD sitting back here." "Yo Chris, is there a bathroom on this boat?" asked Topher, "I gotta take a leak, y'know?"
"Right over there, dude." said Chris, pointing to a door, "Take alllllll the time you need!" he smiled, "As for the rest of you, let's go take a gander at 'victory lane'!"
{CONFESSIONAL START}
TOPHER: "Ahhh, that's goo-...wait a second, is that a camera? Damn! HOW'S MY HAIR LOOKING?!"
STACI: "I was soooo excited to get my letter asking me to come back! My great-great grandma Wilma told me to just be myself, and that's easy because I'm only one person! Yah, my grandpa Herbert told me to focus on the game and not telling everyone about how amazing my family are, s-so I'll do my best!"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
[SS MCLEAN - WINNER'S LOUNGE]
The contestants entered a fancy golden lounge, that looked like something out of a five-star hotel. With plush carpets, large recliners, a bar, and even a balcony with a beautiful view of the industrial port. "Heh, now THIS is more my speed!" laughed Amy, stretching out on one of the recliners. Anne-Maria sighed as she sat on a massage chair, "Aww yeah, baby! Bada-bling~". "Shhhh-certainly marvelou-shhh~" lisped Leonard.
Katie gasped, "Woahhhh! Look how COOL this place is! Can you believe it?". "OHMYGODWOAHHHHH!" exclaimed Sadie, "I'm TOTALLY seeing what your seeing right now, Katie!". "You think Chris will let us hang out here?" pondered Katie, tapping her chin. "Maybe if we ask nicely?" suggested Sadie. Sammy stood on the balcony looking out at the busy harbour. "Wow...p-pretty cool, right?" she asked, looking at Beardo. He paused, before making a "ding-ding!" with a smile. Sammy giggled, "Y-You still don't talk much, huh?". Beardo nodded, whistling as he looked at the large ships. "Certainly an interesting aura..." murmured Dawn, suddenly appearing behind the two, "Almost similar to B's, mayhaps you two would get along?"
"Shoot, talk about FANCY! I could get used to livin' like this!" boomed Rodney, as he knocked some glass bottles together trying to find some whiskey. Ezekiel laughed, "You got tha'at right! Hiiigh end stuff, eh?". "HEY! BAD FARMER, BAD!" yelled Chris, grabbing Rodney's ear and pulling him away. "If you wanna live the luxurious life, you have to WIN first!" he snapped. "Yowch! G-Got it, sorry sir!" whimpered Rodney. "Hey, uh, does anyone got the wifi code for this place?" asked Sam, "My Switch isn't getting a connection." "Neither is my phone!" added Dakota, "I gotta keep my Instagram updated while competing, after all!"
{CONFESSIONAL START}
NICHELLE: "During my last seasons, I...ah...w-wasn't exactly much of a contender. But this year will be different! I got some top of the line training from my stunt-double Jerry, and ain't NO phony contract gonna make me quit this time! Nichelle Ladonna is GOIN' LONG!"
TYLER: "Total Drama World Tour was a serious eye-opener, course I had to come back! I thought they'd have brought me back for that 'All Star' season, but no such luck. Me and Lindsay have been wanting to get a new place, so that million bucks could be a real life saver!"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
As everyone was looking around the first class lounge, the ship's horn sounded and the yacht began to vibrate. "W-Woah, what's going on?!" asked Rodney. "I believe we're now in motion?" replied Dawn. Outside, the gangway had been pulled in, though the door was still open, and dock-men ran around untying the ropes holding the SS McLean to the quay. The propellers began to chop to the water, while tugs were being brought into place to guide the ship away.
"Okay, that's enough fun in the deluxe class!" barked Chris, "I'm sure you all remember a lil' event called...the Elimination Ceremony?"
[SS MCLEAN - ELIMINATION ROOM]
The contestants followed Chris in a boxy room that had been placed on the yacht's stern. A set of bleachers was placed on the side, with a small stage in the middle, and a doorway on the far side. "This is our elimination room, where teams will decide who was responsible for their failures with each passing challenge!" "As if I'M ever gonna be in here~" purred Amy. "If you do not receive a bag of delectably inedible peanu-" "YOU might as well get used to seeing this place, because you'll be getting kicked off soon enough, Samey!" laughed Amy. Chris tapped his foot, growing impatient, "You will be forced to take the Dive of Shame!". "More like the 'Flop of Shame', right Samey?" snarked Amy. "KINDA LIKE THIS!" laughed Chris, grabbing Amy's shirt and tossing her out of the open door. Everyone gasped,and Sammy sighed, while Chris just laughed.
"Is she gonna be okay?" asked Sam. Chris shrugged, "She'll still be alive, if that's what you mean."
"OW!" shrieked Amy, rubbing her head as she stood up from the concrete, "Wha-...H-HEY! WAIT A SECOND! SLOW DOWN AND LET ME BACK ON, YOU MORON!" she yelled, chasing after the ship as it began to float down the quay. Chris stuck his head out the door and waved, "ALL ELIMINATIONS ARE FINAL, BRO!"
{CONFESSIONAL START}
SAMMY: "Did...d-did that just happen? I-IS AMY REALLY GONE, JUST LIKE THAT?! I was fully prepared to deal with her awfulness all season!"
EZEKIEL: "Heh, first rule of this show? Nev'er interupt Chris when he's talkin' abo'ot stuff. That guy has no mercy, eh."
BEARDO: *Slip noise, followed by Pac-Man death sound*
{CONFESSIONAL END}
"Not to say that wasn't amusing, but why'd you do that?" asked Noah. Chris smirked, "Main reason? She was annoying. Secondary reason? I realised the teams would've been unbalanced. A worthy sacrifice if you ask me!"
"Oh, and by the way!" exclaimed Chris, "Hidden somewhere on the ship is a super-duper-mega-special 'McLean Invincibility Statue'! Find that bad boy, and you'll be able to save yourself from being given the shove like Amy." he chortled, walking away.
[SS MCLEAN - BRIDGE]
Inside the main bridge at the front of ship, Chef stood at the helm in a fancy black captain's uniform. A walkie-talkie on his belt began to buzz, annoying him. "Boy, whatchu' want?" he snapped. "*kzzrt* Take us to sea, dude! *kzzrt*" Chris replied, his voice crackled and scratchy. Chef threw the walkie-talkie behind him as he surveyed the array of buttons and levers on the main control console. "Hmm...I know it was one of these here thangs', uhhhhhh...which one was the bow thruster again?"
[SS MCLEAN - DINING ROOM]
The twenty-one contestants sat in the dining area, unsure what they were supposed to be doing. "So...is that it? We just gotta wait around?" asked Tyler. Sammy shrugged, "Chris did say we'd be going to different countries. I guess it takes time to sail around?"
"Heh-Heh~ I knew it was smart to come prepared!" laughed Sam, pulling out a PSP from his pocket. Dakota pulled out her phone and threw an arm around Sam's shoulder, "Hold up Sam, SMIIIIILE!". *click-flash* "Ahh, this'll look PERFECT for my followers!" Dakota giggled, "#couplegoals!"
Topher kicked back in his seat, kicking his feet up on the table, "You guys might as well just clock out and head home now, like Amy did! The Topher Experience is taking home that sweet, sweet million!". Nichelle rolled her eyes, "In your dreams, pretty boy!". "Hmm...have we met before? You seem kinda familiar" asked Topher, rubbing his chin. Nichelle flipped her hair, "Nichelle Ladonna, beloved former Hollywood star, I was a bit of a big deal a couple years ago" she boasted. Topher smirked, "Former? WAS? Sounds to me like you're a tad washed up, huh?"
"Washed UP?!" exclaimed Nichelle, "Ex-CUUUUSE ME, but who even ARE you?!" "Me?" asked Topher, "Isn't it obvious?". He stood up on the table, swishing his pompadour, "I'M...the Main Man~"
"Yo-Yo Chris! Wha'at's happening, are we nearly there?" asked Ezekiel, as he noticed Chris walking into the dining room. "Where are we even going? OOH, I HOPE IT'S A BEACH!" crowed Katie, "I finished sewing some new swimsuits for me and Sadie that are sooooo FETCH!"
"We're currently on route to our first destination! Probably won't be there for another few hours, take some time to mingle and do whatever." explained Chris, "If you'll excuse, I gotta make the most of first class being empty~" he chortled, walking away.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
NICHELLE: *laughs* "That white boy is seriously goofy, who does he think he is tryna talk smack on my career? I know I ain't NEVER seen him in a blockbuster release before!" *swishes hair* "PUHHHHH-LEASE!"
SAM: "Topher? Yeah, he's pretty funny...I guess." *looks at the camera awkwardly, before going back to his game*
{CONFESSIONAL END}
[PORT OF ANCHORAGE - ALASKA]
After many, many hours of sailing at unbearably slow speeds, the SS McLean finally chugged into port. With the gangway dropped, everyone walked off the ship and onto a bus that was waiting at the port. Unbeknownst to everyone, an extra stowaway had clambered onto the roof of the bus. Standing at the front of the bus, Chris cleared his throat.
Eva leaned against the window, "Are we there yet?" she grumbled. "Welcome to AAALASKA! Our first major stop of our second tour of the world, we'll take a quick ride into the wilderness to the location of your FIRST challenge of the season!" said Chris, "Sit tight, and we'll be there in...oh, let's see...four hours?" he chuckled, as the contestants groaned.
[Four Hours Later...]
At last, after a full day of the travel, the contestants FINALLY arrived at the starting line for the first challenge. They were stood at the opening to a large forest area with what appeared to be two paths. It had started snowing, with a wicked chill whipping through the air. "o-oh-oh my~" shivered Ella, "I-It seems I p-picked a bad day f-for my dress~" "Y-You got...T-THAT right!" agreed Sammy. Ezekiel pulled his hoodie strings together, and squished his toque over his eyes, "Nice and co'osy, eh?". Eva looked up at Rodney, who seemingly wasn't phased about the weather at all. "H-Hey, big guy! A-Aren't ya'...even the l-least bit cold?" she muttered. Rodney shook his head, "Not really! It's actually kinda refreshing, no?"
Sipping some steaming coffee and zipping up his winter jacket, Chris approached the starting line. "Aight, listen up people! Host Man is talking!" he gloated, "Your first challenge is a pretty simple one! Before you are two paths; one goes through some slippy, rocky, maze-y caves. The other is a straight shot across an icy river, that we've filled with our state of the art 'arctic piranha'!" he giggled, "Pick a path, and head for the rest area on the other side. You'll receive your next instructions once ALL of you have arrived." he explained, "Any questions?"
Everyone raised a hand. "That ISN'T related to you being cold?". Everyone lowered their hands. "Heh-ha-ha~ Good! Okay, on my command! READY!...SE-!" "YOU! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"
The contestants glanced back in confusion at the sudden yell, surprised to see Amy running over to the start line. It wasn't clear if she was shaking due to anger, the cold, or both, as she approached Chris. "I-I told you I WASN'T going to lose this time, you BASTARD!" shouted Amy, pointing a finger into Chris' face. "Man, I hate it when these guys get clingy." Chris grumbled to himself. Sadie scratched her hair, "D-Didn't Chris throw you off the boat this morning?". Katie gasped, "I thought that too! Maybe we dreamed it together?"
Amy scoffed, "You left one of the doors open when trying to ABANDON me! Soooo I jumped on, and hid with the cargo!" she boasted. "Where have we heard that before?" Noah whispered to Ezekiel. "Ugh, do'on't remind me..." Ezekiel sighed. Chris face palmed, "Ughhhh, FINE! It's your funeral though, our interns aren't gonna waste time watching non-contestants" he grumbled, "Now where was I? Hmmmm...OH RIGHT!" he exclaimed, "Seeeeeeeet...GO!" he yelled, blowing an airhorn in Amy's face as everyone dashed off. Some went straight for the cave entrance, while some others picked the river.
Sipping his coffee, Chris glanced at the camera. "Our rag-tag bunch of bozos are off, as their journey for one million dollars begins! Who's gonna survive? And who's going BUH-BYE? Find out...AFTER THE BREAK!"
[CAVE ROUTE]
"Uh oh...we may have a problem on our hands."murmured Dawn, poking her head around B's side. The group who had picked the cave route were standing inside the entrance, which split up into multiple different paths. None had any markings, just being dark tunnels into nothing. "One of these has GOTTA be the right way, right?" asked Tyler. "My Dad always to'old me tha'at right is always right, eh." nodded Ezekiel.
"ooh, very smart indeed!" smiled Ella. "Works for me, I guess?" shrugged Topher. "*ding-ding*" added Beardo, as he, Topher, and Ella followed Ezekiel down the furthest path on the right. Tyler looked between the other options, "I'm thinkin'...left!" he declared, "What do we think, left? Yep, left is DEFINITELY best!" Noah raised an eyebrow, "What makes you so sure? You got a GPS under that headband?" "Nope! Just a gut feeling!" boasted Tyler. "A gut feeling ishh all I need to hear!" agreed Leonard, stroking his fake beard.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
NOAH: "The odds of getting lost were practically ninety-nine to one, and I was willing to bet money on that outcome. But I figured Tyler would make a good meat-shield, so...yeah, I followed him."
BRICK: "My mind is practically a compass in it's own right! Thanks to my super-duper military training, I've NEVER lost my way!"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
"Ugh, no bars? LAAAME!" whined Dakota, switching off her phone. "There's no time for tweeting, we got a challenge to win!" Brick declared, "Quickly Dakota! Sam, Beverly, with me!" he boomed, charging down the third tunnel. Sam scratched his chin, "I...guess we're going this way, huh?". B shrugged, as he and the others walked after Brick. "Don't worry, friends! I've since gotten over my terrible fears of the dark, NOTHING will stop us from obtaining victory!" laughed Brick.
Sammy looked at the two tunnels in the middle, "I wonder which one is faste- ah!" "GET A MOVE ON, MUMBLES!" spat Amy, grabbing Sammy's shirt and dragging her through the second tunnel. "OOH! W-We'll go too!" squealed Katie. "Wait for usssss!" added Sadie, as the pair ran after the sisters. Sammy sighed, "Th-Thanks girls, getting lost in a bunch of caves with Amy alone is like, my worst nightmare." she whispered. "Girlies gotta stick together!" Katie whispered back, as the group walked through the darkness. "GOD, HURRY UP, SAMEY!" shouted Amy.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
SADIE: "That Amy is SERIOUSLY rude. If Katie ever talked to me the way those sisters bicker, we would NOT have stayed BFFFL's for long."
{CONFESSIONAL END}
[RIVER ROUTE]
"TIMMMMMBERRRRRRR!" Rodney yelled, as a tree crashed to the ground. He, along with some of the others, had chosen to test their luck in crossing the river instead of taking the risk of getting lost in the dark caves. The large river that stood in their path was practically an ocean in of itself, a little short of two-thousand feet wide. Chunks of ice flowed through the rushing rapids, with swirls being created by the 'arctic piranhas' chopping the water. Thankfully Chris had left some tools to aid in building rafts, with some axes and ropes. However the contestants didn't have anything to help shelter from the blowing snow, which was starting to gradually grow worse.
"WOO, YEAH! Nice going, farm boy, keep it up!" cheered Nichelle, rubbing her hands together as Rodney cut the logs into pieces. "You know my great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa Earl invented axes? Yah, before then people had to just pull trees down and break them with their bare hands! It's true!" rambled Staci, who wasn't paying attention at all. "Girl, I did NOT ask!" groaned Nichelle, "How'd I even get stuck with you?" "I get a bit claustrophobic in tight spaces, mhmm yah, not my ideal place at all!" said Staci.
"Pick up the pace, iron woman! We can't let those palookas get ahead of us!" snapped Anne-Maria, as she watched Eva carve tree trunks with her palms. "This would go a lot faster if you HELPED!" Eva yelled. She picked up a rock from the snow and hucked it at Anne-Maria, which ricocheted off her hair with a *clang*
{CONFESSIONAL START}
ANNE-MARIA: "Some people say my 'poof' is 'unclassy' and 'unnatural', pah! They wouldn't be yapping that kinda baloney if they had bullet proof hair that looked even...like...TEN PERCENT as good as mine~"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
"You think this is sharp enough to cleave a limb? Or just slice through flesh to sever some tendons?" mused Lauren, running her pinky along the edge of an axe. Eva paused for a moment, "Hmm...now that's a good question, freakazoid." "Wanna find out the answer together?" asked Lauren, standing ominously behind Anne-Maria. Anne-Maria cracked her knuckles, "Put a FINGA' on me, and you'll lose it. Capisce?" "Challenge accepted~" Lauren giggled.
"ALRIGHT! IT FLOATS!" cheered Rodney, pushing his raft onto the water. "H-Hey Nichelle! Uh, r-ride me! Uhm...float, raft, t-together?...YEAH!" he stammered. Nichelle and Staci glanced at each other in a confused state.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
RODNEY: "I'm still not the best at 'girl whispering', b-but my cousin Scott has been givin' me some awesome pointers! Ayyyyyup, only a matter of time before I can finally get myself a REAL LIFE girlfriend!"
NICHELLE: "Farm Boy? Only makes sense he'd be infatuated, right? I may not be have Hollywood status, but that don't mean I lack the Hollywood looks~ Maybe if I play my cards correctly, I could turn that brick-house into an ally!"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
[CAVE ROUTE - FIRST TUNNEL]
"It wa-shhh THEN, that I ca-shhht a dynamite shhh-pell to utterly deshhh-troy the Hell Demon back to the realm of whence he came!" rambled Leonard, waving his hands around to add dramatic effect to his story. Noah shook his head, "I'll never understand why larpers waste their time and money dancing around in fields when you could get the EXACT same experience by playing World of Warcraft at your desk." "W-Well, that shhh-ubshhh-cription co-shhht more than my paper route can afford." Leonard explained, waving his hand, "Beshhh-ideshh, engaging in legitmate battle with my comrade-shhh make-shhh memorie-shhh better than ANY mere 'video game', PAH!" he scoffed.
"Man, your voice is annoying! Uh...no offence, guy." groaned Tyler, plugging his ears. Dawn nodded in agreement, growing fed up of the larper's incessant yapping. "I can only hope we won't be stuck with him once the teams are formed." she whispered. "You got that right..." replied Noah.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
LEONARD: "I have been honing my magic shhh-pell-shhh ever shhh-ince I lost that race shhh-ow a few year-shhh ago...shhh-ame about my li-shhhp though, maybe I shhh-ould have brought my retainer?"
NOAH: "I thought I was gonna lose it in that cave. Believe me, I was THIS close to bashing my head against a rock to block out the noise via the rushing blood clogging my ear drums."
{CONFESSIONAL END}
The group continued through the darkness, when suddenly there came a yelp and crash! "Wah?! W-What was that?!" shouted Tyler, whipping around, "That sounded like Dawn!" "Dawn?" asked Noah, "I mean, she's right...here...oh no." he muttered, looking around and realising that the aura whisperer had vanished. Leonard gasped, "Shhhhhe mu-shhhht have ca-shhht an invi-shhhh-ibility shhh-pell!"Tyler looked back, noticing a medium sized hole in the ground. "Uh oh...I think I know where she went..."
[CAVE ROUTE - THIRD TUNNEL]
A chilly wind blew through the passage, as the four person team struggled onwards. "C-Careful, the floor is s-super slippery!" Brick chattered, his arms folded tightly. "I-I guess it's t-times like this...t-that it's good you've...g-got a lot of meat t-to keep warm, huh?" chuckled Dakota, who was clutched onto Sam. Sam shrugged, but was happy at the physical contact.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
SAM: "Sometimes it pays to be on the wider side! If I had been lacking in the, uhm, 'blubber department', then I wouldn't have been able to keep my lady warm. Aheheh~ Alllll in a Gamer's day of work!"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
Rounding a corner, Brick bonked his head. Feeling the wall, he realised that it was another dead end. "Gah! I-I haven't even g-got a CLUE which way we're g-going!" stammered Brick, trying to peer through the pitch black tunnel. "Don't suppose you got any gizmos that could help?" asked Sam, turning to B. B stopped and began digging through his pockets, attempting to find something that could make the walk easier. Dakota tilted her head, "Something to see...to...see...ah!" she gasped, reaching into her back pocket. "My p-phone has a f-flashlight!" she exclaimed. Switching her phone and enabling the flashlight tool, the cave was lit up with a white light, revealing the path forward and all the small holes in the ground. The men cheered, knowing now it would be a piece of cake to reach the end. "E-EXCELLENT JOB, D-DAKOTA!" laughed Brick, "W-We'll be the first back f-for certain!"
{CONFESSIONAL START}
DAKOTA & SAM: (S) "I gotta say, that was totally AWESOME how you saved our butts like that!" (D) "A-Aw y'know, I'm not just a pretty face after all~"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
[CAVE ROUTE - FOURTH TUNNEL]
"WAAAHHHHHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFFFFF!" wailed Topher, running in circles as a group of bats pulled at his hair. "H-HOLD STILL, AND I'LL GET 'EM, eh." shouted Ezekiel, throwing rocks at Topher's head. Ella gasped, "D-Don't hurt themmmmm! Bats are sweet creatures of nature!" she cried, stomping her tiny feet. Beardo didn't provide much help, sitting in a corner making siren noises.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
TOPHER: "Perfect, not even an HOUR into the first challenge and my hair is already ruined. GAHH!"
BEARDO: "*womp-womp-womp-wommmmmmmp~*"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
[CAVE ROUTE - SECOND TUNNEL]
"Let's GOOOO, pick it up people! We're falling behind!" barked Amy. Katie and Sadie stuck their tongues out. "She's totes bossy!" whispered Katie. "Even worse than Heather and Courtney used to be!" agreed Sadie. "I haven't a clue how you live with her at all!" Katie whispered to Sammy. Sammy chuckled, "A-Ah, you get used to it after the first twelve years."
Stumbling over a rock, Amy leaned against the wall, noticing something bulging out. "Huh? What's this?" she pondered aloud. She pushed it with her hand, and the object sank into the rock face. A loud rumbling was heard as the cave began to shake. "W-What?! T-THE WALLS! THEY'RE CLOSING IN!" Katie wailed. "Q-QUICK, HELP ME PROP UP THE FATSO OR WE'RE DONE FOR!" shrieked Amy, pushing Sadie into the rocks. The walls weren't closing in, but the rumbling was gradually growing louder and louder.
"B-By any chance, is that noise coming from one of you?" Sammy asked, nervously wringing her fingers. "Nuh-uh, I-I ate earlier!" gasped Sadie, poking at her stomach. Katie looked around, "Then...what's that sound? It feels like it's getting louder?". Glancing back, Sammy suddenly froze as she finally realised what the noise was. A gigantic stone BOULDER was speeding through the cave, demolishing everything in it's path. "WAH! R-RUUUUUUUUN!" the girls wailed, as they hot-footed it away with the boulder hot on their tails.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
AMY: *scoff* "R-Right, how was *I* supposed to know it was a booby trap? ALL THOSE ROCKS LOOKED THE DAMN SAME!"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
"G-GO GO GO!" yelled Amy, shoving the other girls, "OUTTA MY WAY!". Running as fast as her feet would carry, she soon stumbled in a small crack in the ground. Katie, Sadie, and Sammy ran off, leaving Amy alone in the dark. "H-HEY! W-WAIT FOR MEEEE!" she squealed, as the boulder rolled over her.
[RIVER ROUTE]
"Keep goin'! We're doin' great!" cheered Rodney, as he paddled his raft across the raging rapids with Nichelle and Staci. Nichelle wiped her forehead, "How is it that I'm working up a sweat in a SNOW storm?" "MMMMMMaybe that's a sign you should hit the gym? Yah~" replied Staci. "Psh, YOU'RE one to talk, look how fat you are!" scoffed Nichelle, "One more donut and those leggings ain't fitting you no more." "Hmph...I-I'm not fat, I'm jolly..." Staci mumbled, as she continued rowing.
Thanks to Rodney's strong strokes, they reached the other side in no time, thankfully avoiding dinner with the piranhas. Climbing onto the river bank, the trio headed for the marked finish line placed a few feet away from the exit of the cave. "Whew~ Great work, Farm Boy, you seriously saved my skin back there!" said Nichelle, placing her hand on Rodney's arm. His eyes glazed over as he started envisioning her with an aura of hearts.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
RODNEY: "Ahhhhh...the voice of an ANGEL~"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
[FINISH LINE]
The finish area sat just outside the caves, with a looming forest and mountain range facing towards the exit of the cave and the river bank. Sitting on a snow mobile, Chris was sipping coffee as the raft trio arrived. "Hey-Hey-Hey! Congrats dudes, you're all in FIRST place!" he smiled, "Take a lil' step right this way, you guys'll be on Team A." explained Chris. "WOO! That's what I'M talking about! Nichelle Ladonna for the WIN!" cheered Nichelle. Rodney gasped, "Me? Team? N-Nichelle?! AWESOME!" Nichelle laughed, "Who else we got? Or are we boutta be a power trio?"
"FREEEEEEDOM!! FINALLY!" yelled Tyler, as he emerged from one of the tunnels. "Thank GOD I don't have to listen to that damn lisping larper anymore~" sighed Noah, mopping his brow in relief. Chris smirked, "Wouldn't be too sure about that one, pal." he chuckled, "Tyler, Noah, Leonard! Take a step over yonder, you're on Team 1 too!". Tyler punched the air, "Team A? WOOHOO, NUMBER ONE BABY!" "MARVELOU-SHHHH!" Leonard cheered, spitting all over Noah.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
NOAH: "I've won...but at what cost?"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
Footsteps could be heard inside the cave, as the next group ran out into the snow. "T-There's the finish line! W-We won!" Dakota shivered. "E-Excellent w-work, Soldier!" smiled Brick, "Y-You certainly s-saved our hides!"
The four contestants crossed the finish line, as Chris sipped his coffee. "Impressive! I never woulda thought you'd make it outta there!" he laughed, "Anywho~ Dakota, mosey over to Team A. The dude trio will be Team B." Sam and Dakota gasped. "Aw what? C'mon man, you can't split us up!" protested Sam, "This season was gonna be some major relationship time for us!" "Y-Yeah! Just p-put Brick on the other team!" argued Dakota, as Sam wrapped his arms around her to create some insulation. Chris just laughed, "Heh-ha-ha~ Not happening, guys. Now shift it, you're clogging up the ending line!" he said, as some interns threw the pair away.
"I-I'll WIN FOR YOUUUUUU!" shouted Sam, slowly walking five feet to the right. "I-I THINK I'M STARTING TO F-FORGET WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!" Dakota wailed. Nichelle flicked her hair, "Girl, you cannot let a guy get you down in the dumps like that. This is your time to be strong! Independant! To show your man how a real woman gets results!" "Y-You really think so?" Dakota sniffed. Nichelle put a hand on her shoulder, "I know so~"
{CONFESSIONAL START}
DAKOTA: "It was nice of Nichelle to try and cheer me up like that. But not being able to compete with Sam sucks BIG TIME!" *pouts* "Chris is still the meanest host EVER."
NICHELLE: "I could tell an emotional breakdown was on the horizon. Ain't no WAY are my chances of winning this thing gonna drop because she can't get a grip."
{CONFESSIONAL END}
"GAHHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT!" yelled Topher, barelling out of the tunnel. The bats had been removed, but now he was stuck with a gigantic spider tangling his pompadour. "HOLD STILL, YA' KNOB!" shouted Ezekiel, as he tackled Topher to the ground. Knocking the spider out, he picked up a rock and repeatedly crushed it into paste. "W-WAHHH?! Such violence..." squeaked Ella, fainting on her feet. It didn't last long however, as the shock of the cold snow instantly snapped her awake. Beardo just watched in deep interest at the chaos unfolding before his eyes.
[RIVER ROUTE]
"STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!" barked Eva, as she struggled to row her raft through the frigid water. Anne-Maria groaned, "My arms are gettin' exhausted ova' here, can't we take a break?" "Break? As in 'break off'?" inquired Lauren. Eva face palmed, "JUST ROW THE DAMN BOAT, WE'RE ALREADY BEHIND!"
{CONFESSIONAL START}
EVA: "I. was going. TO LOSE IT! In the name of all that's Holy and Sacred, how did EITHER of those whackjobs make it further on their seasons than me?!"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
Lauren stared at the icy waters with an intense curiosity. "Hmmmmm...I wonder how hungry piranhas get when cold?" she mumbled to herself. Sticking her bare hand into the frosty river, there was frantic splashing as she suddenly pulled out a chomping piranha and held it up to Eva's thigh. "That's where the best meat is, little killer~" she cooed, letting the fish sink it's teeth into Eva's flesh.
"GAAHHHH! YOWCH!" yelped Eva, whirling around and smacking Lauren in the face with a paddle. The 'scary girl' toppled headfirst into the rushing rapids, as streams of bubbles from the water quickly approached. Anne-Maria laughed, "THANK YOU! That chick was drivin' me NUTS!". Her laughter faded as she realised the severity of Eva's wound. "H-Hey Iron Woman, a-are you gonna be alright? That looks pretty nasty?". Eva clenched her teeth as she grabbed some leftover rope used to build the raft. Tying it around her bite, she pulled it tightly to help stop the bleeding. "I'll live, if that's what you mean." she grumbled.
Finally landing on the opposite side of the river, Anne-Maria helped Eva to cross the finish line. "Woah! What the hell happened to you?" asked Chris, in genuine shock. Eva shrugged, "I fell over." Chris shivered, but pointed at the spot for Team B.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
ANNE-MARIA: "Ay' credit where it's due, I wouldn't be able to walk off a munchin' from a fish like that! My 'poof' might be dense, but my perfectly tanned skin certainly ain't."
{CONFESSIONAL END}
[FINISH LINE]
A cacophony of shrieks and yells could be heard inside the cave as the final group rushed out...minus one. "T-That was insane!" panted Sammy, hunched over. "I KNOW, I KNOW!" exclaimed Katie Sadie. "Nice work ladies, what took ya' so long?" chuckled Chris. Katie paused trying to catch her breath, "Running...dark...B-BOULDER! GIANT!" she wailed. "Heh-ha-ha~ Must've hit one of the booby traps! CLASSIC!" chortled Chris, "Alrighty, since you're here...Sadie and Sammy, Team B. Katie, Team C. Pronto!"
"WHAAAAAAAT?!" "I-I can't be on a team without KATIE!" "I-I CAN'T BE ON A TEAM WITHOUT SADIE!". Chris shook his head, "We JUST went through this with Sam and Dakota. Shift your butts already! Or else I'll get bored, and that's baaaaaad news for all of you!"
{CONFESSIONAL START}
KATIE & SADIE: (K) "I can't believe Chris would seperate us like that!" (S) "We should TOTALLY make a petition to force him to swap us!" (K) *gasp* "Sadie...you're a GENIUS!"
SAMMY: "So...we may or may not have lost Amy...a-aheh, big deal."
{CONFESSIONAL END}
Peeling himself out of the snow, Topher and his cohorts finally crossed the finish line after messing around next to it for the past twenty minutes. "Heh, about time! You four are on Team C, make a move already!" ordered Chris. "Sweet! We get to hang out more?" grinned Ezekiel. "*dun-dun~*" sang Beardo. "EXACTLY, GUY!" exclaimed Ezekiel. Chris pulled out his paper to check the current totals, "Hmm, seems like we're missing a few heads?"
A splash was heard from the river bank, as a swirl of icy water and arctic piranhas sprayed across the snow. Lauren's hair blew in the frosty wind, her outfit soaked from head to steel-capped shoe. "S-SHE'S ALIVE?!" yelled Eva and Anne-Maria. Chris put his hands up, "Scary Gi- I-I MEAN...LAUREN! G-Good to see ya', you're on Team C." he stammered. Lauren didn't speak, but did laugh in an extremely creepy manner.
{CONFESSIONAL START}
TOPHER: "Looks like someone never left high-school theatre, huh?"
{CONFESSIONAL END}
Shuffling was heard as one final contestant emerged from the cave tunnel. Dawn was carrying what looked to be a large tube of moss and dirt. "DAWN?! Where'd you go, dude?!" Tyler called out, "We thought you DIED or something!"
Dawn raised an eyebrow, "Died? Oh no, I merely found a shortcut." "Found a shortcut, yet came dead last...funny how things work out." snarked Noah. Chris looked at Dawn's...moss ball thing. "Dude...is that a corpse?" he chuckled. Dawn shook her head, "I'm not quite sure, but I could sense an aura from withi-" she explained, suddenly being cut off as the moss ball wriggled and jumped from her arms. An arm stuck out, ripping off the top half to reveal Amy underneath.
"EWWWW! Thanks for alllll the help, JERK-ASSES!" shrieked Amy. Chris laughed, "Yo Dawn! Go ahead and join Team C real quick!" "Uhm, EXCUSE ME?!" barked Amy, shunting Dawn out of the way, "Come ON Chris! I just spent the last HOUR walking through dingy caves, getting leaked on, and crushed by a big rock! After ALL that, you just GOTTA LET ME BACK IN THE GAAAAAAME!" she wailed, shaking Chris by the shoulders. Chris was quickly growing frustrated, "God, FINE! But ONLY because I'm such a generous guy, and can one-hundo percent see you bringing me some entertainment." he sighed, "Go ahead and join Team A." Amy gasped in excitement, "OOOOOH! YEEEEEESSSSS!" she crowed, as she picked herself out of the snow.
"Okay! Teams, quickly put together some strategy and come up with a team name." explained Chris, "You got until I finish my coffee~"
"TEAM TRIUMPH!" yelled the members of Team 'A'.
"TEAM HONOUR!" yelled the members of Team 'B'.
"Uhhh, 'The Rude Dudes'?" suggested Ezekiel. "The Magical Enchanters!" offered Ella. "Team Blood Curdlers~" giggled Lauren. Topher smirked, "Heh, I got it!" he laughed, "TEEEEEEAM...STUDLY TOPH!" ... "What?" the rest of the team asked simultaneously.
"Wow! Sounds to me like someone just won an award for the worst team name. EVER." sighed Chris, "Ah well, the show must go on! Now listen up, time to dish out some rewards!" he laughed, "Team Studly Toph, YOU guys win...a snow mobile!" "ooh, it's shiny!" said Katie, clapping her hands. "Team Honour, you'll get a...a flamethrower!" boomed Chris, tossing Sam the backpack and pipe. Sam curiously pulled the trigger, shooting a stream of golden fire into the air. "HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH~ COOOOOOOL!"
"aaaaaaand last but certainly least, Team Triumph! For you guys, I shall bestow upon you...THIS THING!" chuckled Chris, tossing a small box. "What the-?" stammered Nichelle, "So the guys that we BEAT get a vehicle and a weapon, yet we just get a...brick? SERIOUSLY?!" she exclaimed. Chris put his hands up, "All will be explained!...if I remember."
He then turned to the camera, "The wild Alaskan winds are picking up! Twenty-Two solo players have split into three teams, the REAL competition is in play. What is the secret behind Team Triumph's prize? Will Lauren intentionally kill someone? And WHO'S getting cut first? You'll just have to stick around to find out...next time! On TOTAL! DRAMA! WOOOOORLD MOOOOORE~"